Reddit reviews How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7

>angry entitled brat

One thing science has shown us about labels is that they become self-fulfilling prophecy. We act in ways that encourage others to live up (or down) to our expectations.


>Once i started working however my dad and mom would take him to and from school and then watch him until the evenings ... Well i recently quit my job...

You had not been his primary caretaker for a long while. Your expectations are significantly different from his previous caretakers. From his perspective, this is a big transition. (Which is punctuated daily by the transition from school to home.)

>after he would calm down id talk to him about how disrespectful he is and how i will not put up with his attitude and how ugly he acts in front of me, his teacher and his friends. I'd usually also punish him and send him to his room

None of this negative stuff helps him in coping with the transition or rebuilding your relationship. It does just the opposite. If you're going to use behaviorist methods, do what the research shows actually works: focus on praising and rewarding the little things he gets right rather than focusing on punishing the things he gets wrong.

But I'm not a behaviorist myself. I'd rather focus on empathy and problem-solving to get things done. Some good books that focus on this are How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen (the rest of the How to Talk series are also good, and I might particularly recommend Siblings Without Rivalry) and Raising Human Beings.

Hi I was in your shoes.ok, here is what I think. First and foremost. You need to deeply understand that a child is not a young adult. They think fundamentally different from you. Don't expect them to be rational. They will get upset because carrots touched peas. It's not rational. Stop expecting them to be rational. Once you a accept that they are irrational you will feel better.

Second, realize that they don't have the see emotional control that adults have. They aren't going to develop it after a certain year.nor are they going to learn it by observation alone. It is a skill that has to be explicitely taught. I mean develop an actually well informed plan that will teach them how to regulate their emptions then implement it using pretend play. Use his stuffed animals to simulate what is appropriate. You have to teach them these skills. The biggest mistake you can make is that he will just magically know. Has to be taught. After teaching him, practice over and over.

Third, stop saying calm down. Stupidest thing an adult could say to an upset child. That's like saying to a teenager, hey do algebra when they haven't been taught or given experience practising how to do algebra. Stop saying calm down.

Four, realize that kids and married life is not driven by tour desire for efficiency. Family life is often inefficient. Acept that things are inefficient and that your kid will want to do things in a slow way. Let him do it slow.

Buy this book: https://www.amazon.com/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/150113163X
Don't delaym buy it right now. Don't make excuses. Stop pretending you will get it later. But it right now. It gives very specific parenting techniques that you can start using immediately. Seriously, buy it now.

Lastly, you will have to change your attitude in desiring freedom.so many men think the point of life is to pursue happiness and that is done thru freedom. Major lie. Life is about being respnsibikity and pursuing meaning. What brings meaning? Personal development, family, confronting your own problems and learning to deal with them. Stop pursuing happiness. Be the man your child deserves. Reject passivity.
Good luck

Ooh, I have three recommendations. I am RBB also. I didn't have a clue starting out, and I was scared to death. My two kids are now mostly grown, 17 and 21.

When your baby is 2:
1-2-3 Magic
https://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Children/dp/0963386190

How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7
https://www.amazon.com/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/150113163X (This is new to me, but written by the daughter of the author of the original, below, got great reviews and is based on the same respect principles of the first one)

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (school-age Kids)
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889

You know what surprised me about parenting? How much your kids WANT to please you. They can be plenty feisty (uncooperative) sometimes, but usually I found that was for a predictabel reason. With little ones, it was because they were hangry or tired. I had to learn from another mother that my kids was throwing herself on the ground because she needed to eat at regular intervals (it was mealtime, and the other mother recognized the signs).

My kids really wanted to please me and my husband. The most important thing, I found, was to make it easy for them to please us (picking our battles, having reasonable boundaries--which kids need and push for, and treating them with respect). If we weren't assholes, they were mostly cooperative. Funny how that works.

I wish I had worried less. My kids love me and I love them. It was tiring, but not HARD to build a happy family together, and I learned far more from them about how to love than they ever learned from me, because it comes NATURALLY to human families (except where love is tortured out of you by BPD or other dysfunction). I'm pretty bummed because my younger has terrible anxiety and depression recently, she says due to academic stress. Sometimes I think I was a bad parent and my husband and I passed down our shitty legacy from our own parents: We both have PD parents. My younger says not, but I dunno. She struggled because I was down for the count for several years while she was in middle school and being bullied. More about that below. My elder calls me every day from college and loves her father and my company. They both love us. Weird, right?

About my younger and why I was unable to be a good parent a few years back: I stayed in contact with my abusive mother and she was totally incorporated into my family because she lives only a few minutes away and has no one else. Of course. My health suffered. I developed chronic pain that all but destroyed my life. Since I found out about being RBB, and admitted to myself and others that I was abused and actually hate my mother, my pain all but disappeared!!! This just happened. I am furious. My uBPD mother is the gift that just keeps on giving. If my being out of commission laid the foundation for my beautiful daughter's current depression, I want to kill my mother. What I am trying to say is that the most important thing for you to raise your baby so she/he is emotionally healthy is for YOU to acknowledge and heal from your own abuse, and protect yourself from your BPD parent NOW. In my experience, you can only do that by distancing yourself from your BPD parent. I thought everything was fine because I had set very strong boundaries, never allowed my kids to be alone with her when they were young (after I saw troubling manipulative behavior with my younger, age 2), and basically had almost not a cross word with my mother in 20 years. The thing is, she turned into a waif, and I didn't know I was still being abused by BPD, just differently.

