Reddit Reddit reviews Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors

We found 6 Reddit comments about Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.

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Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors
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6 Reddit comments about Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors:

u/JaySuds · 4 pointsr/Adoption

a) My family was supportive of adoption in general, but terribly ignorant about the difficulties that kids from the system have.

b) Do one, do both, do neither. It is your life, live it as you wish ;) Maybe that is glib, but I'm certainly not in the position to tell you how to populate your nest.

c) Kids who come from the foster care system have generally experienced pretty tough things, often from extended periods of time. Ultimately, these kids need a new home, a new family, a forever family because the court has decided that their biological family is unable to provide a safe, healthy environment - AND - that there are no other family willing or able to take the kids.

The training that you receive as a foster partner will hardly scratch the surface of what is required to deal with the kids and their sometimes extensive needs. Just the logistics of it all can be overwhelming. And the behaviors they exhibit can be downright terrifying or just make no sense. Most of these behaviors, in one way or another, can be attributed to chronic exposure to abusive, unsafe, environments. Kids develop ways to cope with these situations that are unsafe, unhelpful or downright bizarre outside of that context.

I would suggest starting down this path by reading a few books, in particular:

Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors

http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Consequences-Logic-Control-Attachment-Challenged/dp/0977704009

The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog: And Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist's Notebook--What Traumatized Children Can Teach Us About Loss, Love, and Healing

http://www.amazon.com/Boy-Who-Raised-Psychiatrists-Notebook--What/dp/0465056539/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1377749374&sr=1-1&keywords=the+boy+who+was+raised+as+a+dog


Good luck.

u/stillifewithcrickets · 3 pointsr/socialwork
u/zackprice · 2 pointsr/daddit

Man, I feel you here.
Parent of an abused foster (adopted) 13yo daughter here, whose behaviors are very similar to what you mention (multiplied by 140lb body with hormones and the vocabulary of a sailor).

Three Major Points to start:

A. Try to reduce the frequency of the meltdowns.

There are two books you should buy and read right away. The Connected Child and Beyond Consequences. (Links below) Ignore the fact that they are 'for' adoptive families. They are fantastic for bio families too. The basic idea is to promote attachment, show love, use consistency and help your child learn who she is. I can, in no way, do justice to these books in summary so I'm not gonna try. This does not mean they get away with everything. This does not mean you're going to fix everything overnight. It does, however, mean you're going to change how you parent to a totally new model that might not feel natural at first. The more you do it, the better the bond you have with your child.

The style was once explained to me as "General Patton meets Mr. Rogers". Firm, high expectations, but calm and loving all the time.


B. When a meltdown of your daughter does happen.

Just doing the stuff above, you'll still have plenty of issues. That doesn't mean it's not working.
It all boils down to natural consequences. Break all the crayons, can't color anymore. Trash the house, clean the house. Throw a 5 minute tantrum while I was going to be playing video games, kid does chores I would have done for 5 minutes so I can play video games. Threaten to kill self or kill me? Cops are called.

Un-natural consequences (otherwise called punishments) cause their own problems.
By using natural consequences, you don't enter into a secondary battle for control of trying to impose punishments that the child finds unlogical.

C. When you lose your cool during a meltdown

This will also happen, as parents, we're not perfect.
When things go south - Reconnect Quickly.
Be the one that shows the example of remorse and show how you can make up for it. This doesn't mean the child gets away with what they did, though.



All the other stuff you need to do:

Get Help / Don't be Embarrassed: Realize when you need help. In combat, if things get hairy, you ask for help, you don't just wait until 3/4 your men are dead before telling someone above you that you're in trouble.

This means you must remove any stigma you might have from this situation and put your ego aside. Doesn't mean you're a bad father. There are tons of resources you should pull from.

First, surround yourself with a circle of support. Family and friends are very important.

Second, find resources in your community. Could be private therapy, could be from a county mental health organization. Could be a church group. I promise you that there is help out there that people just like you go to.

Care for yourself / Respite
The harder things are at home, the less patience you have. The less patience you have, the harder things get.

You need time for you (and your SO if you have one).

Find ways to recharge. Kid stays with grandparents, friends (with people you trust can handle you child and understand the situation), babysitters, overnight camps, etc.
You can't care for your child if you're totally out of steam.

Ask yourself, what if you couldn't physically control her.
I've been struggling with this in the last few years. If you can only use your mind to parent, and can't physically touch the child (even just to move them into time out, for example), it changes how you will parent them. Start thinking like that, and then add on the fact you can move them in time out as a bonus.

Lastly, realize you're not alone. There are many families that struggle with this type of problem, and it is possible!



http://www.amazon.com/Connected-Child-healing-adoptive-family/dp/0071475001/
http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Consequences-Logic-Control-Attachment-Challenged/dp/0977704009/