Reddit reviews Emotional survival for law enforcement: A guide for officers and their families
We found 30 Reddit comments about Emotional survival for law enforcement: A guide for officers and their families. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
Used Book in Good Condition
Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement is a must read book for any cop. It should be given to every 5 year vet. He’s right at point where not naive enough to believe the job won’t change him, but young enough to still escape with his marriage, family, finances and health.
Get it: https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-survival-law-enforcement-officers/dp/0971725403
You can read it in one weekend
As others have said, communication is key.
In addition, there are resources out there to help. He may not be receptive to this, but there are resources out there to help him deal with the stress of the job. One that was recommended to me (which I cannot personally endorse, as I haven't read it) is "Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement: A guide for officers and their families". (http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-survival-law-enforcement-officers/dp/0971725403)
There are many similar resources out there, both for you and him. In the end though, it comes down to how receptive he is, which is where the communication really needs to take place.
I'm not a police officer, but I've always heard that Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement is almost a must-have.
http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-survival-law-enforcement-officers/dp/0971725403
Nearly every PD has an EAP (employee assistance program) of some sort, an anonymous number they can contact in order to talk about the issues they may be having.
Many PD's have groups that meet, shooter groups, loss groups, etc.
I have posted it before and I will again each time because it is that good.
Emotional Survival For Law Enforcement is an awesome book. I bought a dozen copies over the last two years to give out to coworkers, new recruits, family members and those who just have issues dealing with stress. The book really explains a lot and what it does not explain it touches on enough that you can do the research for the answers on your own.
Education and understanding are the #1 ways to fight against mental issues, stress and depression specifically, that come from the job.
I have seen a lot, done a lot and been exposed to so many horrible things that I have no doubt if I had not read and educated myself on this topic beforehand I would have issues.
Saying you have a problem is not a sign of weakness, crying is not a sign of weakness. Last time my PD lost an officer I cried like a little girl, no shame in it, we are all human.
Yeah I would push for the country home, that being said
> he admits that's he's not rational about this
You should buy emotional survival for law enforcement and read it together. He's showing hyper vigilance.
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-survival-law-enforcement-officers/dp/0971725403
Seriously grab it. Read it and find the parts about hyper vigilance and ptsd. show it to him. get him to talk to someone. It is imperative if he wants to stay in this career that he balance this out.
Emotional survival for law enforcement: A guide for officers and their families https://www.amazon.com/dp/0971725403/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_gdJ6Cb2V38NHD
Leo wife here! We have a sub that I can send over to you. It's not very active but it's good for support when you need it. If you're in my state, I'll send you a link to our group (where they will verify you).
So here's the thing, academy is fucking awful and so is your FTO period (ours was about 12 months but they recently upped it to 18 months). One thing I HIGHLY suggest is purchasing this book. It will help you understand what is happening to him and how to not fall into the situation you described. Depending on your department, your guy will have to swap shifts a few times so you'll be thrown upside down a few times over the next two years. There's benefits and cons to each one.
My advice for now? Just survive. Do what you can to keep your lives together but get through it with as little resentment as you can. It'll be over and once he's on his own, it will be so much better because he's not having to follow the exact process of whomever is educating him ex: one trainer expected you to be out of the car before him but wouldn't tell you that. Another wouldn't let Dude use the online system the entire 10 weeks because sometimes it went offline, which has happened twice in the last few years. There will be times he will want to quit and you will have (if you've agreed to do so) to keep him invested and going. There is a high rate of divorce in our community but I've also seen a lot of really successful relationships too. It's all about making yourselves come together as a family and not losing sight of it or prioritizing it lower. The ones I see splitting are the ones spitting, "she knew what she got into. This job is my life! She has to work around ME forever." Nah. This is a one way ticket to trouble. There's gotta be respect.
For holidays and events, do them on his off day. Don't start living totally separate lives. It's so easy to do and sometimes you will just have to go to events anyway but make sure you can get him to some of them. Keep as many non first responder friends as you can. Nobody will get your situation like other LEO families but it can be easy for them all to start getting negative about work or becoming an echo chamber. My husband's personality has changed and he has become more rigid because he sees so many awful things. Having "regular" friends reminds him that WoW, metal concerts, family dinners, soccer - they're all still part of who he is.
