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36 Reddit comments about Healing the Shame that Binds You (Recovery Classics):

u/crazy_sjw_cuck · 17 pointsr/LifeProTips

If anyone wants some reading material on this topic, let me know. This kind of thing can be really hard to overcome and damaging to relationships.

Edit:

Hi people! I received a lot of responses about this. I feel bad for not responding earlier, but I was busy, and feeling guilty is part of my own thing that i need to work through. When people talk about this problem of “pleasing people,” what they are often really talking about is shame-bound systems. It might not be obvious at first, but ask yourself, what feelings would you experience if you weren’t trying to please others? What would it say about you if you were just trying to do what makes you happy? What feelings are you trying to get away from when you think about this? In addition to the books mentioned by /u/alpinejonny, I recommend the following:

More on the academic side:

Facing Shame, by Merle Fossum and Marilyn Mason

This is a classic book written for therapists about people in shame-bound family systems. I recommend going here if you want a deep understanding of how and why families create cycles of shame, one manifestation of which is “people-pleasing.” It’s an older book, but it’s still an important one.

Shame and the origins of self-esteem, by Mario Jacoby

Mario Jacoby is an influential Jungian analyst. This book is expensive, but I really recommend taking a look at this book’s table of contents to see how in-depth it is. Amazon’s “look inside” feature has a lot of pages from this book available online, and you can click on table of contents sections to see more information about that section. It might have a lot of the info you need.

More mainstream:

Reinventing Your Life, by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko

Despite the ugly cover and horrible title, this is a really, really solid book based upon schema therapy. This book covers a wider range of schemas or “lifetraps,” so it is appropriate for many people. It can be eye-opening. I would definitely recommend it, especially the chapters on vulnerability, dependence, abandonment, and defectiveness (shame).

Daring Greatly, by Brené Brown

Brown is a leading researcher in the field of vulnerability right now and has down a lot of interesting qualitative work in deconstructing the concept of vulnerability, which is something we must experience if we are to say ‘no’ to our people pleasing tendencies. I’m not the biggest fan of Brown’s mainstream writing personally (I’m more on the dense/academic side of things), but her key points are dead on and her writing works for many people. I really appreciated her famous TED talk when it came out.

Healing the Shame that Bind You, by John Bradshaw

I haven’t read this one, but I have heard really good things. Again, Amazon’s look inside feature is helpful here. A lot of the book is already online.

Hope that helps! Other users have been recommending to me books about codependency. I haven't read any books about codependency specifically, but I can see that being super helpful.

u/[deleted] · 17 pointsr/sex

We tend to get passed down from parents to children the issues and problems that they have until someone decides to break the cycle. Good for you for wanting to do that!

That's awesome that both you and your wife are doing therapy!
I would both talk to your therapist about shame issues that revolve around affection, kissing, hugging. And also read some books regarding shame. One I read years ago that initially got me started down this road of trying to understand myself and undo so much damage is: Healing the Shame that Binds You, by John Bradshaw

Also, a dear friend of mine passed me the following article about shame that she had gotten in a college class that was very instrumental in waking me up further about some of the things that were going on with me internally that I just was not conscious of and started more awakening to uncovering buried ugly baggage and such.

Shame, by Robert Karen

Also, like Maxxters mentioned, reading through this subreddit is really helpful. As I've found it to be what I've heard people talk about group therapy being like. A whole bunch of people chime in about the topic, and then you discover that you are not anywhere near as weird or abnormal as you thought you were.

I hope you are able to find your way through this and find a happier, more content, and peaceful way of being both alone and with your wife. Good luck on your journey. :)

u/ST0NETEAR · 8 pointsr/taoism

Fetishizing self-degradation because of low self-esteem is not healthy. But ignoring the issue once that urge passes will not solve the root of your problems.

Two books I can recommend that might be helpful in confronting these issues from your past:

https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234

https://www.amazon.com/Im-OK-Youre-OK-Thomas-Harris/dp/0060724277

u/filmdude · 7 pointsr/NoFap

>One night I accidentally discovered masturbation when I stroked it and ejaculated everywhere. This was a huge shock to me and it scared me enough that I didn't do it again for a few weeks at least. But then I got curious enough to try it again, and continued doing it almost every day until recently.

This brings me back to the first time I discovered masturbation. I did this weird thing in the bathtub where I let the stream of water hit my penis. Haha, it's funny to think about now. I thought I had discovered fire or something, lol.

>I never considered myself an addict or considered my masturbation a problem, though. I thought that actually having sex would be like the ultimate form of porn and be so much better.

