Reddit reviews How to Talk so Kids Will Listen...And Listen So Kids Will Talk

When I was reading your description...

>My son said Ant Man - which wasn't even an option - and so I asked my SD (6) what her choice would be. She chose Spider Man. So I picked Spider Man since it actually WAS an option. Well, my son didn't like that.

...it seemed pretty obvious to me that, unless you left out a lot of intermediate steps, from his perspective you asked him what he wanted and then immediately and unilaterally dismissed it. You didn't even attempt to explain until it was too late and emotions were boiling over. He didn't understand why it happened, he had no opportunity to correct and choose an existing option, and he had no opportunity to collaborate on a solution with his sister.

If you can imagine your husband asking you and your daughter your opinions on where to eat out, then simply saying "Ok, we are going to Daughter's restaurant" without a hint of discussion, you can imagine how dismissed you would feel. It would have been nice if he'd simply said, "the Italian place isn't open on Sundays, do you have another idea?"

Ignoring harmless "bad" behavior whenever possible is one of the primary strategies recommended by behaviorists (it is well supported by research; even negative attention works as a reinforcer), so the latter part of your interaction was perfect from that perspective. One of the issues I have with behaviorism, though, is that it is primarily reactive and doesn't do anything to address underlying causes. In this case, the tantrum could have been easily avoided to begin with. If you're curious about strategies in that vein, you should take a look at How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and (in regards to cooperating on choosing a story) Siblings Without Rivalry.

Always check out your local library for these recommendations first. These are mostly the books I liked enough to buy after reading.

Parenting books that I've liked best:

Adele Faber's "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk". This book has exercises to try and breaks things down by different ages so you can refer to it whether you're having trouble with toddlers or teenagers. I also have her companion book Siblings Without Rivalry.

Kim John Payne's Simplicity Parenting. This book emphasizes the importance of developing routines, helps emphasize that you DON'T need to get tons of toys or extra activities for your kids, and helps you organize your life even if your life is a little crazified by frequent job traveling or divorced parenting or stuff like that.

I... can't remember my other favorite book. Might've been a book for baby ages.

Now, for read-alouds. There are lots of nursery rhyme books, my personal favorite is Sylvia Long's Mother Goose, but my kids are really fond of Iona Opie and Rosemary Wells' Mother Goose. Either way, I recommend the ones that have only one nursery rhyme per page. The classic collections by Blanche Fisher Wright tend to have six or eight crammed on to each page and their illustrations don't hold my kids' attention as well. With one rhyme per page, as they get older they can remember what each page's rhyme is and can "read" it to themselves.

Alice Shertle's Little Blue Truck book is probably the #1 most favorite board book in the 1-2 year old range. Seriously. If you get only one read-aloud book, this is it. Other than that, hit up the board books at your library. I've found a ton that I like and a bunch that get recommended (like Sandra Boynton's books) that don't personally appeal to me. I love Leslie Patricelli's books, but I bet she drives other parents crazy to read.

You sound like an awesome father. Your son is lucky to have you. My son has a sensory processing disorder and he is considered a "explosive child." Doctors think he might be on the spectrum. I am happy your son is able to attend ABA therapy. One thing that helped me with my 5 year old was this book: https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/0743525086

This book also helped me to understand how frustration and not being able to deal with dissapointment was at the heart of some of his anger: https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3HZXLLH7AYKGW&keywords=explosive+child&qid=1554916295&s=books&sprefix=explossive+%2Cstripbooks%2C147&sr=1-1

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I also started to give him CBD gummiest. I only give him 3 mg. His explosive anger has greatly subsided. He is a different kid. He still has major meltdowns but I would say they have been reduced by 40% in frequency and intensity. Other people have posted on the CBD with kids issue. If you use the search function you can find some of those threads.

Good luck to you. please report back if you decide to use CBD with your child. I am sure there are other parents who would like to know more.

Verbalize your empathy for him: "It sounds like you wish you didn't have to share. Sharing is so tough sometimes, huh? I wish we had a million bags of pretzels so no one had to share!"

Also, read this book: https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/0743525086

I understand your fears. My parents did so many things wrong and I was scared about making the same mistakes and pressured myself hard to make better and different choices with my kid.

I can tell you that you won't make the same mistakes. What other parents told me (before I was parent) was the fact that if I'm even worried about it now, I will already make me a better parent. Shitty parents don't worry about stuff like this.

I would suggest probably getting some therapy to work out whatever fears/issues you have before having kids. I started therapy when my kid was 2 because I was struggling (they're 13 now) because I didn't feel confident in what I was doing. Honestly, I don't know any parent that feels 100% confident, but you can feel like you're doing a pretty good job.

Children need to feel that they can succeed through their own efforts. This is why helicopter parenting is really detrimental. If you never let them strike out on their own, how will they learn and grow from their mistakes and choices? How will they gain confidence when they overcome an obstacle and succeed if you're doing everything for them?

Your kids will always need your help. Your job is to help them realize that through learning, natural consequences, and internal validation, they can and will be successful, capable, and confident adults.

I really liked these parenting books here:

https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/0743525086

And this one: https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1504723615&sr=1-1&keywords=mindset

And this one here (and I'd still recommend it to parents of boys as well. Doesn't matter if you have only boys): https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-Guiding-Teenage-Transitions-Adulthood/dp/0553393073/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1504723655&sr=1-1&keywords=untangled

This is also a really interesting read and has helped me as well: https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_14?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=the+child+whisperer&sprefix=The+Child+whis%2Cstripbooks%2C139&crid=26CCWQN87K6MP

Also a therapy technique called Inner Bonding. Anyone can learn it and it's easy to teach to kids as well: /r/ibtherapy.

The Manual Dr. Faye Snyder

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen

The Self-Respecting Child by Alison Stallibrass

The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff

Those are just a few.

If you're confused about why this conversation went down the way it did, there is a book called How to Talk so Kids Will Listen...And Listen So Kids Will Talk you should read. Though it is (obviously) aimed at new parents attempting communication with small children, just about everything it says (surprise!) applies to people of all ages.

Your question's wording reminded me of "the book."

https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/0743525086

How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk.