Reddit reviews Anger Management Workbook for Men: Take Control of Your Anger and Master Your Emotions

You're not alone, see quote below from "Rage" by Ronald T. Potter-Efron. Is it healthy? Heck no. You gotta figure out what makes you angry and work through it. Seeing a professional would be great, but there's also self help books like these:

Rage: A Step-by-Step Guide to Overcoming Explosive Anger by Ronald Potter-Efron, a general Psychologist.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0054M068A/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

the Anger Management Workbook for Men, by Nathan R. Hydes, a US Navy Psychologist

https://www.amazon.com/Anger-Management-Workbook-Men-Emotions/dp/1623157307

>Raging Can Get You High
>
>“I go looking for a fight. I seek out my rages. I like fighting, and I don’t like fighting.” These are the words of Demetrius, a twenty-five-year-old member of an anger management group. Demetrius has a long history of getting into trouble because of his anger. He’s been arrested several times already and is facing hard prison time if he doesn’t get a handle on his temper. The trouble is that Demetrius can’t talk about his past anger episodes without smiling. His eyes begin shining, too. Just thinking about raging seems to make him come alive.”
>
>“I’ve written before (in Letting Go of Anger) about something called excitatory or addictive anger. The fact is that anger can really turn some people on. And rage, the most intense form of anger, can get you higher than any other kind of anger. Just ask Demetrius. “Hey, guys, I gotta tell you. Rage is as good as sex. Maybe better.”
>
>Demetrius craves his rage. He can only go so long without raging before he goes looking for a fight. Anybody will do: his 95-pound ­girlfriend, his best buddy, or the 350-pound former pro football player sitting at the bar. They’re all the same to him. First he gets himself angry. Then he gets in their face, hoping they’ll throw the first punch. Either way, he’ll attack. Taste the blood. Feel the pain. Lose his mind. Yes!”
>
>“I call this anger “excitatory” because it triggers an adrenaline rush. But I also call it “addictive,” because it’s awfully hard to give up once you’ve trained yourself to feel good this way.
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>Now Demetrius can challenge this addictive pattern. He can learn to live without raging, just as others must figure out how to get along without alcohol, or speed, or gambling. His goal would be never to rage. As desperately as he wants excitement, as badly as he craves that intensity, as hungry as he is for rage, he must find another path in life. He could find other, more positive ways to handle his excitement (such as a job as an emergency medical technician or any other career with frequent strongly emotional or physical crises). Or Demetrius could redirect his energy toward finding ways to enjoy calm activities. He might try relaxation or meditation, for example. That kind of feeling, serenity, won’t come easily to someone like Demetrius, of course. Still, he could discover that life is good even when you aren’t high.
>
>Do you get high by raging? If so, is it worth it?”

You found the right place. The things we use to calm down don't work if we don't understand what they're for. The punching bag will not cure the anger. Use it for exercise. The goal isn't to end the anger but to control your reactions. Anger is useful information if we can use it correctly. When all our emotions are pushed down all the time and we don't allow ourselves to feel, anger starts popping up like we're playing whack-a-mole at the carnival. Anger is called a secondary emotion because other seemingly smaller emotions can snowball and fuel it if we're not careful. We want to figure out how to turn the fuel off.

You've never hit anyone but are afraid it could happen. If you have even the slightest inclination it could happen - leave the house. Just get up and walk out. The goal is to start changing what you think of in your head when you consider reactions to becoming angry. Say out loud if you have to that those reactions you used to think of are no longer options. You are going to choose new options to help protect your relationship and manage your anger. Nobody is allowed to get hurt. That's not an option. "Nobody" includes yourself. You are not allowed to physically punish yourself for your anger. There are better, healthier methods. Observation, reflection and intervention.

Observation. So instead of thinking of shouting, throwing things, laying hands on people - switch to checking your body to see how it feels, where do you feel the anger? Chest, abdomen, arms, head, exactly where? Put a name on the emotion you feel right now. What exactly are you feeling? Stressed, accused, guilty, self righteous, disappointed, frustrated, what is it? How agitated are you? On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being iced tea and a rocking chair and 10 basically exploding, how mad are you?

Intervention. What can you do right now to get to a lower number. What should you do based on where you are?

Anger Stop Sign
1-3 Green light: Breathe from the abdomen instead of high up in the chest, stand up, look out the window. Where do you feel the agitation? Get a glass of water. What emotion are you having? What are your thoughts and feelings? Write them down.
4-6 Yellow light: Pause. Time out. Table the conversation (stop talking about whatever you're arguing about with someone else) and go to another room to cool off. Count to 10 breathing slowly. Count to 100. Take a walk. Separate yourself from what is triggering you. Only go back to talking after you've cooled off.
7-10 Red light: Go for a walk. Leave the house. Separate yourself from others completely. Consider yourself unfit for human interaction. Be careful what you say and do until you can cool off.

What is triggering you? What is making you mad? This is extremely important to investigate and is also part of reflection. But only after you have calmed back down and can review it rationally instead of emotionally. Calm down first. When we're angry, fight or flight mode has already been activated and our rational mind has been taken over by emotional response to protect ourselves. There is no point trying to decipher who or what made you angry when you're already blowing up and unable to control your reactions because you're already in fight mode. Fight mode makes us lash out at everything around us. It prevents us from looking inward. We have no introspection when we're already angry. So cool off first. Then try to figure out "why" you got angry. The goal is to disengage from the anger, no matter how right or justified we feel about it. That's a mistake, to allow ourselves to feel justified by our anger. We'll never control it if we keep justifying it.

