Reddit reviews Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ
We found 28 Reddit comments about Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
IQ
A few books on personal relations don't hurt either. My younger self needed to stand up for herself more, and in better ways.
Edit: Several people are asking for recommendations. These are some I have found extremely helpful:
I have a few I really recommend:
Thanks for the Feedback is one of the best I have read that incorporates info I have heard from other books all in one place with practical examples. If I could give a copy of this book to every person on earth I would. (The same people wrote a book called Difficult Conversations, but I have yet to read that.)
Edit to add Consious Business. This is the one I meant to add as the second recommendation; it is mostly about working with others in business but really applies to working with anyone in all relationships.
Emotional Intelligence is another I recommend, giving guidance on how to understand emotions. (Read this, then go re-watch Inside Out.)
10% Happier is an exploration into meditation as a non-spiritual thing. See Dan's video.
59 Seconds is about little things we can do to make our lives better (all science study based).
And Stumbling on Happiness is about understanding our own motivations better (also research study based).
Some of these books are clearly about "self help" but understanding ourselves is a key to understanding our interactions with others. And I try to only recommend books that are based in science and research.
I also like Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg, Incognito by David Eagleman, The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg, How Children Succeed by Paul Tough, The Hidden Brain by Shankar Vedantam, Nudge by Richard Thaler, and Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahnerman. Oh, and anything by Malcom Gladwell; I may not always agree with him, but he is thought provoking and well researched. (I have an Audible account and have found that a good way to get through books while doing other things like exercise, long car trips, or cleaning the house.)
More Adds; Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely, The Paradox of Choice by Barry Schwartz, Nurture Shock by Po Bronson, My Age of Anxiety by Scott Stossel, Far From The Tree by Andrew Solomon, The Charisma Myth by Olivia Cabane, How We Learn by Benedict Carey, and I generally like anything by the Freakanomics guys.
Edit: And thank you kind stranger for the gold!
If anyone would like to make recommendations to me based on the above list, please do so! I always have a growing reading queue :-)
was in denial about how much the trauma and neglect i sustained throughout childhood had had an effect on me. i told everyone and myself that i was fine, but it was becoming quite apparent to me that i wasn't
i came to the conclusion that although my whole life intellectually i had been far ahead of (most of) my peers and even many of the adults in my life, emotionally i never really made it past eight years old
was at the library a few weeks later perusing for nothing really at all and somehow this book called emotional intelligence by daniel goleman caught my eye and the title alone caught my attention. it was literally exactly the shit i had been obsessing over in my head
read that and have been using it's info/advice to grow the fuck up ever since
watch this video on emotional intelligence, and if it seems like something that could be useful to you, id really reccommend getting the book that he references. This has proven a really useful resource for me in trying to get my shit together, and from what i read in your post, it seems like something you could dig. Hope it helps!
/u/jugglegod, are you female? I ask because female ADHD plays out a lot differently than what has been generally assumed/stigmatized as typical symptoms. Here is a helpful article discussing the gender bias in diagnosis & how many go undiagnosed under the radar-- like I had!
To answer your question, I am an ENFP with diagnosed female ADHD. This was a good read for me yesterday that /u/sonofkratos submitted to the subreddit-- its about ENFP but you will be able to draw some similarities between behavioral attributes in this article and attributes of female ADHD.
I wasn't formally diagnosed until 2011 (age 21), so I have only been on medication for it since then. It has been extremely helpful in addition to methods I use to approach my symptoms.
A really important point I want to make clear is that in NO way did a diagnosis give me an excuse to use in my interactions with others for the way I am. It empowered me to approach my behavior (INTERrpersonal reactionary & INTRApersonal empathy) with cautionary methods to keep me on track.
The diagnosis helped me understand WHY I was frustrated/depressed--
TL;DR I guess my coping methods are ways of constantly nagging myself-- but my biggest gain has been in developing personal empathy and emotional intelligence. As an ENFP, we're highly emotional/passionate, overthink things, and have trouble with relationships by reacting poorly to those that are close to us when we hold them to our often high (and perhaps unrealistic) expectations.
These two books (here) and (here) have recently helped me a lot in the areas where my ADHD and ENFP collide.
Good luck and sorry for the lengthy post!
I've also been struggling with liking myself, my identity, and generally how to live my life the best I can. Hopefully some of my experiences can help you out.
