Reddit reviews Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

DON'T WORRY CITIZENS!

Alice Miller, "The Drama of the Gifted Child"
> WAHHHHH! BEING SMART IS HARD!

Ta-Nehisi Coates, "Between the World and Me"
>Everyone's a little bit racist

Simone De Beauvoir, "The Ethics of Ambiguity"
>Existentialist navelgazing

Albert Camus, "The Plague"
> More existentialism, but this time people die

Brene Brown, "Daring Greatly"
>What if being some sort of cuck soyboy was actually kinda badass?

Atul Gawande, "Being Mortal"
> Killing them softly, with his loving take on the role of modern medicine in death.

Ali Rivzi, "The Atheist Muslim"
>Being an edgy teenager, but on "difficult" mode

Muhammad Yunus, "A World of Three Zeroes"
>Zero Poverty, Zero Unemployment, and Zero Net Carbon Emissions... also zero sex scenes.

ETA: short, possibly misleading synopses by someone who hasn't read these books.

Yes. Therapy now. I'll tell you a story of a person I once knew. He was not good looking by any means, but his personality so outweighed his visual looks that it was very easy to completely ignore his looks. He was a really nice, really fun and quirky guy. I know it's tough (I've been bullied, too), but please see a therapist and develop your personality. Once you start doing things that engage you, you will become a lot more interesting. People who judge you on looks alone are not people with whom you want to hang out.

P.S. I read Brene Brown's Daring Greatly and it really helped me a lot. I highly recommend it.

Edited to add book.

If anyone wants some reading material on this topic, let me know. This kind of thing can be really hard to overcome and damaging to relationships.

Edit:

Hi people! I received a lot of responses about this. I feel bad for not responding earlier, but I was busy, and feeling guilty is part of my own thing that i need to work through. When people talk about this problem of “pleasing people,” what they are often really talking about is shame-bound systems. It might not be obvious at first, but ask yourself, what feelings would you experience if you weren’t trying to please others? What would it say about you if you were just trying to do what makes you happy? What feelings are you trying to get away from when you think about this? In addition to the books mentioned by /u/alpinejonny, I recommend the following:

More on the academic side:

Facing Shame, by Merle Fossum and Marilyn Mason

This is a classic book written for therapists about people in shame-bound family systems. I recommend going here if you want a deep understanding of how and why families create cycles of shame, one manifestation of which is “people-pleasing.” It’s an older book, but it’s still an important one.

Shame and the origins of self-esteem, by Mario Jacoby

Mario Jacoby is an influential Jungian analyst. This book is expensive, but I really recommend taking a look at this book’s table of contents to see how in-depth it is. Amazon’s “look inside” feature has a lot of pages from this book available online, and you can click on table of contents sections to see more information about that section. It might have a lot of the info you need.

More mainstream:

Reinventing Your Life, by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko

Despite the ugly cover and horrible title, this is a really, really solid book based upon schema therapy. This book covers a wider range of schemas or “lifetraps,” so it is appropriate for many people. It can be eye-opening. I would definitely recommend it, especially the chapters on vulnerability, dependence, abandonment, and defectiveness (shame).

Daring Greatly, by Brené Brown

Brown is a leading researcher in the field of vulnerability right now and has down a lot of interesting qualitative work in deconstructing the concept of vulnerability, which is something we must experience if we are to say ‘no’ to our people pleasing tendencies. I’m not the biggest fan of Brown’s mainstream writing personally (I’m more on the dense/academic side of things), but her key points are dead on and her writing works for many people. I really appreciated her famous TED talk when it came out.

Healing the Shame that Bind You, by John Bradshaw

I haven’t read this one, but I have heard really good things. Again, Amazon’s look inside feature is helpful here. A lot of the book is already online.

Hope that helps! Other users have been recommending to me books about codependency. I haven't read any books about codependency specifically, but I can see that being super helpful.

unsolicited advice:

work on developing the self esteem. change your world view. realize other people's opinions of you are merely their opinions.

someone not liking pizza doesn't make pizza less awesome. the same applies to you. preferences aren't objective truth. peoples preference for a certain type of person don't make that certain type of person better or worse than any other type of person. people have inherent value.


