Reddit reviews 10% Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in My Head, Reduced Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works--A True Story

A few books on personal relations don't hurt either. My younger self needed to stand up for herself more, and in better ways.

Edit: Several people are asking for recommendations. These are some I have found extremely helpful:

I have a few I really recommend:

Thanks for the Feedback is one of the best I have read that incorporates info I have heard from other books all in one place with practical examples. If I could give a copy of this book to every person on earth I would. (The same people wrote a book called Difficult Conversations, but I have yet to read that.)

Edit to add Consious Business. This is the one I meant to add as the second recommendation; it is mostly about working with others in business but really applies to working with anyone in all relationships.

Emotional Intelligence is another I recommend, giving guidance on how to understand emotions. (Read this, then go re-watch Inside Out.)

10% Happier is an exploration into meditation as a non-spiritual thing. See Dan's video.

59 Seconds is about little things we can do to make our lives better (all science study based).

And Stumbling on Happiness is about understanding our own motivations better (also research study based).

Some of these books are clearly about "self help" but understanding ourselves is a key to understanding our interactions with others. And I try to only recommend books that are based in science and research.

I also like Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg, Incognito by David Eagleman, The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg, How Children Succeed by Paul Tough, The Hidden Brain by Shankar Vedantam, Nudge by Richard Thaler, and Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahnerman. Oh, and anything by Malcom Gladwell; I may not always agree with him, but he is thought provoking and well researched. (I have an Audible account and have found that a good way to get through books while doing other things like exercise, long car trips, or cleaning the house.)

More Adds; Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely, The Paradox of Choice by Barry Schwartz, Nurture Shock by Po Bronson, My Age of Anxiety by Scott Stossel, Far From The Tree by Andrew Solomon, The Charisma Myth by Olivia Cabane, How We Learn by Benedict Carey, and I generally like anything by the Freakanomics guys.

Edit: And thank you kind stranger for the gold!

If anyone would like to make recommendations to me based on the above list, please do so! I always have a growing reading queue :-)

>My dating profiles say "I'm looking for no-pressure, casual experiences in both dating and sex." Is that not clear?

I would read this to mean you’re looking for casual sex and immediately swipe left no matter what you look like or anything else you might have said. There’s nothing wrong with casual sex, if that’s what you want. But understand the pool of women in their 30s looking for that is smaller, and those who are open to it are probably going to expect something in exchange.

>I've been on both of these for months. Maybe a year. I go weeks at a time without getting a single match. Even when I do get a match they almost never message me. This is really the crux of my rant. So many people were telling me on my other post that I should have no problem meeting women, and yet I can't meet women. How is that not going to fuck with my head?

I have a theory that online dating is dying. I think most people play it as a game these days and aren’t investing any real time or effort in finding something genuine. The documentary I mentioned more or less confirmed this — you seriously have to watch it ASAP. Also, most of us have been at it a lot longer than you have, and we’ve been on so many bad dates that it’s hard to take it seriously anymore. My friends and I prefer to meet people offline and have all quit online.

>This is the main thing I haven't given significant effort yet. I admit it. Because I'm terrible in group situations. I'm too fucking shy and introverted. Even if I try these things I'll still be too much of a coward to try and make a move. Please understand: I'm working against inertia that's been built up over my entire life. I can't think of a single dating experience I've had that I can look back on and tell myself "I did good."

I get it. I’m a not-at-all-shy introvert. I can turn on the social skills when I need to, but I find it exhausting after a while. Stop thinking about it as dating or making a move, and just go make friends. Practice socializing with men and women with whom you share hobbies or other interests. And if even that sounds hard, seriously look at meditations for social anxiety. There are thousands of free ones online, and they will help. Also consider seeing a therapist to help you get started.

>Have I made the impression that I think this? I barely talked about sex at all in this post. Yes, sex is one of my goals because thinking about taking a woman home without knowing what to do causes a shit ton of anxiety. I'm just trying to figure out an unknown.

Stop being so defensive, stop thinking about sex as a goal, and stop worrying about how to handle it when the time comes. You’ll more likely than not be with someone more experienced, and she’ll be happy to take the lead. Read this: https://medium.com/@JessicaLexicus/give-virgins-a-chance-395b02527435?source=linkShare-511ae20bf0bc-1537596023

>I have a real problem with this word. I've always understood it to include the idea that the guy is angry and hateful toward women because they won't give him what he thinks he's earned or deserves. That is not me. I don't get angry at women for rejecting me. I've never given anyone a hard time for not being interested. I always try to be polite.

That is exactly what the word means, and I’m very glad to hear it doesn’t apply to you. But it’s not good to beat yourself up over your perceived lack of success with dating either. There are plenty of us who are older than you, happily single and still open to whatever may come in the future. It’s all a matter of perspective. Another great read for you: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062265431/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_WVDPBbGFWQBK3

>I appreciate your words and advice. Thank you for trying to help. But I still feel like no one is actually reading what I write. It's just reinforced the idea that I'm somehow inhuman, like I'm incapable of being understood by normal people. So I guess I'm sorry for posting this.

