Reddit reviews I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression

Get him a copy of I Don’t Want To Talk About It if he’s ready for that level of involvement. If he isnt interested in healing from that cultural mindset, then there’s not much you can do for him besides be there for him and try to consistently strike up emotionally sincere conversations that validate him and make him feel supported. You can’t really force anyone to heal if they don’t want to, but you can be there for them, while also maintaining healthy boundaries for yourself so that you don’t get caught up in his emotional ‘stuff’ too.

I want to recommend you 2 books which I beg you to read. They have helped me a lot:

1. https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Want-Talk-About-Overcoming/dp/0684835398
   
2. https://www.amazon.com/Homecoming-Reclaiming-Healing-Inner-Child-ebook/dp/B00C4BA4I6
   
   They might not seem they are adressing your issues, but I promise, if you go through them you will heal yourself to a point where you at least will not be so hard on yourself and not contemplating suicide anymore.
   
   Porn is not your issue, your issue is a the thing you are treating with porn. And shame is never the answer. Never. Don't punish yourself for your thoughts. Thoughts are automatic processes we cannot control. Think of them like an involuntary fart. How ridiculous would be to punish yourself everytime you have one? ;)
   
   So care for yourself, be your best friend, treat yourself like you would treat a wounded son you love. One day a time. And trust me you will discover a self love so strong you'd be amazed :)
   
   If you need more help just write a PM. I can be a support when you need one. Cheers!

There are parallels with Messner's article and the work of Erik Erikson. Erikson's theory of the ego forms the foundation for Developmental Psychology. This is from a brief description of the work Erikson did. The subjects of Erikson's studies had major issues in describing their inner world.

Erikson's Eight Ages of Man

>It was while he was working with the Indians that Erikson began to note syndromes which he could not explain within the confines of traditional psychoanalytic theory. Central to many an adult Indian’s emotional problems seemed to be his sense of uprootedness and lack of continuity between his present life-style and that portrayed in tribal history. Not only did the Indian sense a break with the past, but he could not identify with a future requiring assimilation of the white culture’s. values. The problems faced by such men, Erikson recognized, had to do with the ego and with culture and only incidentally with sexual drives.
>
>The impressions Erikson gained on the reservations where reinforced during World War II when he worked at a veterans’ rehabilitation center at Mount Zion Hospital in San Francisco. Many of the soldiers he and his colleagues saw seemed not to fit the traditional “shell shock” or “malingerer” cases of World War I. Rather, it seemed to Erikson that many of these men had lost the sense of who and what they were. They were having trouble reconciling their activities, attitudes and feelings as soldiers with the activities, attitudes and feelings they had known before the war. Accordingly, while these men may well have had difficulties with repressed or conflicted drives, their main problem seemed to be, as Erikson come to speak of it at the time, “identity confusion.”

Messner's article has many good links-be sure to follow up on them especially to the book

I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression by Terrence Real. The link, if you're an Amazon member, will let you read a lot of the book. I highly reccomend it.

You may consider calling your dad and speaking to him about yourself and what you are experiencing. He may be able to offer you some support. I would also recommended you read this. The author has made this book available on pdf for free. It's a good start to setting healthy boundaries in your personal life. You are going to need to learn to see yourself as a unique individual and to do that you need to be able to set healthy boundaries.

I also recommended reading this book. You might be able to find a copy at the local library.

You need to move away from her though. So you can start to live your own life. And like /u/urbancowgirl79 has said you will end up cutting her out of your life. After you have established strong healthy boundaries you can decide on your own how much you will allow her in your life. Don't forget it's your life.

Since you're coming from Peterson, I reaally really really recommend this book by Terrance Real. Peterson and other anti Feminists like to falsely accuse feminism of being a movement that runs against men. This book helps describe how feminist theory has been helping men overcome mental illnesses. Without people like Terrance Real, we wouldn't have had the all the discussions about mental health. Peterson doesn't give great advice for mental illness, and the main reason is that is he tells men to double downs on the traits that people associate with masculinity that are actually the most harmful to those suffering with mental health issues.

https://www.amazon.ca/Dont-Want-Talk-About-Overcoming/dp/0684835398

I'm sorry you're dealing with this but you're very caring to reach out to try to find ways to help him.