There are things you can't drive yourself crazy about and that's women who specifically creep on guys with a badge, females on shift either on his beat or dispatch, where he is at all times, mandatory overtime (it'll happen, and I tell people we will arrive an hour late to an event just in case), and sometimes when he needs space. Too much space is bad but it's shit like, today my husband had to (TW GORE/MISCARRIAGE) dig through a shopping bag of human tissue because homeless woman miscarried in a stairwell. And that's not even the worst or weirdest thing he's seen this month. You will have to decide as a team if you want to talk about that stuff or not (we do). Some wives also pretend there isn't a real threat to life (yet two guys almost got killed on shift in the last 2 months) and some pretend every call is going to be the end (though statistically chances are small and Dude went a very long time before he ever had to pull any weapon on anyone). You'll have to find a balance. We did talk about what happens if he is injured or killed in action and what our expectations were.
Anyway. I could go on forever. Feel free to PM me anytime though!
Emotional Survival For Law Enforcement is a book that deals with this exact issue, and even describes it the exact same way as you do.
It's well worth reading, if you're a cop, or just in a relationship with one.
This one.
There is a slippery slope between a drink to get through a really hard day, then a drink to get through a sort of hard day, and then a drink to get through every day.
I don't mean to sound alarmist about it but there is a reason alcoholism tends to run in the industry. If its just a bad day, walk it off, move on. If its more, please consider speaking to someone and getting support.
Also, I always recommend Gilmartin's Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement even though its meant for officers' it applies to first responders in general.
No problem. Also, this is the book some of us mentioned. It's an important read for officers and their spouses.
I haven’t read it yet, but I’ve been recommended this book and have heard really good things about it.
Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement by Kevin M. Gilmartin, Ph.D.
These books have helped me tremendously through the hiring process so far. I took recommendations from friends and acquaintances in law enforcement and from searching through previous threads on this subreddit.
On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society https://www.amazon.com/dp/0316040932/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_GNK.ybMTBZKVX
Emotional survival for law enforcement: A guide for officers and their families https://www.amazon.com/dp/0971725403/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_EOK.ybR4XSKZY
Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion, Updated Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062107704/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_EQK.yb1MWMEPV
This book is a must read
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-survival-law-enforcement-officers/dp/0971725403
Good book for dealing with a cop's life and stress is
http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-survival-law-enforcement-officers/dp/0971725403
It is also good to give to significant others or family to help them realize what you may going through.
I'll give the somewhat standard reading list (Standard as in these are the ones that come up the most)
Calibre Press Trilogy Street Survival, The Tactical Edge, and Tactics for Criminal Patrol. I'd be willing to bet someone on the department already owns them or even your department itself has them.
On Combat by Lt. Col. Dave Grossman
On Killing by Lt. Col. Dave Grossman
Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement
That ends the standard reading list, then I recommend this as well
Me Talk Pretty One Day-David Sedaris Because he is hilarious, and has nothing to do with police work in any way shape or form.
Emotional survival for law enforcement: A guide for officers and their families https://www.amazon.com/dp/0971725403/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_YCYyCbBVD98YT
You guys who shell up when off work might want to take a look at this: Emotional survival for law enforcement
Its pricey but a good read.
Switching on and off the hyper-vigilance required for his job can be exhausting. Sometimes Officers get caught in a routine of not talking about their problems. I suggest you read Gilmartin's "Emotional Guide for Law Enforcement". The book is spot on about what officers go through. I would encourage you to have your boyfriend read it too. He will feel like Gilmartin has been following him around and is writing about exactly what he goes through. Read it! It saves lives. Amazon link
It's a tough job. You will need to learn to take care of yourself. The culture is not going to encourage taking care of yourself. You need to find a way to do it anyway. Shower beers after work are a real thing with first-responders, just trying to cope with the transition back to your family each evening.
You're going to see some things you'll never be able to get out of your mind, and then you're going to go home to your family after your shift and pretend everything is okay. That's not for everyone. You'll need a partner both in the force and another one out of the force who you can count on.
Also - read this book: https://smile.amazon.com/dp/0971725403/
It's not enough and it never will be...Our patients demand perfection and in many ways deserve it, but that's not reality. Reality is that we are imperfect persons working in an imperfect system, making choices with imperfect information, all in the hope that we are healing/helping imperfect patients. You must draw a line between your work and your life otherwise the negativity and toxicity of the work will taint the rest of your life. Unfortunately there aren't any books that talk about managing the emotional stress you will be exposed to in healthcare. I've found that books about dealing with the stress of law enforcement are a good analog.
I recommend:
Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement: A guide for officers and their families
and
Warrior Mindset: Mental Toughness Skills for a Nation's Peacekeepers
Best wishes; hope you find the strength and balance you're looking for.
No book will prepare you for law enforcement, it has to be touched, smelled, heard, and seen. If you're already a cop then the best thing you can do to be better is to be a well rounded human being and books can help with that.
Here's the recommended reading from some of the prior threads I was able to find in the sub.
I've read a good portion of the above listed. I highly recommend Emotional Survival and going to see one of Gilmartin's talks if he's in your area. Below are a few of my personal suggestions.
Wow, I tried Amazon.com and the cheapest copy I found was over $30 for a used paperback. :(
Edit: Found a link to it at Amazon where it is only $20 and ordered it. Thanks again. http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/0971725403?ie=UTF8&condition=new&seller=AQYA5H2T7CWRJ
LEO spouse here.
My advice to you: read " emotional survival for law enforcement." Get a good understanding of hypervigilance. Understand that even when he's off duty he'll still be eagle eyed and spot things you wouldn't have noticed. Get used to sitting with your back facing the room when you go out to eat. Also, you may have to stop eating at your favourite pub because he's arrested half the kitchen staff.
When my spouse was on shift (he's a detective now), he enjoyed bringing in my cooking and his shift reported enjoying eating it. Give him some time to get settled into his shift and become more familiar with the force's operating procedures and his shift mates.
You can't go wrong with communication and that may be hard for him. There are going to be times where he doesn't want to, or he simply can't talk about what happened on shift. Also, it isn't your responsibility to carry the burden of those things and he probably won't want to unburden himself to you. Seriously though, reading the book can help a lot.
http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-survival-law-enforcement-officers/dp/0971725403/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1421116153&sr=8-1&keywords=Emotional+intelligence+for+law+enforcement
My spouse says that is is important for him to maintain friendships outside of law enforcement. That gets more and more difficult as he becomes immersed in the "brotherhood." He won't work the same hours as other people and it might be difficult to schedule those social times. But those the importance of those friendships is that they remind him that he is not just a cop. If you don't work to maintain those friendships, pretty soon you'll find that the only friends you have are other LEO's and their spouses. While the LEO family ( and trust me, it will be your family) is great, it doesn't give your spouse a chance to put 'put down his badge.' He needs that kind of break for his own well being and your's too.
If you haven't, read Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement. You can read it in just a few hours. I don't believe it is absolute gospel, but it is a good starting point.
http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-survival-law-enforcement-officers/dp/0971725403
If your dept. has an employee assistance program, speak to them.
Sorry for the cut and paste below. I typed it in response to another person's question regarding the same issue, but that person deleted their post before I could post my reply:
**
There are many officers who get it right the first time, and put in the hard work to get through a marriage. I know know all three of them (joke).
There is a slightly higher prevalence of divorce statistically among officers. IIRC it's even higher among correctional officers. I'm now happily married, and I don't forsee that changing.
I think your desire to stay married has a far greater impact on your divorce potential than does a career in law enforcement. If you read through my response earlier, it certainly wasn't my ex-wife's fault that I changed. Does your current wife support you having a law enforcement career? Are you open with her about the very real changes that can occur in you?
Read and have her read Emotional Survival in Law Enforcement. I found it to be an excellent help, and addresses some of the psychological issues at hand.
>My LEO lives to work, and he's drinking away his anxieties.
This is bad. You have to have outside activities and step away from the job from time to time. This is a great book that helped me get through some rough times. I highly recommend it to all officers:
http://emotionalsurvival.com/
You can also buy it on Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/0971725403/ref=dp_olp_all_mbc?ie=UTF8&condition=all
Just search it on Amazon.. Should be there.
Edit: here's the link on Canadian Amazon:
https://www.amazon.ca/Emotional-Survival-Law-Enforcement-Officers/dp/0971725403
Read this
You both may want to give this a read, it doesn't specifically address the problem you're facing now, but does address some that may come up later.
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-survival-law-enforcement-officers/dp/0971725403