Reddit Reddit reviews How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

We found 14 Reddit comments about How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.

Books
Healthy Relationships
Love & Romance
Self-Help
How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
Broadway Books
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14 Reddit comments about How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It:

u/lifeofideas · 89 pointsr/pointlesslygendered

I haven’t read this book, but my own mother asked if I knew how to improve a marriage without having to talk about it. And I searched on Amazon and this exists:

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

u/NoFucksLeftOver · 5 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

You read this and see if the resentment can be overcome. See if you can make things just a tiny bit better in some small way, today. That is where you start. You don't have to fix it all at once - you just try to improve one small thing.

Things can come back from the abyss. If you can make it happen, it's very worth it. Sometimes it only takes one person to say "I'm going to do something different today" and that gets the ball rolling. It isn't easy, but it is possible.

I've been married for decades, FWIW, and have been in and out of love many times. That isn't a great metric.

u/wolfie1010 · 4 pointsr/sex

Okay I will share with you and I read in one of your past comments that you consider yourself to be someone with critical thinking skills who reads self help books and tries to better herself. I think if that's true, some of what I say may be of benefit to you.

First, it's no surprise that men and women are different. What we don't always think about is just how dfferent we can be when it comes to what motivates us most with intimate partners. Men and women both want to feel emotionally connected to each other. Men can feel connected like that constantly through sheer physical proximity such as being in the house together even if in seperate rooms. Women need to spend more time engaging through sharing of their anxieties and also their emotional highs to feel very connected.

You can probably think of a time that you and a girlfriend had a heart to heart that started with her telling you that she's very upset with you and feeling very insulted by something you said or did. Your immediate reaction would be to want to talk and resolve and you probably felt alarm and empathy for how she was feeling. You wanted to get somewhere that you could open up to each other. She signaled to you in the way she approached, that she was feeling disconnected with you and she is bringing it up with the intention of reconnecting. She expects that you will want to do the same thing.

Women are driven by a need to feel valued, to be close and connected and to feel secure that they won't be abandoned. They need to know that those they're close to won't cut off their love for them.

If you have tried to open a conversation with a man the same way your friend did with you, you may have noticed his back going up immediately. When you tell a man that he's caused anxiety in you, his first reaction is to feel shamed for making you feel that way. A fight or flight reaction kicks in and he will either try to avoid the conversation and the intensity of your perceived negative emotions towards him, or he will fight you and argue that they're invalid and illogical.

Men are most driven by wanting to avoid the feeling of shame and inadequacy. A man wants to feel capable. He wants to feel like his masculine self is admired by those around him and that the women in his life feel like he's their greatest protector.

What OP has done, reading between the lines, is set off her hubby's fight or flight response. She's exposed her anxiety on the subject of oral sex, and he's admitted he feels like he's not good at it.

This is the most telling part of her post:

> Reason 4: He says it takes too long or that he doesn't know what he's doing. Okay isn't that the way to know by doing it and learning? By him being so temperamental about it, it gives me performance anxiety where there's too much pressure to even enjoy it!

In his most honest moment with her around this he took a great leap of faith and admitted to her that he doesn't feel like he's good at pleasing her with his mouth. This is not easy for men to admit and her reaction clearly wasn't helpful. It amounts to "suck it up and get better". Then she also says he's "being temperamental about it" which is understandable because he's wrestling with feelings of shame during intimate moments with her which amplifies his fight or flight instincts.

Her attempts to talk about how her needs are not being met seem perfectly reasonable to female Rsexers and to feminized men. But she's trying to connect with him the way that she would want him to connect with her (ie: like a woman reconnects with another woman).

If she wants to be successful in getting oral sex from him she needs to talk to him in a way that makes them partners in experimenting and cracking the code - finding the way for him to give her oral sex that is really really good and that she really really enjoys. She's coming at him head on insisting on talking and shining a flashlight on the problem. This will fail.

She needs to change her entire attitude and forget about having a direct heart to heart about her emotions and trying to "figure him out" so he will go down on her.

She needs to approach him with an indirect solution on how to try oral sex again that doesn't activate his shame.

WRONG APPROACH: "Honey, I want to talk to you about how you can't seem to please me with your mouth, I really want to connect with you and understand how you feel about all this so I can fix you and get more oral sex from you.

BETTER APPROACH: "Honey, I stumbled across this awesome video on /r/sex today that got me so fucking hot. It has some stuff in there that I'd love to try with you.