I am currently undergoing CBT and have been reading a lot of psychology-type books to supplement becoming a better person. I would highly recommend Emotional Intelligence as that was recommended when I starting seeing my therapist. It's hard to summarize but it's mainly about learning to work with your emotions and how to work with them effectively.
I would also recommend Learned Optimism if you want to have a more positive outlook, which I assume most people would want.
Finally, I'm reading The Obstacle is the Way right now and I'm really into it. It's mainly about Stoic philosophy and how your perceptions affect your emotions. I've been getting more into Stoicism lately because it's very much about focusing on what you can change and accepting what you can't. Yes, I know we've all heard this before but hearing someone lay it all out with examples really helps you to embrace a healthier way of thinking.
Those three books together have fundamentally changed my outlook on life for the better.
There are techniques to help manage emotions, and with practice you can become more proficient at doing so. I read this book by Daniel Goleman about 10 years ago and it has really stuck with me since then.
Psychoanalytic theory isn't going to give you much insight into the mind, sadly. It's outdated by almost 80 years at this point. The main psychoanalytic theories on personality and structure of the mind are the common ones in pop-psych that most people know. Freud believed that early experiences were sexual in nature, and failure at any stage of psychosexual development resulted in being "fixated" on that stage (Oral, Anal, Phallic, or Genital), which lead to problems later in life. It's not a testable or falsifiable theory, so it's been abandoned since before WWII as a serious area of scientific inquiry, though many practitioners of classical Psychoanalysis were trained through the 1980's.
Various Behaviorist concepts now dominate the practical applications of psychology, but don't often give much in the way of insight into the mind as it is considered little more than a processor of stimuli. Neuroscience is left to fill in the blanks of how the mind processes that information, and that's how the vast majority of the modern work on it is done: fMRI studies on stimulus-response patterns creating activity in various sections of the brain. for the most part it's working quite well so far and some people have recently begun having human brains directly transmit information/commands through an electronic medium.
If you're looking more for the internal experience or organization of the mind, there's a very wide variety of authors and theories to choose from. The ideas of Schemas and cognitive development by Jean Piaget are still taught and utilized today as they provide a useful foundation for understanding how the mind learns to process information. Similarly, Lawrence Kohlberg's theory of moral development is also still taught and prominent because of the foundation it lays for understanding the basic information processing that's going on in us all the time, usually without our awareness.
For book recommendations, I would have to go with Daniel Goleman's Emotional Intelligence as a good start for laymen in the field to understand where much modern theory is pointing. Goleman's explanation of the slow and fast processes of perception and cognition (one conscious and slow, the other unconscious and fast) are largely responsible for the Freudian phenomena of the "unconscious mind." The ideas of id and super-ego have been largely replaced with neuroscience regarding behavioral reward pathways in the brain (especially relating to addictions), impulse control, and social influences on behavior (taboos, mores, laws, etc).
Personality theories get complex because just defining what a personality is (or agreeing that such things even exist to define) has proven to be problematic. This site gives a pretty good overview of personality theories in psychology and is very well sourced.
Defense mechanisms are part of the out-dated psychoanalytic model, but are still mostly recognizable today as maladaptive behaviors. They're as varied as the people that come up with them, though some are common across populations and cultures (dissociative fugues, Stockholm Syndrome, Munchausen Syndrome, etc.). I don't really have much recommended reading here for informational purposes, sadly. The idea of a coping mechanism or maladaptive behavior is somewhat nebulous and could be almost anything done cognitively or metacognitively to reduce overall stress on the self, including various addictions, self-delusion, repressing a memory completely, rewriting a memory through repeated story-telling, or just ignoring something stressful and hoping it goes away.
Hope I managed to help a little here, even if I didn't give you exactly what you asked for. Good luck in your search!
Who is whining? It doesn't bother me personally, but it does others and could cause a backlash from our representatives and voters.
Glad I could help give you a lesson. You could use a little emotional intelligence. Here is a book you really need to read instead of just trying to piss off people. Emotional Intelligence. Why it is more important than IQ
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work was a great read. I didn't need all the "I can predict divorce with astounding accuracy!" claims - the book itself was great. It has really concrete examples of good and bad male/female behavior, how to recognize it, and now to break out of the cycle. It also very accurately discussed how there are just long term, unresolveable conflicts in any marriage. No two personalities will completely match, so you need to learn to treat the friction with respect and patience.
