Reddit reviews If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World

I'm glad/sad to hear I'm not the only one either! I haven't seen many stories on this sub about moms or MILs like mine, so I figured I'd write it up!

IDK if you've heard of these, but your spouse might find them interesting:

The Emotionally Absent Mother (2nd Ed) talks about both abusive mothers and enabler mothers. I think it should be on the shelf of every reader of JNMIL. It's broken into little chunks and has exercises that are helpful to think through when you really crave the mother you don't have.

If You Had Controlling Parents by Dan Neuharth. My therapist recommended it to me. Chapter 9 covers "Childlike Parenting", and gives examples of enabler mothers who basically used their children as meat shields against an abusive father. It's currently sitting on my desk and I'm not quite finished with it, but it has been useful so far. Other JNMIL readers would find the descriptions of more aggressive mothers to be of use.

The Enabler: When Helping Hurts the Ones You Love by Angelyn Miller. It's only 100 pages and is easy to read. The author got married back in the 1950s to a man who had untreated depression and who emotionally neglected his children. She finally snapped out of it when her son had to go to the hospital and her husband was more upset about a tree that blew over in the front yard than he was about his son. It's an excellent piece to read what makes an enabler's thought process tick. The author also includes tips and exercises for the reader to make sure they don't slip into becoming an enabler themself.

I started by reading books and going to therapy, where I re-learned a lot of self-confidence. If You Had Controlling Parents was one off the top of my head that helped me out a lot. There's a RBN Book Sub in the sidebar that has links to other recommended books. I think the most important part for me was to keep reminding myself that my past does not define my future. I still have worthless days, and that's okay. I've learned to feel my feels and move on. Lurking or commenting in this sub helps. So thanks. ;)

READ THIS BOOK, "Toxic Parents." I wasn't one for self-help books but holy shit is this a great read. Each chapter I would read, I would say, "holy shit, my Mom/Dad/in-laws are just like that!" It will help you recognize the controlling, toxic patterns and see your parents for who they are: deeply damaged, toxic people, who manipulate, control, deprive, emotionally blackmail, etc. It's a GREAT antidote to getting toxic static out of your life. I'm not exaggerating when I say that this book saved my marriage and my life. It's absolutely empowering and ridiculously informative. Let the healing begin, and good luck.

edit: this one is great, as well.

So far, I’ve found Dan Neuharth’s
“If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World” to be pretty useful. I got the Kindle version on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/If-You-Had-Controlling-Parents/dp/0060929324/ref=nodl_

No problem! I'll post here to share.

I really love these two books by Dr. Susan Forward. "Toxic Parents" and "Emotional Blackmail".

I also really liked "If You Had Controlling Parents" and "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist".

Here's the book where that link was taken from:
https://www.amazon.com/If-You-Had-Controlling-Parents/dp/0060929324/controllingparen/ref=as_at?creativeASIN=0060929324&linkCode=w61&imprToken=gVvTosQiZQP5.fxjBeGXXA&slotNum=0