Here's my favourite one by the way: http://extramilf.com/blog/2008/09/23/cunnilingus-lessons-with-nina-hartley-learn-how-to-eat-pussy-right/

By making the video an experience they can both experiment with, instead of making it a remedial effort to fix him and his problem (activating his shame), she has a chance. This will more than likely get him to go down on her to attempt some of the techniques, she can even identify the ones she thinks would work best on her. Men by their nature like to fix things so with some new possible tools from the video he has a reason to try oral with her that avoids triggering his shame.

Once he starts she needs to let go of her own anxiety and make each oral session all about encouraging him doing things that feel good on her pussy. At first especially she can't give too much direction or he'll feel like he's doing it all wrong again. She needs to over dramatize how great it feels when it feels good.

Lots of positive encouragement. Then after a few minutes reward him with praise and by pouncing on his cock.

She shouldn't let the first few sessions go too long because he'll be able to tell when she's not enjoying it. She needs to respond with her voice and her body when it feels good so that he can feel and hear when he's doing something that works for her.

The first few times should in no way be about her orgasming, it is all about helping him figure out that he can pleasure her and how to repeat it.

If you're interested in reading a very well sourced and researched book on communicating with partners without just talking I couldn't recommend this one more: http://www.amazon.ca/Improve-Marriage-Without-Talking-About/dp/0767923189

u/fucksugar · 3 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

He definitely sounds uninterested in talking about things. Most men are. I've just started a book called How to Fix Your Marriage Without Talking About It and it's pretty interesting.

Basically, the harder you try to connect or get close to him, the further he pushes you away. You're working from a place of fear and anxiety, and his motivations for treating you the way he does come from shame. Most of this is subconscious but it affects the way conflict plays out.

With your husband being ill, you being his caretaker and the main breadwinner, it's very likely he's coming from a place of shame when he makes those jokes and withdraws from you. Subconsciously, at least, the most important things to a man are being a protector, a provider and a lover. He's failing at all three right now, so he's in a bad place mentally and it's spilling over into your relationship.

You've been so strong for him and your family and it sucks to hear that basically, you're gonna just have to keep being the strong one, but that's pretty much the deal if you're going to stay.

I totally understand how frustrating it is when you truly believe that the solution to your perceived problem is: more talking, more dates, more closeness and affection. That makes perfect sense in your brain. Those are the things you feel are lacking, so you figure you can just keep pushing for them, asking in different ways and eventually he'll "get it."

He won't. You'll keep banging your head against the wall, so maybe it's time to change your approach.

u/itsrainingpoop · 2 pointsr/relationships

Thank you so much for your response. It's so hard to not talk about it all the time because I'm so concerned and frightened. And I always used to think that talking helped and it's how things got fixed. But I'm starting to find that maybe it's not all in the talking. I was actually just reading about a book called
"How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" and I want to pick it up and give it a read.

I want to dazzle her with my charm and be fun and funny and happy tonight, but I'm afraid it's going to be very hard for me because I'm so hurt and sad, and because I doubt she'll be making it easy for me (as she has been as depressed as me). Maybe I'm worrying too much and it'll be okay. I hope so.

Thanks again for the advice.

u/duffymeadows · 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

Having an affair is so unbelievably destructive. Please do not do it. It hurts your partner (and any children) and it WILL also hurt you. It will destroy any integrity you thought you had and will damage you forever.

You are in therapy and that’s a good step, but it’s not working. I recommend you rent these books from the library. They helped me a ton. I had a similar situation to you except that it had progressed to abuse. He refused to read anything, change anything, or go to therapy. We saw three different couples therapists but he would quit after a session or two - claiming they ganged up on him. I was the only one that read the books or made any changes. It seemed unfair but he eventually responded to my changes. Its not 100% but maybe 80% - up from zero.

Worth a shot!

https://amzn.to/2Nt9diW , https://amzn.to/2WogQv9 and https://amzn.to/2qNeA4X

u/margerym · 1 pointr/RedPillWomen

I've been really wanting to read this book with all of the paleo-fantasizing going on these days and now I am moving it to the top of my list. Of course I am going to need to compare it with Sex at Dawn just out of curiosity. Funny enough it was Sex at Dawn that started to sell me on this way of thinking but that's a whole other conversation. What I find interesting about this is that I first read it in a marriage book a few years back that people were panning because it dared to say there was a difference between the sexes. How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It goes into the attachment thing early on. The whole book runs off it.

Anyway, this has me thinking about a lot of stuff this morning. I may be back later with some things but for now I will let them stew. Thanks for linking!

u/nomdplume · 1 pointr/PurplePillDebate

> But I think the position that looks matter more to women than men, or the position that looks matter to women more than personality/character, outside of specific ONS situations, is wrong. And even in ONS situations, personality matters more to women than it does to men in the same situation, it just matters less than it does for non-ONS.