I don't mean to preach. I'm just positive that BPD is very, very damaging to us and--through us--to our little ones, even if we don't think so.

Good luck. Babies are adorable. And hard. But adorable.

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I had to let my first toddler teach me how to accept hugs. The baby stage was fine: lots of cuddling happened, but when she was a toddler I became aware that when she ran at me for a hug I often froze. I remember the same reaction from when I was a teenager and all the other girls were touchy-feely and I would just want to crawl away so no-one would touch me, and then be ashamed that I couldn't be affectionate like all the other squealing girls. Thanks, Mom. With my little one, I resolved to remember to breathe, drop to her level and MAKE myself stay still fr a hug. I also made up a rule for myself that I would never let go first: We were done when she decided we were done. Isn't that sad? Anyway, I soon learned to LOVE her hugs. And, of course, to set reasonable boundaries, because it isn't always hugging time, right? She learned to wait sometimes, and I learned to accept hugs.

RBB, man. It sucks.

>but his general compliance skills are lacking, and that needs fixed.

He's 3 and this is normal. I recommend the book "How to Talk so Kids will Listen"

I don't have experience with this yet, as my baby just turned 1, but I just finished reading the book "How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen" Link to Amazon it seems like it might help you here. I think the advice from that book would be, acknowledge her feelings by saying something like, "you hate getting ready for bed. wouldn't it be fun if you were a giraffe, that only had to sleep 30 minutes a day!?" And hopefully acknowledging her feelings will get some more insight into why she doesn't actually want to fall asleep or get ready for the day. Sorry if that doesn't help much, but i 100% recommend the book!

i'm sorry things are so stressful! hopefully you'll find something that works to calm her down soon! and good luck with your new work routine!

Like others have said it's all about the positive language and setting boundaries in a way that he'll understand. I highly recommend the book "How to talk so little kids will Listen"
How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 https://www.amazon.com/dp/150113163X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_BlBxzbHW6Y345

It's a quick read that will give you a lot of great tools and examples of ways to use them. It'll take some time and effort to change your approach and the language you use, but I promise you will see instant results. I have worked with toddlers for the last 8 years and I remember how frustrated I was when I first started. I felt just like you describe. It seemed like I was always saying no and my approach felt negative and ineffective. After taking child development courses and reading a lot of books I gained tools that actually worked and made my days so much easier and happier! Toddlers are still going to test boundaries and you'll have difficult days no matter what, but a different approach will make things so much more enjoyable.

You asked for books/resources, so here's one:

How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7

It's by the same authors as the old classic How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, And Listen So Kids Will Talk, but focused more on younger children. Honestly when you try to implement some of the strategies in the book you can't help but become more self-aware of your own knee-jerk reactions to your kids.

How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen / Faber

https://www.amazon.com/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/150113163X

I also loved What to Expect the First Year, Happiest Baby On the Block, and books about Elimination Communication (We read the Diaper Free Baby. I thought it'd be cuckoo, it's pretty down to earth, we use the techniques.... with diapers.) Also Rachel Coley's Begin With A Blanket and Simple Play

Oh hon, I feel you. This gets me because I felt the same way. I still do. I have a 19 month old toddler.

Start here: Parenting from the Inside Out.

This book will really help you decipher your family, and really give you hope and tools for not reproducing their problems onto your little beauty of a tiny awesome person.

It's pretty straightforward and incredibly useful.

Then read this and this. Yes read them while you're pregnant because again they will give you hope and insight.

Buy this book and start reading it now too. We call it the Baby Bible in our house.

It's a survival manual for the first year of their life. It has everything. I don't know how many times we've pulled it down and flipped to the index at 2:00 am. It's better than Google. It's fantastic. (That said, it has an angle like all parenting books, even though it tries not to. They are attachment parenting writers. Nothing wrong with attachment parenting per se, just an awareness all parenting books have angles, even the impartial ones.)

Also, if you're anything like me, avoid all the happy, glowing, blowing-stardust-and-glitter-up-your-ass, pregnancy books out there. These did nothing but enrage me. I'm talking about What to Expect and similar. Unless you like stardust and bullshit, avoid avoid avoid.

Basically if you go to a thrift store and there's 8 copies of the damn pregnancy or parenting book on the shelf, don't buy it.

Instead check out books like this and this and this.

Now I haven't read those exact books, unlike all my other recommendations above, all of which I've personally read as a scared, overwhelmed pregnant lady or new mom. But as long as you stay in the 'brutally honest' lane and away from the 'syrupy sweet, guilt laden, shame' lane, then you'll be fine.