Another super interesting book about emotional intelligence is Emotional Intelligence: and Why it can Matter More than IQ. I read this and suddenly the whole "but I'm being logical and you're just being emotional" accusation really took on a new meaning for me. The "logical" person probably has a low emotional intelligence and is probably the person who actually doesn't understand what the fight is about. I really recommend you read this one too. It will help broaden anyone's understanding of what it means to be a high functioning human being.
Yes, I recommend doing the following: taking an improvisation course (gets you thinking on your feet), befriending and speaking with a lot of women (they're often great conversationalists), learning about emotional intelligence (read this book), and reading the body language chapter of Unlimited Power. All 4 of these should give you great skills and practice until it's a subconscious skill.
You need to learn your triggers (sounds like you're doing so) and unlearn the behavior. The right meds should stabilize your mood enough to give you a hair's breadth of control. It is your job to learn to grab control in that gap and choose a deliberate response. I recommend Emotional Intelligence time and time again to help people educate themselves about how hardwired responses drive behavior.
That's interesting, because a few of these ideas come out of Harvard. Daniel Goleman has done a lot of good work on leadership. If you want to improve your people skills, I'd recommend reading a bit of his work:
Being conscious of my feelings and aware of where I am emotionally. Having this awareness allows you to essentially act before being dragged into reacting, if that makes sense. I can choose to step away from this situation and calm down now, or I can wait until my anger is to the point that I am merely reacting. Just avoiding being angry isn't the solution. Anger is a valid and important emotion, it's how you handle the anger that's important.
You should check out a book by Daniel Goleman called Emotional Intelligence. Part 2 has an entire chapter (Passion's Slaves) dedicated to anger and rage that is very insightful. You can read a little bit of the chapter in the Amazon preview.
Another book for understanding how your words can mean more than what they sound like in your head is Emotional Intelligence by Dan Goleman. I read it at about your age and it changed my life.
I'd say that How to Win Friends... is more relevant for getting to know new people and generally how to be pleasant in everyday interactions. Emotional Intelligence gets at a more basic understanding about what it's like to communicate your needs and desires, especially with loved ones. I read the original book (https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-Matter-More-Than/dp/055338371X) which was more theory based compared to the newer books released about the same subject that tend to be more oriented towards business.
Also, regarding How to Win Friends... it's not really how to win friends, it's how to develop superficial familiarity with people. Don't use it as a guide to how to develop intimate friendships or people might eventually think you've prematurely turned into a middle aged businessman.
So, I looked over your posting history before making this list. It seems like you have a confident head on your shoulders and understand women reasonably well.
Whatever catches your interest. :D
Being able to step back and enjoy the human comedy.
Also, a pointer to a fascinating book is "Emotional Intelligence". There's an updated version but I haven't read it.
For example one thing I remember is being able to detect your own emotions as they happen is very powerful.
Congratulations, you're human.
I [21M] hit this mid last year and I'm still reeling...
There is plenty of good advice in other comments, but consider that starting down this road might be one of the hardest things you have ever done, but it guaranteed to be one of the most exciting.
Do not be afraid to seek help from others or from professionals.
Remember that there are people like you out there.
Also, this may help bridge the gap between your analytical and emotional processes.
I used to suffer from this too. For me, I struggled with a lifelong history that told me that I wasn't smart enough to offer the world what I felt deeply I could. Eventually I realized that everyone & everything has some fundamental flaw. This helped to release me from the mental paralysis of thinking that my struggle was something unique. The funny thing is that most people will struggle with this at SOME point in their life. For me, it was from around 20-23 years of age. For my wife, it was from about 28-33. It's different for everyone.
I do recall reading a book in one of my college classes called Emotional Intelligence . If my Swiss cheese memory is accurate, I think that there's a chapter in it which describes "emotional hijacking". This chapter helped me into realizing WHEN & WHAT was triggering my Flight, fright or fight mechanisms. Once I honestly asked WHY and refused an answer which wasn't fact based, I realized that many of my anxieties were driven by things which were 100% theoretical. As time went on, I became more and more disciplined at throwing away or giving minimal weight to what an opinion meant about ME.
e.g. Someone responds to an idea by saying "Great idea, but it'll cost too much".
