Reddit reviews Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship

Did a dead bedroom ever spontaneously fix itself while you crossed your fingers and smoked the Hopium pipe? hahahaah. no :(

Sex declining after moving in together is common

Here's a good TED talk on LTR and desire

If you feel like you two have merged into 1 boring person, you need to read Intimacy and Desire

If you feel like you have both drifted apart and need to 'date' and appreciate each other again, Check out these things to bring her specific spark back

If you think you might have been doing things to piss her off take this questionnaire

If the actual sex is a problem, here's an explanation

Ask her what sex or love-making means to her. Is it meaningful, bonding, an amazing loving experience, or kinda meh, a fun activity to get her rocks off. Ask her if she's satisfied with the amount of foreplay you have, is she sufficiently mentally and physically aroused before penetration. Does she orgasm, are you too pushy or focused on her pleasure, are you not at all interested in her pleasure. Do you both have enough aftercare, too much, does she want to get up and shower etc. Does she have any kinks she wants to try, is there anything you can do to get her in the mood or make sex a more enjoyable experience.

I reccomend you read a book called "Intimacy and Desire" it's very good for figureing out what is really wrong in your relationship...


Also, your wife didn't want poly... she wanted to be a swinger. Swingers are in it for the sex, poly is in it for the connection. Honestly, divorce seems like the best option. She seems to not care about you at all (judging from your wall of text not from any real observation). Don't stay in a toxic relationship.

Not that I have any answers but I have two books that might help some:
Intimacy and Desire - http://www.amazon.com/Intimacy-Desire-Awaken-Passion-Relationship/dp/0825305675/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1426091676&sr=1-1&keywords=intimacy+and+desire

This books first chapter talks about no matter what in a relationship there is always a High Need person and a low need person and the low need person will always control the sex. No matter what that is how it is. Now here is what to do about it.

The other is Come as you are - http://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1426091799&sr=1-1&keywords=come+as+you+are+emily+nagoski

This on goes into the science of how your body works and letting you know that you are normal and explaining how things work.

Good Luck

"Mating In Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence"

https://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641

"Intimacy and Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship "

https://www.amazon.com/Intimacy-Desire-Awaken-Passion-Relationship/dp/0825305675

from the sidebar of suggested books might be helpful for you both

I read that as well as Intimacy & Desire a few years ago, so my memory may be a little rusty.

There is a fair bit of overlap (same author) but PM was much more focused on sex than I&D.

I didn't find PM was that useful because I felt that there was almost a presupposition that both partners wanted sex, they just had an emotional disconnect. PM was about overcoming that emotional disconnect and using sex as a bonding experience. Useful for some maybe, but not when your partner is put off by anything related to sex.

Codependency

I&D found much more applicable to my situation, for one key insight:

If both partners find validation in love from their partner, then the relationship can't be sustained. At some point compromises have to be made. When that happens the compromising partner feels that they are unloved by the other. If both partners do this, then a disconnect & distance inevitably arises. Paradoxically, to feel loved by your partner then you have to not need to feel loved by your partner.


My Gottman Soapbox

Personally, I found both Schnarch books far more useful than anything by the ubiquitous Gottman though. Gottman may be great at observing couples and describing behaviours, but:

• there is almost nothing in his books that deals with underlying emotional issues;
  
• I felt that all of his advice was only useful for couples like my parents, who are already in a mediocre/good marriage but both partners want to make it better. If you're already in a marriage that is on the rocks then dealing with outward behaviours and not the underlying emotional issues that cause(d) resentments/distance in the first place is just a bandaid (and if there's anything I've learned in /r/deadbedrooms, it's that by the time people post their relationships are almost always already in major trouble)

It sounds to me like you might be codependent... which means your self esteem comes from the validation of others, rather than yourself. I say this because you sound very anxious about what others think of you, and it sounds like that anxiety is what's bringing you to tears.

If you can work on building your character and being comfortable with yourself as a person, you won't be so anxious about your SO's reaction, and you may even become more attractive to them for it. There's this book I'm in the middle of reading, Intimacy & Desire by David Schnarch, that covers a lot of this in depth, in the context of a monogamous relationship, and the principles can be applied to other types of relationships as well because it deals with your self-validation and self-soothing. It's not easy, but self-control is never easy.

It depends on what you do with that knowledge. When my wife first learned of the concept of responsive desire, it was helpful for her. It helped her to not feel like there was something wrong with her. Up to that point, and I guess even after, I treated her sexuality like something that needed to be fixed. That approach doesn't often help the lower libido partner feel more sexual. On the other hand, I think in some ways it helped her to feel justified in not wanting sex almost ever, and so she could stop trying to force herself to want sex (not that that ever worked anyway).