I'd also recommend this

https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1518228651&sr=8-1

from the person who gave this ted talk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o


not an expert, just someone who struggled/struggles with the same shit.

I've mentioned this book twice in two days. I swear I'm not getting $ for this.

Daring Greatly.

It's more about being vulnerable than self-esteem, but it teaches you that being vulnerable isn't a weakness. There's a strength to be drawn from being vulnerable. And the behaviors that you engage in to protect yourself from being hurt are actually keeping you from engaging in an intimate and rewarding relationship.

Daring Greatly - Bréne Brown


https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419

Fantastic book for people who have trouble just getting out of their heads and doing things.

In my life I found the one thing I couldn't do was to be vulnerable. In anything. Showing weakness in my mind was a quick path to pain so I just stuffed literally everything down. Come to find out I'm not so unique and that it's ok to be vulnerable. In fact not being vulnerable is what hurts so much. It talks about vulnerability in ways that have helped me tremendously and allowed me to make some real progress in my life.

Body issues affect men loads more than anyone cares to discuss and gay men are hit particularity hard. For example, "straight-guy thin" is "gay fat". Guys of all ages tear themselves apart and other gay men are happy to help. In an ever-more image focused culture, it is a struggle to not fall into this trap of trying to live up to everyone else's highlight reel when you're living your b-roll.

I struggled with being a chubby kid forever. I was called 'fatty-faggot' my entire childhood. I am a normal weight now at 29 but my self-image has never caught up. When I am stressed or upset, I feel like that chubby little boy who just wants to hide. That said, what helped me was working on myself inside and out and setting incremental goals rather than grand, long-term goals. Easier said than done, but here is what I did.

The first thing I did was clean up my diet and portion sizes. That is 80% of the battle on the weight front. Figure out your TDE for calories, eat a deficit, lose weight. It really is that simple. I track using the app MyFitnessPal. You can eat anything but a a balanced diet of protein, fat and carbs with minimally processed foods will keep you from feeling hungry and give you steady energy. I always pack my lunch for work and if I forget, I keep Soylent at my desk so I don't eat out. When I can, I research where I'll be eating out so I know what I want to order and don't get tempted by things that'll blow up my daily intake. I know what is not-awful at fast-food joints. I drink but track the cals. And sometimes, I say fuck it and eat a big fat meal...but eating excessively has to be the exception, NOT A RULE. What helps me is not seeing every meal as a pleasure cruise but as me just refueling to do my work and live my life.

Drastic diets do not work. It'll take some trial and error but you will find out a lifestyle of eating that suites you. Remember, this is a long game of changing your habits and your relationship with food. It does not matter what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas but rather that you eat between New Years ans Thanksgiving.

I committed to a 'no zero days' approach to exercise. Everyday, I do something for 30 mins that gets me off my ass. Even if my day is crazy, I walk my pups for 30 mins. I use my Apple Watch to track. Often, I eat my lunch at my desk while I work and use my lunch hour to get moving. You don't have to spend 3 hours a day in the gym to build exercise in. If you wanna give your cleaned up diet a boost, this is how you do it.

Finally, learn to start loving yourself being more mindful about how you consider yourself. To this day, I have an automatic negative self-image and when I catch myself being hard on myself, I ask "Well, what have I done today or ever to make this better?" or "who says I need to be this way or look this way?" You can motivate yourself and still be gentle with you. Read some self-help books and if you feel you need it, consider therapy. There is no shame in asking for help.

These helped me shift my thinking:

https://www.amazon.com/Velvet-Rage-Overcoming-Growing-Straight/dp/1611746450

https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419

I hope this helps buddy.

Yeah, you may be getting a bit of a roast because some strangers on the internet think you moved too fast based on a 300-word story you told.

Everyone has things they're bad at and blind spots when it comes to dating and relationships. Those of us who are quicker to feel a connection usually get hurt more often. Those who've learned to protect their hearts more ferociously often struggle with connection in other ways. We're all trying to do our best; we all have things we could probably stand to work on.

But none of that was the point of your post, and I get it. To me, it sounds like your point was: "My personal struggles with dating are causing me a lot of heartache -- is it worth it?" You're the only person who can answer that question for yourself, but let me tell you that BOY can I relate to the feeling.

