Reddit reviews How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful

Welcome to this sub. Sorry you found yourself in this place.

Healing from infidelity is a 2-5 year process and it requires a shit ton of work by the wayward to make this work. There are a couple of books that I recommend as standard ones. The first is How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald. This is a short 90 page book that was written by a therapist who helps couples get through this shit. She found 15 actions and attitudes that the wayward must implement in order to build a new environment of safety and security for the betrayed. This environment is needed because if you do not feel safe and secure then you will not be able to heal.

The book can be found here: https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

Her actions listed in the book are:

Waywards who want to rebuild the marriage:

• are non defensive

• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses

• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners

• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner

• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done

• make amends and apologize to loved ones

• apologize often, especially the first two years

• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain

• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings

• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering

• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity

• keep no secrets

• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair

• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities

• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing

• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair

• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair

• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children

• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth

The last point includes these actions: (I added these via my own experience)

• Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.

• Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.

• Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)

• If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.


The next book I recommend is Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD. This is a much longer book. It can be very triggery for betrayed because she used couples from her practice and built a composite with their experiences to write the descriptions of what is going on. These can dredge up mind movies, and deep feelings. Don't let that put you off, because she does have really great insight on what is needed for the couple to get through this.

Right now you processing just WTF has happened. This takes about a year. Your mind is going up and down not just the time from when the affair started, but all up and down your entire relationship. What it's trying to do is to process the history which you have in your brain, and the history that has just been revealed. This is normal.

As your brain goes over the history it will find areas what don't add up with what the wayward has told you and what you know. Also your brain will go over information she has already given you and as you process this you will ask the question over and over. This questioning is in response to needing the truth, and a cross check of what you have been told before. Sometimes the wayward's answer will change and you will challenge it. Again your brain is searching for safety and security.

What a betrayed spouse needs and what the wayward wants to give them are 180 degree opposite directions of each other. The betrayed spouse needs the truth, and needs to know that the lies have stopped.

Right now your wife's words hold no meaning. She can tell you that she is going to the store and your mind will snap to wondering who she is meeting. Those 15 items that Linda McDonald points out are actions and attitudes that back up what the wayward is telling you.

Sometimes a wayward is regretful they have gotten caught rather than remorseful for what they have done. Those clues are in their actions. If they say things like "Its been 5 months aren't you over it yet?" or they become irritated and defensive there there is something going on. Actions that don't mirror McDonald's points show that the wayward has no empathy for the situation which they have put you in.

This sucks. While I'm one that likes marriages to work, he is a habitual cheater. And he will travel on business.

Cheaters do have a tendency to cheat again...eventually.

Get the book Help Your Spouse Recover From Your Affair. For him. And Not Just Friends for you.

Cheating while wife is pregnant is repugnant.

https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

I'm so sorry for all of this, for who I am, for what I've done to you. I wish I could undo and unravel this mess but I can't, and for that I'm so sorry.

You can't unravel the mess, but you can make a new good start.

go get yourself "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald

https://www.amazon.ca/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

Amazing book, excellent guide with timelines and concrete actions you can take to rebuild trust

How To Help Your Spouse After Your Affair

http://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

> There were even times that I blamed her and put this on her for allowing to happen.

This is the one case, assuming everything you've said is correct, where I might agree with you.

Your wife encouraged / was OK with the encounter. What was she actually upset with?

Assuming this is similar to infidelity - and again, "with permission" I'm not sure that it IS infidelity, but if you want to know what to expect and how to help her:
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

Advice from "open relationship" couples might be more appropriate. The way your wife is reacting doesn't jive with you having permission.

Your story is very touching and really is so very full of love, deep love. After all this time if he is still with you it is out of love and desire, not guilt. I do believe you should show him your post, seeing feelings written down can have an impact on us guys that may not happen the same way if talking about it.

I think you at least owe it to yourself and your relationship to continue on with the therapy and see where this is in a year or so. You have invested so much in this. I would insist that he also go to IC along with the MC with you. Tell him to help with making this all happen for both of you financially.

Look and see if there are any universities with a Vocational Rehabilitation major that would have access to counseling at one of their colleges. A lot of times they are offered for free. The one I work at does.
Have him read this...
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
Also Affairrecovery.com on YouTube are great to watch together.

Then know, that if after all this, you still have the abilty and right to walk away, and of no fault of yours.

Here are some resources for you.

For you .

For her if she is serious.

She can also get the book titled: How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful

I hope you heal man. Take care of yourself.

You spouse can start with this book: How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair

My WS read it, and then I did. It was helpful as a starting point in this process.