It's so crazy to consider this, but I thought about sex in a very similar way. No wonder our sexuality turned out to be so screwed up. If porn is the #1 and sometimes only model for sex then we are going to treat it like the bible for sex. What a sad thought. Traditional porn sets such a ridiculous standard that no man or woman could live up to.

>An interesting thing happened around day 80. I had a wet dream. The first wet dream I've had in probably well over ten years. This is the only orgasm I've had since three months ago when I relapsed. It was so extreme that I woke up immediately and had to change my pants. I remember the dream and I wasn't dreaming of watching porn! I was really happy about that.

Dude, I have been having wet dreams like a mother fucker. I honestly don't know the science behind it 100% and haven't taken the time to research this topic, but I'm guessing this is just the body's way of getting rid of excessive semen buildup. I think I've had one wet dream every week of nofap so far. I used to wake up trying to will the orgasm away, but really there was so way to stop it. Now I just let myself ejaculate and go back to sleep. I wish I was conscious enough to at least wash up before I fall asleep again, but most of the time I am just barely awake. I have never remembered the contents of any of these "wet dreams."

>Last night, on the eve of my 90th day of nofap, I actually got hard enough to put one on and I actually penetrated her for the first time. I guess that was losing my virginity. I went soft very quickly, but it felt good for a short time. This is progress. I just wish I didn't have to put her through this, though. As a man my instinct is to look after her and take control, but I feel that she is having to do that for me now. And I'm afraid that she will lose interest in helping me through this. I love her and she's so beautiful and perfect but I'm afraid that I can't show her this.

This worries me. I am not a doctor or a therapist, but my unofficial diagnoses is that you might be suffering from an underlying issue. Because of your age, it most likely is not a medical issue. I would recommend at least seeing a doctor to make sure that nothing is going wrong behind the scenes. In my experience a couple of weeks is all that I needed to achieve erection during sex. But everyone is different and I don't mean to say this so that you will worry unnecessarily.

I would also highly recommend therapy for everyone in recovery. I am seeing someone who is $100/hour, once a week, but after insurance it's really only $30 per session. That eating out 1-2 per week. I can make this sacrifice for the sake of my recovery. A problem shared is a problem halved. I would also say there is a good chance you are dealing with a lot of unresolved shame that resulted from your addiction and your past.

This book is great for dealing with shame.


http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234

It has helped me greatly with my own struggle to deal with my past and make peace with my mistakes and accepting myself as a person.


>I feel so much better in the "real world" now than I ever have in my life. I'm never going back. Onwards and upwards!


Congrats on 90 days of recovery. You say that there have been a few relapses so I am unsure of whether this 90 days represents 90 uninterrupted days of recovery, but either way it is an incredible achievement and it is obvious that you are dedicated to healing yourself. Best wishes to you on your road to recovery.

u/muddy700s · 6 pointsr/OldSchoolCool

Shame is self-hate and while you have a point, it's not so simple. Check this book out.

u/UK-FBA · 3 pointsr/socialanxiety

Great post.

This is called toxic shame. It's like a deeper level of shame.

Normal shame: I did something bad.
Toxic shame: I am something bad.

This is the book on it:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234

u/abortiondrone · 3 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

It's so absurd and if you aren't in therapy people just say you're not trying hard enough or don't really want to get better, like being a victim, etc. Fuck 'em. They have no idea what's going on or what it's like.

 

I love therapy books now, haha. I hated the idea of self help but these aren't selling anything, they're fairly clinical approaches and written by actual health professionals, not gurus or 'personalities.'

 

Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward

 

Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw

 

Healing the Incest Wound by Christine B. Courtois This one is pretty good but the language focuses heavily on father/daughter incest which is limiting, unfortunately.

 

The Tao of Fully Feeling by Pete Walker Don't let the full title mislead you, it's absolutely not about forgiving your parents, it's about learning to accept the shitty feelings that linger even after treatment.

 

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker A life changing book, really. I'm particularly fond of Pete Walker because he is a therapist AND an abuse survivor himself so he's not just talking from the ivory tower, he's been through it and the compassion and empathy he has for other survivors is evident in his writing.

u/hyperrreal · 3 pointsr/PurplePillDebate

>I agree with you here. So does this mean you disagree with TRP's stance on this topic?

I've never been one for towing the party line.

> Interesting. I still don't really get it honestly. women are emotionally trained to place responsibility for their feelings onto their partners? What does this mean, and what leads you to believe that?

