Reddit reviews Guide To Getting It On: Unzipped

Hey, thanks for being open about this. I’ve been in your shoes to some extent and understand the struggles.

The first thing I want to say is that, as others have pointed out here, you don’t have to be sexual if you don’t want to; our culture (the media we consume, the jokes we tell, the way our education system is structured, etc.) assumes that male-bodied and male-identified people must be aggressively sexual (this is an aspect of toxic masculinity).

That being said, it sounds like having sex and being sexual is something you’re interested in. And that’s great!

First, having a good therapist is extremely helpful. Sadly, thanks to our political-economic system, therapy has become a luxury that many of us can’t afford. You said in your post that you have a therapist, and that’s fantastic that you have that resource. I found that having a therapist with a background in sex therapy and sex education was particularly helpful; if your therapist doesn’t have that background, and you can afford it, I’d recommend reaching out to the Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health – they have excellent therapists and frequently do therapy via online video chat, and have a sliding scale. Another option would be a somatic therapist, such as Elizabeth McGrath in Los Angeles (I’ve met and taken classes with her, and I’d recommend her if this is something you might be interested in); they use body-centred techniques to help their clients heal from trauma and get back in touch with and learn about their own bodies.

Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, is education. Speaking for myself, learning about my own body and how others’ bodies work and how sex works has been the most important part of my journey, to the point that I’m planning on becoming a sex educator myself. We tend to treat sex as some arcane, secret thing that nobody is supposed to understand, and people who do are treated with suspicion, like witches, because they are delving into Things That Man Was Not Meant To Know. This is bullshit; as a friend of mine puts it, “Sex Isn’t Special (But Culture Makes It So).”

There are a number of ways to get the education you need but wasn’t given to you by our puritanical, patriarchal school system. One way is by taking classes – if you live near Boston or San Francisco, go to your local Good Vibrations store and get a list of the classes they’re running; if you don’t live near a Good Vibes, check out local feminist sex stores or sex-positive organisations like the CSPH I mentioned above, they usually have classes and workshops running for various kinds. For example, at the Good Vibrations in Boston I attended workshops on:

• Casual sex

• “How to Drive a Vulva”

• Blow jobs

• Pegging

• How to pick a good lubricant

• Having sex after cancer

• Intimacy for survivors of abuse

• Polyamory 101

And many more. The biggest thing that these events did for me is that they demystified sex and gave me a language for talking about it with partners. It helped me learn what I didn’t know and gave me a thirst for learning more.

There are also a large number of educators on YouTube that do sex education videos. The biggest is Dr. Lindey Doe’s Sexplanations channel, but there are many others; because I’m a queer trans person and almost all my partners are trans as well, I follow a number of queer people who do videos for queer and trans persons, including Stevie Boebi, UppercaseChase, and Ash Hardell.

The other big thing that can help is good books on the subject. There are two that I would say you absolutely should pick up as hands-down the best books for learning about bodies and sex. First, [The Guide to Getting it On, by Paul Joannides](https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Getting-Paul-Joannides-Psy-D/dp/1885535171/), and second [Sex is Fun!, by Kidder Kaper](https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Fun-Creative-Ideas-Exciting-ebook/dp/B00WDP7ZAI/). They both cover everything you could want or need to know, have resources for learning more, and they have lots of great illustrations. Another fantastic resource (which I’ve used on several first dates, including with my current primary partner) is [100 Questions About Sex](https://www.amazon.com/100-Questions-about-SEX-Conversation/dp/1452117373/), which can be great for talking with a partner about each other’s desires or for thinking over for yourself.

I hope you find this helpful!

For context, I’m non-binary (assigned male at birth and generally masculine of centre in presentation), pansexual, and I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome at the age of 12. I was raised in a very conservative home and grew up with a highly distorted understanding of sexuality and was involved in some really bad relationships growing up, and I didn’t have sexual intercourse until I was 27. Since then I’ve had romantic and sexual relationships of many kinds with many different people, and it’s been a wonderful journey in learning about myself, my desires, and how to relate to others in a healthy, upbuilding way.

You sound as though you're ready to start exploring a sexual relationship with someone you like. You sound like you're scared that things that happened in the past will get in the way. Let me be real about this, they might. But, there are things that you can do.

First off, communicate, communicate, communicate. If you're having sex with someone, you are baring all to them, it follows that there should be nothing you can't say to this person. If you say "I don't like that", they should stop and ask you why, or ask what else they should try, or ask if you want to keep going, they should care about assessing your needs, desires, and trying to make you happy- physically and emotionally, in terms of safety and consent. If you say "I was raped, and I want to talk about it." they should follow your lead and be kind, understanding, and tender with your feelings. They should be 100% supportive and focus on helping you to feel safe.

After I was attacked, I had a lot of bad sex. I wasn't comfortable stating my own needs, or even just saying "stop" for a long time. I didn't really make the connection that sex stressed me out sometimes, or that I would ignore my needs and just "get on with it" like "taking one for the team". This is a bad idea. Pressing yourself to do things that you do not want to do can lead to difficult emotions, anxiety, or panic attacks. It's good to pay attention to what your body and mind are telling you, to periodically check in with yourself. Ask yourself 'Am I feeling spacey? (dissociating?)' 'Am I panicking?' 'What do I want to happen right now?' When difficult emotions come up, please speak to your therapist about them.