Reflection. Writing things down helps. It helps us remember and review what happened, especially the order things happened in, when we get mad. Were we already in a bad mood? Were we caught off guard? Did someone criticize us? Write just enough to remember the situation. What was going on that I couldn't avoid getting angry? Where could I have intervened with myself? How early in the process of getting upset do I need to do something?

In the beginning when we start this it feels like a wicker basket with too many things going on. But as we practice it makes more sense. Simplify it every way you can. I'm still trying to figure out how to make it easier and intuitive for myself. That's why seeing a therapist and talking with someone face to face helps. If you focus specifically on anger management it takes three to six months to really learn and integrate the techniques. You will have relapses and things you can't anticipate that will catch you off guard. Forgive yourself for these. Getting mad at yourself for getting mad only makes it last longer.

Self care is important. Protect your sleep like gold. If you can't sleep because of thoughts, feelings, emotions, write them down. Just getting them out of your head and on paper helps. You're allowed to rest. The next day is automatically easier, especially in the morning if you've gotten decent sleep. Avoid too much alcohol and social media. They are equally poisonous in large quantities. Read a good book. Put a chair by the window. Watch an actual movie.

Road rage. Leave 20 minutes early for everything. Rushing out the door last minute already puts us at a disadvantage. Drive the way you want to feel. Not the way everyone else is driving. Completely disengage with other drivers. Let them do what they do. It's not your problem. Safety is your only concern. Arrive early with time to cool off from anything unexpected that happened on the journey. What season is it? Do the trees and birds give you any clues?

If you do see a therapist, don't let them talk about your parents or your dog for a whole session. What is happening right now and how can you adjust? It's ok to fire a therapist that isn't working for you. But if you can, pick another one. Keep going. Keeping a notebook of your anger notes also helps keep your therapist on point too because you can reference specific incidents you've written down that need work. There's your to-do list right there for your therapy session ready to go. There aren't many "anger groups" out there but there are plenty books and online classes to choose from. This is a lot of info at once but I hope some of this helps.

It sounds like your husband is habitually angry and is currently inflicting that anger on his family. My wife and daughter went through the same thing for years, so I would like to try to give you some helpful advice.

First, if your husband does not believe he has anger issues, he is unlikely to become better at managing his anger. This was 100% necessary for me and many others. If you won't even acknowledge that you have a problem and that your problem is significant, there's little any therapist can do for you. If your husband is not ready to take responsibility for his emotions and how he expresses them, some sort of ultimatum may be necessary.

Assuming your husband is ready to concede that he has a problem, and if he simply will not see a therapist, you may ask him to take an online course (he won't need to pay for the certificate) or use a workbook. You should take the course and read the workbook too, so you can understand what he's trying to do with its content and maybe adopt strategies to help.

Here are some helpful resources for people in your situation. Please let me know if you could benefit from any additional advice or clarification. I wish you both the very best with this process!

The same author doesn't have a specific book for men, but this one looks good: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1623157307/ref=sspa_dk_detail_0?psc=1

I'm sure there are other good ones.

Congratulations on reaching out. Chances are, if your brother is telling you to come on here, your anger is something that you should learn to deal with, and not ignore. People talk all the time on the internet or on TV about depression and all kinds of mental illnesses, but anger on its own gets little attention. From my own experience, even a small amount of anger can lead someone to lash out and make a bad decision that changes their life.

One way for you to help yourself is to read a book about anger. These two are really good, because they are written by actual psychologists and in way that anyone can understand. (I suggest these because it can be hard to find books about anger, and most of the popular ones aren't even written by psychologists). I think the first one (Rage) might be better for you, because it has lots of examples of different reasons people get angry. It will give you a chance to see how your anger compares to others, and help you decide what to do about it. Spoiler: most of the time, you should focus on figuring out what makes you angry, and then learn ways to deal with that anger. Sometimes the solution is understanding that people aren't trying to be mean to you, even if they seem like it. Sometimes it's learning that you need to leave the area when you start to feel angry. By learning what makes you angry, you can learn to calm down before you anger gets really bad, and you insult or hurt someone.

Rage: A Step-by-Step Guide to Overcoming Explosive Anger by Ronald Potter-Efron, a general Psychologist.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0054M068A/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

the Anger Management Workbook for Men, by Nathan R. Hydes, a US Navy Psychologist

https://www.amazon.com/Anger-Management-Workbook-Men-Emotions/dp/1623157307

>Am I just taking out my frustrations on him?

It sounds like the answer is yes based on what you said. But like others have pointed out, we're missing a lot of details.

>What the fuck do I do? I don’t have any desires to apologise. I can’t express anything without feeling guilty, responsible or ashamed.

Let's assume your goal is to reduce your anger. To do that, first you have to understand why you are getting angry, and second, you have to come up with ways to avoid getting angry. Understanding yourself is all about perspective. Reading a book about anger management or seeing a psychologist are good ways to do that. Either will help you understand better why you got angry when you're dad asked you to do something. For example, you might discover that you got angry because you perceived being asked to do something by your dad was him indicating that he thinks you're childish and lazy. Or maybe you perceived it as him saying he doesn't respect your time. Figuring out the truth can be hard. It involves being honest with yourself, realizing what you don't like, and understanding how that makes you react to what people tell you. It might also involve asking the other person to clarify what they meant to say. Again, all that is hard, and it's helpful to have a psychologist or book to guide you. Some recommendations for books are Rage because it gets to the point pretty quickly. The Anger Management Workbook for Men, and The Anger Management Workbook for Women. All three are written by psychologists.