Funny thing that, we aren't even married. He's just my SO and BabyDaddy.

But anyways, for example last night, after we were in bed, he told me that he was thinking about it when he was brushing his teeth and that he was thinking about when he was working in the garage and forming all these things he wanted to say to me. Or we will be driving and I'll be quiet and he will say something like "I'm so sorry I hurt you" out of the blue. It is rare, but it's starting to happen more. So when he says things like that, I say "thank you for telling me" or "thank you for apologizing".

He also will ask me, "are you feeling sad again?" When I'm quiet at home, to start the conversation. He can always tell when I'm unhappy and says that if I don't tell him what I'm thinking, then he can't help and problem solve.

He's also reading this book;

https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

And I've asked him to read this article alone and with me several times:

http://affaircare.com/articles/understanding-your-loyal-spouse/

u/notahappy18 is right. He also thinks he can avoid feeling as guilty if you just move on away from him. Out of sight out of mind.

If you’re young (20’s) and have no kids together, he might actually be somewhat correct about this. In so far as you might separate, find a good man and have a nice life with him. As for pain avoidance for your WS, it’s not so easy to outrun his conscience.

Nothing really gets better for either of you until you deal with the pain head-on, process it and leave it in the past. (The concern for you is that with things not dealt with you’ll actually pick another cheater and repeat the cycle. Just like people leaving an abusive relationship gravitate to new abusers because they’re broken inside and not healed. )

Anyway, you should not beg him to stay for many reasons. But you can point out that he’s not going to get the relief he wants from separation. He’ll still feel like he’s a POS. On top of that he’ll feel like a coward too. Appeal to his sense of duty and obligation in the short term. He probably thinks there’s no way back from what he’s done. In the big picture you have to show him there is a way. (But it is long, and difficult, be under no illusion yourself.)

Start him here:
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From... https://www.amazon.com/dp/145055332X?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

It’s a short, easy to read, and direct book that gets straight to the point.

Also, there may be some projection going on here. Q: which is more hurtful to you: a PA or a EA (physical/emotional affair)?

If you answered emotional you’re with the majority of women. However, the majority of men would answer the opposite. So he is judging his actions by how he would feel about it. He isn’t considering you might have an alternative viewpoint. I’m not trying to minimize his actions here, but just point out he is assuming a huge amount right now and probably getting most of it wrong.

That is the approach I’d recommend taking with him. Demonstrate he hasn’t got it all worked out and he needs to work with you to get it figured out.

It is very much a catch-22. WS have a very hard time owning up to their actions because very often they've betrayed their own sense of propriety and the values they espoused and believed. Many WS are truly ashamed of their behavior and it makes it difficult to speak the truth because it is painful for them to admit as much as they are pained to see see how much pain they've inflicted on the BS. Of course, none of this excuses their behavior and it perversely makes the issue of trust ever being restored that much more difficult.

The reality is that it the WS to take command of the healing process of the BS. They may not be up to the task, but if true healing is to ever happen, it will ultimately be up to them. The very best book I read on this subject and what I believe to be the most helpful is How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. In my opinion, it needs to be required reading for the the WS and the BS. It should be one of the very first things that is done after D-Day. It is critical for the WS to understand their responsibility in helping their partner to heal. Those who can commit to this are the ones more likely to not only survive an affair, but come out better than before. It's not easy, but it is possible.

The BS needs to read this book to understand the realities of the healing process and the challenges the WS is facing so they can manage their own expectations in the healing process.

Then you cannot see it. Here are some of the resources:

Books:

'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass

'How To Help Your Spouse Recover =From Your Affair'. By Linda McDonald.

Web sites/videos:

Affair Recovery Free Resources.

AffairRecovery.

Good luck OP and keep us updated!

Do not listen to what she says. Watch how she behaves. The suicide bit smacks of manipulation to me.

I'm jaded, but I would say that odds are you will never recover this relationship unless you are just willing to be abused and accept continued cheating. IT SUCKS! I tried to forgive, I tried to move forward, only to find out my wife became a better liar.

Making real changes in character is difficult. It's much easier for her to rationalize her behaviors and that will likely mean allowing herself to end up in the same position later. Only next time, she will have a dedicated email account, maybe a dedicated "burner" phone to access it, etc.

She wasn't actually your best friend. She was betraying you and then pretending to be your friend. She doesn't respect you. She may think she loves you, but is possibly damaged and not able to love in a normal way. She may be lacking in the ability to empathize with others. She is almost assuredly a selfish person. You yourself have probably been blinded by your love and not allowed yourself to see how selfish she is, but perhaps over the coming weeks you will start to think about this or that past experience, and how it demonstrates her selfish entitlement.

Good luck. I recommend this book:

https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

1 - Set a time table in your mind for how long you will give her to start making MAJOR changes.

2 - Tell her to buy the above book and read it, then ask her to give you the book so that you can read it AFTER she does.

3 - Note how long it takes her to buy it, and then to read it.

4 - Read it yourself and note how much of the advice in the book she is already doing.

5 - Re-evaluate how much of the advice in the book she is doing at the end of your time table that you set in step 1 above.

​

If she won't buy and read the book, then that speaks much louder than verbal promises. If she reads it but won't follow through with the suggestions, then I strongly advise you to exit the marriage. If she reads it and earnestly tries, you may have something to salvage.

If you think it is salvageable, then I recommend getting professional help. The two of you will probably not be able to figure this out without some therapy from a trained professional.

My WS and I had exactly this conversation this weekend. We’re 4 months out from D day. I had a bad day on Saturday. Not the worst, not furious and raging but just sad and down, thinking about things I didn’t want to think about. He could see what was happening, asked if I was having a bad day, I said yes but I didn’t know why. Our issue is that he gets frustrated when I have a bad day, feeling like no matter what he does it’s never enough, so he gets distant or down or annoyed, which is not only not supportive or helpful, but it makes me mad when what I want is for him to help me feel better, but he says he doesn’t know how. But I don’t know either in truth. Or that’s the short version.

In the end I went for a drive and had some space. I went to the library and wrote a long email to him about how he needed to understand why I am going to continue to have bad days but I’m trying, that his effort is helping make the bad days further apart, and what else I want him to do . He stayed home and read the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair which I had bought him shortly after dday but he never read (I asked that he please read it, annoyed he hadn’t already).

Once I came home we were both ready to have a much calmer, kinder conversation and he said he had a lot of realizations from the book. So this was a “good” bad day. Other days I seethe, feel like I’m right back to DDay in terms of my anger and wanting to run, so I pick a fight and you all know the rest. I still haven’t figured out how to manage that better. But you’re not alone.

TLDR: deep breaths, communicate, take space, consider books you can both read like the one linked above, journal or write an email to your SO whether you decide to send it or not, give it time, you’re not alone, you don’t need to have all the answers now.

There is one very good short book that WILL explain to you and her the things necessary for a reconciliation. This is required reading for all infidelity.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful

I didn't read all of the other responses but if not already mentioned your wife needs to go NC with this guy. If they work together she needs to get a different job elsewhere. She needs to give you a full timeline of events (conversations, flirting, texts, emails,phone calls etc.) leading up to and during this unrequited relationship. She must be willing to answer any and all questions you have.

Can this be salvaged? Yes. Have he read (and you as well) Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. This book is a staple and one of the two top reccomended books for your situation. (The other is How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald. The author has a free version on her website here or you can get it on Amazon here. Also, here is a good article for you.

At the very least this was emotional infidelity. She should never have to discuss any feelings at all. That is out of bounds when married. Her reaction should have been distancing herself from him altogether not discussing how to handle their feelings. If they both knew they had feelings things already went too far and boundaries were already crossed mentally and flirting was done to encourage it.

There is no quick and easy fix to 'get over it'. She will now have to earn your trust from the ground up and you will go through a lot of emotions. She must demonstrate true remorse (not the same as regret!) and be willing to do whatever possible to comfort you and earn your trust. Your relationship can never be what it was before. It can, however be good again and possibly even more intimate with diligent work.

Before ANYthing can be done to start to rebuild she has to go No Contact immediately though. Inviting him over is absolutely disrespectful, unremorseful and is downright playing with fire. If she is doing that she is still in a wayward mindset and that is not a good sign. At the very least she is downplaying what has happened and needs to wake up and see what she's done.

If you feel she isnt being truthful you have options. You can hire a lie detector and if she doesnt agree you know probably she's lying. If she does agree she may hope you'll cancel since she's going along in the hopes it will never occur. Many wait until right before the test and spill the truth. It's a way for you to get peace of mind at least knowing if she's currently being honest/faithful.

You need to make a list of your requirements. These are the things that must occur for you to give her the gift of even attempting reconciliation. That means consequences must be attached. If she doesnt comply with X.Y, Z then you separate for example and reconciliation is off. Generally such a list would include blocking him in every way, writing a very short, succinct No contact letter and sending it in your presence, giving you all passwords to all accounts and full access to electronic devices. Not being allowed to delete any emails, photos, texts etc. without you knowing beforehand. You should be allowed to recover previously deleted texts/emails to view for yourself what the relationship was. She should check in periodically and always be able to verify she is where she says she is. You should continue to use the location service on your phones but know that, despite your comment in your post, they are not always accurate. Have a back up to compare against. If he ever does try to contact her she must work immediately tell/show you. If he has a spouse or SO she should be told right away.