There are 2 parts to this. One is well explained by Women's Infidelity by Michelle Langley, and is also it's a common criticism feminism makes of popular culture. Society conditions women that marriage or a relationship with a man will make them happy. That they need to find the right guy who will complete them (the implication that without a man they are incomplete). This is bullshit of course, no one can make anyone else happy. You have to learn to be happy yourself.

The second part is that while society conditions men to be stoic (avoid and suppress their feelings) girls are taught to over identify with them. Women who aren't emotionally whole often surrender to their feelings, rather than simply accept them, while understanding the distinction between their being and what they feeling in any given moment.

TRP accurately observes that women end marriages (and probably relationships) more than men, but concludes falsely that this is because women cannot love the way men can. In reality, it's the combination of what I described above. Women enter into relationships thinking that will magically make them happy and they will feel whole and complete and loved. When this doesn't happen because it was never realistic to begin with, they begin to feel sad, anxious, and often angry. While a man would probably bury these emotions until he explodes (or becomes depressed) women both act on them and blame their partners due to how they have been emotionally conditioned.

>There is an huge amount of psychological evidence to support this assertion, and anyone who has spent any time working on emotional healing and therapy will quickly see that I am correct.

Here are some links, but these are books not easily digestible articles. The important thing to understand is that core emotional problems are the same amongst all people. It's the external expression of that pain that is often gendered. Reading about the difference between NPD and BPD will shed some let on this.

Women's Infidelity

Facing Co-Dependence

The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion

Healing the Shame that Binds You

Healing Your Aloneness

Neurosis and Human Growth: The Struggle Towards Self-Realization

>I don't really see what this has to do with gender. Both partners need to feel that expression of love. Dread Game actually seems to be based around purposely withdrawing love and affection, which seems irreconcilable with the idea of unconditional love.

What tends to be gendered is the preferred expression of love (love language). Different people need and express love differently, and sometimes couples don't have compatible styles of showing affection. In cases where one partner will not work on the issue, that partner is withdrawing their love. I agree that dread game is not compatible with unconditional love, and I don' think I ever said it was compatible.

u/islander85 · 3 pointsr/infj

I just realized this last weekend, last Friday to be exact, that I was in an emotional incest relationship with my mum growing up. Mum turned to me for emotional support when dad emotionally withdrew, most because of health reasons that he covered up for years.

How did it effect me? Profoundly!!

I learnt to put others needs before my own. I repressed any needs I did have until they went away. It's left me living life feeling I'm missing something but didn't know what.

I put so much effort into being mum therapist. I didn't learn how to emotionally care for myself. As long as everyone else was happy that's all the mattered.

Being so close to my mum as a teenager I started feeling sexually attracted to her. Because that's such a huge taboo. I repressed any sexual needs or desires I had. That's had a huge impact, I'm still a virgin and almost 40.

I learnt that relationships were about keeping the other person happy and my happiness didn't matter so I became fearful of getting close to people and afraid of intimacy. So I've never had a SO.

Living so disconnected with myself has lead to huge self-confidence, self-worth and self-esteem issues, which lead to depression, anxiety problems and massive loneliness issues. I retreated from the world so I didn't have to see others happy together.

Life makes sense now, but damn what a mess. :( I feel it's going to be a long road to recovery.

I very highly recommend this book on shame it was very eye opening about how shame and childhood adversity affects people throughout their lives.

Wishing you all the best, it's tough to work through but you will get there.

u/Shanguerrilla · 3 pointsr/BPDlovedones

I really can relate man. I suspect my home life wasn't truly comparable to yours, but my mom has traits for sure (she's actually matured and normalized quite a bit after I became an adult-- also my folks have a very 'Red Pill' type life in reddit verbiage, my dad is slightly narcissistic, slightly OCPD, but very much family prioritising in a healthy way now and attempted to even before). For a while though my dad was an alcoholic in my formative years and my mom was pretty nuts. My whole development period she made me and everyone emotionally responsible for her. Uht oh, dad is in your face dominating you, nose to nose, because mom hasn't been eating or sleeping... (because feelings- and 'you're' responsible, clearly) It was a weird dynamic, but not unbearable or as bad as many. Still, my sister was diagnosed BPD and she had a rough go of things. I had to be the golden child or poster boy. I did pretty good at it too, until I didn't. I rebelled the week I turned 18. Was a rough downward spiral for 4 years and took another 4 to fix.

I really relate though, regardless how less 'abusive' or whatever, my experience, to your post here. It was only in the past year I could see that connection and connect the dots that I led myself here by. I've also come to the same conclusion.

