Reddit reviews Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition
We found 38 Reddit comments about Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
McGraw-Hill
I found the following non-Christian books very helpful in my own journey to become better at communicating and understanding other people. I highly recommend:
I also recommend the following Christian book for dealing with childhood baggage:
>I had personally verified that every other step was correct. He started talking about how "it's not the point of the problem", even though it would only take five minutes to explain, and eventually told me that he wasn't interested and just walked out. If he wasn't so insistent, I'm sure he could have easily explained what is going on.
Sometimes, to get a little you have to give a little. He was rude, but you didn't even seem to entertain his request for the actual problem.
It sounds like both parties could have handled the situation better. A perfect opportunity for a crucial conversation. [1]
[1] https://www.amazon.com/dp/0071771328/
It could help you to look into conflict resolution techniques. I found a [page] that can give you a good start on the basics. You can read more on certain topics by googling it. Due to how people react differently based on their personalities, it can help you ascertain which approach you may use when tackling issues in regards to your best friend. Think about what you want to say and how to say it. Draw boundaries and though it may seem tempting, try not to antagonize her even if she antagonizes you. Don't go into a confrontation with fuel. Prepare for any reactions she might have based on the guide I linked. Also I enjoyed this useful [book] as it goes indepth and gives examples.
Personally I had a former friend of 8 years who she thought she could say anything to me and treat me rudely because she believed our long friendship was unbreakable - your best friend might be thinking the same way. My former friend was extremely insecure, said very disrespectful things about sensitive topics, and to a point she was narcissistic - she broke my trust in her. I was younger and knew nothing about conflict resolution so I ex-communicated her and our friend group. Though it broke my heart to do so, it's how I felt I needed to protect myself. That was a drastic action I did but I still don't regret it.
In my experiences now, my childhood best friend has at one point said it was weird that I liked BTS (her reservation was that they're collectively younger than us), but that was a very long time ago and hasn't said anything negative since. She cares more about me as a person than my music tastes. Everyone who I'm currently close now as well have the same sentiments and only say nice things about BTS because they know I am a fan. If they say anything negative, it's usually lightly teasing rather than being malicious.
So people who care about you will not try to tear you down and if your friend really respects you and cares for you, she will reconsider her actions should you bring it up to her. If not... well, I think you would already know how she sees you as a person. I hope she will eventually treat you better and consider your feelings more.
For communicating in difficult situations both Difficult Conversations and Crucial Conversations are good. Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion is the best book on how persuasion works, but How to Win Friends & Influence People is the definitive practical book on persuasion.
The Definitive Book of Body Language is a good book on the subject, which is fundamental to face to face communication.
Totally understand where you're coming from! I do agree, it's something to work on, but you obviously know that or else you wouldn't be asking for advice! I personally took some communication classes (while in college) that helped me out a lot with my harshness. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments (usually face to face) but I'm a lot better than I use to be.
Also, there was a professional development training I took a while back and the trainer suggested reading a book for professional conversation. Can't tell you if it's helpful since I never read it but maybe it's also something to look into :)
Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0071771328/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_1BMLDbSRX8T5B
When people retreat from discussion into anger, I go to the book Crucial Conversations to plan. Knowing your boss, you can add a shared goal and contrast to make it absolutely clear you're not criticizing him or starting a conflict: "You're here to make sure I get this task done on time and don't miss any details, like that time I did X. Right? (shared goal) But I'm having so much trouble concentrating with you here all the time. I'm not saying my work is so good it doesn't need to be checked. (contrast) I just want to be able to think through things without having to worry that they're not perfect yet. Can you wait a while and check the finished product instead?"
The idea is to keep things absolutely safe, not calling them a bad person (everyone knows micromanager is a bad thing, and no one wants to believe they're a bad person) and not challenging their authority to do their job. That makes it safe for them to think about changing.
The approach you are suggesting in the OP (gathering ammunition to win a fight over the way things should be) is doomed to fail. Not just because you are subordinate and lack power in the relationship, but also because direct conflict destroys your working relationship. Only dialogue can improve it.
Thanks for sharing your situation, I hope we're able to offer some empathy and ideas that'll help at least a little in your situation.
I can imagine how incredibly distressing it must be to pour so much of your being into something so important to you, then not be seen for the s contribution you made. Sounds like you really just would like some appreciation and celebration of your efforts?