The most important thing that needs to happen is she needs to find her why; why she was able to jeopardize your marriage by developing a relationship with someone else. What is missing within herself that she is trying to fulfill. Is it low self esteem and she needs the ego kibbles? What is it? Once she identifies the reason she needs to work in fixing that issue so she can be a safe partner. While issues in a marriage can be attributed to both spouses in varying degrees, an affair is 100% on the betrayer. She had other options. She could have divorced, talked to you, not entered the new relationship at all, went to therapy etc. If she tries to start saying her decisions were in any way because of anything you did or didn't so she is gaslighing.

Lastly, here is a really great website/forum site dedicated to your situation. It is highly moderated and is an excellent resource for venting, getting sound advice and having a place to go where everyone understands from personal experience what you're going through. There is a variety of forums for all affected by all types of infidelity. Check it out

EDITED: spelling/addition

I’m also a bit confused why you’re getting so beat up by everyone on this particular sub. Other subs, sure....

There’s a great book that you should read. If your husband does come back, at least be educated on how to go about getting his forgiveness as a starting point.


https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

Good luck to you xx

Good and good luck. Even though I ultimately decided to leave my ex, there was a short book that helped her come to terms with the extent of the damage she'd done, because she just wasnt 'getting it'. Here is link to purchase the book, but it can be found online as a free .pdf. It can be read in a single sitting, consider reading it together. Again, good luck.

https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

Speak with your actions. Be transparent. Be present. Get off social media. If it was a messaging service and the messages can be hidden, it no longer exists in your life. Have an open phone policy... he gets all passwords.

https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503/ref=pd_aw_sim_14_3/139-3290270-9657531?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0743225503&pd_rd_r=2cae6e1f-cf8c-11e8-bdc5-8929d75e6129&pd_rd_w=e5YsN&pd_rd_wg=lvF4h&pf_rd_i=mobile-dp-sims&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_p=57b46099-d750-4d74-83ee-63ad64b310a4&pf_rd_r=BGQBBAY4JQFSPESDWVNG&pf_rd_s=mobile-dp-sims&pf_rd_t=40701&psc=1&refRID=BGQBBAY4JQFSPESDWVNG

I'm sorry this happened to you. This is a very detailed post and I feel like you are looking at it from the correct angles. I think you are doing all the correct things and not allowing this to be swept 'under the rug'. You have shown her that there are consequences and she is experiencing them. You are taking time to be by yourself and to think. That is what I would do.

The fact that you caught her and she didn't confess is worrying. She will need counseling to figure out why she lied to you for so long. I caught my EX and I will say I wish my Ex expressed some shame, guilt, or remorse. She was too much in the "Affair Fog" and was in "love" with her AP. I wasn't given the choice for reconciliation until after I was done, because she continued the affair for months. My friends that have gone through this fared better with a remorseful spouse. After a few counseling sessions you'll start to see patterns and this will help you decide.

For me the first month was the worst and my emotions started to level out from there. Exercise helped me a lot. You will still have triggers but it won't be as bad for as long. I will say that no matter the choice you make it will take 1-2 years to heal from this. Everyone is of course a little different but you should set those expectations for yourself so that you are not rushing the healing process. If you decide to try reconciling she is going to have to do a lot of the work. WS often press for forgiveness and reconciliation right away. Please take your time.

She is going to have to deal with you being triggered as you deal with this. You will most likely pick fights with her and go through the full range of emotions on bad days, she has to be willing to deal with this. She created this traumatic injury that you have to find a way to heal. A lot of people benefit by having full access to their SO's phone for a few months to confirm nothing is continuing. Long term I'm not sure how healthy it is. Also don't let anyone rush you on making a choice. Many people choose reconciliation very fast and don't take the time to start to process. You won't know whats right for you until you know..with time.

I would start with counseling and see how you feel. You might consider individually counseling for yourself to give a space to vent and work through the different emotions you will be dealing with. One more piece if advice if I may, If a therapist starts to go in a direction that doesn't work for you please change therapists. You are in no way to blame for this, if she had issues she should have talked to you like an adult. I only issue this warning because like all fields there are some bad therapists.

Here are some helpful links- https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/6yny2u/youve_been_betrayed_heres_my_starter_pack/

You might suggest this to her during or after counseling, it will help you gauge how willing she is to work for reconciliation. https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

If you ever need to chat feel free to PM me.

Have him read this: https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X