Reddit reviews Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition

I have, and handled it quite poorly for more than a year by just assuming that sufficient insight would make me happy and able to handle everything in the relationship. I think the resistance was pretty justified since I was really emotionally withdrawing and we weren't communicating effectively.

There have been a few different threads on this(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and this is what I've commented previously:

> If you can, I'd suggest trying as hard as you can to not fall into the dynamic of "distancing yourself while counting on meditation to make it easy to eventually bridge the gap." It's definitely true that meditation and progress in insight will eventually help you work through and untangle the issues where you feel distance in your relationships currently -- but in the meantime, that distancing can snowball into much larger issues for your relationships, and with today's goodwill being even more eroded by months of distance. We’d already been distant, and then I allowed that dynamic to go on for about a year while I pursued meditation as the sole solution, and it’s been a long hard road back for both of us. I really wish in retrospect that I'd tried hard to thoughtfully pursue more conventional fixes at the same time as working on the path -- stuff like:
>
> - Setting thoughtful and reasonable boundaries.
> - Seeing an individual therapist.
> - Reading up on attachment theory and trying to figure out how it was playing out in my relationships.
> - Working on more consistently articulating all my different feelings, and getting better at being able to communicate them to others without making those feelings their fault. This is especially important with seemingly contradictory feelings, since sometimes articulating them allows for a mutually acceptible compromise rather than one feeling having to be repressed.
> - If this includes distance in a romantic relationship, then I wish I'd read Wired For Love and Getting the Love You Want much earlier, potentially along with looking into couples therapy.
> - All the stuff around getting exercise, sleep, seeing friends, etc. can really help too.
> - Working with a meditation teacher with experience at integrating life and practice.
>
> Whether you stay or go, there’s a ton of opportunity to use relationship conflict to really grow your self-knowledge and empathy with others. You can also make a lot of progress on the path by acknowledging your conflicting feelings and needs. I’ve felt like the last year of working through stuff left me with a decreased desire for any specific thing, but with a strong commitment to making space for different parts of me to stay in dialogue.

I think the right way to handle it is definitely contextual. Sometimes significant others react like this when a partner is distancing themself, not seeing friends, dropping old activities, not communicating, not taking responsibility for household stuff, etc. The proper response to that is going to involve some degree of refocusing energy towards conventional life or deciding that you want to end the relationship and deepen your practice. On the other hand, sometimes people just become completely allergic to their partner's interest in meditation even when everything else is going right. That's where maintaining your boundaries and recognizing that you're not responsible for all your partner's emotions becomes helpful. So I'd say that it really depends on stuff like exactly how much you're practicing, what the state of the relationship was like before you started practicing, what their specific complaints are, how career/work is going, whether you're exercising and seeing friends, whether you have a good support network, etc.

I know that self-help books are hit or miss, at best, but I’ve been going through my own relationship struggles. While reading about attachment styles & boundary creation here on Reddit, the list below are some of the books (on Amazon) that kept popping up in Reddit discussions. Haven’t read them yet, but I did order them, & they’re supposedly arriving today - I can update w/ my thoughts & feedback, if anyone is interested.

Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0805087001/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_7gE4BbB2R5DZY



Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_giE4BbJ3RKFRN




Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553386395/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_VhE4BbQ84219T


Another name that I’ve seen referenced a bunch here on Reddit is Mark Manson - he has a ”Guide to Strong Boundaries,” which I’ve also included a link to below

https://www.google.com/amp/s/markmanson.net/boundaries/amp

Mark Manson is famous for this book, amongst others

*The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life**

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062457713/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_mrE4BbHBCFCS6


Dunno if this may help, but I do know that learning about one’s own attachment style, love language, etc can at least be a great start to a better relationship with yourself. As for the relationship with one’s partner? Boundaries! Boundaries are crucial.

...man, do I suck at boundaries!

Very good article.

Part of it echoed what a book I have "Getting the Love You Want" had to say. Very interesting that our experiences in childhood cause us to select a similar type of partner.

I recommend looking up a Gottman Institute trained therapist.

https://www.gottman.com/couples/private-therapy/

If you can't afford a therapist, the next best recommendation I've got is reading the book "Getting the Love You Want" with your partner, and working on the companion workbook together.

https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1486190971&sr=8-1&keywords=getting+the+love+you+want

https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Workbook/dp/0743483677/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_2?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0743483677&pd_rd_r=GX0H9DX9YAZV3JX13G4R&pd_rd_w=YKmdS&pd_rd_wg=sUjob&psc=1&refRID=GX0H9DX9YAZV3JX13G4R

Be patient with yourself, and him, but don't be afraid to set limits and boundaries, either. Dunno where you are at in the pregnancy, but it's okay to say, "I need to know about X by week 12 so that I can make decisions," or whatever.