If you're open to some ideas, so here's a few that come to mind:
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1. Empathy first
Firstly, obviously I encourage you to get the empathy you need. If you can get empathy from friends or loved ones, that will help you to release a lot of the stored emotions which will mean that if you do approach your coworkers, you'll be able to be that much more clear, present, and ready. So, if you've got a friend or two to ask if you can vent about it to, I'd go for that first. Sharing here is often helpful in that regard as well, so you're probably already well on your way with this one.
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2. Finding Clarity
I feel one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves in any difficult situation is:
> What do I really want?
This may sound lame, but it has been absolutely essential in my experience. When we ask ourselves what we really want, we get out of our head, drop the blame, and focus on where we actually want to put our energy that'll benefit everyone.
Example: A few months back, I posted here when I was seriously upset by a weird thing that happened with my housemates. Basically, they decided at a meeting I couldn't make it to that I could no longer play music in the shower, but they didn't put it in the meeting notes and brought it up to me in a weird indirect way. I felt really hurt that they didn't bring it to me directly, and shocked that it wasn't put it in the meeting notes since it was a decision that was discussed.
When I asked myself, "What do I really want?" I realized that I wanted basically two things:
a. Honest Self-Expression: To honestly express and hopefully be heard for at least some of my pain around this and…
b. Agreement for Change: To create a culture where it doesn't happen again moving forward. Specifically, by seeing if we can all agree to put ALL decisions in the meeting notes, and directly reach out to someone should a decision impact them significantly.
So, I wrote out basically what I hoped to say. In the moment, I was still fairly charged bringing it forward to the group, which generated some intensity, but everyone agreed that it was weird how that happened and agreed to my two requests (1. ensuring all decisions get in the notes and 2. proactively reaching out to anyone directly impacted by a meeting decision.)
It was such a struggle for me to bring this forward when I felt like the whole group had let me down and thrown me under the bus behind my back. Or at least that's the story I was telling myself… But when I got clear and specific on what I wanted, I could find a way to bring it forward in a way that was honest, could be used benefit everyone, rather than cause unnecessary drama.
Not sure if this is helpful. But what I sense is that you might be in a similar place as I was before I brought forward my concern to the group, and I know for me it really helped to be clear about the exact outcomes I wanted.
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3. Creating Safety: Mutual Respect + Shared Purpose
When we go into crucial conversations, the last thing we want is for it to go into silence (shut downs, refusing to talk) or violence (attack, blame, etc.). So it helps to understand why that occurs, and do our very best to prevent it.
The biggest reason conversations break down into silence or violence, is when people fear one of two things:
So to prevent silence or violence, we do the opposite: We create safety. And that's done by:
So, let's say you go into this conversation with your supervisor, who took credit for the project. If you don't create a sense of safety for your supervisor, the worst case would be 1) he thinks you're basically saying he's an egotistical jerk or 2) he thinks what you want is to diminish the credit he received and downplay his contribution.
Neither of those implications would be starting the conversation off on a very good foot…
So, if you're with me on this, I would suggest you do the opposite. Create a sense of safety in the conversation by establishing:
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(PS This point on safety is straight out of the book Crucial Conversations, not from me, highly recommended!)
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Summary
Anyway, so just to summarize, basically I'm suggesting get empathy first, get clarity of what you want, then plan your conversation by establishing mutual respect & shared purpose.
So how might that sound in conversation? Let's say his name is Tim. Here's just an off-the-top-of-my-head example of how those ideas could come together. Probably nothing like what you actually want to say to him, just an example of how those ideas could be brought together:
>Hey Tim, there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about. It's a bit difficult to bring up, but I think talking about it could really help the strength of our team. You know that project we just finished? Well I'm incredibly proud of the work we did, and I want you to know how much I appreciate what you did to _____ in moving that project forward. One thing I wanted to let you know is that when I saw that my name wasn't mentioned anywhere, I felt pretty bummed because I felt I played an important role on that project - in fact, I was the one who brought forward the idea to others - and I guess I just wanted some kind of recognition of all the work I put into it. I know it's tough to credit everyone, but I feel that when our team members get acknowledgement for their work, it can really energize them to keep up the good work. But when we're not, I don't know about for others but for me, it makes me feel like no one is seeing all the work I'm doing. And that feels exhausting. And I'm sure we all want to work for a team that's enthusiastic about making contributions to the team, not feeling burnt out. Again, I get that it's not easy to name everyone, but I really feel some sort of way of recognition could really help to build a culture on our team where each member feels valued and energized to contribute on new projects, if we can find a way to at least get everyone's name listed somewhere. What would you think if…?