I had this too growing up, parents screaming at each other all the time. It resulted in me suppressing my own emotions and always working as the peacekeeper in the house between my own parents. And part of the problem was that it made me extremely passive aggressive in dealing directly with them because I didn't want to provoke their anger. So my own needs got completely buried and over time I found i couldn't even figure out what I wanted or felt in many situations.

I'm really glad you're doing couple's therapy because anger can be viewed as a growing pain in a relationship. If you guys can figure this out it will make your relationship even stronger. The problem is the anger pushes you apart. So you want to find ways to communicate that help him alleviate the anger and bring you closer together through sharing and mutual understanding. The best way to do that I have found is in Getting Together and Staying Together. Even if just one of you reads it it can help.

It sounds like he needs talk therapy too but I know it's not easy getting someone to go on their own. So if he'll consider it, there's the book I Don't Want to Talk About It. It's in audiobook format too so he could listen to it from his phone while driving or while at home. It's specifically about depression but the focus is how the author's dad was terrible at sharing how he feels. And so he (the author) becomes a psychologist and writes this book about what he learned about his dad in the process of becoming a practicing clinician. So I though it might help sort through some of those things for your husband too. He could listen to it on his own and doesn't have to reveal anything deep to "a shrink." He should have a box of tissue nearby because some of it is pretty personal. But it's extremely cathartic and might help.

There's also the book When Anger Hurts Your Kids with direct steps on how to parent without anger. The title sounds incriminating but it has practical advice.

But as the most practical thing, when he gets angry, ask him to go for a walk. Go for a walk around the block before he curses or raises his voice. That's one of the simple and greatest skills to learn with anger management. He has to listen to himself, inside, and start to recognize when he's getting worked up. Not when he's already fuming. But when he feels agitated, frustrated or overwhelmed by work, finances or the kids making noise. He can reduce his overall stress by not trying to control every action the kids take. Kids are kids. Let them make mistakes, and don't expect them to do everything perfectly. That's how kids learn. But he can still manage himself. So go for a walk when they're driving you crazy.

And for you two as well, you can talk through anything as long as you take breaks when he gets mad. Table the discussion. "Let's talk about this more after lunch." Or tomorrow, however long he needs to cool off. But come back to it. That's the promise. He's not going to feel neglected as long as we come back to it and pick up the discussion again. But the promise for you is he won't drop a ton of bricks on you by dumping all of his anger on you. Because you deserve to be able to manage your emotions and not be overwhelmed by his.

That's the practice. You can pause and regroup as many times as needed to get through important discussions. But pausing and taking a break is the primary skill in keeping communications going. When he gets really mad and wants to keep ranting, he should write it down. That way he remembers what is important to him but he's not taking it out on you or anyone else. Sending really long texts with anger and criticism or complaints to you doesn't count. It needs to be his journal on paper that he uses to filter himself. To record what's important but to use it so he's not transmitting so much anger to you.

Then when he's cooled off, he can use his notes to get back to the discussion but in a cool, diplomatic way. If he has a lot of stress, writing things down for that helps a lot too. Stress, anxiety, depression, all of these strong negative emotions feed anger. They keep it fueled up. So if he can lower these overall it will directly help with the anger too.
Anything that bothers him, stresses him out, keeps him awake at night, should get written in his journal, diary, notebook, whatever he's comfortable calling it. And he could take this with to the therapy sessions as concrete examples of what you guys are working on. Hope some of this helps. Hang in there!

If you aren't ready to talk to someone, you might like the book I Don't Want To Talk About It by Terrence Real Amazon link to book

It discusses EXACTLY what you've been through, and gives you an outside perspective, and is about making YOU better.

My dad wasn't an alcoholic, but my dad's dad was. And it's something my dad carried with him as an adult, and passed down to me.