How you guys communicate with each other is really important, too; I'd recommend looking up some books that are about communicating. This one is online and is the same clinic my husband I went through therapy with a few years ago, and we still use the techniques:
http://www.slideshare.net/24lindsey/microsoft-word-your-partner-maledoc

I'd also recommend this book - my husband and I worked through this one also on our own. It has some background info that can help you understand your partner and also offers specific exercises you guys can do together (or just you) that will help you figure out your goals. Fair warning though, there is some religious talk in this one; I was able to ignore it since I'm not religious, but if you aren't, you may want to find a different one.
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001

I'm reading "Getting the love you want" and it's changed the way I look at relationships and why we choose the people we choose. I can't recommend it enough: https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001

​

Also, The Book of Life by The School of Life is an amazing resource for understanding yourself and others. This website changed my life: https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/category/relationships/?index

​

Best of luck to all of you!

It doesn't just get better, it actually gets really good if you do the work that this experience requires survivors to do. My tip, use this time of grief to learn everything about the nature of what you experienced, and the way your abusive upbringing primed you to be food for borderlines and cluster Bs. Often, your sense of what is "normal" and "familiar" depends a lot on what you subconsciously normalized while growing up, even if your functional parent, your dad, took over at a later stage. The fact that you were able to send your abusers to f*ck off means that you have fire in your belly, and you should not waste it.

For the repetition compulsion of childhood abuse, and how to stop it, I suggest you to read the book "Getting the love you want" by Hendrix:

https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001

Technically it is a guide for couples in crisis, but it contains enlightening infos on the chemistry that brings people together, and why it is so dangerous, if you come from a history of childhood abuse.

Maybe try this with guys?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKUvKE3bQlY

;)

EDIT: On a serious note, maybe do a little therapy to figure out what part of you is satisfied with being in a relationship with douchey guys.

You could read this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001

I found it fascinating because it gave me a lot of insight into why I was with who I was with.

Good luck.

Neat, thanks for the link.

I agree with you re: the negativity. I'm coming to it from a different perspective, being that I'm starting a relationship with a survivor after coming out of the dead bedroom. I empathize with your finding regarding your own personal issues -- I'll confess to my fear that I may not be solid enough to be a competent partner to a sexual abuse survivor yet, either.

Allies in Healing felt .. several levels too basic for me? Like, some of the advice was at the "believe her", and "don't blame her" levels, which were ridiculous from my perspective. I can see why the author had to include them, but, I was really looking for something a little deeper.

I got a lot more out of The Courage to Heal - not just the chapter on the partner, but over the whole of the book.

Did you read the Harville Hendrix book Getting the Love You Want? .. I'm wondering if the Imago technique described there would help or hurt with a survivor.

I'll take your advice and read Coming Home to Passion.

And, yeah, a support group would really be helpful, even from a knowing "what not to do" perspective.

I find he's a bit simplistic, this is better in my opinion.

I'm not sure what type of at risk you're talking but...

Really good around indigenous addictions issues

https://www.amazon.ca/Firewater-Alcohol-Killing-People-Yours/dp/0889774374

Addictions and poverty!

https://www.amazon.ca/Realm-Hungry-Ghosts-Encounters-Addiction/dp/0676977413/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1487733189&sr=8-2&keywords=gabor+mate

Existential psychotherapy and death! (Finding this one really helpful currently, never know when someone with a terminal illness is going to pop up)

https://www.amazon.ca/Staring-Sun-Overcoming-Terror-Death/dp/0470401818/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1487733346&sr=1-1&keywords=overcoming+the+terror+of+death

Really silly title. But if you can get past that... The first half explains an incredible theoretical framework for explaining that ridiculous thing that happens to brains during the first six months of relationships and why we constantly choose the wrong partners. I reference the ideas from this book constantly, totally invaluable.

https://www.amazon.ca/Getting-Love-Want-20th-Anniversary/dp/0805087001/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1487733422&sr=8-1&keywords=getting+the+love+you+want

Harville Hendrix, "Getting the Love You Want"
https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1466184013&sr=1-1&keywords=getting+the+love+you+want

I recommend reading The Truth by u/iamneilstrauss https://www.amazon.com/Truth-Uncomfortable-Book-About-Relationships/dp/0060898763

Even better, if you're really looking for love, check out Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix: https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001

You're welcome!

I get where you are coming from. Wonderful relationships can be a huge trigger for our childhood stuff. I, too, had a narcissistic mother and an absent father. It's taken 3 years of solid work in AA, CoDA, therapy, self help books, etc. But I'm finally starting to make some real progress. However this book had the greatest impact on me.

https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001/ref=pd_sbs_14_t_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=XMEMRGD63ZJBFWN5Z50F

It really explained a LOT of my feelings and behaviors and also outlined some really good solutions. I also did a lot of work around core beliefs and read a lot of Brene Brown's work on shame.

Either way, this is some internal work you have to do. BUT! Good news is, you CAN get through it. PM me if you want to chat more.

You're both aware she has deeply seated abandonment issues, and as a consequence, to protect herself, she pushes people away.

If you want to make this work, you'l need to do all the dancing around her unwillingness/inability to compromise.

Therapy is a really good idea, and I'd start with this book: http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001

Not trying to be uncaring here, but what are the chances you and your ex look at working it out? It sounds like she's broken and with luck maybe you can help.

Getting the Love you Want is a really amazing book.