Reddit reviews For Couples Only: Eyeopening Insights about How the Opposite Sex Thinks

This is a long post, so I'm putting this up front; if you read nothing else I've said, read this: Not talking about this with him is the wrong response. You absolutely must talk to him about this. Clear communication is crucial to a healthy marriage, much less a good sexual relationship.

Now, from what you say, there are probably issues for both of you here. I can't talk too much about his motivations, because we haven't heard from him, only from you--but I'll make an effort from my perspective as a husband in a moment.

First, let's take a quick look at what you've said: you find sex with your husband tedious and dirty. "Dirty" is a problem--a significant one--because marital sex is anything but dirty. To live chastely within marriage is to have marital sex. Marital sex is a reflection of Christ's love for the Church, and the love within the Godhead. It's a sacramental act of unity and life. You absolutely must abandon this notion that sex with your husband is dirty, but it won't be easy. Labeling sex as "dirty" is an easy way we repel our sexual desire when embracing it is sinful (e.g., as teenagers and when we're engaged). Forget that label. Sex isn't dirty. Extramarital sex is sinful; sex within marriage is a gift from God to express love and intimacy with our entire selves (body and soul).

The tedium of sex may be tied to several different issues. I do want to ask about the frequency of your intercourse: from what you say, it sounds like you're having sex regularly (daily a few months ago, several times per week now). Does that mean that you are not practicing NFP and periodic abstinence? Are you instead trying to have children now, or are you using artificial contraceptives?

I ask because artificial contraceptives, aside from being sinful, are known to have detrimental side effects in your sex life. Condoms reduce sensation for both parties. Hormonal contraceptives reduce your sex drive and (based on studies in other primates) may reduce your natural desirability to your mate. If this is the situation, it could contribute to his disinterest and your boredom.

Are you experiencing painful intercourse? My wife struggled with intercourse for our first year of marriage because she had conditions called vaginismus and vestibulodynia, which caused the whole experience to be excruciating rather than pleasant. We made a joint, sincere effort using multiple methods to reduce those conditions and improve her experience for months before we saw any real progress. That can be another factor.

What is your general attitude toward sex? Have you ever found it remotely pleasurable? If not, have you spoken to your husband about your experience in the bedroom? Or are you treating sex like a solemn duty you must perform so that he feels fulfilled? The entire process of human marital sex is for both husband and wife to enjoy it. In a technical sense, neither one of you "must" enjoy it in order for the other to do so, but it is more enjoyable for both of you if you both enjoy it. If you have ever felt pleasure during intercourse, talk to your husband about that--ask him to pursue that before satisfying himself. Satisfying him sexually is easy; satisfying you sexually probably takes a little work, and that should be a worthwhile pursuit.

Now, on to him for a moment. My guess is that he loves you. If he was unchaste before dating you, then he didn't marry you just to have sex with you (because he didn't have to get married to have sex); from what you have said, he remained chaste while dating you and engaged to you, too. Which means he does love you, but he may not know quite what that means (or should mean). Again, talk to him about his actions, about how you feel, about how he feels. Talk to him about your marriage, about your future together.

On the pornography: it almost definitely predates your marriage and your relationship and is absolutely never your fault. That's on him. You didn't hold a gun to his head and force him to do it, and even if you had, he still shouldn't have done it. Never blame yourself for this. I know that's difficult to accept, but it's the truth. He, and only he, is responsible for his sins. If you're the coldest wife in the world who refuses sex for twenty years straight, watching pornography and masturbating would still be his sins.

The most important thing here is for both of you to come to a real, clear understanding of what married life within the Church is. You need to read about the Theology of the Body. Here is a short, relatively easy book on the subject. Here is the longer book behind that book. Here is a tome with the religious and philosophical underpinnings of it all. Here is a short video and here is a long one. Others will hopefully post other resources (podcasts, videos, books, etc.). This is critical. It sounds like you and your husband both are lacking important information about how marriage works in the Catholic Church.

The second most important thing is for you to improve your communication with your husband. Here is a box set of short books that can help with that (these significantly improved communication between my wife and I). I've also seen these at a local library.

Your husband needs to commit to improving your marriage as much as you do. You must talk to him as soon as possible. Don't put it off. He should know that something is wrong, especially if he's choosing pornography over you.

More details will enable us to help you more, but nothing will help as much as clear communication with your husband and a dedication to building the best marriage possible.

For Couples Only: Eyeopening Insights about How the Opposite Sex Thinks https://www.amazon.com/dp/1601422482/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_EKaRCb6MB2VQS

For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women https://www.amazon.com/dp/1590525728/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_cLaRCbGR5S6BY


For Women Only, Revised and Updated Edition: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/1601424442/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_.OaRCbY9XF1HD


The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0013A0B4Q/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_QPaRCbFGGBDA7

The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage https://www.amazon.com/dp/0061142840/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_5PaRCb9TSAB0K

How do you think he would respond if you suggested marriage counselling to deal with his feelings of betrayal and to figure out how the two of you can move past that.

Maybe a book on understanding how men and women think differently would help https://www.amazon.ca/Couples-Only-Eyeopening-Insights-Opposite/dp/1601422482/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1536422120&sr=1-1&keywords=For+couples+only

I am also a newlywed and this seems extremely odd.

If she is willing to read books about relationships then I have a couple for you.
http://www.amazon.com/For-Couples-Only-Eyeopening-Insights/dp/1601422482 This set of books "For Couples Only" is also known as a 2 book set "For Men Only" and "For Women Only"

These books have a lot of great information but they mostly explain how men and women view romance differently. For men love and respect are directly tied. However for women love and respect are different.

Another great book is http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Begins-Kitchen-Creating-Intimacy/dp/0800731174/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1408654197&sr=1-1&keywords=sex+starts+in+the+kitchen

This book at a glance looks like a steamy sex book but it isn't exactly what you think. This books basically talks about for men and women both a sexual relationship is more then just actually having sex. It talks about how all your actions will effect your sex life.

There is a famous saying "Women need to feel loved to make love and men need to make love to feel loved" I don't think she may understand that you are not feeling loved.

The true secret to a great relationship is this. Love isn't necessarily always about lifting the person up but its about not tearing a person down. Her actions are tearing you down.

If you want more advice feel free to PM me.