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Whew. Sorry for the wall of text. Hope something in there is useful to you, but feel free to ignore if not!
…Also, a disclaimer that this isn't perfect NVC per say, moreso ideas I'm piecing together from various approaches, mostly NVC and Crucial Conversations.
Does anything here resonate for you?
It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. It’s perfectly understandable after enduring abuse and neglect.
I’d like to share some information that really helped me, that may give you a fresh perspective. If it doesn’t resonate with you, feel free to disregard it.
Communication is like any other skill. We can improve our skill set through learning and practice. We have the amazing neuroplasticity of our brains on our side here! (neurons that fire together, wire together). When learning any new skill we move through four stages as we build new neural pathways;
(we don’t know what we don’t know)
(we acknowledge that we have a lack of experience, knowledge, and understanding)
(we have to actively think about and mindfully practice our new skill; over and over again, learning from each experiment and iteration)
(we no longer have to think about using our new skill, it becomes effortless to perform)
Like riding a bike, or driving a car. You had to move through all the steps until you get to the level where you don’t have to think about it anymore. You just get in and drive.
You are past step one already! You know what you don’t know. To get to step 3, you’ll need some knowledge and tools. Here are a few that I studied, learned from, and started using in my step 3 practice:
So, that psychologically safety thing, was a huge missing piece of my puzzle. My parents aren’t psychologically safe to be vulnerable around. So now I need to learn how to make it safe. And there are been some amazing tools I’ve consumed along the way.
Armed with all this knowledge and multiple strategies, it becomes easier and easier to practice step 3 - conscious competence.
Now we’re into the real deal. We have new knowledge and new strategies, time for some new experiences. This is where we have to be brave and learn to embrace what we don’t know and do it afraid, surround ourself with good people, and abandon our expectations and expect the unexpected. We get to play. And when we play, sometimes we make mistakes, accidents happen, and people get hurt. That’s okay. We use our apology skills and work on building trust again. We set, hold, and embrace boundaries to keep it psychologically safe. We practice. And eventually it will seem to come naturally to us. It just takes time, patience, and practice. You got this!
I had the same problem until I was about 23 or so. My trick was I ended up being a vocalist for a band and it put me in the spotlight. I was pretty much forced to social interaction. Another thing that helped was actually through my employer. They offer classes on self-improvement and social skills so that helped a lot too.
With that being said, there are some books:
Personal tips:
It sounds like you’re already doing well, but this book comes to mind. It’s a good read.
Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0071771328/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_t5d7Cb35X0MDF
There is a book called Crucial Conversations that I highly recommend.
https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second-dp-0071771328/dp/0071771328/ref=mt_paperback?_encoding=UTF8&me=&qid=
It should give you ways to respond to her that aren't either ignore or snap.
You could also try saying something like "It makes me uncomfortable when you comment on my appearance. I would appreciate it if you could stop doing that."
Same with the candy "Susan, could you please not go into my desk anymore."
Crucial Conversations
https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/0071771328
A Seat at the Table: IT Leadership in the Age of Agility
https://www.amazon.com/Seat-Table-Leadership-Age-Agility/dp/1942788118
Soft Skills
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1617292397
Trust
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/184046531X
There's an excellent book called Crucial Conversations which covers this topic superbly well. There are a lot of very predictable patterns which typically block conversation, and there are some techniques that most people can learn to overcome them. Very useful for business and personal life.
Yes. You can both learn better communication skills. It sounds like the real problem here is that he gets upset and instead of dealing with those emotions appropriately he lashes out at you.
I would be willing to bet that what he really needs is comforting but has been taught all his life that showing those emotions is a sign of weakness to be covered up (with anger) at all costs.
There might also be a bit of festering resentment on his part on feeling like he has been coerced into accepting your FWB setup. That he has never been allowed to fully consent to it.
All of these issues can be solved if you both learn to communicate. I would highly recommend that you find some good books on communication, and perhaps even attend a class on Non-violent communication.