Old me would have thought "They think the idea was dumb. Is it dumb?"
New me thinks"good point, what variables could be changed to make this cheaper ".
Sorry to drone on, but one last thought which could help boost you when your demons are beating down your self worth...I remember heavily questioning my potential whenever I would run into someone who I knew was clearly smarter than I was. I came to terms with this when it dawned on me...
"They may have been born with the 128 pack of crayons. True, they possess colors like chartreuse & mahogany yet I do not. But I will color the SHIT out of what I can with my 8 pack of crayons. I may have to mix and match my colors more but this will not stop me from creating my masterpiece"!
agree #16 is maybe the most interesting one - if you want to read more about, this book was pretty inspiring: http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-Matter-More-Than/dp/055338371X
There's a book called Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. According to this book, EQ is more important than IQ because networking and being able to navigate social situations is more important to success in life, including in business, than IQ. That means IQ is not the best thing in the world; EQ is.
Emotional intelligence
A few I've gotten into recently:
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-Matter-More-Than/dp/055338371X - Emotional Intelligence - it's about the difference between your brain's rational/logical/analytical processing and emotional/intuitive processing, and why they both matter.
https://www.amazon.com/Drive-Surprising-Truth-About-Motivates/dp/B0032COUMC/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1541098584&sr=1-3&keywords=drive - Drive - it's about how motivation works, particularly in the workplace but also in personal life, and how freedom, mastery, and a sense of purpose can motivate people to do greater things than classic rewards and punishments will.
https://drgabormate.com/book/scattered-minds/ - Scattered - it's mostly about ADHD, but it has some really interesting stuff about the psychology of sensitive minds and how they can be damaged by childhood stress. The book focuses mainly on the psychological aspects of ADHD, and less on the medication and how-to-fix-it stuff that the more self-helpy ADHD books talk about.
https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034 - How to Win Friends and Influence People - it's an older book with a weirdly folksy tone to it compared to modern books, but it still has some great advice. It doesn't dive deep into psychology, really. It's mostly about how little changes to how you approach social situations can have big effects on how people feel about you and whether or not they'll listen to what you have to say. For example, people unconsciously feel better when they hear their own name, so it helps to deliberately remember and use the names of people you meet.
Read the book. It has a lot of practical value.
This one? https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-Matter-More-Than/dp/055338371X/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?keywords=emotional+intelligence&qid=1563794483&s=gateway&sprefix=emotional&sr=8-3
These were the most helpful Books:
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-Matter-More-Than/dp/055338371X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=emotional+intelligence+daniel+goleman&qid=1565396925&s=gateway&sprefix=emotional+intel&sr=8-1
https://www.amazon.com/Stress-Management-Gerard-Hargreaves/dp/081447022X/ref=mp_s_a_1_6?keywords=gerard+hargreaves&qid=1565397121&s=gateway&sr=8-6
https://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Person-Thrive-Overwhelms/dp/0553062182/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=elaine+aron+highly+sensitive&qid=1565397025&s=gateway&sprefix=elaine+aron&sr=8-1
Just take things slowly. I would personally recommend finding a therapist. Someone who isn’t going to diagnosis you to bill insurance. A therapist doesn’t need a diagnosis to bill but a psychiatrist does. However a psychiatrist can prescribe medication if you need it.
In the mean time there are books I would recommend. Either read them or listen to audiobooks. Whatever books speak to you.
If money is an issue you can always go to the library or use the app Overdrive. Overdrive is a free app linked to your local library.
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-Matter-More-Than/dp/055338371X[emotional intelligence ](https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-Matter-More-Than/dp/055338371X)
I'm glad it was helpful. like I said you are far from alone. I felt like I wanted to throttle my kid many times at that age. but it just takes some perspective. if we were to have a second kid I would look at it totally differently. I mean it would still suck in the moment but I'd have the perspective that I do now; that this is a phase, that the kid doesn't know shit, that it's up to me to know what's wrong and what can fix it, etc.
in terms of the grieving your loss of pre-baby life, it took me waaaaay to long to recognize or even begin to address it. my kid is 3.5 now and I'm still dealing with it, my wife even more so in some ways. look up and study the stages of grief. it may seem weird to think you are grieving something that isn't like your dog dying or some shit, but losing your pre-parent freedom is a HUGE deal that from my experience people don't really address head on. they just sort of accept their new responsibilities and have a lingering resentment for the freedom they lost. better to take a look at it straight on and see where you are at in the process.