To connect with another, we have to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable opens us up to being hurt.

Here are a couple of articles about vulnerability. I also highly recommend Brene Brown's now crazy-popular book Daring Greatly. I suspect it's been selling so well because people are suffering from the depressing feeling of disconnection in alarming numbers, and we're desperately trying to figure out how to reconnect with each other. Brown suggests that vulnerability is the key.

I've decided that it's worth it for me. Even though I keep getting hurt, I plan to keep trying. I've learned a crap-ton about myself along the way, and all of it has been invaluable to making me a better person (and possibly a more attractive person). I've learned some ways to reasonably protect my heart even while being vulnerable. I've learned that it pays to choose carefully who you are vulnerable with. I've learned that it's important to set boundaries for yourself and be brave enough to honor them. I've learned that it pays to surround yourself with non-romantic friends and family who reliably build you up and affirm your good qualities ("I'm so proud of you for getting that promotion!" "Your performance was great at last night's open mic!" "I think you're doing a great job raising your daughter.")

You can do it, OP! It sounds like you have a lot of love to give, and it would be a shame for that to go to waste. I wish you all the best.

My partner and I have been together for 17 years and married for 13. I'll try and break down what has worked for us. It may not work for you, and I have no idea how to find someone as awesome as my partner but maybe it will help.

You need to find someone that you can be on the same team as. That is all. It is simple but not easy. There is a lot of work that goes into it and excuses are not a part of it. When you screw up, and you will, you have to apologize and mean it. The goal is to not make the same mistake twice. Make different mistakes.

When you are on the same team you do everything in your power to make their life awesome and they do the same thing for you. If both of you are working to make each other's life better, then it works. If you act selfishly, not taking them into consideration when making decisions, then it doesn't work. Impulse control problems make this super hard, but if your focus is making their life awesome you can do it.

ex) I want a nintendo switch super bad. But I know that if I spend money on that paying the rest of our bills will be hard and it will create a hardship for my partner. Since my goal is for her life to be awesome I don't want that, so I don't buy a nintendo switch.

A large part of this is honesty. You need to be honest with your partner and yourself. You know what you are not capable of doing. Don't pretend like you can do things that you know deep down inside you can't. There will be things that you are a lot better at then your partner. That's why you guys are a team.

ex) I am bad at house cleaning alone. I won't do it. I'll start, but I won't finish. But if we put all of the cleaning tasks on pieces of paper and I draw out one task at t time, it is a game. We call it the Cleaning Chalice. I know that if something is a game I am 100% more likely to complete it. So, working together, we gamify as much as possible.

Another part of being honest is not hiding your ADHD from them. This is how your brain works and the more you can help them understand how it works the better. And it isn't easy to explain why you interrupt all the time, or need to fidget to pay attention, or why you have flunked out of college three times. But if you talk it over with someone who is on your team, they will try to understand. It won't happen overnight and it is a constant learning curve for both of you.

ex) My brain jumps around a lot and I am impatient. So when my partner was trying to tell me something I would try and guess what it was, interrupting her constantly with my guesses. This was incredibly frustrating for her and she expressed that to me. We talked about how/why this was happening and figured out I did it when I didn't have anything to fidget with. So now when she tells me about her day, I make sure I have something to fidget with.

Truthfully it all comes down to finding someone who will be on the same team as you. If someone can't deal with it, then they aren't on your team and never will be. You can't change how your brain works and other people can't change how their brain works. Instead you need to find someone who has a brain that works with yours. Unsurprisingly, everyone's brain works differently and chances are they also have some sort of mental illness.

Make sure that you are open and honest with people about what is going on. Not everyone will understand, but those that do will become your inner circle. People that you don't have to pretend around. Eventually you won't have to pretend around anyone.

I know it is hard to feel safe and comfortable sharing ADHD with others. People make assumptions about what that means and some people don't think its real. But if you can share with people and answer their questions, you will find happiness. Lean into what you are afraid of. You are strong enough to survive. Your brain is resilient.

Read this book. It will teach you to be vulnerable which will help. It is terrifying and wonderful and has helped me out in every aspect of my life especially in my relationship with my partner.

TL;DR: You need to be on the same team as your partner.

This is a bit tangential, but I have some awesome reading recommendations for you and any other perfectionists reading right now.

