Reddit reviews Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship

> She says she is now going into a new form of
> treatment and that he is very important to her
> healing process.

That is a manipulative statement. From what I've read in your previous post, your boyfriend is not good at keeping healthy boundaries and she is very good an being manipulative. Manipulative people can't get better if they get rewarded for being manipulative. The only way to not reward manipulative behavior is by keeping good boundaries. It can take years to learn how to keep boundaries with someone who is mentally ill. I know this from personal experience.

If you decide to stay with your boyfriend and he decides to maintain his relationship with her, then you need to learn to keep boundaries to keep yourself safe and sane.

Here are some resources you or your boyfriend might find useful:

CoDa

BPDFamily

Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

Two of the links above are resources for people living with someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD). I do not know whether you boyfriend's girlfriend qualifies for a diagnosis of BPD along with bipolar disorder (BD). However, I think those resources will still be helpful. Manipulative behavior and out of control emotions are traits of BPD. Also, BPD and BD are frequently comorbid.

https://www.amazon.com/Someone-Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Control/dp/1593856075

Gave this to my fiance three years ago at the beginning of our relationship. He's my biggest support and my rock. He helps me advocate for myself, self-care, everything. This book helped him become all those things. Highly recommended.

I would recommend the book "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Shari Manning is a great resource that will really help you start to think about the different ways that BPD might affect your relationship and, more importantly, of ways that you can utilize an understanding of BPD to improve your experience (and your partner's experience) in that relationship.

I know you said you've read about BPD in textbooks but this is quite different, and as a psychologist I'd recommend it.

This sounds like the classic "I hate you, don't leave me" behavior of someone with borderline personality disorder. There are a lot of good resources to help people mend relationships with loved ones who have BPD. I'm on my phone. Otherwise I would do a better job of summarizing the main points, but I can really recommend the book Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder. http://www.amazon.com/Someone-Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Control/dp/1593856075

SparklyChipmunk offered good advice.

To add to it, sometimes when a person is screaming at you, it can help a lot if you maintain a low, calm voice where they have to quiet down to be able to hear you. It can make them realize how loud they're being.

Something else that can help diffuse a BPD rage is validating whatever you can--look for something in what she's saying or feeling that you do agree with and let her know about it. BPD is very, very sensitive to perceived invalidation and validating them can help to short circuit that process and get their emotions to die down a bit and be able to actually hear some of what you're saying and not just perceiving everything as attacks against their very soul.

That said, if she never gets appropriate treatment, you can learn techniques to get along better with her, but all you'll be able to do is manage her and she'll likely not experience significant improvements. I'm not gonna tell you what to do because it's your life and your relationship, but if after trying to discuss the situation with her and trying to find a workable solution if things are still really bad do some serious soul searching to decide if this relationship really is worth it to you. It's your decision and I won't push you toward staying or going but be prepared to ask yourself these tough questions because even if she does get treatment you still are going to have a long, hard road ahead of you because while BPD is very treatable recovery generally takes at least two years, before you see remission or at least reach a huge reduction in symptoms although you can start seeing the first improvements pretty early on.

I have a very BPD FP and I had to ask myself these hard questions and I weighed the positives and the negatives and searched deeply in my heart. For me the answer was decidely yes: I am sticking with him. But for your situation you'll have to come to your own conclusion.

Anyway it's the middle of the night. Don't worry just yet about your relationship ending. Hope is not yet lost. Try the suggestions offered here and consider reading this book: Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder. It'll teach you a lot about her mind and how to get along better with her and be happier. Give it some time and see how it goes. Then decide if you wanna continue with the relationship or not.

I wish you guys the best. May you both find happiness, whether it's together or apart.

Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

I'm pretty sure it was this one.

For what it's worth, here's one person in the States that certainly doesn't want you to die. Internet hug I feel you, it's so tough being where you are.

It's a little weird being a guy, and today I probably wouldn't officially be diagnosed as "full BPD", but back when I was 19-23...well yeah, there were the very real suicide attempts, hosing my college plans, staying in a total shit relationship out of fear of being alone, literally feeling for about six years that there was no point in making long-term plans because I really expected to kill myself somewhere along the way, and a few years of just terrible emotional stuff that I can now see goes back to my early childhood. If anyone had bothered looking they might have noticed that I was suicidal by age 8.

I think I blind luck stumbled on some DBT principles. I forced myself to be alone with myself for a while, and to seriously think though my core values. (Because I really didn't know what they were.) I meditated some, and read some, and separated from the world and re-approached it anew. Oh, and I put 1000 miles between myself and my NPD family. However it happened, I got stable enough to marry this wonderful woman and go back to grad school and get the degree I really wanted. But I still have some work to do, and next year will start DBT with a therapist who has already said I have borderline tendencies. When she said "borderline" I thought she meant edgy, but when I finally looked up BPD (ironically because I was trying to understand someone else) it was like the light went on and I was sooo relieved! Because BPD is highly "fixable" compared to many other things. It was also nice not being inherently "crazy", just having emotional habits that can be changed over time.