Again, please stop this! We’re reading, we’re listening. But you need to listen too. You are waaaaay too hard on yourself. Inhuman because you aren’t immediately perfectly understood on reddit? You are a good person going through a hard time and probably some depression. You’ll get through it. Please see the resources I and others have pointed you to. It will get better.

I would one up the practice in mindfulness. I don't think the thoughts will ever go away, in my experience it's just a fact of repositioning who is running the show...is it my thoughts or is it me.

Being mindful flips the switch for me, puts me in a state of accepting the reality of what is going through my mind...choosing to let it be but not let it control my direction.

Fear can be a good thing, it's all how it is perceived. I use it to drive and fuel my efforts towards the goals and aspirations I have as a husband, father, and businessman.

Yes, like the squeaky cog, they can't get loud, but that's when I start doubling down on being mindful, staying in the moment, and practicing discipline.

If it helps, here are a few good resources I have personally used in an effort to better myself in the ongoing power struggle happening in the 'ol brainskies:

10% Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in My Head, Reduced Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works--A True Story - https://www.amazon.com/10-Happier-Self-Help-Actually-Works/dp/0062265431

Calm: Meditate & relax with guided mindfulness meditation for stress reduction - https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/calm-meditate-relax-guided/id571800810?mt=8

I hope that helps!

After using the Headspace app for 10 days, you will be prompted to purchase to continue using it and unlock everything. You can buy month to month, for a year, etc.

Last year, I bought a year and did use it all year, but this year I won't renew it. Andy is great about explaining things and it is pretty cool, but I'm going to transition to something else like the Insight Timer.

There is also a Headspace book that you could buy pretty cheaply or borrow from the library if you want to learn more about his process. I also enjoyed the book 10% Happier.

This is a book not a movie but it is fantastic: https://www.amazon.com/10-Happier-Self-Help-Actually-Works/dp/0062265431

I know he likes Dead Wake by Erik Larson

And of course 10% Happier by Dan Harris

Agreed again! Although not all are terrible. I actually got into it after reading 10% Happier. Written by a skeptical drug taking news reporter with anxiety disorder. https://www.amazon.com/10-Happier-Self-Help-Actually-Works/dp/0062265431. Great read, and that's coming from someone who hates these kinds of books. The book also spawned a website with a getting started guide with guided meditation, which I didn't pay a cent for, but it definitely got the ball rolling. Once the basics are down you can kind of take it from there.

Highly recommend this book as well.

https://www.amazon.com/10-Happier-Self-Help-Actually-Works/dp/0062265431

The narrator came back from war reporting in Afghanistan and had some similar aimlessness that he drowned out with cocaine. Which of course didn't help but the books about him crawling out of drug addiction and depression in productive ways. Joe had him on his show as well.

I really like the book 10% Happier by Dan Harris (Amazon). I actually just started it again today. Dan Harris is an anchor with ABC News, so smart phones, the internet, and social media are all totally in his realm. The book reads less like a traditional self help book, and is more about this one guy’s journey to becoming, you guessed it, 10% happier.

It’s about 220 pages, a quick, fun read. I definitely recommend it.

I have fought this dragon, I have some weapons to share. It's a big dragon, and detailed examples help, so this is a long post. For even longer-form content, here are some books I can recommend:

• The Defining Decade
  
• Feeling Good
  
• The Inconsequential Child: Overcoming Emotional Neglect
  
• 10% Happier
  
  Here are your weapons, in no particular order.
  
  First: understand that you are not broken.
  
  You are having a tough time deciding on a course for yourself. That's okay. You are having a tough time finding joy. That's okay too. You don't think "anything is worth it". That is okay, and it presents you with a goal: to find enough meaning that the effort will be worth it. That goal probably seems far fetched, but it is possible.
  
  I used to think that I was broken. I used to think that the things people had done to me and the circumstances of my life had left irreparable harm. I was wrong, and you are wrong too. You are imbued with the same worthiness as every other human being, no matter what. You are worthy of love and happiness, you are worth respecting, you are worthy of having a supportive group of friends, your opinions are worth hearing. You deserve sincerity and honesty and you are allowed to fuck up.
  
  You're also 20, and it is understandable if you don't know how to do most things, as you have never done most things more than once or twice, if ever. You can learn and improve yourself through effort. You are not broken.
  
  Second: understand the difference between thoughts and actions and feelings.
  
  When we have thoughts, they are not a direct experience of the world, they are a projection of reality into language. Thoughts are "said" by your internal narrator, which is part of you, but not all of you. Deliberate or practiced (i.e. automatic but not reflexive) actions are the physical equivalent of thoughts.
  
  Feelings are a direct experience of your physical body: you feel hungry, you feel tired, you feel a tight muscle in your back, you feel anxious. Babies without language feel these things too. These feelings are part of you, but not all of you, because they are temporary.
  