The books I have personally found helpful are: Non-Violent Communication and The Usual Error. If you have the time it might also be worth reading Crucial Conversations Tools which you can hear the entire audiobook version free on YouTube here.
I found this to be helpful not only with difficult superiors but with challenging staff/parents.
Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition (Business Books) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0071771328/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_xFYYzbSQM904J
>Problems arising in development for which we have trouble finding or creating a good solution. This may take a few extra hours but in some cases it has taken days to figure some things out, and this is time that is 'unaccounted for' because these tasks have specific hours/points assigned to them.
This is an issue with planning. Things can and do happen, but if they are happening frequently you have an issue with planning.
One thing you can try to do is assign a 'champion' to each ticket during the first discussion. (backlog grooming usually) The champion is responsible for gathering all the needed information and essentially the go-to person for understanding what needs to be completed and all of the dependencies. This person should also work with product to break an epic or story into the appropriate scope and subtasks. If a problem does arise, this is the person responsible for working with relevant stake holders to come up with a potential solution to take to the group.
>Time spent going back and fixing previously-completed components when new components break them. Our app is comprised of many components that work off of each other and sometimes changes to one either break another one or require some further changes to other ones to prevent breakage.
This is another planning issue. if you have to frequently go back and fix stuff that was completed then you didn't accurately capture the dependencies. (or someone else released something without checking your dependencies. still an issue with planning, just maybe not yours)
This is harder to fix. a champion can alleviate this to a degree, but it depends on the nature of the dependency. either way, not enough communication is going on.
>From the UI side, going back and fixing/updating/improving components that were functionally in a completed state. This one doesn't take up much time, but it is still not 'tasked' time.
Then task it. you should be capturing as much of your work on paper as possible.
if UI is outside of your team, it should be accounted for as a dependency the team is responsible for.
Again, not enough communication is going on. UI people should be part of your planning and you should be accounting for this time.
>The biggest problem comes when we have to make changes to multiple components simultaneously because they share functionality or work together, and this appears to cause a delay because 'neither of them are being completed on schedule'.
guess what I'm going to say. :p
sounds like you need to work with your SM to re-establish communication chains. they aren't there.
>We are all talented developers and we know what we are doing, but the seemingly 'results-driven' approach of SCRUM is not making a lot of sense to us right now, and morale is low.
your SM doesn't know what he's doing, sadly. Sounds like a converted PM that hasn't crested the learning curve yet. It sucks that Morale is low. You can do things to help him out and keep morale high. unfortunately this also depends on his willingness to accept the fact he doesn't know what he's doing.
You should really sit down with your SM and talk to him about this. It's his job to remove impediments. low morale is an impediment. how do your retro's go?
One of my favorite stories to tell, is one of the first retro's I was observing. (normally only the team should be present, but we made an exception for training purposes. I was there to observe, not to add) The company I was at was in the middle of a transition to Agile. They weren't prepared to hire dedicated SMs, so we were training within and having volunteers be SMs on teams temporarily.
Anyway, during the course of the retro, the team talked about how the current SM was not meshing well with the team, and wasn't really embodying Agile/Scrum as everyone else understood it. They decided in the Retro that the SM wasn't right for the team, and they needed a new one. So that's what they did, switched SMs right in the middle of the retro.
>Sometimes unexpected and time-consuming shit happens, and tasks cannot be completed 100% in one sitting. It just doesn't make sense to me. Can someone please explain how to handle these scenarios?
This largely depends on the group and the environment. if things are changing as frequently as you say, and they always will, then you should explore other models than Scrum. Specifically lean/kanban is better suited to volatile environments.
Within Scrum, when an event occurs that drastically changes the scope of a sprint you're supposed to bust the sprint. This is, by design, a painful process. you should immediately go into retrospective. talk about what went wrong. go into planning and re-establish baseline. figure out what the team can get done with this new information and restart the iteration.
Again, this is painful by design because it is a last resort. if these events happen frequently, then there's something else going on that needs to be addressed and talked about. mostly because you lose two days every time you bust a sprint. it paints a giant target on you that screams 'we didn't have our crap together. so now we have to go back and get our crap together' and no-one likes that. This is the main mechanism used to 'force' a team to fix their problems. granted, most SMs and most companies don't bust sprints even when things are going very poorly. but this is what scrum has in place for what you described. (so start doing it.)