I agree. I think the 'lookism' crowd are generally on the wrong track (not that looks don't matter, but that looks aren't primary, especially in relationships).

But instead of 'personality', I would say 'masculinity', or, at least, those traits traditionally associated with masculinity, such as ambition, assertiveness, leadership, confidence, resourcefulness, charisma, etc. (I'm thinking of the four main masculine archetypes here)

>And my friend? Thinks he's the manliest man who ever manned.

So, one of two things could be happening here. Either 'finicky vegan nancy-boy' leaves out a lot of qualities he has, or she is attracted to a very different idea of masculinity.

And there are women like that. I know of at least one. But they aren't really that common, and IME they tend to be generally anxious/insecure/timid and/or reclusive/antisocial alterno-types who can be intimidated by the idea of intimacy with 'masculine' men. Unless a guy is really interested in targeting that demographic, though, more traditional masculinity is probably a better way to go.

>Ask 10 women to describe attractive masculinity to you, get 10 different answers.

Do you think that they deviate significantly from the four archetypes though? (King, Warrior, Magician, Lover)

With the exception of cases like the one I identified above, I don't find that women are that different in their preferences.

Now, of course women are going to be more drawn to certain qualities than others, and it's rare to find a man who is full-on masculine in every way, so they may be highlighting the masculinity they respond to in the men whom they tend to attract. But most 'masculine' guys that I know seem to do pretty well with all types of women.

>It just makes me think that either Man X talking about never, never, never showing emotion or weakness has had very bad luck with women

I think for a lot of men who don't have a lot of stoicism/strength/masculinity, the 'never ever' is a good mantra to live by. That way, they might hit the right balance compared to their generally emo ways.

>She doesn't want to emotionally babysit you the way one babysits a child, she doesn't want you to start throwing dishes around and screaming when you burn the steak, but she's actually eager to help and provide support when some real shit happens to you.

This is so full of subjective judgements that it is entirely unhelpful for most guys, IMO. What is an emotional babysitter? When is expressing emotions 'manly' and when is it 'childish'? What qualifies as 'real shit'?

I mean, I get it - if the dude's dad just died, most women will be there to support him and are not put off by his open expression of grief. But at what point do they expect him to snap out of it and carry on like normal? One week? Three weeks? Two months? At what point does she feel more like the emotional babysitter?

I mean, I had to learn this stuff first hand over the past few years, and it wasn't a pretty learning process. The outcome? I had to shut my shit down hardcore, at least that's what I feel I am doing. Things have gotten better since I've done that.

I think the fact that so many men are so afraid to show emotion indicates that something is going on besides just their own neuroses. I think this article lays out the case fairly well.

The other issue is that, while I have no doubt that women want to be supportive, what if she has her own stress and emotional reactions in the situation? Dude loses his job. He's devastated. She wants to be supportive, but she's terrified. How are they going to pay the bills? Is she going to have to take a second job? So he starts telling her that he doesn't know what he's going to do - he's not sure anyone else is hiring (this happened a lot in the Great Recession). She wants to encourage him and buck him up, but him saying that scares her even more, so any encouragement comes with a healthy dose of her own 'get your shit together man!' feelings. Which makes him feel even worse about his failure to keep his job or his livelihood or whatever. And on down the spiral they go.

There was a good article written about that sort of problem.
(EDIT: link isn't working - I'll try to repost when it comes back online, which I hope it will)
(EDIT 2: found another article one the subject - it's not as good as the first, but it'll give the idea)

Also, a book. (As I understand it - it's on my reading list and I'm hoping to get to it soon so I'll be able to confirm, lol)


u/bunilde · 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

It is a standoff. She resents you for emotionally neglecting her, you resent her for sexually depriving you. You don't want to do anything because it doesn't feel natural or authentic. How does it get authentic when it comes from a place of score-keeping and resentment? It may feel awkward and forced in the beginning, but as you get more comfortable and used to expressing yourself and being affectionate with her, maybe it will get easier.

