Reddit reviews Empty Cradle, Broken Heart, Revised Edition: Surviving the Death of Your Baby

The mother most likely had a very real connection: depending on how far along she was, she may have felt the baby, and even if not there are plenty of changes going on hormonally that say "hey, something's going on in here". It's a sad reality, but especially for the parents it's hard because of this idea a lot of people have that a stillborn wasn't "a real baby", when to them it was just as real and painful as losing any child. People make plans, pick names, paint rooms. They change their lives for a child that will now never have a birthday, never go on family vacations, never even cry or laugh or walk. All those future possibilities are snuffed out, and it hurts doubly so if they feel somehow "wrong" in their grief. So I suggest you reach for that empathy, and if you can't then just be as supportive as you can.

I also highly recommend the book "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart". We only had 6 days with our oldest (trisomy-18, undetected until she was born at 29 weeks), and it really helped my wife and I. Even so, just like any major loss, it'll never just go away. There will be good times and bad, but it's not like they are going to be over it. One of the hard things for us sometimes is watching our daughter Leah hit milestones our Amelia never will. You may not feel it at all, but you may if they have another, or you have your own. And if you don't, you aren't a monster, any more than they are wrong for feeling sad. There is no real right or wrong way to grieve a loss.

I am so sorry for you loss. I lost my oldest six days after birth to a genetic disorder we didn't know she had until just before she died. No parent should ever have to feel this kind of pain. If you ever need to talk about it, please PM me any time. I know this doesn't mean much coming from a stranger, but you will survive this. I know it may not always feel that way, but I promise you it is possible.

A friend got me this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Empty-Cradle-Broken-Revised-Edition/dp/1555913024

At first, I didn't want to read it because it hurt so much, but once I did it really helped me. It helped my husband too.

Again, I am so very sorry for you loss.

hugs I am sorry for your loss.

While I can't say that I've been there, I will say that my best friend has, and we've talked about it for many, many hours. One of the things that helped her most was getting involved in a support group at her hospital with other moms that had also lost babies. She got really involved in March of Dimes, which seemed to give her a lot of her determination and focus back. She also read a book called Empty Cradle, Broken Heart, which she says really helped both her, her husband, and their marriage make it through the loss and become a lot stronger.

I have an email that she wrote me when I was helping another person I know through the loss of his baby, I'd be happy to PM it to you if you'd like.

EDIT: To add that she would be happy to talk/email you, herself, if you'd like. Please don't hesitate to let me know.

She is currently working on her Masters in Social Work so that she can work towards raising awareness about miscarriages and helping other families who have experienced them. She was inspired to do this when the OBGYN nurses who helped her with hers weren't even aware of the support group help every other week in that very hospital.

She is such an inspiration to me! I love having women in my life like her.

Carly Marie Dudley is a photographer, grieving mother, and pregnancy and infant loss advocate. She is currently hosting a photo journalistic healing project called Capture Your Grief. Each day in October is a different subject to photograph and caption (today is Identity). Even if you're not up to participating yourself (it's a bit much for me right now, with our son's birthday in Oct and our daughter's arrival imminent) it can be helpful to see how other parents are handling and sharing their grief.

Still Standing is an online magazine whose contributors are grieving everything from infertility to child loss. We've found it helps a lot when we see our own feelings expressed by others, we--and you--are not alone.

Our hospital gave us some pamphlets and books about stillbirth and grief, but most were fairly mother-centric. My husband found this book by Tim Nelson and found it helpful to read another father's perspective. I also found it helped me to understand what my husband was feeling and how it differed from my grief.

Some other notable books: When Hello Means Goodbye, They Were Still Born, Still to be Born, and Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. Some of these were in the packet our hospital gave us and some we found later.

Return to Zero is an indie film based on Sean Hanish's and his wife's stillbirth experience.

The Still Project

That's a good starting point, I don't want to overwhelm you.

I remember feeling so torn just after our son's death. We'd always wanted a houseful of kids, but in the moment I couldn't imagine taking the next step and growing our family. It took a while to get over the horrible thought that I was trying to replace him. Even though that was never my intention, it still felt wrong. But, at some point, we realized we were ready to try for another baby.

Pregnancy after loss has been a strange, scary, and exciting experience. Fortunately, it's been an easy pregnancy thus far, but even without miserable symptoms, we're both hyper-aware that things can and do go wrong. I have to keep reminding myself that things are going well, and if I spend all my time worrying about what could happen, I won't really be enjoying the time I do have with her.

It took a while for us to be open about this pregnancy to strangers and acquaintances, because we were afraid of the question "Is this your first?" It's an innocent question that people are excited to ask but so very hard to answer.

I think the hardest thing for me is wondering what our son would think about having a little sister. Would he be excited? Would he get jealous?

I would advise you to really experience your grief, as much as it hurts. Don't hide from it or put it off, because that can make it worse. I don't think it will ever go away (because you will always love your little girl) but it will become bearable. You will find the new normal.

It really helped me to read this book when I lost our son at 18.5 weeks. The women at the hospital actually gave me the book when I was released and I can't tell you how much it helped me. Ordinarily, I don't read self-help books and I didn't think that I would read this one. But I did, and it helped. It helped me to know that it was okay to see women pushing their babies and be jealous, and it was okay to feel sad to see little kids playing at the park, and it was okay to feel angry or left out when you see that other women have what you want. It's a normal, uncontrollable urge.

If yall can't afford the book or whatever, send me a PM and I'll gift you my copy. This book helped me to know that I was normal and these feelings were normal and it validated the way I processed our loss.

Please look after yourself & give yourself permission to feel all the things. That means letting go of poisonous friendships (or giving them some time off), letting yourself off if you don't want to do x,y,z. But also letting yourself feel joy where you can & not feel guilty about having some moments of joy.

I know everyone's experience is different but I found IF harder than baby loss in some ways. After 2.5 years IF we got pregnant with our son, but tragically lost him - Ben was stillborn at 30 weeks. It was the worst thing that has ever happened to us.

But, because people knew about Ben cause they knew we were pregnant, they also knew about our loss. Some of them were amazing & some weren't there for us. Some that were amazing were a surprise & we are so much closer now. Other people we've 'let go'.

We needed all of this & it really helped. But I think we also needed this in the dark days of IF. But no one was there. We couldn't/didn't talk about it. It felt so lonely.

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with both. I don't really know if any of this helps, but you are not alone. We're here for you.

We found this book helpful

Empty Cradle, Broken Heart : Surviving the Death of Your Baby https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1555913024/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_89rzybA1R5K5A

This might help http://amzn.com/1555913024

I read this book while I was home alone. It helped validate some of my feelings and keep the scarier ones at bay: https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1555913024/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1484573771&sr=8-2&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=empty+cradle+broken+heart&dpPl=1&dpID=41x6Cz1hVkL&ref=plSrch

Hi. I'm so sorry for your loss, but I'm glad you found this community. It's been invaluable to me, and I hope you find it healing as well.

In terms of healing materials, I cannot recommend the book Empty Cradle, Broken Heart enough. I read probably 4 books on loss after our TFMR in December and that one was by far the best one, and the one that's helped me the most on this crazy journey.

I also recommend going to therapy, if you can. Especially as the grief becomes less obvious, I've needed my therapist to continue to help me grieve the less in-your-face feelings that still need to be dealt with but can also easily (and unhealthily) be locked away.