In reality, Scrum tries to prevent these scenarios by enforcing better habits around planning and commitments. if you're new to scrum, or don't understand it yet, this can be extremely chaotic as Scrum assumes you have certain things already worked out. Scrum training generally does a woefully inadequate job of explaining this. the point is to highlight your main problem areas so you can fix them.
It's doing that very well. you've identified your time sinks. have some problems. Scrum's job is done. now it's your turn. talk about the issues as a team and figure out a solution based on the context of your environment (team/project/company/organization).
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Recommended reading:
Phoenix Project: https://www.amazon.com/Phoenix-Project-DevOps-Helping-Business/dp/0988262509
Crucial Conversations: https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/0071771328/
Lean from the Trenches: https://www.amazon.com/Lean-Trenches-Managing-Large-Scale-Projects/dp/1934356859/
When you're ready for something more advanced:
Tribal Leadership: https://www.amazon.com/Tribal-Leadership-Leveraging-Thriving-Organization/dp/0061251321/
Toyota Production System: https://www.amazon.com/Toyota-Production-System-Beyond-Large-Scale/dp/0915299143/
Lean Software Development: https://www.amazon.com/Lean-Software-Development-Agile-Toolkit/dp/0321150783/
Note: This last book is 'advanced' mostly because of price. It's worth it.
Yep, sounds good. I read a number of books on the topic of negotiation and interpersonal communication. The main books which standout are Never Split the Difference and Crucial Conversations.
All these books have gems of information, at their core - they are really getting at two principles:
Outcome and purpose seem like the same thing, but they are actually different. The tools you mentioned seem to embody these principles.
As far as how they would work in an online community - who knows. It could strengthen dialogue, or it could seem over-bearing. It would be an interesting experiment to try to enforce these communication styles.
Check out the book Crucial conversations.
You seem like a detail oriented intelligent reader, I think you could get a ton out of this book, but keep in mind the hard part is applying it.
There’s a few people recommending Dale Carnegie here, but in this situation I feel “Crucial Conversations” is more appropriate, more up-to-date and worth reading regardless.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0071771328/
Well sometimes you have to just chill and let things be for awhile. I would suggest working on yourself for a period of time. You can look at these situations and try to see your part in them, where did you go wrong, what could you have done differently, what different actions could you have taken that may have led to a different outcome?
I've done this myself for years and it's helped me deal with difficult relationships. Asking those types of empowering questions can often unlock parts of our behavior that we were previously blind to or didn't realize their effects on other people.
I used to blindly react to people. I was very much in a mode of trigger/response and sometimes my reactions would deeply hurt or offend the other person and when I'd try to repair the damage, often it was just too late and they were done with me. Years later I was able to revisit many of these relationships (as part of the recovery process in AA) and make amends to these people.
These amends are not about me accepting 100% blame for what went wrong....not at all. But as they say, "It takes 2 to tango" which means that I had a part to play in things going to shit and I need to take responsibility for my part, apologize where needed, and clean up my side of the street.
All of this is done without any expectation of response from the other party and very often in AA we hear stories of people doing this and the other party still doesn't forgive, still doesn't want anything to do with the other person and still wants to fight. However we do the amends for us so that WE can let go of our part knowing we did the best we could to repair the situation.
If I've done this properly, I can forgive myself for not being perfect, for being only human (not superhuman) and go on with my life knowing that I've done the best I could to repair a bad situation. Sometimes this has actually lead to some really cool things happening with these relationships and a healing on both sides. It's quite an amazing thing to watch unfold but again, I can't have any expectation of cool shit happening or I'll get pissed if cool shit doesn't happen and that's NOT why I making the amends. I'm making the amends for me....because I want to be happy, joyous and free and I simply can't be if I've got unresolved shit in my life.
If you're looking for some additional resources here's a book that approaches it from a non-AA stand point. The book is all about learning techniques for resolving conflict in a healthy way. Very often this isn't taught in schools and people don't know these techniques but they can be learned.
Hope that helps and I wish you all the best.
Great work! Reading through your post, the first thing I thought of was Crucial Conversations. (Not a sales pitch, I'm just a business owner that read the book and has gotten a lot of good use from it) I've had to have several difficult talks with people... some personal and some professional. I would highly recommend reading this, it will reinforce the stuff you already navigated pretty well, from what I gather. This won't be the last hard talk you have to have as a business owner, and this book really does a good job of going through how to approach those.