I am an INFJ entrepreneur

There is alot to unpack in your question.

Do you know your ennegram type?

Cultivating self awareness is the absolute key, check out gary vee's youtube channel for more information about that.

>I've failed a lot, and feel like giving up

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQZLeOh-kkQBRO6sRZPQw9MGVoxk_YPNYKGylt5ZWNaSOR5VanZ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdAKO3b8oLc


>all the time but worrying everytime you do it?

To be successful in business I think you need to really enjoy the risk, like for that to become your comfort zone. A good book to read about this is "daring greatly" https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419

Also overcoming any anxiety you might have with CBT.


>I have this desire to kind of change the world and make people know their potential and be good at it through business

Visions like that take decades or your whole life to accomplish. Also you need to carefully think about how you want to change the world "for the better". Many business don't change the world for the better, and since capitalism itself makes the world "worse" (I am totally anti-communist too) than it can be difficult to work within it to really positively change the world.
Whats your idea?

So many have said, in more articulate ways than I can, what I would like to say to you. Instead, I’ll give you some practical advice:

I also struggle with feelings of shame and low value. I also look for external validation in order to feel loved. I recommend that you get “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown. It changed the way I think about my need to seek external confirmation of my worth. I still struggle, but at least now I have some tools to fight back.

https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1524172025&sr=8-1&keywords=daring+greatly

Cheers,

I thought you were my SO when I read your post!

I can tell you, as a man, in my mid-30's, who loves to cook (raised in a family of chefs), I get very frustrated with a few things when I'm cooking for a SO. Add in: I'm a perfectionist, lawyer who is a stereo typical "Type A to everyone else in the world (MR. Tough Guy, hear me roar!), but I'm really a Type B deep down inside (Roaring makes me exhausted...)." Over the years, I have learned to settle down, but it took a bit: A LOT of patience from my SO, couple's counseling, and reading a few books.

From my perspective, I want everything to be perfect. (I know, I know. It can't be. Working on that...) I want the meal to be plated and put down on the table exactly when the main / sides finish AT THE SAME TIME. It frustrates me to no avail when everything is on the table, and my SO is walking around the house, NOT eating. &%#%#&*@!!!
(╯ಠ_ಠ）╯︵ ┻━┻ (edit: added /u/spaghettirobotti 's emoticon)

But, I've come to realize that's just the way it is.

What has helped me calm down in the kitchen is my SO talking to me in a very, very gentle way about how I'm a perfectionist and I need to calm the f down. She started with a lot of "I feel ____ when you're upset that we don't eat right when the meal is put on the table." "I love that you take the time to cook, and I appreciate it so much. I want you to know my favorite meals, so we can enjoy them together." "It's been a long day, I'm really craving pasta, but I can't eat it because of our dietary restrictions. I've found nuking it a bit in the microwave gives it more of that pasta mouth-feel." Give him the opportunity to be open with you. I'm sure he looks at it as if he's providing for you, he's doing daily acts of service, and he [REALLY] wants to please you and he's being vulnerable with his food (see below, food is art).

Some other things that have helped me. 1) My SO and I started going to couples counseling. Up until then, no one had ever taught me how to be in a functioning, working relationship. Sure, my parents stuck together, but they weren't in the best place and I didn't learn how to truly be in a relationship until my early 30's. 2) I read a bunch of books... Seriously. I found so much clarity in Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. And I figured out how my SO felt loved with this one: 5 Love Languages. Both of these books had such an impact on my relationship.

I totally get where your SO is coming from. It's like bearing your soul to the world when you cook something. Just like an artist or singer showcases their talent and wants positive feedback. It can be tough for men, especially if at one time he was a professional cook / baker, to put their "food" out there and not get great feedback. I say "food" because for people who take cooking very seriously, it's our art.

Cooking healthy can be very tricky. No one grew up with their Mom teaching them the family recipe for spaghetti squash or cauliflower pizza crust. I have found two books that are amazing in this area:
Daniel Walker's Against All Grain Meals Made Simple, and her other book, Paleo Recipes. Walker's primary focus is to collect recipes for people with dietary restrictions / gastrointestinal problems / allergies. I cook 3-4 meals per week from them. If I want pasta, I'll sub out the squash; flour tortillas swapped for lettuce, etc. But the meals are VERY good (my favorites are the Ropa Vieja and Slow Cooker Orange Chicken). It also has a great spaghetti squash recipe. ;)

I hope this helps. Good luck!

