Reddit reviews How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When--and Why--Love Doesn't Work
We found 6 Reddit comments about How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When--and Why--Love Doesn't Work. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
Bantam
It's partially just a process. It takes time to recover from any relationship ending, but when it's with a pwBPD it's especially challenging because the abuse leaves us with PTSD. We often get caught in a loop of trying to make sense of something that will never make sense. I know that's the case for me.
Therapy definitely has helped me the most - but I understand it's not that simple for everyone. Definitely keep seeking your options. Do you have health insurance through an employer? I didn't realize that my employer actually pays for therapy - I thought I couldn't afford it either until I started actually looking into it.
My therapist emphasizes this the most: Even she was duped by my ex pwBPD (she saw him too). It took her over a year just to diagnose him, and then another whole year to realize that he was lying to and manipulating her. Try not to linger too much on self-flagellation, because sadly they are charming and many people fall for it. Just be glad you're out now and try to focus on the future.
In the meantime the things that helped me most outside of therapy were mindfulness and self-help books. Mindfulness through meditation will change your life, and it takes very little effort. It teaches you to be in the present and at peace, rather than ruminating or catastrophizing. As for self-help books, the ones I list below were instrumental in my healing process. They are a very good substitute for therapy until you can make that work. I recommend the books below in the order I have them listed.
Mindfulness:
Books
I hope you pursue all of these. Don't let yourself stay stuck; there is a life outside of what you're experiencing now.
> as time went on I became increasingly more depressed (not entirely his fault, genetically predisposed to depression here) and my sex drive took a dive
I thought I was pre-disposed to depression too. I was severely depressed and has extreme anxiety the last few years of our relationship. Now, 9-months post separation, I feel like myself for the first time in years. Your husband is making you depressed.
> The sex thing was REALLY hard on him, and made him feel unwanted
OMG, I dealt with this shit so much. He would do X, Y or Z shitty behavior to drive me away, causing me to avoid intimacy with him. Then I was made to be the bad guy - he made me feel so guilty, that I was emasculating him and making him feel unwanted and abandoned. In reality, he is the one who has abandoned you for his other relationship - the bottle (not to mention the other women). He abandons you, makes you feel like nothing, takes you for granted, cheats, drinks, and when you withdraw after all this rejection he makes YOU the bad guy. No.
> I wasn't ready to give up my entire life just because he made a mistake
He didn't make one mistake. He has made a series of mistakes and you keep forgiving him. He is pushing your boundaries further and further to see what he can get away with. He apologizes for mistakes then turns around and keeps doing it, and taking it one step further. To make things worse, he tries to turn it all around on you because of your lack of intimacy which all came about because of his inability to be a decent partner.
> now he's ACTUALLY TRYING
What is he actually doing to try? He has begrudgingly agreed to stop drinking for a short amount of time. He is being, as you say, "patient, tender, and understanding." About what?! He should be grovelling on his knees, in intensive therapy to address why he treats you like shit and takes your marriage for granted - all while YOU are showing patience, compassion, and understanding for HIM.
He's trying to blame everything on you, and you're letting him. This is not a judgment. My ex and I had the exact same dynamic for 15 years. Take it from me: let him go. Free yourself. It's not easy. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. But it's so worth it. You must break your codependency, start demanding respect from others, and stop blaming yourself.
These two books helped me in my journey:
Codependent No More
How to Break Your Addiction to a Person
Maybe try [this book] (https://www.amazon.com/Break-Your-Addiction-Person-When/dp/0553382497/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1523638497&sr=8-1&keywords=addiction+to+a+person).
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Chant this to yourself over and over: "If he says he's a monster, I should believe him. He is a monster."
Please know that nobody is ever to blame for these things. Nobody deserves to be cheated on. Nobody deserves abuse of any kind. And your actions absolutely are not to blame.
Something that helps me when I start feeling misplaced guilt is to imagine that I am in a friend's position. As a friend, what would I say to myself? I've read through a lot of your posts in the last few minutes and I think you would tell a friend in your situation this: "WHAT ARE YA NUTS!? This guy obviously doesn't deserve you, and you are beating yourself up for nothing. Don't even give him a backward glance."
Now I know that giving and taking advice are two different beasts. But it helps to think of it in those terms. What would I objectively have to say to a person listening to me say these things?
Your posts, including this reply, show that you feel you are worthless and undeserving. You give 100% of yourself to others and make excuses for their bad behavior.
You have worth. You have value. You deserve love. Until you believe these things yourself, you will continue this pattern of seeking abusive relationships.
If you can't afford a therapist, seek whatever help you can online. Look up books and articles on codependency. I myself am a codependent. Here are the two books you need to get STAT:
How to Break your Addiction to a Person
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
There is a book called "How to break your addiction to a person" that I found helpful. When you find yourself thinking about them, visualize a stop sign and instead think something about them that grosses you out.
And How to Break Your Addiction to a Person.