Ah. This book may help you.
Perhaps respect and safety . . . .
And a problem and the source of the problem can be different things.
7 habits is a good book.
Also read Crucial Conversations
Crucial Conversations
Yeah, time to find evidence merits serious skepticism. It could be wishful thinking. To be fair life is busy and it's not a topic I would hoard info on, and I already don't recall info well. I think I said I'm LDS - this point isn't one of ours (just mine), but we've got serious interpretation issues that go back to the Nicean Creed, like 300A.D. The orthodox/Catholic split and Protestant fracturing and Martin Luther and you know the rest - it's just a big mess and all have to be partly wrong. A running joke among some lds is that you can argue the trinitarian doctrine more effectively with a misread of the Book of Mormon than with the Bible.
I think what matters to me more is what's true pragmatically. If it works in the long run, it's true. There are a lot of things in my faith that seem crazy externally, but they consistently result in correct predictions (Family Proclamation gave our stance on recent&new issues in 1995) and have the best possible outcomes. (As one piece of evidence, this week Pew Research put us on top in marriage.) http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2018/03/19/share-of-married-adults-varies-widely-across-u-s-religious-groups/
Maybe I'm wrong on Jesus, but I feel my interpretation works far better pragmatically. That and the idea that there are 2 different Jesus approaches opens you to picking the more convenient one at the time, even if it justifies atrocity. <Insert Petersonian Postmodernism rant> lol.
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Ah, I didn't know you were talking about day-to-day shadow integration.
There's a little red book called "Crucial Conversations" I highly recommend to you. Was course material in a college course and it nailed how to handle difficult situations and people fantastically. Link for convenience.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0071771328/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1521769430&amp;sr=1-2&amp;pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&amp;keywords=crucial+conversations%27
I think proper shadow integration from what i mentioned before and now this communicatively can be summed up by the verse "be wise as serpents, but harmless as doves". I think this book might be one fragment of wisdom on how.
It's important to respect boundaries and this is definitely an important conversation, but I want to share some advice for you here, too.
My little guy is 2.5 now and if there's a theme that's arisen for me as a parent, it is all about letting go. From the moment he left the womb, being a mother has been one long act of stretching out the umbilical cord, further and further every day, an inch at a time. Control is an illusion and it does not help your child to grow. So part of my message to you is this: there's some wisdom in what your husband is saying. The past can't be changed; we can literally only accept it and move on, or get angry about it and get stuck.
That being said, setting clear expectations with family members early on is important and this is a fantastic opportunity to start that conversation. My MIL insisted on taking pictures of me post c-section in my pink nightgown no make up etc after I'd repeatedly asked her not to. Video even. I put my foot down and insisted she delete all of it because there was a respect issue there. But I did it with as much love as I could muster and I didn't make threats about not seeing the baby etc. I see some posts here suggesting that sort of thing and honestly I feel that's a little misguided. There's a way to have this conversation that doesn't end with people not talking to each other and you and/or your child losing out on a good relationship with the in-laws.
There's a great book called Crucial Conversations that talks about how to do that effectively.
https://www.amazon.ca/gp/aw/d/0071771328/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1480070269&amp;sr=1-1&amp;pi=SY200_QL40&amp;keywords=crucial+conversations&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=51W9DU9pFuL&amp;ref=plSrch
Hope that helps :)
This will get buried and might not directly apply, but I feel it's worth noting:
I work in a high octane industry that is very dependent on interpersonal communication both with clients and coworkers. I'm also married, run a separate start up, and volunteer a lot so I spend a lot of time communicating.
Check this book out: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0071771328/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1459120866&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=SY200_QL40&amp;keywords=crucial+conversations&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=51aefLfnGUL&amp;ref=plSrch
Only one or two other books have had more of an impact on my professional and personal life. And this one is by far the most helpful with communication.
I understand you are looking for a way to not get angry, and I sincerely believe it starts at the beginning of the interaction. Have the right mentality from the start. That book will help tremendously.
A few other quick tips:
a. If they are friends...ditch them. They aren't friends.
b. If it's necessary for work or something similar...keep reading.
-people can be frustrating...but you can only control you. So listen first...then explain. You might be surprised at how they react. Again, I don't know the exact reason for the interactions...but this is always a good mentaility to have.