I don't know if you've read it, but I really suggest you read the book "Healing the Shame that Binds You" by John Bradshaw. It is almost implicitly on what you just wrote to me. It also, more than any book I read about BPD or anything, impacted and helped me and my life. It's a very long read, but I couldn't get even halfway through without immense healing and peace, personally. You may be two steps past the point I was when reading it though.

u/plzsendhalp · 3 pointsr/Advice

Any therapist. I don't think a specialist is needed. Compile a list of therapists who accept his insurance and who appeal to him based on age and gender, assuming that matters to him. Don't be afraid to try a new therapist if the first one doesn't work out. He's got to build chemistry. But also don't just give up after a session or two because there are no immediate results. It takes time and commitment to get anything out of therapy.

You could also get him Healing the Shame that Binds You. It's highly regarded. Really digs into the root cause of shame, how it builds up, how it controls our lives. It can help him understand why he feels the way he does and how to overcome it.

If he has issues with reading get him the audiobook version. Audible has it.

u/FapFreeJack · 2 pointsr/NoFap

You have to learn that you, in this present moment, are beautiful.
We're all in a low place at some point in our lives. But life is a wave, & when we reach that crest we will cherish it more than anyone who's never been to the depths we have
This book is a must read :)
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/product-reviews/0757303234

u/nordic_spiderman · 2 pointsr/loseit

Hey, I have the same problem that you have. Yeah, it's pretty insane when the monster surfaces. Sometimes it stays through the day. The guilt feeds it through. I can't speak for you but I can tell you what I've been doing.

I started seeing a therapist and a few things became clear very early.
I had shame that I needed to deal with. Anxiety that I needed to control. Finally, I need to learn how to eat again.

I'm doing pretty well so far. I've learned not to judge myself. I have hard days sometimes. It's learning to pick yourself up from those hard days that is the challenge right now.

I suggest getting a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. Also, find a registered dietician that deals with eating disorders. If you can handle it, try mindfulness. It is particularly helpful when learning to eat properly again. I found a lot of help with a book called End Emotional Eating. I'm sorry, I can't link to it at this moment. I'll try an add it in an edit later.

Edit: Here is the link to the book and a few others.
For dealing with bing eating:

  1. End Emotional Eating by Jennifer Taitz: http://www.amazon.com/End-Emotional-Eating-Dialectical-Relationship/dp/1608821218
  2. 50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food by Susan Albers: http://www.amazon.com/Ways-Soothe-Yourself-Without-Food/dp/1572246766

    If you have problems with shame:
    Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw: http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1453094655&sr=1-1&keywords=Healing+the+shame+that+binds+you

    A little disclaimer about this book. I had my doubts going into it. I'm not very religious and this author talks about religion and god right from the beginning. Whether you are religious or not, it may come on a little strong. Later on, I realized that he was more into the spirituality of it than anything else. He even speaks about how you can associate this with whatever belief or non-belief system that you have (belief because his religious passages are mostly based on the Judeao-Christian belief system). What I really liked about this book is that it helped me understand how the shame I felt in life affected me. It was like an epiphany. What's great about this book is that he examines shame at the family level and you won't believe how powerful those revelations can be. The reason I suggest a therapist is that these revelations often need a guiding hand to help you along the way. I hope that you are able to find the help you need, despite living far away from possible treatment centers.
u/lookgoodforme · 2 pointsr/bipolar2

I was going to ask whether you were Mormon, or had grown up Mormon. I grew up Mormon myself, and it's now 15 years after leaving the church that I'm realizing that there are still some latent issues I carry from growing up in the religion.

Your own experiences are yours to explore with compassion for yourself to get to what might be the underlying issues behind your compulsions / "addictions". It won't be easy, especially where your wife is an active member. If your experiences are like mine, you'll be happier and healthier when you find your own voice with respect to who you are, what you believe, and how you want to live your life... and I'm confident that you'll find the compulsions around porn simply fade away without much specific attention given to them as you grow into yourself outside of a Mormon identity.

I might suggest a book to help you move down the road a little: Healing the Shame that Binds You. It did a lot for me. Taming Your Gremlin also was a good read.

Individual therapy helps a lot too - and it may take you a couple tries to find the right one for you. Group therapy might help as well. Explore different things! There's no prescription here.

Don't rule out revisiting medications. I took only Lamictal for a long while, and recently added an antidepressant (Latuda) - which has helped.

AND be nice to yourself!!! Try to look at things objectively, removed from the shackles of religious (aka moral) understandings of porn and masturbation.