Even in 2019 there's a mountain of mommy advice bullshit books out there. Keep your instincts and your wits about you, don't forget who you are. Stay strong. And work on yourself with books like Parenting from the Inside Out and the How to Talk books.

Another vote for both of the Emily Oster books, and the best practical book I've read is Heading Home with Your Newborn. Also this one's not a pregnancy book but I would strongly recommend How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen if you're at all scared of the toddler through kinder stage. It's an entertaining read that aligns well with developmental psychology and has all these really funny real life examples of using the strategies from the book.

If I had to only pick a handful, I'd pick those.

I also liked the Ina May book which people will recommend a lot, but keep in mind it really is exclusively about childbirth and it's a bit crunchier than the average (though this pertains to the birth stories included more than Ina May's actual writing IMO). There's a good interview with her on the Longest Shortest Time podcast that addresses some of the things I felt the book could have benefited from stating outright to avoid sounding a little preachy at times.

If you're looking for like a detailed read that starts with absolute basics that would be especially good for anyone who hasn't researched much on pregnancy before, I would recommend Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn: The Complete Guide. It's as thick as a textbook but it doesn't read like one. They have a page in most sections directly speaking to partners as well, which is neat.

This is a fantastic resource for how to talk to the kids:
https://www.amazon.com/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/150113163X
Some of it seems hokey, but I've used some of the techniques from it and it's amazing how it works.

Also be sure you have a big discussion with your bf about expectations, to ensure that you're setting yourself up for success with the kids. Ideally, he should continue to be the disciplinarian in this first phase of you being around, and you shouldn't be doling out any of the punishments. Your job is to bond with the kids and support your boyfriend as he parents. Later on down the line, you may be taking on a more parental role, but you've got to establish the trust between you and the kiddos first. If he's a really involved dad who takes all the responsibility of raising the kids, then it can be YOUR choice what things you want to do to help out (if anything) without the cloud of expectation over your head, so you can easily bow out if things are starting to get overwhelming.

We had a wonderful, cooperative 3 year old until about a month ago and then suddenly he stopped listening to anything we said. He started refusing to get in his car seat, or get dressed for dinner, or anything. We started yelling more and feeling horrible about it but we were at our wits end.

A friend of mine recommended this book https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/150113163X/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o06_s01?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I'm about halfway through it and it's honestly amazing. It's been a huge help. It's basically a book of tactics that I can try out to see what works.

I recently read “how to talk so little kids will listen”. It was a game changer for me!
https://www.amazon.com/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/150113163X

Main points to start on is to acknowledge their feelings. You don’t have to give in but you can say “I would be mad too!”etc. and instead of saying “but” (negates your previous sentence) I say “the problem is”. “ I know you want to read 5 more books, the problem is that it’s bedtime. How about we leave them out to read them first think in the morning?”

Everything about kids development from when they are a baby to when they are a teenager is about their emotions. They feel new emotions or emotions to a greater extent as they age and they learn how to handle them. Sometimes that handling results in inappropriate behavior. So, although his behavior needs to be addressed the more important issue is the emotion that is causing the behavior. It's likely some kind of frustration that you didn't even know was happening. It can be difficult to get it out of them though. I really like this bookas it has a number of strategies to communicate better with kids.

As for the school thing, my wife is a teacher and has had classes like this. It's difficult to balance the needs of the classroom when you have kids that are always acting up. The school can only do so much. I live in Ontario though and we have two public school boards for every region and if it was my kid and he was that young I would probably try and transfer him. I know that's not an option everywhere though.

It’s not just a talk through method, it’s trying to understand where the child is coming from and setting up the child for success in terms of behavior. It’s helpful to understand child development and psychology. Talking through and not using physical punishment does not equate to not setting up firm boundaries and guidelines for your child to encourage good behavior. Here are some helpful books and resources:

https://www.amazon.com/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/150113163X

http://www.janetlansbury.com/

There is an update to "How to Talk," written by one of the original author's daughters (she has her own credentials, btw). I just purchased it and plan to dig into it - it's geared for kids 2-7, so I think it'll be more helpful for me right now!

If you haven't already checked this one out, I HIGHLY recommend: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/150113163X/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
I share this resource with families and also teachers/instructors that work with young children. I have had families tell me that it has given them all of the tools they need to understand what their child is trying to communicate and also how to manage those emotions.

Also, try to offer some calming exercises like balloon belly breathing (eyes closed, picture there is a balloon in your belly and breathe in to fill it up and breathe out to let the air out) with her when you start to see that "monkey mind" starting.

Finally, I can't not promote something that I designed for parents just like you. Please check out
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/yourchime/your-chime-a-book-and-calming-tool-for-children

Best of luck to you! I hope that you remember that it is those independent, ruthlessly stubborn kids that have the most leadership potential. It is your job as a parent to keep her alive (obviously) and show her that she can use those super powers that she has for good when she learns to control her emotions. I have no doubt that your daughter will be an amazing leader someday.