Then we tried what this book (https://www.amazon.com/dp/0825305675) "Intimacy & Desire" refers to as "The Devil's Bargain". Basically, since I want it all the time, but she has to be in the mood. She should d all the I initiation. The thought being that she would have to work on getting in the mood more often, and I would feel more desired because she is initiating. As the author says, this is not a good long term solution, and it wasn't for us either. It left her dreading pitting in the effort, and me often disappointed with duty sex.

For us, it turned out we were putting all of our energy into solving this sex problem, but it turned out that sex was not the problem, but rather a symptom. The problem was that she didn't feel lived or accepted. I didn't feel desired. Once we started working on that, our sex life took off. She is still responsive in desire, but she has an easier time turning it on. And it's not just by her choice that she improved there. It just happed because she trusts my love for her now. On my part, I'm much less needy when it comes to sex. I don't get as upset when I don't get sex, and I never feel like it's duty sex anymore. I am convinced that no amount of effort and energy poured into our sex lives could have reaped the benefits that we have seen by focusing less on sex, and more on connecting.

/r/DeadBedrooms

A support group for Redditors who are coping with a relationship that is seriously lacking in sexual intimacy. Advice is always appreciated, just don't be surprised if we've heard it all.

Important links for those in a deadbedroom:

• Low Sexual Desire
  
• Communication About Sex, note the link on communicating your kinks - a LL partner may feel that wanting frequent sex is kinky.
  
  Information about sexual issues that might be complicating your situation:
  
  
• Body or Penis Insecurity
  
• Early ejaculation or erection issues
  
• Difficulty Orgasming
  
• Female Sexual Pain
  
• Discussion on Sexual Shame
  
• SEX POSITIVE therapists
  
• The World Association of Sex Coaches
  
  DeadBedrooms suggested reading:
  
  
• The "DeadBedrooms One-Size-Fits-All Standard Flowchart"
  
  
• Come As You Are
  
  
• Mating in Captivity
  
  
• The Hormone Cure
  
  
• Intimacy and Desire
  
  
• Books from the Gottman Institute
  
  
• What Happened When I Had Sex Everyday For a Year
  
  
• The Five Love Languages
  
  
• The Sex Starved Marriage is a book that has been helpful for communicating about sex for members of our community. (Link is to video discussing the book.)
  
  
• How to ask for a divorce
  
  
• /r/deadbedrooms... Often a LL partner spending some time reading in our community has made a big difference. Maybe it will make a difference for your partner.
  
  
• DeadBedrooms Moderation Policy
  
  Glossary
  
  
• LL: Lower Libido
  
• HL: Higher Libido
  
• DB: Dead Bedroom
  
• SO: Significant Other
  
• PIV: Penis in Vagina
  
• LTR: Long Term Relationship
  
• LDR: Long Distance Relationship
  
  The rules here are few and far between, but we try to enforce the rules we do have fairly rigorously. We are all part of the moderation team - please report comments that break the community rules!!! The mods try to be omniscient, but we spend a lot of time playing Free Cell and truffle hunting - during those times reporting comments is a community service.
  
  

1. No direct insults ("You're an idiot!"). Be civil, and try to maintain an even tone. We're all human beings on the other side of the screen. We can call this the 'simple human decency' rule.
   
   
2. Don't respond to someone opening up about having a DB with the assumption that they 'deserve' their deadbedroom ("Your husband won't fuck you cuz you're ugly, right?" "Your wife doesn't want you because you aren't any good in bed!"). Comments should be supportive and constructive.
   
   
3. Sexist, racist, just generally offensive, etc. generalizations aren't cool either. ("All women are manipulative bitches!" "All men care about is sex!")
   
   
4. Joking or not, asking for pictures, hitting on people, soliciting for sexual interactions/communications, etc, are not welcome here.
   
   
5. Advocating rape is not okay. It is against the rules, and likely to result in a no-warning ban.
   
   
6. Grinding an axe on religion, politics, culture, media or any other ideological baloney is off topic here and may result in banning and the stink eye.
   
   If you have an issue with a poster or comment that you think is borderline against the rules or violating the spirit of the community, then please PM the mods explaining your issue. We will respond to you and we can have a conversation about that.
   
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   We're still a small subreddit, so feel free to cross-post your submissions to any of the larger related subreddits:
   
   

• /r/sex
  
• /r/relationships
  
• /r/relationship_advice
  
• /r/LowLibidoCommunity/
  
  
  
  
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http://www.amazon.com/Intimacy-Desire-Awaken-Passion-Relationship/dp/0825305675/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1408524692&sr=1-1&keywords=intimacy+and+desire

Though I disagree about the control necessarily extending way past the bedroom. In some instances, but not in all cases.