Journal everyday by putting pen to paper - just word vomit - get everything out of your head you might be internalizing - you'll know when to stop writing, something will just 'click' - look at your thoughts written down on paper - just observe - no judgement - let's give the negative critical thoughts a little less power - is there a specific voice where these are coming from? - some specific church leader? - just give him a "seat at the table" so to speak, a table you might sit around like at a Thanksgiving family gathering - just let him run his mouth - you DON'T have to listen to him - take his power away - treat him like a crazy aunt that's always spouting bullshit - just tune this person out - find your own words of encouragement - be your own best friend - what, after all, would an ideal best friend say to you - he certainly would not have horribly discouraging things to say - he'd probably just chuckle and confess, "everyone masturbates and looks at porn from time to time - let's get out of the house and go for a walk."

u/i_have_a_gub · 2 pointsr/Psychonaut

I had pretty severe social anxiety and struggled with bouts of depression into my mid 20's. Psychedelics may provide you with some insight as to the root cause(s) of your anxiety and depression, but you're ultimately still going to have to do the work to deal it. Mindfulness and acceptance therapy, journaling, and coming to understand how toxic shame works were the things that were most helpful in overcoming my anxiety and depression.

u/Putt-Blug · 2 pointsr/conspiracy

Its a really good book that my therapist recommended for my addiction issues. It helped me to understand some core reasons behind my behavior and where it can lead me if I don't get it under control. Its more of a addiction recovery book but it I believe some of the principles are related to the behaviors of these monsters.

https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234

u/EntheoGiant · 2 pointsr/Psychonaut

> Oh boy you should read Nietzsche.

Also, Carl Jung:

> In sterquiliniis invenitur
—Carl Jung

Which literally translates to: you will find it in a cesspool.

^ literally OP's quote.

Also, relevant story:



The Prisoner In The Dark Cave

> There once was a man who was sentenced to die. He was blindfolded and put in a pitch dark cave. The cave was 100 yards by 100 yards. He was told that there was a way out of the cave, and if he could find it, he was a free man.
>
> After a rock was secured at the entrance to the cave, the prisoner was allowed to take his blindfold off and roam freely in the darkness. He was to be fed only bread and water for the first 30 days and nothing thereafter. The bread and water were lowered from a small hole in the roof at the south end of the cave. The ceiling was about 18 feet high. The opening was about one foot in diameter. The prisoner could see a faint light up above, but no light came into the cave.
>
> As the prisoner roamed and crawled around the cave, he bumped into rocks. Some were rather large. He thought if he could build a mound of rocks and dirt that was high enough, he could reach the opening and enlarge it enough to crawl through and escape. Since he was 5’9”, and his reach was another two feet, the mound had to be at least 10 feet high..
>
> So the prisoner spent his waking hours picking up rocks and digging up dirt. At the end of two weeks, he had built a mound of about six feet. He thought that if he could duplicate that in the next two weeks, he could make it before the food ran out. But as he had already used most of the rocks in the cave, he had to dig harder and harder. He had to do the digging with his bare hands. After a month had passed, the mound was 9 ½ feet high and he could almost reach the opening if he jumped. He was almost exhausted and extremely weak.
>
> One day just as he thought he could touch the opening, he fell. He was simply too weak to get up, and in two days he died. His captors came to get his body. They rolled away the huge rock that covered the entrance. As the light flooded into the cave, it illuminated an opening in the wall of the cave about three feet in circumference.

> The opening was the opening to a tunnel which led to the other side of the mountain. This was the passage to freedom the prisoner had been told about. It was in the south wall directly under the opening in the ceiling. All the prisoner would have had to do was crawl about 200 feet and he would have found freedom. He had so completely focused on the opening of light that it never occurred to him to look for freedom in the darkness. Liberation was there all the time right next to the mound he was building, but it was in the darkness.

–Parable found via John Bradshaw’s Healing the shame that binds you

u/thisismisterl · 2 pointsr/leaves

Here's my take on things. I'm in a similar position to you. I'm clean now, but spent way too long smoking way too much and still accomplishing plenty, being seen as a high achiever, etc.

Every time I would quit - for a month or longer, I'd eventually do the same thing you described. Think I could moderate and before I knew it, I was out of control again.

Here's the thing: I've come to believe that marijuana was not my problem, but only a symptom of it. My real problem was numbing - and marijuana is a very effective numbing agent. I finally realized that what was behind the impulse to pick up and smoke, was the impulse to numb and avoid feelings and uncomfortable mental states.

I think it can be helpful when trying to let things go to explore what is underneath the urge to 'check out' and smoke.

