Reddit reviews I Can't Get Over It: A Handbook for Trauma Survivors

I'm 32 atm, suffered a decade of childhood sexual abuse. I managed to leave as a late teen, and was aided by others to get on track, but by then I had already formed a good number of maladaptive coping mechanisms, some of which sadly have survived to this day. I wish I could've gotten help at an earlier age, because it might have helped me heal faster instead of just repressing things until it one day blew up in my face.

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As some have stressed, therapy for both her and yourselves. Do some reading up and gain some insight on C-PTSD and dissociative behaviors. Rent some books on surviving trauma, they can be very insightfull. And remember that she must heal, not repress. That means actually facing what happened and trying to process it, instead of trying to forget. If she represses, the memories might come through in nightmares either way.

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Things to watch for and some tips:

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Maladaptive daydreaming: If she might seem aloof good parts of the days, help her find creative outlets which keeps her mind focused in the here and now. Trauma victims will tend to live in their heads, searching for relief and answers there.

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Self harm: This can come in different forms and be hidden easily. From seeking out danger, to borderline behavior, to physically harming oneself through repetitive head banging or cutting to release tension and pain.

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Hypersensitivity: Be carefull with triggers, loud noises. Think well before you invite her to certain activies, parties, etc...

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Nightmares: Perhaps it could help if she slept with a little nightlight or something that might keep her company at night. ( A plushie, a blanket, anything that might comfort her.)

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Autonomy: This one is important. She will want to regain control but probably doesn't understand she can yet. A good point to discuss with a therapist.

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Loneliness: Watch Kurzgesagt on youtube, the video loneliness - and focus on point 3. She WILL have issues with bonding and friendships, and point 3 in said video will clarify why. https://youtu.be/n3Xv_g3g-mA (Thanks u/gilliandrew !)

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Therapy animal: If you have the time and money, perhaps look into getting a therapy animal? Or adopting an animal which could be tested and trained for said purpose.

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And last but not least: Thank you for saving her from a far worse fate. You WILL have changed her life, and she WILL know that.

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Edit: Thank you kind stranger for my first ever reddit gold! I hope my story and tips can help others who might need it as well.

Edit: Thanks for the additional silver! And for those asking for literature: Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman was particularly helpfull for me.

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Here are some valuable addittions by fellow trauma survivors! Thank you all for the suggestions and turning this into a better and more complete list!

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>PTSD generally presents in a way that’s less outwardly noticeable in women, and if she’s been conditioned to hide her feelings and stay quiet for fear of being punished (which is sounds like she has) she will be even more likely to hide her symptoms and downplay her experiences. By u/ficklefern
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>Also a childhood trauma overcomer here. I also think that “The Body Keeps the Score” is the best book on trauma and cPTSD (complex PTSD - a variant due to developmental trauma) along with “The drama of the Gifted Child”. If you read nothing else, these too should give you all you need. In modalities, a trauma-informed therapist, EMDR (r/EMDR) and Neurofeedback (r/Neurofeedback) are precious life-changing tools. by u/dargere
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>Some other people posted some books, but one that really helped me when I was diagnosed was "I Can't Get Over It" It's a "trauma survivor's guidebook" and it was sort of a self workbook, which I really liked because therapy did nothing for me.
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>It includes various exercises and techniques and had chapters on different things, such as what caused the trauma and various symptoms you might have, etc. I found it incredibly helpful. It even talked about dealing with how people might not accept/believe or might dismiss your trauma and how painful that can be.
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>Amazon Link: "I Can't Get Over It" by u/spectralhues
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>The Body keeps the Score by Van der Kolk.
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>The one on CPTSD by Pete Walker. by u/crosswalk_zebra

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First of all, thank you for taking a vested interest in the healing of your daughter. You are both in my thoughts and I hope you both begin to heal (don't discount your own trauma, please, you need to take care of yourself).

Well, I was a very angry child. My mother knew that my sisters had been sexually abused and although she did not tell me, she wanted me to go to therapy to address it. They just kind of waited for something to naturally come up. I was probably 13 at this time. I told my therapist that I kept having this reoccurring dream about grandpa in the bathroom, and that it would make me sick, but it was probably nothing.

I am not dumb, so I was able to piece things together. My oldest sister was vocal about being a child sexual abuse survivor, and my grandfather was eventually jailed for raping another girl in his neighborhood. As an adult, I reasoned that it probably happened to me, but I could not confirm this. That's what really messed me up.

It wasn't until two years ago, at age 24, that I point-blank asked my mom if I was raped as a child. And she told me that when I was three years old, I told her that my grandpa raped me. She had told my dad, but my dad thought I was maybe echoing something I'd read or watched on TV. They could not process it at that time and as they learned what actually happened, they had hoped that I had forgotten it, because I did not bring it up again. What they didn't know is that I had learned that adults would not protect me.

I hope some of that helps. I just rambled a bit. But it took a while for me to realize the full impact of what happened, and although it was contributing to my life unraveling, it didn't truly feel real until I got confirmation. BUT, once that happened, I was able to move on.

Here are some books that have helped me:

I Can't Get Over It: A Handbook for Trauma Survivors

Growing Beyond Survival: A Self-Help Toolkit for Managing Traumatic Stress

The Courage to Heal - This one is very graphic and includes real stories of CSA. I would wait until she is older.

I'm so sorry for all of this. I've experienced something very similar. I just want to say how proud I am of you for getting your children away from him.

