Reddit reviews Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life

You are assigning intent when you say "goal," but this may not necessarily be the case. Human beings are not always rational actors.

I recommend reading up on learned helplessness, it can offer significant insight in these situations. A great book on this subject is learned optimism by Seligman. Don't let the title fool you, it's a book about the practical application and history of cognitive science -- not some feel-good junkbook. The author explains the some of the science behind this kind of social dynamic.

Well said!

On the topic of Learned Helplessness, the book Learned Optimism was a huge help for me and others I know in learning to identify the cognitive habits that keep people in a depressive rut.... Internal vs external, temporary vs permanent, attribution style, etc.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0671019112?pc_redir=T1

My suggestion is to read Learned Optimism.

Essentially a good portion of your son's chances depend on his explanatory style, and if you are a single mother there is a higher chance that without coping skills he might be more prone to depression and poor performance in school.

As the book points out, women are more prone to ruminate over stressful events whereas men are more prone to act - there are some sections on the differences between male and female explanatory style mentioned in the book.

If you want to ensure your son does the best in school, do your best to help him maintain a healthy level of optimism. When he has problems, you can help imprint upon him male coping behavior by acting with him to help him not ruminate too much on such issues. What I mean by "acting" is participating in activities with him.

Of course, it's not just about him. Much of what you read in the book will be helpful to yourself as well, and you can use those techniques to lead by example.

That's my advice based on what little I know. Good luck, and all the best!

"Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman had a HUGE impact on my life, and on the way I think. People often make comments to me today about how happy and optimistic I am - they don't realize it's mostly self-taught, and that I trained myself to think in an "optimistic" way, based on what I read in this book.

Here's a link from amazon:
https://www.amazon.com/Learned-Optimism-Change-Your-Mind/dp/0671019112

First of all, fuck therapy. In my experience, it's not the be-all and end-all. They don't really know a lot about how to fix people, and it seems luck is a big factor in finding the right approach. If you aren't getting results with your current therapist, change it up, or take matters into your own hands.

Be careful how you talk about yourself. The recipe for depression is to think like this:

"All failures that I have are intrinsic to my character, will occur in every situation, and forever into the future."

"All successes that I have are not due to my fundamental nature, are specific to this situation, and won't be repeated in the future."

You can see that this is irrational thinking. In truth, most things are a mix of both things you can control and things you can't and it's hard to tell what was what even in retrospect. But if you have to fall on one side or the other, it's probably better to err on the side of believing that you can control success, and to err on the side of assuming that setbacks are temporary. (This is what is normally known as "optimism".) If you're wrong, well, at least you had a pleasant illusion for most of your life.

So when you tell yourself, "I'm fundamentally broken", you're setting yourself up for depression. Do we really know that you are broken? Really really? What we know is that you haven't had a relationship that lasted long. Are you confident in saying that no change of attitude, approach, whatever, could make someone last three dates with you? Five dates?

You're obviously articulate and in touch with your feelings and you're attractive enough. You're in a way better position than a lot of people who have horrible skin diseases or are autistic. There are billions and billions of people in this world. I feel that there could probably be someone for you.

But more importantly... I get the feeling that you consider this to be the measure of a person; whether someone else likes them enough to go on multiple dates. It's not, it really is not. Fuck other people's judgments. I'm going to guess that you are probably making this into such a big deal that maybe other people can detect your feelings of worthlessness. Maybe you have some shame from your childhood that's lingering into adulthood.

I don't have a solution, but I can tell you for sure that you're going to have to find that moment where something clicks and you say to yourself no matter what, I'm not worthless. And start living like that. Not only will this make you happier and more secure, probably it will lead to those lasting relationships.

Learned Optimism

You are normal. The only thing out of wack, is your perception of yourself, your place in the world perhaps, and what you are doing. Emotional spaces can get all messed up as we go from teenage years into adult life.

First step is to accept that you are ok in identifying how you are feeling, or not feeling. About yourself, your mum, and anyone else. You feel, or not feel for a reason. And it is something which many people go through, but never talk about, or even identify. So you have a gift in a way, in that you are identifying something about your life.

Another point is that you have worked out that things (emotional spaces, beliefs) inside you do not change, regardless of how far you move. That is good to work out :)

Next point is that you can work it out. Patience is a virtue, and it is true. Be patient with yourself, and do not be in a hurry to resolve something of which you have yet to understand fully.

I just posted this in another thread, maybe it might apply to you?

> I am reading a book at present, Learned Optimism How to Change Your Mind and Your Life - Martin Seligman. Try googling the book name, you may be able to find a copy that way if you cant find a copy to buy.

> The book is about optimists and pessimists. Your post has much about your past, and how it has affected your life. Our past has a tendency to influence our present life in ways we do not realise. I know, have been there. And finding books like this one is an eye opener. I am learning much about how I view myself, and how I view others. Well worth a read.

Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life is a little book that could help you on your journey. Additionally, you can look into cognitive behavioral therapy (which is a proven way to change the way you think, feel and act).

Good luck!

I can recommend reading this book for logic and perspective as opposed to self-help-stuff which is just a band-aid solution.

http://www.amazon.com/Learned-Optimism-Change-Your-Mind/dp/0671019112

The way you're typing is what he calls "permanent, personal and pervasive", and the book will explain to you how that is unhelpful. I know books are long and boring but I was in your shoes 12 months ago and can highly recommend it. Don't give up, you can do anything :)