There are those in the mental health field that suggest that shame is actually at the root of all numbing/addictive behaviours. I tend to agree. Here are a few resources that I've found extremely helpful in getting to the root cause of my numbing impulses and truly healing myself:

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en

https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1473347900&sr=8-1&keywords=healing+the+shame

https://www.amazon.com/Inner-Bonding-Becoming-Loving-Adult/dp/0062507109

Good luck!

u/lavendernorth · 2 pointsr/leaves

Yeah that therapist is a dick. Don't go back and see her even after you are sober a year.

You (like so many of us here) have an addictive personality. I am the same way with food weighing and tracking, I get obsessive about it and cut my calories so low it is dangerous.

Do you have other options for therapy since you have the tendency to get so intense about things? The possibility that cycling becomes your new running is very real. I'm literally copying and pasting a response someone left me on the thread "Day 2 & grappling with permanency" because it addresses the addictive personality that underlies the behavior. Hugs to you!

Wisdom from @thisismisterl:

Here's the thing: I've come to believe that marijuana was not my problem, but only a symptom of it. My real problem was numbing - and marijuana is a very effective numbing agent. I finally realized that what was behind the impulse to pick up and smoke, was the impulse to numb and avoid feelings and uncomfortable mental states.
I think it can be helpful when trying to let things go to explore what is underneath the urge to 'check out' and smoke.

There are those in the mental health field that suggest that shame is actually at the root of all numbing/addictive behaviours. I tend to agree. Here are a few resources that I've found extremely helpful in getting to the root cause of my numbing impulses and truly healing myself:

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en

https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1473347900&sr=8-1&keywords=healing+the+shame

https://www.amazon.com/Inner-Bonding-Becoming-Loving-Adult/dp/0062507109

u/owendontfap · 2 pointsr/NoFap

Men with compulsive patterns have one thing in common: abandonment trauma from a very early age. This requires constant medication through a hijacked reward circuit see: www.yourbrainonporn.com. Because of early conditioning an addict believes himself to be a flawed human being; the worst worst. Toxic shame as an identity becomes dehumanising and increasingly unmanageable.

Recovery involves making contact with this primal pain. It's ugly work. There are many tools available:

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1398108453&sr=8-1&keywords=healing+the+shame+that+binds+you

http://www.amazon.com/The-Revolutionary-Trauma-Release-Process/dp/1897238401/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1398108520&sr=8-1&keywords=david+berceli

Good places to start. Nofap is a great platform but the flavour is often day-counting, minimisation, rationalisation and denial.

Unconditional self-acceptance is the big win.

u/JgJay21 · 2 pointsr/relationship_advice

> What the fuck do I do? Do I see a psychologist/therapist/counselor? How do I acquire one/pay for it? Any book recommendations that can help me?

Yes, ideally see a psychologist/therapist/counselor. If you go to school, there is likely a free option that you can access. Otherwise, you will have to pay for one yourself. If funds are low, look online or ask around for low cost options. Consider checking with the social workers you came into contact with for example, to see if they have any suggestions.

Reading recommendations:

Anything on cognitive behavioral therapy

Healing the Shame that Binds You - John Bradshaw

Early Maladaptive Schemas and Schema Therapy

Google search anything relating to impacts of abusive childhood

​

>how can I be a better old brother/ how can I enforce my authority without being a dick?

Start by speaking to your brothers about what they're experiencing. A major aspect of exposure to abuse during childhood is the inability to verbalize you're experiencing and how it makes you feel. Pull up a long list of feelings from google search and use it as a guide to help them identify what they're feeling. For example they may have a hard time recognizing that they feel abandoned by their father, and probably by you/your older brother when you leave.

It may help to do some reading on child development/behavior for your brother's ages. That way you have a more informed understanding of their mentality/behavior that is appropriate for their ages. You may have a tendency to be authoritative and a strong disciplinarian just because of your upbringing and you don't want to be reinforcing any dysfunctional behavior you picked up from your mom.

u/nnnwwnlyg · 1 pointr/NoFap

Buy him this book: Healing the shame that binds you by John Bradshaw

You should read it yourself first, to understand the family he grew up in. You have to get to the root of the problem. Why does he watch porn?

u/ambushxx · 1 pointr/depression

You might have issues with toxic shame.
I have issues with shame thats messing up my self esteem.
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234
This book has been helpful.

u/BuxomBrunette · 1 pointr/RBNLifeSkills

The therapist, Amy Tibbits, who runs the clinic I visit, The Lilac Center, wrote a book to help folks learn the skills of DBT: You Untangled.