in terms of earplugs yea just the spongy disposable kind are fine. that way you have a tub or bag of them you can go to and don't have to worry about finding a particular pair. idk what it is about a baby's/kid's cry/scream but it fucking drives me up the wall like nothing else. I'm guessing it's something evolutionary built into dads to have us respond to our child's needs because it's like a fucking primal thing for me. I mean it raises my blood pressure instantly. it causes my body to respond like I'm in a fight or flight manner. definitely the limbic system at play (side note: if you have struggled with emotions at all in your life check out the book Emotional Intelligence. it will help you understand how all that shit works and allow you some greater control over it through that understanding). the earplugs just help tone things down a bit so you still have that emotional desire to respond but not as much of the "omg stfu you little shit wtf is wrong with you?"
glad to hear you aren't drinking too much. I got pretty far down a hole on that front. it was already a problem for me before I had a kid and having a kid only made it worse. 7 months sober today and between that, working on my mental state, and exercising I feel probably the best I have in my entire life. I mean the daily grind still sucks ass (I also have a job I hate, but at least it pays decent), but now I have the tools to manage in a healthy way.
finding time to do stuff is a real challenge. just make sure you aren't making excuses to yourself or just being plain lazy. sure you may have to get up an hour earlier to hit the gym (that's what I do), but the reward is substantial and something that will far outweigh the cost. if you find yourself saying "I don't have time for that. I don't have the money for ___". seriously consider why you are throwing up road blocks to yourself. it will make you stronger and since you are a dad now the stronger you are the better. women have many struggles they deal with and I'd never discount them, but men do as well and ours IMO rest squarely on our own shoulders. like I mentioned before, look into stoic philosophy/thought. there is a subreddit for it to get you started. trust me on this one. it changed my view completely about how to deal with the obstacles life throws your way. instead of looking at all the problems I have to deal with now as annoyances or just some bullshit, I look at them as opportunities for me to grow and achieve. you may not struggle with this as I did/do, but it's worth looking into.
all in all man, you aren't a bad person or a bad dad. you just don't have the tools yet and that is frustrating as fuck. I mean I remember walking out of the hospital with our newborn and being like "holy shit I have a fucking kid now. shouldn't they have given me like a handbook or some training or some shit before they let us leave with this helpless little shit bag?" nope. it's up to you to figure that out on your own. and you are going to make a TON of mistakes. don't beat yourself up about those. USE them to grow and become a better parent/person. ask, read, try. just be careful taking other parents advice as set in stone. even what I'm saying. I mean give it some thought and try it out but if it doesn't work for you then don't fucking do it. this is just the beginning of a life of responsibility. just realize that you are still in the very early phase. I hardly even remember the first 4 months, let alone the first year of my kids life. it's a sleepless, frustrating, flailing blur. it helps to be aware that there is a light at the end of the tunnel so to say, but also that the tunnel you are in isn't all bad if you shift your view of it. give yourself a pass for what you have done. but don't keep doing it and try and get better. find what works for you. be like a fucking rock as best you can. waves of baby shit and vomit crashing against you and the screams and cries in the air and you are just solid as fuck and can't be defeated in your role as partner/parent. your wife will see it, your kid will instinctively recognize it and it will keep him calm. seriously, babies are like dogs. they can sense your emotional state even if you don't. so if you are fucking stressed and pissed they know it. and you know what? it's going to affect them. like your agitation may be the cause of your kid freaking out. just think about that for a minute. it's like a positive feedback cycle and that kid isn't going to be the one to stop it. you have to. I know you can do it man. being self aware is the first step. find tools that work for you. stop fighting what you can't change and work on what you can change. from one dad to another, I wish you the best and believe you can find the strength within to knock this shit out of the park.
I would consult all the literature that has been written about this and speak to therapists/researchers/psychologist/social scientists who study this area. I would take notes from them on what are some "best practice" advice for becoming a more stable and emotionally aware individual. There are books on this stuff written by legitimate folks.
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One example:
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https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-Matter-More-Than/dp/055338371X
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I find it absurd that such important self-knowledge is not taught. Most parents suck at this shit and don't pass down the information to their kids.
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