[Since you said you don't like talking...] (https://www.amazon.com/Improve-Marriage-Without-Talking-About/dp/0767923189/ref=pd_aw_sim_14_3/136-4451667-9163925?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=CZ0Y20QEK00JA1FRSQ23)

[Oldie but goodie] (https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts-ebook/dp/B00OICLVBI/ref=pd_aw_sim_sbs_351_of_7?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=EWWR2K9HFR8XJGSX0DGR)

[This is a lot of work, but you have to do it together and it might bring you closer] (https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0553447718/ref=sspa_mw_detail_0?ie=UTF8&psc=1)

[I haven't read this one, but I've read something else with a similar idea (the writers were an English couple but goddamnit I can't think of the title), and maybe you can try the suggestions] (https://www.amazon.com/1001-Ways-Be-Romantic-More-ebook/dp/B004MME71K?keywords=english+romance+couple+ideas&qid=1537541693&sr=8-3&ref=mp_s_a_1_3)

u/merchat44 · 1 pointr/Marriage

LOLLL I just laughed out loud about the breath thing.

I’m super sorry about the affair. That’s terrible. Your very strong to want to work through it. I really hope things turn around for you. Thank you for the suggestion on the book. I also have a suggestion on one we recently read which gave us both a lot of insight and I did notice a change in behaviour after reading it. Here’s the link for amazon. It was really insightful and helpful. Every night we would read a few pages together and they had some quizzes in there as well that you can take and discuss.

https://www.amazon.ca/dp/0767923189/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_guzdCbWPB8KVP_nodl

I really appreciate your honesty and advice!

u/Criticalthinking346 · 1 pointr/iamatotalpieceofshit

No I am a mental health provider with a graduate degree and often like reading relationship dynamic books. This information is in Dr Patricia Love and Dr Steven Stosny book how to improve you marriage without talking about it. . No need to make bullshit assumptions.

u/DariusWolfe · 1 pointr/MensLib

I can relate to some of what you describe here. I have a hard time processing emotions that are more complicated than happy/angry. Things like sad, anxious, afraid are really easy to just express as anger or irritability, because there's usually a cause or target for you to focus on, rather than having to deal with your internal space, where there are no easy solutions.

Finding out who you really are is a difficult process that involves asking a lot of questions. Like "what do I consider important?" Then following that question up with a series of "Why?" until you've dug down deep enough that you can't ask again.

For instance, you might consider working out important. Why? Because you value physical fitness. Why? Because it's part of being healthy and capable? Why do you value health (or capability; the question may branch at this point)? Because I want to live without being tired or sick all the time, or dying early. Why do you want to live a long time? Because I want to experience all life has to offer. Like what? Like watching my kids grow up and have successful lives of their own. Why? Because I love my kids. Why? Because... they're my kids?

If your questioning follows this line, then you know one of the roots of your love of working out is that you love your kids. Likely it has other roots as well, and following those lines of thought will give you a better idea of who you are and what you value.

Once you know what you value, you can start evaluating your choices in light of those values, and evaluating alternate choices based on how they relate to your values.

Another thing is that it's hard to live a lot of this stuff out loud. Don't ever try to change who you are like a set of clothes. Work on yourself privately, and you'll see the outward behaviors changing as a result; Trying to change the behaviors first will rarely work; Only focus on curbing behaviors that are actively harmful (violence, slurs, etc.); Working from root causes will cause the rest of the behaviors to change naturally over time.

A book I found to be very insightful (though I found it after it was too late for my first marriage) is "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It". It focuses on men, since we're (stereo)typically the ones who avoid talking about our problems or feelings, but the behaviors are pretty generally helpful. The basic idea is what I talked about above; Working on yourself to change the outward expression of yourself by focusing on the positive aspects of your true self, and through improving your expression of self, improving your relationship by extension.

u/YouCanGoYourOwnWay_ · 0 pointsr/MGTOW

I made this login to reply. I usually only lurk because this is not a space for me.

I've been married for almost 20 years to an amazing guy. He is the smartest person I know, top of his field, physically strong. He would take you limb from limb if you tried to hurt me or one of our kids - but he would just laugh if I tried to make him sleep on the couch. He is also softer-hearted than I am. After all this time he is the only man I've desired since the day I met him, and I love him more now than when we married. When I see the internet talk about alpha/beta, red/blue-pill, I wonder where are the guys who won't take shit off anybody, but are still big-hearted?

I got interested in what men were really thinking about things after one of my friends got divorced. She was the breadwinner, and her husband quit working, got fat, didn't do anything around the house or with the kids, basically played X-box all day, and was kind of a needy, whiny twerpy guy. I was totally disgusted by his behavior, and also by how he went after her in the divorce - she gave him primary custody because he had spent the most time with the kids, was paying tremendous child support to him - and he still managed to take tens of thousands of dollars that wasn't supposed to be his.