My personal therapist, Anna Saviano, co-wrote a second workbook with Amy to help heal the trauma they have lived: You Empowered.

Anna also has me practicing meditation and listening to binaural beats to supplement the EMDR she does with me in session.

I also read The Expanded Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Training Manual by Lane Pederson before I met Anna and I feel it has given me an excellent foundation to build upon.

DBT Skills Training Manual by Marsha Linehan is not a book I've read personally. However, Linehan is who originally developed DBT and the link says it comes with online access to the worksheets and handouts. That looks to me like another excellent potential resource "straight from the horses mouth" if you will.

I am willing to be a chat/support buddy and can share what I've learned and continue to learn from my sessions as it pertains to DBT.

Good luck. :)

Edit to add: A book suggested by Anna that took me nearly a year to read because it was difficult for me is Healing The Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw.

Further edit: My husband reminded me that you may well be able to get the books by Linehan, Pederson and Bradshaw at your local library.

u/earthgirl48 · 1 pointr/AskReddit

then deal with them now! by not sharing these things with your therapist, you are only fooling yourself. try not to feel shame. this is a wonderful book that you might find useful.
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234#reader_0757303234

u/hornypinecone · 1 pointr/Buddhism

I relate to you in every one of those ways. Accept safety. I always felt safe. But I never had a real connection with someone. Bad shame that led to addiction. Fear of rejection. Wasn't feeling the love. This was before I found Buddhism that I got myself out of it. So on the Karma bit. It doesn't matter. From a Buddhist perspective, you can't change the past. From a Non-Buddhist perspective. Well. Karma isn't important to think about here. What you need to take action, and do some intense emotional healing. Which is quite simple. Yet difficult.

But if you're still hung up on thinking about karma and trying to understand what all went wrong and what exactly could be wrong... Well that's complex, but easy nontheless. So it's the wrong path, in my opinion.

What's the right path?

It's the path that I took. Which may not work for you, but I'm going to lay it out anyway...
I was seventeen and was getting high all the time. I had "friends" I hung out with people. Occasionlly. But mostly played videogames. Life was seemingly pretty great. It's what all my friends were doing, it's what I'd done for quite some time. But things were just feeling off.

Upon investigation (on the internet) I came across a lot of things that I thought would make me happier. Y'know that Lambroghini in garage guy? I thought for sure I was going to buy what he was selling, but that was just a phase. Then it was Reading. I was going to read the shit out of everything. Afterall, my family would approve of that. Yet still. No happier. Still smoked weed occasionally.

Anyway I hopped and skipped around different hobbies that I thought would make me happy. But then I found JP Sears on YouTube. That guy makes sense. Lots of sense. I don't think he's Buddhist. I don't think it matters. I think you should watch all of his everything. But if that's a bit daunting, at least try his video on shame. Best of luck m8. I promise there's some light at the end of the tunnel, just keep digging.

Edit: I'd also like to mention that you take a big first step when you find out that you have shame, and not much love. Then a bigger step to admit it. So. Yea, I reckon 2016'll be a good year for you. It takes courage to get of shame binds. But when you look back, it almost seems like it takes more courage to sit in that pain for so long.

Also, here's more good stuff. This is John Bradshaw. He wrote a book. 10/10 would reccomend.

u/BoyzIIGrizz · 1 pointr/addiction

Do you have a therapist that you can talk to help you work through these feelings, ideally someone specializing in trauma and/or substance abuse? I was pretty resistant to pursuing therapy and just stuck to meds for my depression/adhd for way too long. Finding a counselor I can trust that really gets me has been a huge game changer for turning my mental health around. I also really recommend reading the book Healing the Shame That Binds You

u/trumanspiv · 1 pointr/AdultChildren

These are my two favorites. They're accessible and to the point. Best of luck in your recovery. It's not any easy road, but it's worth it.

Adult Children of Alcoholics

Healing the Shame that Binds You

u/SpookySpaceCoyote · 1 pointr/socialwork

I want to second the recommendation for Brene Brown - I love her, my clients love her, I really can't recommend her enough. I'd also like to throw Healing The Shame That Binds You into the ring as it's addiction specific. John Bradshaw has some videos that my clients love.

