Reddit reviews In Faith and In Doubt: How Religious Believers and Nonbelievers Can Create Strong Marriages and Loving Families

The key is that your values have to be compatible.

Check out this book: In Faith and In Doubt: How Religious Believers and Nonbelievers Can Create Strong Marriages and Loving Families by Dale McGowan

My wife is a believer. I've never been much of a believer, and I "came out" as an atheist about 5 years ago. She was kind of devastated for a bit, and I was confused about how she could possibly not know I didn't believe for so long. We basically don't talk about it now. She doesn't try to convert me and I don't try to de-convert her. It works because she basically lives a fully secular life except for 2 hours on Sunday mornings. She doesn't pray at home, or talk about Jesus and God doing things in her life. She just gets up on Sunday mornings and takes the kids to Sunday school at her church, then comes home and doesn't mention or do anything religious until next Sunday. I'm open with my kids about what I believe and why and I tell them that they can believe anything they want and change their minds any time they want. I tell them to ask questions about things and not to believe anything that doesn't make sense for them. I think just being a good role model for them is enough to help them figure stuff out on their own.

If you want to read more stories, a new book by Dale McGowan came out a few months ago that deals exactly with this situation. It's a great read and I highly recommend it.

I’ve said this many times on this sub, but being with a PIMI spouse is a special kind of hell. It’s almost like you can never truly leave the JWs because you’ll always be attached through them. It can be maddening at times especially when they slip into their cult personality and behave passively aggressively towards you.

One thing that helped me early on that may be worth your time, is reading a book called In Faith and In Doubt. https://www.amazon.com/Faith-Doubt-Religious-Believers-Nonbelievers/dp/0814433723

I read this when I was thinking of a way to possibly remained married despite our differences. Surprisingly, the book does mention JW marriages. Sadly, most divided JW marriages don’t work because of the nature of the religion, which is mentioned in the book and what we all know too well. The book didn’t help me make the decision to stay or to leave. Only you can decide that. But it did give me some perspective and tips on what I could do in my marriage if I chose to stick with it.

I agree with the other poster who said being married to a PIMI is a long road. It’s been 3 years since I stopped all activity and I still go back and forth about if I should continue. One thing my therapist says is that it’s hard to remain in a relationship where you don’t share or respect each other’s core values. JWs do not and will not respect the decision to leave the faith no matter how much they say they do. And exJWs do not respect the values of the JW religion. It’s a huge foundational conflict. This kind of situation requires a considerable amount of compromise by both parties. The issue is is that many PIMI will not compromise and require the POMO spouse to jump through hoops and demand a certain level respect and allowances and not reciprocate. This, as you know, can be emotionally exhausting.

My advice to you is to decide what you can and can not tolerate. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Can you get there in this marriage? Can you truly be happy in the relationship or are you settling? Are you still sharing a life together or are you simply tolerating each others’? Do you want children? How would you feel about them being at least partially raised as JWs?

I do wish you good luck. I can completely relate to this struggle.

There are many who are in your position or have been. My wife is still an active JW (not die-hard) and she takes our child. It doesn't look at this point (3 years since I left) that she's going anywhere. Some make it out with their entire family, but they are the exception. Prepare yourself for that. It is a strong possibility that your wife will never leave.

It is a whole lot easier to get your children out (depending on their age). The younger they are, the better. Spend more time asking questions rather than "exposing the organization." Then, when they finally become curious, you can explore the answers to those questions together.

Spend as much time with your family doing things that don't include Jehovah's Witnesses. If these things "coincidentally" interfere with meetings and service, great! Get your kids involved with extra-curricular activities at school, gymnastics, boy/girl scouts, soccer, etc. The closer they become to children who are normal, the more they will begin to view Jehovah's Witnesses as restrictive and down right weird.

Do you have any nonJW family near by? Get closer to them. Any nonJW friends/associates you could get to know better? Build a new circle of friends outside of the organization NOW. Lets face it, most of us were only ever in the organization because of the relationships anyway. So, if you can find meaningful ones outside of the organization, you will be able to fall into that safety net once the shunning begins.