Brene Brown is awesome. If you haven't read any of her books, pick up Daring Greatly. Warning: When you see the LDS church in the stuff she writes about dysfunctional organizations, you might be tempted to throw the book across the room. Try to hold back, though, because seriously considering her research-informed thoughts on shame and vulnerability will make you a better spouse, parent, leader, and overall person.

A few professors at my college (a very small one) take the time to listen to my fears when I've talked to them one-on-one. I have very supportive friends who give me fantastic life advice and don't shame me for being confused about my own life and being a pretty "out there" guy as guys come.

The best starting place is a book called Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. As a psychologist, she studied shame for years. The premise is this: we perceive being vulnerable as weak. When do we feel vulnerable? When speaking in front of large crowds. When making mistakes. When we say something against the popular opinion. When do we perceive OTHERS as brave? When they speak in front of large crowds. When they make mistakes then own up to them. When they speak against popular opinion.

So why do we perceive our own moments of weakness as moments of strength in others? Because we know how much it hurts to open up, to drop the facade, to show what a "disappointment" we really are compared to how people see us. When two people sit down and can remove that pretense and just trust each other with raw feelings, treating our weaknesses not as shame, but as guilt - not as who we are but things we have done - we really see our behavior in a new light.

Fair warning - this book makes people cry. I've had a friend read this book and just spend a whole chapter sobbing. There are times when it feels like Brown is personally attacking you and tearing down the walls you've set up to protect yourself. And I can say it's really helped me. It's not magical by any means, but I've become brave enough to sing while walking down the sidewalk, and open up to my friends about my problems and social fears. Moving from shame (being bad, permanently) to guilt (having done bad, with changed ideas for tomorrow) has helped me kick a couple self-destructive habits.

I'd say it's worth the $10 to buy. It's a heavy read (not long, just painfully truthful), so it takes a while. But maybe we can move beyond "I have no friends and am fundamentally broken" to "I feel pain for what I've done, know that's not who I am, and I'm ready to try again."

I believe that educating yourself about shame is the best thing you can do for yourself and ultimately others. Read (or listen to) "Daring Greatly" and "Neurosis And Human Growth". These books have lead to discovery which has lead to understanding which has lead to peace, for me. 100% chance they will help you too. :)

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https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=daring+greatly&qid=1567279095&s=gateway&sr=8-3

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https://www.amazon.com/Neurosis-Human-Growth-Struggle-Self-Realization/dp/0393307751/ref=sr_1_1?crid=EQAV5UKFJ9YP&keywords=neurosis+and+human+growth+karen+horney&qid=1567279160&s=gateway&sprefix=neurosis+%2Caps%2C197&sr=8-1

While not specifically about social anxiety, "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" and "Daring Greatly" (Brené Brown) both have been helping me untangle a lot of my issues over the last few weeks.

If her TED talks speak to you ("The Power of Vulnerability" and "Listening to Shame"; don't be put off by the titles), give the books a try.

Daring Greatly by Brene Brown isn’t about depression specifically but about underlying emotions like vulnerability, shame, and grief, and how these emotions can be turned to inspire love and joy. Depression or not, highly recommend to anyone and everyone.

Not sure they fit 100% but:

Switch: How To Change Things When Change Is Hard

Redirect: The Surprising New Science Of Psychological Change

Brene Brown - Daring Greatly

I wonder if this book by Brene Brown would be helpful for you. Her ted talks are also really great, and an easy place to start :)

That's great news, all of it! The fact that she owned up and apologised says very good things about her character, and hey, even if it doesn't work out there's clearly plenty of other fish.

Somewhat out of the blue, but you mention that you both did things you regretted... I recently read a book called Daring Greatly and it was a massive help to me to understand some of my behaviours and what to do about them. It's about vulnerability and shame. It sounds a bit hippy self-helpy, but the author is an academic researcher and it's solid stuff. I plug it to everyone I meet because I think it's really helpful.