> The client suddenly falls off the face of the earth after doing well for so long

My supervisor assures me that this is "normal" for our area, but like you I haven't really been satisfied with that approach. I always try to educate my clients that relapse isn't indicative of failure - I treat it like a flare in symptoms and discuss with clients that it can be a learning opportunity because it gives them the chance to go back and figure out a different way of behaving. I absolutely hate counting days sober (feels like an industrial factory sign that says "x days since an injury at this work site") as the client often feels like they need to reset the counter to zero after a relapse. I advocate for the approach that we are always learning, and that a relapse doesn't mean you've forgotten any of the new things you've learned. When my clients do return after relapse, I give tons of positive feedback for returning to the office.

u/Mungbunger · 1 pointr/exmormon

Oh god yes. I confessed all the time. I went on my mission without a whole lot of conviction but during it did my best to obey so I could be worthy of the spirit and a testimony. Boy, was this a perfect recipe for psychological distress. I constantly wondered whether my thoughts were prompting from the spirit or not and I always wondered why I wasn't getting the testimony and burning conviction I'd been promised. "Well, better step it up," I'd think. Probably because I spent 45 minutes instead of 30 minutes writing email. Probably because I thought sexual thoughts. Probably because I had Josh Groban on my iPod. And later, probably because I have an iPod. I kept stepping it up. I wanted so bad to be worthy of god's prompting and dod everything I could to merit it. When I didn't measure up to these unrealistically high expectations, I would step it up. I was ALWAYS confessing and whenever I felt a huge wave of relief, I would think it was the spirit. Nope. Just OCD. I would "sin" like maybe seeing something scandalous on late-nite TV that was sexually arousing. But I wouldn't feel guilty about it, true contrition. So I took seriously D&C " 42 Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.
43 By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them." So I would confess in order to create embarrassment, shame and guilt so that I could feel godly sorry and truly repent of my seems because after all "...our words will condemn us, yea, all our works will condemn us; we shall not be found spotless; and our thoughts will also condemn us; and in this awful state we shall not dare to look up to our God; and we would fain be glad if we could command the rocks and the mountains to fall upon us to hide us from his presence." (Alma 12:14)

OCD/Scrupulosity can be a real bitch but it is possible to overcome.of this, I testify (without hesitation). : ) It will take work. Expect to do a lot of reading. In addition to these books below, I recommend finding a therapist.

Learning about mindfulness really helped. I recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Eight-Week-Finding-Peace-Frantic-ebook/dp/B005NJ2T1G.

I also recommend this: http://www.amazon.com/Wherever-You-Go-There-Are/dp/1401307787.

This: http://www.amazon.com/You-Are-Not-Your-Brain/dp/1583334831

This: http://www.amazon.com/Leaving-Fold-Marlene-Winell/dp/1933993235

And this one:http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234

That Mormon Stories podcast really helped me. I think there's a few of them. It put a name to something I'd just thought was normal. I just remember thinking "That's me!" If only someone had had the wherewithal to say "Young man, all this confessing isn't ok. Let's get you some help." I was consumed by guilt and shame all the time, never measuring up. So I'd step it up. The idea of "worthiness" was incredibly harmful to me. We are all worthy of love, of respect, and acceptance.

I also struggled with assertiveness so for what it's worth here's a discussion and some book recommendations and a discussion from last week.

Recovery is possible. I have completely gotten over all that guilt. I learned o get over that nagging guilty feeling or even that feeling like "oh shit! I left the stove on". I've had so many of those. But now I don't. I just started ignoring them. "Fuck it. Let my house burn down." What I once thought was the spirit, I now know was just my brain. Now I don't feel that. My brain has rewires so that those feelings don't come up anymore. And now I have done everything I always feared and "far worse"--I've had sex outside marriage (I was never married) and so broke my "covenants" from the temple, I've smoked weed, drank (though I don't anymore). No guilt, no shame. I'm not saying you need to do those things to get better, I'm just saying that if you'd known me a decade ago, you'd have not believed I would have ever done anything so "wicked".

My point is there's nothing objective about that guilt and shame we felt. It's only because it was instilled in us from an early age. It's a learned response and can be unlearned. We just took the Church and its truth claims and hell and punishment seriously.

Best to you. Feel free to PM me any time. Know that there's hope.

u/Gamma_Male_ · 1 pointr/seduction

Therapy is a personal journey and you should find what works for you. Start reading and educating yourself and find out what resonates with you. For me the starting point was reading this book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0757303234 . I've been doing shit loads of therapy. From one-on-one traditional therapy sessions to intense retreats. Good luck!

u/KatanaRunner · 0 pointsr/asktrp

You need to know if you seriously got depression, and if you do how serious your depression is. Here's a book that'll give you an understanding of depression and solutions, and if the solutions don't help or if you got something more serious like PTSD, then I would recommend MDMA therapy, there has been good results yielded in clinical trials.
edit: to get MDMA therapy(underground therapy) you're gonna to make phone calls/ email people