If you're not sure how to go about making new friends and you want to include your wife, find a hobby that you both enjoy and then go do that together. Meetup is a great way to find people who enjoy the same hobbies (board games, hiking, biking, book clubs, etc.). Find the ones you gravitate toward more and invite them out for drinks afterward or over to your house for dinner or out to coffee. It is likely that if you are attracted to them you will also be attracted to the friends in their social circle. So, sometimes you really only have to find a couple of good friends in the beginning and then let them plug you into a whole new group.

If you are in a position to do so, it might also be smart to move a good distance away from the people you know. It's hard to start in a new congregation and so your wife will be more likely to give up the organization if she doesn't fit in with her hall and if old JW friends/family aren't near by pressuring her multiple days a week. You're already going to have to find new friends to socialize with, so don't let that stop you from making this choice!

You can't stay in the organization for the sake of your wife and kids. You will end up resenting them if they don't leave and it will ruin your relationship anyway. So, I would suggest just making a plan to get out (either fade, or quit cold turkey) at some point soon and between now and then see if you can nudge your family in the same direction.

If they don't escape now, you can at least be true to yourself. While not ideal, it is possible that you could be happy in a religiously divided household. If things get tough between you and the Mrs, look into going to see a counselor. Be honest with her about how you feel, but don't be overly critical of her. Remember, you are the one that changed. Leaving a cult is extremely difficult and she has been programmed to resist you.

There is much more to say on the issue, but those are some quick thoughts before I dart off to work.

I would suggest you order a copy of this book and read it when you get time. I've interviewed Dale and he's a great guy. It'll give you lots of great tips on making a mixed marriage work.

Best of luck to you. Feel free to PM me any time.

Great book. [Here] (http://www.amazon.com/Faith-Doubt-Religious-Believers-Nonbelievers/dp/0814433723/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1453163862&sr=8-1&keywords=in+faith+and+in+doubt) is the link. [This one] (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609805797?keywords=making%20marriage%20work&qid=1453163805&ref_=sr_1_4&sr=8-4) was also helpful to me.

Request a 30 day armistice and buy her Dale McGowan's 'In Faith and in Doubt

I highly recommend reading Greta Christina's book Coming Out Atheist: How to Do It, How to Help Each Other, and Why. She's compiled many coming out stories and has a lot of advice about how to come out to people. There's a chapter on how to come out to your spouse.

I also recommend reading Dale McGowan's In Faith and In Doubt: How Religious Believers and Nonbelievers Can Create Strong Marriages and Loving Families. As the title implies, it has advice on how a religiously mixed couple (one religious and the other not) can have a wonderful relationship and raise kid together without seeing eye-to-eye on the supernatural. Like Christina did in her book, McGowan interviewed a lot of people and the book is a compilation of the tips and tricks people have learned.

Please go purchase this book post haste. It directly addresses your issue.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0814433723?pc_redir=1406845742&robot_redir=1

I went through this myself only we chose a minister for our counseling and that kinda ruined the whole thing, IMO.

url shorteners are discouraged on reddit. link

"Parts of her" 😒

In Faith and In Doubt: How Religious Believers and Nonbelievers Can Create Strong Marriages and Loving Families

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0814433723/ref=redir_mdp_mobile?keywords=in%20faith%20and%20in%20doubt&qid=1402320041&ref_=sr_1_1&s=books&sr=1-1

It is great that she has doubts but there is no guarantee that she will de-convert. You might check out Dale McGowan's new book on atheist/Christian marriages to get some research-backed info on how to make it work: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0814433723?pc_redir=1411223486&robot_redir=1 (sorry, on mobile)

Sounds like things are going well. My only recommendation beyond whatever you've gleaned from other comments is to read In Faith and in Doubt by Dale McGowan. He analyzes mixed-faith relationships and offers ideas on what works and what doesn't. Good luck.

I highly recommend reading In Faith and In Doubt both my husband (Mormon) and I (agnostic) read it and it’s done wonders to help us respect each other’s viewpoints and feel optimistic about our differences.

Side note: For whatever reason the book is kinda pricey to buy on Amazon, so we listened to it on Audible, which is free if you are just signing up or one credit if you already have an account.

Check out this book OP. It might help. Good luck!