• Badass Ways to End Anxiety & Stop Panic Attacks!
I got this on a whim upon seeing the 5 star reviews, and I though, why not? It ended being an invaluable resource when I experienced a setback. It's a very casual, common sense, and at times humorous, approach to tackling anxiety. Read this, if nothing at all. The author also has an app with audio supplements as well as a weekly email with helpful tips you can subscribe to.

• The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook
This has tons of researched, science, and evidence-based information thats incredibly helpful. Definitely take the time to do the worksheets and practice. No matter how tedious, you can never do too much. Not to mention the fact that you can access to their online audio recordings once you register the book online. The audio files contain meditation, calming, and visualization techniques. The guided progressive muscle relaxation was a life saver before hitting the sack and waking up as calmly as possible. Tip: if you do fall asleep well after trying that, also try saying, "today is going to be a good day" the moment you wake up. It will drastically change how you approach your whole day, and helps with the onset of panic attacks.

• Daring Greatly by Brené Brown
Although this isn't geared towards anxiety, I found so many useful tools for approaching vulnerability and finding the bravery you need to go through the scary, dark parts of recovery. Very uplifting and enlightening.

• Notes on a Nervous Planet
I will simply quote a reviewer:
"As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, Matt's writings help in letting me know that I'm okay. This book is exactly what I needed to read. We are living in a time that is hard to understand and sometimes letting go is necessary, but not to the point of recklessness. Matt seems to always find the right way to pinpoint the struggles of many and he has the ability to make us feel as if we are wrapped safe in a warm blanket."

I had my first ever anxiety attack in late July. It was terrible, and I was in the hospital overnight. I thought I was having a heart attack (at 42). One Ativan brought me back, but I haven't been the same since.

Before it happened, I used to be able to control myself. Then overnight I just felt like I broke, snapped -- like I stepped too far off a cliff where I couldn't stop rolling down or recover. It was a bad spiral where I couldn't believe it was happening to me, and that there must be something wrong with me. I keep Ativan on me for times when I feel like I’m stepping off that cliff. (As an aside, my doctor did some blood tests and found my thyroid was low; I’m on a pill a day now to remedy it, and I think it’s helping.)

Shortly after the anxiety attack, the first thing I wanted was to just time-warp back to the way I was before it happened. However, after some introspection, I realized the culprit was my behaviors and mindset leading up to that event. So, there was no path to take but forward through it, and changing myself. Going back just means I would like experience it all again.

I have been pretty open with some friends about my anxiety attack, and learned I'm not the only one…not by a long shot. And neither are you! First, realize that. Second, a friend of mine recommend this book which has truly helped me: Daring Greatly. There's a lot of meat in there, so I've had to read it twice, and that's probably not even enough. The book deals with shame and vulnerability. Topics that won’t make dinner party conversation, but for me, the anxiety was built upon a lot of crap that was pressed down over time, and then shaken up all at once like flakes in a snow globe. The goal is to not let that crap settle back again, but get rid of it. Daring Greatly has been helping me do this.

This is the first time I've shared my little story here online, but I thought if there's the remote possibility that I could help you, I'd do it.

I think we're talking about different sets of things. Besides the fact that many people have self-taught successfully... and a lot of interesting things do happen mostly in private or in very supportive environments (again, writing).

I'm talking about activities where other people may be accidentally present. That is team activities (team games) and general life (parenting) and open-audience actions (publishing art) and the criticisms that will often be perceived as hostile tend to happen there.

Most people do not have coaches and that's not really where they get their criticism. I seriously doubt the OP is referencing a football player complaining about Jim Harbaugh offending them. The thing about coaches is that you can generally safely assume they're on your side (of course, not always true). I would be very honored to be criticized by Jim Harbaugh. Unfortunately, sensei's of old all seem to be in football these days and I don't play football, I'm stuck with the idiot fans on the sidelines, so is everyone else.

It's important to know when a criticizer is not on your side because it's actually not that hard to damage a person if you want to. Taking criticism is a vulnerability position, and, albeit useful for feedback, you are also open to damage if you don't know how to shield yourself to damage. I do not believe your position provides such a shield, you're just blindly opening yourself to all damage and hoping your ability to disseminate whether a criticism is good or not will work.