You can get better. You can be better. You probably aren't thinking about much of a future right now, but you'll want to learn about hot to stop the cycle from being passed to your own son in the future.

If you don't have the money for the book PM me your details and I'll send you a copy.

I've read both of your posts and it's clear that you want the right thing for both yourself and your husband.

If I, or any of the other addicts here, had a magic phrase that you could tell your husband which would fix him, we'd all be cured. There's no easy, "this is what you should do" post.

For your husband: I suggest reading two books, neither of which are directly about porn addiction, but both of which were instrumental in my deciding to pursue recovery:

1. "The Heart of Addiction" by Lance Dodes. https://www.amazon.com/Heart-Addiction-Understanding-Alcoholism-Addictive/dp/0060958030/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1488222927&sr=8-1&keywords=the+heart+of+addiction
   
2. 'I Don't Want to Talk About IT: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression' by Terrence Real. https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Want-Talk-About-Overcoming/dp/0684835398/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1488222949&sr=8-1&keywords=i+don%27t+want+to+talk+about+it+terrence+real
   
   For you:
   
   If you aren't in therapy, get in therapy, the sooner the better. You cannot fix your husband; the sooner you figure that out and find a way to articulate what you need, better. You may think it's 100% his problem. That may be correct, but you've been damaged by it. You can't fix him; you may be able to help him when he's had enough, but your number one job is to make sure you remain an intact and functioning person.

are your parents married? what is their relationship like? and your wife same? you don't have to answer me, but it usually takes a lot of intentional psychological work to change significantly from some of the more basic patterns they had.

I read this book :
https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Want-Talk-About-Overcoming/dp/0684835398

and did a lot of "co-dependence recovery". It has helped.

3 kids - 44 years old same job last 15 years

Men and women are encouraged to show different emotions. Women can show sadness and be feminine. Angry women are "bitchy" - not sufficiently feminine, and sad men are "weak", not sufficiently masculine. Of course, this takes a great toll on both genders. For men, who don't have access to full outlets to grief, it (like any unexpressed emotion) lingers, clouding your worldview, potentially leading to full-blown depression (potentially "covert depression"). A great book called 'I Don't Want to Talk About It' goes into this in some detail.

Thank you. That's extremely helpful.

It seems like you already realize that men can be deeply affected by unemployment. They are urged by society to be providers, and if they can't do that, there is an inherent loss of self-worth.

It's wonderful that you're helping him and being a source of emotional support to him. Here's my worry, though: you being his sole source of encouragement is going to be too much for you to handle and may end your relationship. He's got to find a way to start taking care of himself and making healthy choices so the burden of holding the relationship together and holding his self-worth together does not fall completely on you.

• Therapy is a great choice, though if you are in the U.S. he may not be able to access a therapist given his unemployment. If so, can you research sliding scale counselors in your area? There may be an affordable solution.
  
  
• He should be working out consistently, too. The endorphins one gets from pushing physical limits are no joke; they can really motivate you toward achievement in the rest of your life, too.
  
  
• There are some other things he can be doing with his free time that may help combat his depression. Are there courses/online courses he can take to improve his skill-set? Are there volunteer opportunities he could participate in? Have him think of what he loves (animals, helping people), and see what the local options are. There is nothing like helping others to help us gain perspective on our own lives.
  
  
• This may not go over well (depending on your boyfriend), but this book is great for explaining male depression. It doesn't always look like what we consider depression to look like, and it may help him dig himself out of the hole he feels he is in.
  
  Okay, on to the trust issue. The trouble is that once a serious lie comes to light in a relationship, the partner who was lied to can experience after-effects for some time after the lie is revealed. If it's something like cheating, then it's recommended that the partner who cheated become an open book so that their partner can slowly regain confidence in them. And it seems like he's going to need to do that regarding his job search and his feelings about it.
  
  Because, like many men, his self-worth is tied to his employment status, this is very tricky. You do not want to try to become an amalgamation of supportive girlfriend/career counselor. You need to stay supportive girlfriend. You don't want to turn into his mother, or someone he feels he needs to report to, but you also need to know what is going on so you can continue to rebuild trust.
  