Lastly, I want you to know these steps aren't probably perfect for your situation. What I know, is that if you can change how you see interpersonal communication from the start of a conversation...your attitude will change too. I was in the exact same boat before as you are now.
Good luck friend!
I'd suggest Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition . I found it to be a good introduction on how to lead firmly yet fairly. I used the methods a lot in my retail job but I'm not sure how well they will translate to military life haha.
You desperately need to apply the skills taught in this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/0071771328
Or you need to get out of the relationship - your pick.
Crucial Conversations is a good book on the topic: http://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/0071771328/
Sun Tzu's "The Art of War"
Dune by Frank herbert
Crucial Conversations
If It Hurts, It Isn't Love: And 365 Other Principles to Heal and Transform Your Relationships
Halfway Human by Carolyn Ives Gilman
I don’t know of any classes. Have you considered a book?
Crucial Conversations. Tools For Talking When Stakes Are High.
It’s $11.02 with Amazon Prime
https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/0071771328/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=21DZI89Z231JO&amp;keywords=book+crucial+conversations&amp;qid=1550258269&amp;s=gateway&amp;sprefix=book+crucia&amp;sr=8-1
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My two cents. I am in a position of management at work and have to have hard conversations like this all the time.
I recommend sitting him down and talking about the exact problems, in detail. "On this song, it took 5 takes, and you still couldn't hear that you were off on the second phrase, were late on the chorus." etc.
Ask him what he thinks should be done, in detail. And ask him to set measurable expectations. And then follow-up with what should happen if he doesn't meet those expectations. Example:
"Well, I should practice more and get lessons."
"And how will we measure if they are working?"
"Well, I guess I'll be able to come in on beat and not miss any notes."
"And what should we do if after 3 months you are not able to do that?"
If you do it right, he may talk himself out of the band.
There are also books that cover how to do this in a way that is productive.
read this: https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/0071771328/ref=sr_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1518119923&amp;sr=8-1-spell&amp;keywords=crucial+conversatio
Even if he is feeling really, really scared and/or threatened, he should not be resorting to such... fearmongering. And he seems to be a little confused by the word, as well. "Fearing" the status of your marriage, and "fearing" for your life are two totally different definitions. The first is concern, and latter is fright, and neither one develops into the other; they're rather mutually exclusive.
If you still want to help him, it's quite obvious he's afraid, himself. The best solution I've found for fear is love. Doesn't matter which kind—familial, platonic, romantic—they all dispel fear, each in its own way. It's up to you to decide how to proceed with that information. In addition, talking through things will answer a lot of questions you've asked below.
I really hope this helps you. (Also, that it sounds at least half-intelligent.)
> Talking to people is really difficult for me.
And what are you doing about that?
> Thanks to some lovely conditioning from my parents, I feel like every emotional conversation I try to have is going to end up with me being the problem.
That totally sucks. My own hoarder, BPD mom left a lot of marks on my psyche...which is what therapy is for. And self-help books. And working on becoming a better person, a more truer version of you. So what are you doing to get to those things?
> I've tried mentioning it a few times, but I never really get much of a response other than "you don't seem like you want to be here". Of course that's a reaction to a perceived lack of desire, so I have no idea what's going on.
It sounds like you have work to do in communicating. Do you have insurance/can you get a therapist? If so, that's a great place to start. There are also a number of excellent books out there on communication - this book seems to have great reviews: https://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/0071771328/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1468345548&amp;sr=1-3&amp;keywords=communication+skills. If you have a tablet or smartphone, you could download it right now and start learning how to communicate, so that you can nip this (and every other problem that comes up in your life that requires communication (and that would be ALL of them)) in the bud quickly.
Crucial Conversations is an excellent book that was recommended to me by a friend. It helps build skills essential to high stakes discussion such as, relationship issues with your SO, difficult projects with coworkers or a boss, talking with your teenager, etc.
I like to think of being the head of your channel as if you were the CEO of a startup. A mod then is one of your employees. Now in this case most people don't pay their mods, but that doesn't change the dynamic of this business.
If you want to be formal, put your mod on a pip (performance improvement plan) and if they don't improve by the documented date then "fire" them by telling them they aren't going to be a mod any longer and revoking their permissions. A ban and a conversation with your clients (viewers) may be needed for damage control.
If you want advice on how to have that difficult conversation then I suggest the book crucial conversations
Good luck, and remember that you must come first!