I would actually recommend studying safety practices used in BDSM. It helped me to "come back" to myself a bit in terms of sexual identity, and sometimes my partner and I still use it during even more "vanilla" sex sessions. I think that the stoplight system really helps, especially starting out, because depending on how you're feeling, it can help provide a firm sense of safety and make boundaries explicit. It's also simple to remember, which helps if you are dealing with high anxiety. Basically, you say "green light" or "go" or whatever word you and your partner choose when everything is good. When you're feeling good and you want to say "yes", that's a green light. "Yellow light" means "We need to slow down and talk a bit right now, there is something that needs addressing and if it isn't fixed, we are going to stop." I use this if I'm in pain, if there is something that brought up a bad memory, or if my emotions shift dramatically or bottom out unexpectedly (which, for me, can be a signal that I'm about to have a panic attack). "Red light" or just "stop" or whatever safeword you want to use and discuss with your partner beforehand signals "we need to stop right now". It's probably best to discuss what you want your partner to do when you use your red light. Do you want them to back away from you, and avoid touching you? Do you want them to hug you? It's also okay to ask them if they'll hold you, but I would recommend discussing it beforehand. Basically, by talking more before you act, you are mitigating the amount of surprises both of you need to deal with.

Keep in mind that it's not bad to use a "red light". It's not bad to use a "yellow light". It just means that there's a hurdle in your path, and that you're trying to clear it. It is actually really good to use them, because it means that you're accurately assessing your needs and setting your boundaries in a healthy, safe way. Some sessions I have used like 5 yellow lights, but we finally got there. Some sessions it's like... red light right away, because I realized I was in way over my head immediately.

Re: birth control, there are a lot of options. Personally I use condoms, just make sure you don't have a latex allergy (they make latex-free condoms). If you use condoms, educate yourself on how to use them correctly, and do not use a compromised condom. https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/condom/how-to-put-a-condom-on If you're wanting to go the hormonal or IUD route (it sounds like you're not), talk to your doctor about it, and consider talking to your therapist.

Also, this wasn't an issue for me before the attack, but afterwards I dealt with vaginismus. It can kind of sneak up on you if you're not expecting it. https://www.reddit.com/r/vaginismus/ I'm not saying it will happen to you or it's even likely, I just want you to be prepared for that eventuality, just in case.

Lastly, I know you're worried about "being good". But sex is an experience that you choose to share with another person. It's like dancing or having a conversation, it's not about "being the best at conversation". I know it can be really scary to talk about it... just like asking someone out can be scary. But the thing is, if that person isn't willing to meet you in the middle and be a giving, understanding partner, then they probably aren't going to help you have a good experience. It's okay to go after what you want. And, it's okay to expect people to meet your standards when it comes to relationships and sex. But, it's important to talk about all of these things with your partner or potential partner. Make sure you are on the same page with them, and that you both understand each other.

I'd also recommend cross posting this to https://www.reddit.com/r/traumatoolbox/ It's a bit quiet there, but the people are often well meaning and have tips that are helpful for dealing with aspects of recovery that commonly occur.

Best of luck. Please feel free to PM me if you have questions.

Edited to add: If you want to bone up on knowledge (sorry about the pun), I'd recommend this book. It's helped me a lot. https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Getting-Paul-Joannides-Psy-D/dp/1885535171/

The Guide to Getting It On
or an older edition if you want to save some money (this is the edition I have FWIW)

Hands down, the best book on sex I have ever read. It's detailed enough that you can pick up some good techniques to try out and it's broad enough to cover just about any topic you might be interested in.

Podcasts are also a great resource. I recommend Sex Out Loud with Tristan Taramino (who also produces sex-ed videos) and Sex Nerd Sandra (she doesn't have new episodes much anymore, but there's about 5 years worth of content to explore there). Also, Dan Savage is still a big name in sex and advice podcasts, but he's not for everyone (he has a tendency toward political rants). All three of these podcasts have really helped me come out of my sheltered Christian upbringing and learn to love sex.

this is a great amateur channel on pornhub. https://www.pornhub.com/model/bedgasm

as far as what makes good sex good- communicate with your partner. "does that feel good?" "can i do X?" etc etc. listen to and watch their reactions. you'll know if its good or not in the moment.

READ ABOUT SEX. from sex educators, not just erotica. i think thats what has helped me the most, just learn as much as you can about bodies, different things people like, different ways of having sex, emotions sex brings up, etc.

I read this book in college and it was FUCKING GREAT. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1885535171/ref=as_li_qf_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=lioness0e-20&creative=9325&linkCode=as2&creativeASIN=1885535171&linkId=2e4da25680db9359de9c8ec4b17f02c2

Thumbs up on The Guide to Getting It On! I bought my copy in the early oughts and it's fantastic. It's the book that people most often look at on my bookshelf and then gift them at the next opportunity.

Remember, everyone is born a virgin. We all have to learn at some point. Don’t be ashamed of your lack of experience.

As a basic sex manual, I highly recommend The Guide to Getting It On (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1885535171).

Do you masturbate, and do you know how to give yourself an orgasm? If not, or if you just want to get better, check out omgyes.com.

> ...I am super horny... I really really want to have sex.
This enthusiasm is way more important than having X amount of experience, or having done A, B and C.

I have one SB who’s way more experienced, in terms of her “number” and in terms of the variety of stuff she’s tried, than I am. I have another SB whose “number” is 2 and has had about the same kinds of experience as you. I find them both incredibly sexy.

Finally, anyone who tries to sneak attack your ass is wrong and very inconsiderate. Don’t put up with that shit. Any halfway empathic partner will ask beforehand and respect your boundaries. Don’t settle for less.

The Guide to Getting It On was a lifesaver for me (the "Unzipped" edition is just much more concise and a lot less money; you don't need anything the more bloated editions had). This book has the best, healthiest attitude towards sex I've ever encountered.

I have a thick book called 'guide to getting it on' probably like a thousand pages...recomended...

https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Getting-Paul-Joannides-Psy-D/dp/1885535171/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1538193533&sr=8-1&keywords=guide+to+getting+it+on#customerReviews