  I would sit him down and have a conversation with him. Reassure him that you love him, believe in him, and want to stick with him through this rough patch. And then tell him your expectations.
  
  
• That he will consider you "safe" and talk about his feelings with you; you won't judge him. You'd much rather that he talk to you if he's feeling low than bottle it up. Confessing feelings that he equates to weakness will never ever make you think that he is weak. He needs to hear that from you. He needs to be reassured that he's your man and you admire him. Tell him.
  
  
• That you are going to trust him to try his hardest to find work. You understand that this might take a long time, since the economy isn't so great and jobs are hard to come by. You want to know that he's actively looking and putting himself out there, and you don't want to create a dynamic where he feels he has to report progress to you or you will be upset with him. Instead, you want him to offer you information about what he's been up to; then it is important that you be supportive of him and tell him that you are proud of him for trying.
  
  You might suggest that the two of you start having a half-hour talk every week, where it is a safe space and you can talk about anything. The goal is to understand one another, not to judge. It's a place for him to open up to you and for you to open up to him so that you can continue to strengthen your relationship, no matter what else is happening in your lives. And then make sure that you have the meetings consistently so that you can stay connected and no one feels that they are going it alone.
  
  If he is like most men, this will seem ominous to him, so make sure that you express positivity and appreciation during these meetings.

Other people have written really amazing advice already, so I don't have much to add. I second the "find a good therapist" recommendation - but you might also consider a couples / family therapist. Having someone who can meet with you together but also have individual sessions with each of you might really help. That is, if you want to pursue the relationship with G. If he refuses to do therapy with you, that'd be pretty telling too.

I have another book for you to read - it might be more comforting too. "I Don't Want to Talk About It" by Terrence Real was recommended to me by my therapist. It's about depression in men and how it's often translated into anger - and how family therapy can help them recognize the problem and break the pattern.

I don't know what the right answer is, but there are professionals who can help you figure it out. Hang in there.

Bottling up your emotions will land you in therapy if you're lucky and give you a heart attack if you're not.

You think "feeling like a guy" means not having feelings? You're wrong. Not just, "that's your opinion," wrong, wrong-wrong.

There's a shit ton of literature on the poor health and social outcomes for men in cultures where they're expected to be "stoic." In lieu of doing a lit review, you can read this for an overview:

http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Want-Talk-About-Overcoming/dp/0684835398

Feelings are something everyone has whether they want them or not. Becoming an emotionally mature adult means accepting that and learning to deal with them.

Check out this book on Amazon or your local library.

https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Want-Talk-About-Overcoming/dp/0684835398

Others have commented and it looks like your view has changed, but what I do want to tell you is it doesn't make you a "bad guy." It is a misinformed and judgmental (potentially to the point of dangerous) position, but a lot of people share it due to cultural taboos. It's great your opinion appears to have changed, because it represents something that needs to happen in society as a whole: a huge cultural shift in how we examine mental illness.

Suffering from a mental illness has so much stigma and shame associated with it that people often do not seek treatment. This just makes the disorder worse in the long run, which hurts not just that person but society as a whole. People especially men have a lot of difficulty talking about these things, and instead head towards slightly more "socially acceptable" methods (drug use, promiscuity, etc.) to fight the problems caused by mental illness. This obviously makes it worse in the long run.

Hopefully, we can see a larger cultural shift. Yes, things seem to be improving in some areas, but not in other areas of mental illness. There's still more work to do.

Edit: Typed isn't. Meant is.

This book, "I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression" might interest you.

http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Want-Talk-About-Overcoming/dp/0684835398/

How was it useful for you? [This one] (https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Want-Talk-About-Overcoming/dp/0684835398) was pointed out a few weeks ago here on MRP.

probably depression. People think of depression as "feeling sad" but its really frequently more like "not feeling anything at all".

Also see http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Want-Talk-About-Overcoming/dp/0684835398