  If you have never paid attention to your thoughts vs. feelings, that's okay. But self-awareness is a powerful ability, and will make your life a lot easier, and it can be learned.
  
  Third: upward spirals.
  
  Feelings naturally become thoughts and actions. We practice it all our lives. An aching pain becomes "Ow, I should stop.", a feeling of abandonment becomes "They don't want to talk to me". Your mapping is not fixed and can be improved with practice: marathon runners translate their aches into "I should change my form," social people translate their feelings of abandonment into "I miss them, I'll reach out and see if they want to talk".
  
  No feelings->thought translation is "better" or "worse" than any other, there are only "upward" and "downward" spirals. Upward spirals are mappings where negative feelings lead to thoughts and actions that tend to lead to positive feelings; downward spirals are mappings where positive feelings lead to thoughts and actions that tend to lead to negative feelings.
  
  So, you want to learn to work in upward spirals. This means you need to be willing to try difficult things, and risk failure, which is scary but not fatal, and infinitely rewarding. If you are risk-averse, that's okay. You can take as small a risk as you are comfortable with, it will develop a sort of meta-confidence about your ability to handle future risky situations.
  
  cont...

Check out the book "10% Happier", it's very well written and explains it clearly.
Non affiliated Amazon link

Yikes, I'm sorry you were in an accident!

You can still do some yoga. Do everything you can either laying on your back in bed or on the couch. And you can meditate if you already were doing that. Five, ten minutes a day. Try the Shavasana (corpse) pose. It's a mixture of both and very, very relaxing.

Since you're artistic, have you heard of bullet journal? Like bullet points. They have them at some Barnes & Noble stores or you can order direct from their site. It's a 'fast' way to journal. But you can also embellish the pages with drawings, doodles and such. Create calendars and ways to track your day. You can create mood trackers too. Food and good habits trackers, etc.

Try reading Thriving with Social Anxiety, The Dance of Anger or 10% Happier.

Do stuff that makes you feel better!

10% Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in My Head, Reduced Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works--A True Story

My two favorite books on meditation are Search inside your self and 10% Happier.

"Search inside your self" is written by a former engineer and current meditation teacher at Google. The books focus is almost entirely on piratical advice on meditation based on peer reviewed research. To be clear, he is not him self a researcher so don't expect that level of detail or writing but there are several pages of references. Here is a talk from him so you know what you're in for.

As I said else where in this thread when /u/slugmaiden recommend "10% happier", I've read a few books on meditation and most are simply "here's a bunch of random meditation techniques". "10% happier" is an actual, interesting, readable, story of how he went from a coke addict that had a panic attack on live TV to a regular practicer of meditation.

Friend, your problem is beautiful in just how clearly it highlights the workings of the healthy human mind! It catastrophizes; it draws inferences based on the smallest sample of data; it attacks, belittles, humiliates and hurts.

The beauty of it all is that there is something beneath all of this which is wise to the game! You only feel that you are a failure and you know that you are overreacting. You are not overreacting at all, of course; it is your mind that is doing that. The you is the something beneath it all that keeps its feet on the ground and looks at the evidence just as it is.

It is your mind that says that the letter writers who loved you don't really know me that well. Your mind can't understand that the you the letter writers loved is the real you. It would rather that you think that the real you is the failure, the weakling, the shy bashful wallflower. That way, your mind can send you off for military training and create a monster than can resist the vicissitudes of life. Your mind still thinks you are roaming a harsh, unforgiving savannah. Your you knows that this is no longer the case.

You say you just want to move past this...well, here's the thing. You already have moved past it. You sent the applications; you didn't get accepted. All that is now left are the memories and the emotions. The memories, as I'm sure you are aware, are just trace biochemicals. They are not even accurate. They are just a great big fat fiction. What is real? Right now. Look at right now and see how there is nothing here to hurt you; nothing here passing judgement on you (apart from the treacherous mind); nothing here that is going to fuck up your future. Just you (and a version of me). We both love you.

The summer internship thing is bollocks. It won't change your life for the better; it won't guarantee you a life of happiness and contentment. It'll just exploit your for a while, and spit you out the other end. All of that time, the shitty mind that torments you will eat you up and say that you taste disgusting. You know what you should do with the summer? LIVE. Discover the real you that is struggling beneath the miserable eye of the mind. Go on a meditation retreat; read about buddhist teachings; get hold of 10% Happier, read it cover to cover and then book yourself onto a vipassana retreat. Leave the summer internships for the future. The number one goal in your life should be finding out who you really are and discovering peace. After that, they will be queuing up around the block to recruit you...and if they aren't, you won't even care!

https://www.amazon.com/10-Happier-Self-Help-Actually-Works/dp/0062265431/ref=pd_sim_14_50?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=46F10187FGWMN8H2Z6P9

10% Happier

10% Happier is also a good mindfulness book to get started with .

Video here

Book here

Dan Harris wrote a book about meditation and its great because from the beginning he explains that he doesn't like all the religious bullshit that is always brought up with meditation. He interviews a lot of people and explains how to meditate like a rational person.