Reddit reviews Fear and Trembling (Penguin Great Ideas)

While my situations were different, I've certainly felt similar to you. As you posed the question in r/christianity I'm guessing you want some advice from a fellow believer or direction from someone with a similar worldview. The best thing I've ever read on the subject was Fear and Trembling by Kiekegaard.
If you haven't read or aren't very familiar with philosophy, you needn't worry, the text quite beautifully paints what faith is for modern Christians, which is why I love the book so much. I'm unsure of what your denominational background is but nearly all church's I've been a part of seem to poorly teach faith. If you're interested here's an amazon link, assuming you're in the US

If you're skeptical, PM me your address, I'll send you copy.

Yeah, it's pretty good. Basically it is a meditation on the sacrifice of Isaac and Abraham's faith. The first half is very good. You can buy a good edition here and I'm sure the penguin classics edition is good as well. Both have the same number of pages so it is safe to say, if you get one, read at least to page 61.