So...advice. Well, I've found Youtube videos to be really helpful. Today I was watching Tami Green's, she was in such a bad way once but found her way out of the abyss and has helped others. When I searched for "bpd" I found so many people I could relate to. Books are great, and I'm reading Loving Someone With BPD right now and it's really awesome, but there's kind of a magic in looking at someone's eyes in a video and seeing it.

So your mom is basically accommodating and even reassuring your sister's negative behavior. This happens a lot in people with OCD. Their family doesn't want to set them off so they actually end up helping with their OCD behavior like triple checking that a door is locked or that their sandwich only has cheese and ham five times. This is a huge waste of time and energy on the part of family members and doesn't help the person with OCD control their compulsions.

So if your mom's not helping control your sister's verbal abuse, this puts an extra burden on you. I don't know anything about BPD but it sounds intense. She is probably getting treatment of some kind herself, but could you see a therapist as well? It sound like you are responsible for caring for her too. The family, everyone that encompasses that person's daily life needs help as well. There are books like Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship that I found because I already own "Loving Someone with OCD." If it's like the one I have it has practical, actionable advice on how to not only deal with her but also maintain your own sanity (and your mom's).

You just want to plan ahead a little bit to help manage your reaction when you're around your sister. And it takes some trial and error to figure out what works. Before you walk in and see her, how do you feel? Are you tired or stressed out? If so, shorten the amount of time you are in with her. If you're feeling pretty good, try some things with her you don't normally do. But listen to yourself and engage based on how much energy and courage or just plain stamina you have at the time. But don't be a martyr. Don't stay longer than you have to when you're low on personal resources. When you're not with her, do things that help you recharge. Get exercise and good sleep, sing out loud in your car. Anything that gets you back some spark.

See if you can just walk away when she is verbally abusive. This is to help your peace of mind - you don't have to just stand there and take it - but also control your own reaction. If we do or say ugly things to someone, even when justified, we feel awful afterwards and end up beating ourselves up about it. So just removing yourself from her is a huge positive step you can practice. Just go to another room or leave the house if you're really angry. But practice disengaging early on, when you've just noticed you're getting annoyed or frustrated. Earlier than full blown angry because that's when you're likely to do or say bad things you'll regret. By that time we're completely emotionally driven and lashing out instead of thinking rationally and in control of our response.

It's very easy to take her abuse personally. So try to step back and remember that anyone in close proximity to her would be a target for her abuse since she can't control herself. So focus on your own self-care. Imagine her in a bubble. Her negativity and language is trapped inside the bubble with her. And you can imagine your own bubble as well. Imagine it's really strong and you're safe in it. These types of visualizations are helpful in dealing with really negative people. Imagine it keeps their negative energy with them and not anywhere near you.

Anger management "groups" do exist but they're not as common as AA. Seeing a therapist or taking a class online is the best advice I can give. You can call your doctor's office for a referral or check your insurance website. They usually list their credentials like "anger management" and if they also treat BPD and family therapy even better. But don't feel like you have to stay with the first therapist you meet. If you don't feel they are right for you after even the first session, cancel the next appointment and call someone else. It's ok to shop around. Once you find a good one, stick with them for three to six months. They usually want to see you once a week for the first month and then once a month after that depending on your needs.

And you can start keeping a journal to write down the challenges you notice with her and your reactions. You can write down what happens between her and your mom too. What happened? Where did it go wrong? What could you try next time? This is the best kind of homework you can do. And you can take it with to therapy sessions as a memory aid and to write down their recommendations.
Hope some of this helps. Hang in there!

I have read the first two, and can give my opinions on all three. Stop walking on eggshells has a target demographic, and that's for nons that are trapped in a relationship with abusive and wilfully ignorant BPDs. People who refuse to acknowledge they have a problem or do anything about it. It's absolutely not a book for people with BPD, unless you have absolutely no triggers.

BPD for dummies is good; it's sort of a slap in the face wake up and smell the sunshine book for both BPDs and nons, and it led my girlfriend to try Abilify which has since changed her life. But again, a lot of that book is about surviving and it doesn't offer much in the way of helping the BPD or the non with their relationship. It does describe a lot of BPD relationships and why the BPD (I'm sorry if this is offensive shorthand, feel free to tell me if it is) is feeling and reacting the way they do. I think a lot of it will read like bpdlovedones to you though, unfortunately, as it does tend to place most of the responsibility on the person wth BPD.

The DBT workbook is good. My girlfriend has it and it's helped her. I haven't read this one so much as skimmed it, and what I can say is it's like any other DBT workbook; a lot of hard work and frustration.