I also want to say that abusers are charming. Abusers are slimy. They worm their way in and count on the victim not knowing of their intentions until much later. My mother was taken in by a man like this, and subsequently he wound up physically assaulting her and sexually assaulting me. She didn't know about the latter until much later. It took us a long time to get away from him. He was sweet, he was handsome. Mom was under the impression that he was very good with me, he was attentive to me, etc etc. He was using her trust to harm me and in turn harm us both.

You will be okay. You will. Seek therapy, seek an SSRI, talk honestly and openly with said therapist.

A book that has really helped me with my trauma is a workbook by Aphrodite Matsakis. If you can, try getting a hold of this book.

https://www.amazon.com/Cant-Get-Over-Handbook-Survivors/dp/157224058X

Your life is going to be long and fruitful. You have your children with you, away from that threat. Remove yourself from his family if necessary, divorce his abusive ass, and start again. You can do this.

Some other people posted some books, but one that really helped me when I was diagnosed was "I Can't Get Over It" It's a "trauma survivor's guidebook" and it was sort of a self workbook, which I really liked because therapy did nothing for me.

It includes various exercises and techniques and had chapters on different things, such as what caused the trauma and various symptoms you might have, etc. I found it incredibly helpful. It even talked about dealing with how people might not accept/believe or might dismiss your trauma and how painful that can be.

Amazon Link: "I Can't Get Over It"

Several thoughts come to mind.

The lack of competent therapy leaves your wife vulnerable within her family of origin. Therapy has changed a lot over the years, and much more is now understood about childhood trauma. It would be very important for her to avoid religiously-based therapy/therapists, because so much of that blames female victims, excuses males as having been "weak" and/or "seduced," either by satan and/or the victim, and on and on. It can be a very negative experience, leading a survivor to say, "Never again."

This is not an argument that your wife will ever win with her mother, who seems to be ruling a roost deep in dysfunction. It is not for you to drag her away from them, but to encourage her to seek appropriate therapy. I would encourage you that the best way to do that is to model that behavior. You are what is called a secondary victim, seeing the woman you love continue to be harmed by her dysfunctional family, and damn it, even by the perpetrator who harmed her.

You need tools. You need to define and establish firm boundaries, limits and walls, for yourself. You need to know how to react to your wife, mostly, how to demonstrate positive changes within you which therapy can impart, reduce her fear.

A word about that. Trauma survivors often manifest symptoms of PTSD, and in dysfunctional families, also symptoms of C-PTSD, a different set of symptoms. Avoidance behavior is a symptom of both, and it means that things which trigger difficult feelings will be avoided. That your wife returns to those who abused her, demanding that they adapt, but avoids therapy, says a lot about where she is on her healing journey.

Abusive people do not change, nor do rational people expect or demand them to change. The sad fact is, most survivors, in the course of healing, go no contact with their families of origin, as they come to accept that. We lose our families, and that process is hideous; it feels like, no, strike that, they are new wounds.

I intentionally left out her sisters, because the best thing she can do for them is to begin to heal herself; she can't wait on them to "decide" it's time for help, or to begin their own healing. Nor can her sisters be uppermost in your mind. Again, modeling positive steps toward health is your best course of action.

Justice is not your goal. Protecting and nurturing the ones you love should be your number one objective. Seeking justice would bring your wife into a world for which she is not yet prepared.

Please don't take me wrong. If that is what she wants to do, by all means, support her. What I am saying is that your lead should be focused on finding appropriate support for yourself, and when she is ready, support for her in doing the same.

I hope I wrote that adequately, but let me speak plainly, please. When you wake in the morning, don't consume yourself with thoughts of revenge and hate toward her perp. She has enough of that for the both of you. Certainly, when she asks, of course you are authentic and state your feelings about him, but do so in a rational manner. Be the one to whom she can vent her rage, her steady rock in an ocean of fear, pain and panic.

I want to share that I once found myself yelling at my partner, when he had inadvertently triggered me back into a moment of terror. I was yelling at him as if he were my perpetrator, and I was ready to fend him off with my life, if necessary. In my mind, I felt he was going to attack me. He eas a kind, gentle man who would never have hurt me. For a few moments, my kid brain didn't know that.

How would you handle such a moment? Would you recognize it? This is why I'm suggesting counseling for you. You need the tools to recognize the symptoms, and try not to take it personally. If she becomes self-destructive, which is not uncommon, you need to know how to protect yourself, and make decisions from a rational place.

You say they have had some serious trauma, but I hope I'm helping you to appreciate the fact that you are more than a mere witness to the aftermath. My hope for you would be that you are able to avoid becoming enmeshed in the dysfunctional behaviors and responses, through appropriate support and knowledge.

For example, the next time your wife wants to challenge her abusers, do you join her? Do you stand there and stare at her perp, like a tiger ready to pounce? Do you wait in the car, seething that you aren't going in to stand next to her? Do you explain that she is free to go if she wishes, and state reasons you won't be joining her? Do you forbid her to go?

These are answers that only a competent therapist will be able to help you find, ones appropriate for both you and your wife, as he or she comes to learn about you.

Knowledge is power, dear sir, and you should arm yourself well for the path ahead.

I wish you well.

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I'm going to add a book recommendation. It's a primer that helped me immensely. It's indexed, with easy-to-use descriptions of symptoms and appropriate paths to healing. For me, it demystified the path to recovery, and I would highly recommend it to family of survivors. There are chapters covering issues unique to those sexually abused in their own homes as children, which helped me to understand many things. I hope you might find it helpful.

https://www.amazon.com/Cant-Get-Over-Handbook-Survivors/dp/157224058X