When the criticism is "You suck at this because you're lazy" or "institutional racism is made up and you're just way too easily offended" or "you are a terrible parent because you do/do not hit your kids" the line gets hazy and I would much prefer people default to defensive "fuck the critics" positions than "well this makes me feel bad because it sounds like something I deeply fear is true", which are often confused with "hitting the nail on the head". The occasional useful advice is not worth the damage. If you actually care about the subject you can note the common themes pretty easily just from the mass of junk and explore it yourself.

Examining studies on the effects of corporal punishment of children is more useful than worrying about being a bad parent all the time. You being a purposefully bad parent is unlikely to be the issue. The issue being confusing and poorly understood is. Be interested in the subject and look for evidence and you'll be farther along than most. Not ideal but human life isn't and won't be for a while.

I would certainly not recommend, uhh, destroying your old "self" all the time or very often since that sounds like you don't have anything solid to begin with. New information should be integrated into your framework. That's not a trivial process either. Actually if I ask most people what their framework is they don't know.

Scrutinizing and criticizing yourself all the time is a good way to start hating yourself. It requires extremely high confidence to do that (or a recharge method) and I don't know many people who possess that. I much prefer a method where you expose yourself to a lot of various information and see if your model makes good predictions. Even that is a pretty heavy cognitive load but it beats nitpicking yourself all the time, that's going to do more harm than good.

I'm very much aligned with (even though I don't agree with all of it) the Daring Greatly book on the issue of good and bad criticism. Bad criticism is common and creates a lot of negative and chilling effects on peoples' expression and action. It's not trivial effects that you can just wave away and wish you didn't care or something. A lot of it talks about how criticism (much of which is in shaming form) tends to make people close up and one needs to create special defenses to be able to handle proper criticism without being damaged by the bad criticism.

You seem to be implying that this is something everyone can just go up and do. The book implies otherwise and it has a pretty extensive bibliography, and one of the approaches advocated is Theodore Roosevelt's spin on "fuck the critics". To hear the right critics it's rather useful to fuck the rest.

Fear of vulnerability. There is never a healthy way around mental problems. Only a dredge through them. But the other side is clear! You can try self help if you like to read. https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419 good book. If you prefer therapy it can definitely help. Best option probably both.

“We judge people in areas where we’re vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than we’re doing. If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people’s choices. If I feel good about my body, I don’t go around making fun of other people’s weight or appearance. We’re hard on each other because we’re using each other as a launching pad out of our own perceived deficiency.” - Brené Brown - Daring Greatly.

Yes. Shame is not what tells you that you are doing something wrong. Shame is what tells you that you are wrong and the situation is helpless. If you are wrong, how can you change?

There are are some books (based on research) about it. Two I've read are Shame and Guilt (emotions and social behavior) and Daring Greatly. The first is more like a textbook and the second one is written for the casual reader

My guess is that it's not really a sex issue but an intimacy issue.

watch this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
she has another speech called "listening to shame", and a book called "Daring greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"

https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=daring+greatly&qid=1556076505&s=gateway&sr=8-1

Dudeee. You should get this:

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/1592408419/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_i_W2IFDbN5244EH

Love is worth it imo. Being vulnerable to become a more complete and your confident self. Confidence doesn't mean being all 'up' and in high spirits all the time. The whole not opening up thing is the same as me tbh. I've had some potential great friends down by being flighty and not opening up when I needed to. I had quite a lot of friends back when I attended church. Again, it's that 7's fear of negative mental states. Although, luckily, I do have a few best friends (two to be exact) who I can count on during anything.

Also you ever been to a psychologist or therapist?
This last psychologist that I connected with was one of the best experience I've had and she had taught me on becoming more vulnerable. She really listened and understood me. I had a great chemistry with that woman even though she was like 10 years older. Not to mention she was easy on the eyes ;) I told my feelings towards her (she was one of the psychologist/therapists I've bonded with), before she had to take leave due to going on a break lol. So that 'connection or 'chemistry' is out there somewhere. It's just a matter of finding it. You and I deserve the best in life. I wish you luck in your journey :)

Similar place in a lot of ways. I found Brene Brown's more general work on shame to be really fantastic as well. Never hear of AD before, but will check him out https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419

It has gotten popular recently, but that book is everything.