The best book I have yet to read (and I have glanced through quite a few) is Loving someone with borderline personality disorder. Seriously, if you don't have this, get it now. It's the only book I've read that doesn't ever paint borderline in a negative light. The author definitely understands that people with BPD aren't evil or crazy, just hurting and confused. I've said this before but I have dated many people with BPD, diagnosed and not, and from the outside, it's very easy to think your BPDSO is being manipulative or trying to hurt you or so toxic you need to run. And unfortunately, so many mental health professionals seem to reinforce this idea. This book changed everything for me, as a non, and for my girlfriend, put so many of her feelings into words. The woman who wrote it studied under the person who invented DBT. She explains the ideas of splitting, object permanence, unstable self image, and so many more things. And she actually goes into detail on how to work on your relationships instead of just giving the all too common blanket statement of 'run away'. I don't mean to shill but I promise you it'll make you feel much more hopeful than these other books. (I haven't read I hate you, don't leave me, so I'm not including that.)

I am not sure I understand ...aren't in a relationship, but we are exclusive

Regardless it sounds like it's potentially borderline personality disorder. Cognitive behavioural therapy and dialectic behavioural therapy are helpful.

For you? Try this: book

yooo -- this book will help you out tons -- https://www.amazon.com/Someone-Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Control/dp/1593856075/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1IZHJ9NNRSY6F&keywords=loving+someone+with+borderline+personality&qid=1557860540&s=gateway&sprefix=loving+someone+with+%2Caps%2C190&sr=8-1

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if money is a problem DM me i can help you out

Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/1593856075/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_DfjkzbZ7KMGZ1

Welcome!

I would suggest this workbook and this book for yourself. Then I would suggest this book for your loved ones.

Here is some good information on the different therapies for BPD that they say are most effective (DBT being one of them).

I follow a bunch of accounts on Instagram with inspirational quotes and relatable content that I find helpful. My favourite hashtag being # bpdrecovery - if you use Instagram, I highly suggest checking it out.

I think the most important thing to remember is to be active in your recovery and to be kind to yourself.

I hope this helps!

This this this! 'Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder'


'The Buddha and the Borderline' is good, but her experience with BPD is pretty intense (drugs, hospitlizations, etc) so it may not be as relatable to your situation. It's a good read though!

Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Y Manning is meant to be good, although I haven't read it myself.

https://www.amazon.com/Someone-Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Control/dp/1593856075

hi, i'm a 38/f i was diagnosed 3 years ago but only got help about 2 years ago when i hit rock bottom.

1. when i was diagnosed i might have told my boyfriend at the time (we had been together for 8 years so i didn't think he'd leave me - and he didn't over that) didn't treat me different just because of the diagnosis, except for the fact that he tried to help me go to my dbt group and get to my therapy and shrink appts on time. yes i feel the stigma, but not from him.
   
   
2. yes, you will most likely have to deal with it for the rest of your life. i don't think it's cure-able, however, it is definitely something you can learn to live with. you can get information and read everything you can get your hands on. talk to people who have it, like us here, so you don't feel like you're the only one. it's good to have a support group. and get into dbt if possible.
   
   
3. since being diagnosed: well when i was first diagnosed i didn't give it a second thought.. i dismissed it and didn't do anything. i let it go. and then i ended up hitting rock bottom and i ended up going into the psych ward because i tried to kill myself. but after i got out i started to get myself straightened out. and things got smoother. it was a tough road. but one i needed to go down. and i'm a much better person for it. i'm no longer in that relationship i was in. i lost that one because of my bpd. but i'm in a better on because i was able to get myself straightened out. things got much easier after i got help.
   
   
4. hmmm i think i just about said it all. get help. do dbt if possible. make sure you have a therapist that understands bpd and dbt therapy. if they don't, then find a new therapist. trust me, you'll be better for it. the book "I hate you don't leave me" was a very good book, but a hard read. it made me cry. there's a book i want to get that i saw at the book store.. http://www.amazon.com/Someone-Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Control/dp/1593856075 this looks like it's going to be an excellent book for anyone that is a significant other or parent or maybe even sibling of someone that has bpd.

I think this book has some pretty good basic suggestions. My boyfriend bought it but never read it, but I did. I wish he had read it as I think I would like to be treated the way this book suggests you treat a person with BPD.

https://www.amazon.com/Someone-Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Control/dp/1593856075

When I gave my boyfriend a copy of Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder it really helped him understand me so much better and on how to help me.

Edit: Here's the Amazon page for the book if you are interested.

There are tons of books written for our loved ones if you think he might be interested in that. A really popular one is Walking on Eggshells. I chose this one Loving Someone with BPD because in my opinion it does the best at helping the loved one understand us and protect their own feelings without demonizing us.

There are two books I highly recommend you (and your parents) read:

1. Stop Walking on Eggshells, by Randi Kreger
   
2. Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, by Shari Manning
   
   I haven't read Randi Kreger's book The Essential Family Guide to BPD, but I imagine this might even be more appropriate for you/your family given this is your sister. Randi is one of the leading authorities on the subject.
   
   Good luck, I'm sorry to read that you and your family are going through such a rough time.