What bothered me the most about this situation was realizing how much I had become like him as my kids went to school and I didn't have a lot to do all day, and we were living in a place where I couldn't work (visa status). How he was simply doing all the things women encourage each other to do in a divorce. I realized, why is this okay for women to do and not for men? Why was I so disgusted by what he was doing if I would applaud it in a female friend? Why was he so gross when we could reverse genders and it would look unnervingly like me? My thinking on all of this changed - and it was a huge wakeup call for me personally. I started thinking about how wrecked my father, my grandfather, and my FIL were by women, totally destroyed.

My own marriage had hit a low spot at this time, too. In the end, even though I thought I was being a great wife - I was faithful, and careful with spending, never said no to sex, kept the house clean, kept him totally supported & ready to go to work every day... he was still very unhappy, and I was unhappy because I felt I couldn't please him. He lost interest in me physically, and I got so depressed about this that I gained a lot of weight - which only made him less interested, of course.

What I wasn't doing was being strong enough emotionally and confident enough in myself to let him be himself. I wouldn't argue about anything he wanted to buy or hobbies he wanted to do, or ways he wanted to spend his time, I didn't try to control him in any way... but I was emotionally needy and kept him kind of drained. There wasn't room in our relationship for him to have a bad day and need emotional support because I took up all of that. I put my every emotion out there, begging for him to understand me and for us to somehow feel connected, and it never happened. He just pulled farther and farther away. Meanwhile I was pretty confused about how I could think I was doing everything right and he didn't appreciate or respect any of it. I was turning myself inside out to please him - but when you talk about how selfish women are? I was being selfish in the worst way, emotionally, without knowing what I was doing.

When I read here, I don't think, "aw you haven't met the right woman yet" because it took me 20 years to learn what I wasn't taught growing up, and I'm still learning. Now I'm trying to teach my daughter. I don't know many women who aren't kind of awful in some way. I look through our families and we have no good examples of women, really. Reading here gives me insight into what men are really going through - you're kind of the worst case scenario, so disgusted that you've walked away from women totally, so you're pretty honest about exactly why, not pulling any punches. You don't try to soften the blow because you don't care what we think - and there's a lot of value in that for women, if they can listen and not speak.

I've had a theory for a long time that men are the stronger gender physically, and women are the stronger gender emotionally. As in, a man could kill a woman with his hands... but a woman can break a man emotionally in no time at all. There is a lot of focus on men not hurting women physically, but women are not taught that this emotional strength means you can't wield it as a weapon. You have to use what you're capable of and be in charge of these emotions you're so good at identifying and understanding. The age of "venting" is completely destructive. The fact that I am emotionally stronger than my spouse means this is my primary job: to keep my shit together so that I can support everyone else emotionally. It means I can't take it personally when my husband snaps at me because he's had a long day (I have to step back and say, "do you need some time to yourself, or do you need me to put down what I'm doing and give you some attention right now?"). I have to realize that when he's had a horrible day and needs me to be there, he isn't going to tell me what happened - he needs me to rub his back and NOT make him talk about it and NOT make emotional demands on him. If he needs to be left alone, it means I need to leave him alone and not take it personally or be unhappy about it - if I just go make myself happy somewhere else, he will cheer up faster. It means when I am moody, I have to go for a run instead of trying to make my husband deal with it. In particular I have to set this example for my daughter and correct her when she misuses her "power". I can't fix the world, but I can work on myself and I can try to teach her a better way.

The hardest part of all is that when he has a complaint about me or my behavior, I have to take it, and just listen, and usually apologize, and not try to justify or turn it around or make it about his failings instead. And this might be the worst thing of all: that we women do this constantly to men, maybe daily. But when it is reversed we cannot deal with it at all. We can't self-analyze or take the criticism, at all. I'm trying to learn how. This is one thing I mean by women being emotionally stronger: I can take any conversation and flip it around on him. I have to make myself NOT do this. It is shameful how hard it is. It shames me that for nearly 2 decades he did not feel he could say these things to me at all, but I freely criticized him all the time.

FWIW, I think women were taught this by example at some points in history - but aren't now.

It's kind of shocking that my house isn't as well kept now (I'm retraining so that I can get a higher-paying job and contribute more financially, now that our kids are older), I'm not as beautiful as I was ten years ago, but my husband loves me more now than he ever has, and desires me more than ever (we have more sex now than when we were newlyweds!) simply because I'm learning how to use my emotional strength in the proper way. When I read MGTOW, the only thing I find sad is how we women are driving men to such an extreme by being so emotionally abusive. I don't think most women know how awful they're being - they haven't been taught what it means to be emotionally mature.

It also serves as a reminder to me, when I read here, to keep striving to be better, to not fall into old patterns. A great book that was recommended to me by a man and helped me to see what women can do to men (and how to be better) was this one.