Reddit Reddit reviews More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory

We found 40 Reddit comments about More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.

Healthy Relationships
Love & Romance
More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
More Than Two A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
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40 Reddit comments about More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory:

u/JoshSimili · 20 pointsr/australia

I think my thoughts on this are better said by a passage from More Than Two:

>[R]emember that your relationship with your child is a relationship, and a very high-maintenance one. And you need to care for that relationship when you are in the throes of a new romance. Just as your partners may feel insecure and scared, so might your children. They too may need reassurance that they are still special, still loved, still irreplaceable.

Dating when you have kids is hard, just like polyamory is hard. It's unfortunate that in this case the child isn't happy with how things are, but I don't think that this is unique in any way to polyamory and certainly isn't any indication that polyamory necessarily harms children.

u/Kenji_03 · 11 pointsr/nonmonogamy

My partner and I were only really okay with opening things up once we talked about the difference between "loving" and "committing".

I am committed to her, and I love her. I may love anyone we bring in, but I will never commit to them.

On top of that, we both read a few books and articles regarding what's unfulfilling about pure monogamy.

I'm not saying it wasn't difficult, I'm not saying there wasn't a lot of shouting and tears, but I am saying we both got through it and are much better for it.

Also, like you... she is bisexual and we first opened things up with a threesome to make it an "us" thing instead of a "you" or "me" thing.

u/soundbunny · 11 pointsr/AskTrollX

I've been poly for 10 years, and in a new LDR (4 months). He's a touring roadie, I'm an in-town roadie.

I would strongly recommend doing some reading on polyamory, open relationships, swinging, all that stuff. There's tons of great literature out there. Even if full-on multiple relationships isn't what you're looking for, you'll pick up lots and lots of tools to smooth a transition to non-monogamy, and just in general to have healthy communication.

Before you talk to him about it, and before you get with anyone else, try to have an idea of what you'd like, and what your boundaries are. Do you want just NSA booty, or FWB? What would you be comfortable for him to do with other women? What about barriers? Do you talk about your other partners, or is it a DADT situation? What if feels happen? A good rule of thumb is to picture your partner with someone else, having a great time. If this elicits strong feelings of jealousy, anger, and general badness, there's going to be a lot of things to work through.

After you've got a good idea of where you want to go, bring it up with him. Not with a specific other partner in mind, but just as a concept. Ask him to do research for himself. Even if he says "No way!", have him do the reading and make an informed decision. Make up your mind whether or not this is a deal breaker.

We're pretty strongly conditioned against the idea of non-monogamy, but the fact is that it's all around us. Open relationships are a pretty common practice, and can be part of a lot of healthy, loving, long-lasting romances.

I thought I would have to really reconsider my poly attitude when I met my current guy, because I am crazy-nuts-bananas in love. When I told him about it, he laughed that I had been scared and told me he had been in open relationships for a decade and preferred it!

Good luck on spreading the love!

u/AgentCandle · 10 pointsr/polyamory

You are NOT wrong. They are not treating you in an ethical manner. The simple fact is that you, and only you, can decide who you want to have sex with. If you have sex with B only so that you can have sex with A, this is clearly manipulative on their part, and will cause problems in your own head later on because of the "cost" of having sex with A. You may come to feeling crappy about sex with A because you have to "bribe" B with sex to get it.

My advice is to put your foot down, and don't have sex with anyone you don't want to, and according to their rules, that means you'll probably have to break up with them. If B goes along with what you want and harbors resentment because of it, they might veto, or they will just turn against you eventually, and that's going to cause a lot more hurt down the road. I hate to break it to you that way, but in the end, this type of "equality rule" is unethical, and just plain bad news.

This dynamic (Your sex with one is contingent upon sex with both) is discussed in a great book, More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert. You would do very well to read it if you haven't already, and decide how you want to go forward.

u/casualcolloquialism · 10 pointsr/polyfamilies

It's not impossible necessarily, but the concept in general can be kind of a turnoff for a lot of potential partners. u/violetbreen outlines a lot of the pitfalls really well, but basically it comes down to this: you need to remember that this person is a person. They will have wants and needs and feelings of their own that don't necessarily fit neatly within the box that you want them to fit into.

Questions to ask yourselves: Are you willing to be out with her as your partner (a lot to unpack here - what will you tell your families, how will you handle holidays, will you all live together, etc)? Will she be an equal parent to your child? Will she still be able to date people besides you? What will happen if her relationship with one of you winds up not working out but she's still in love with the other? Will you only have sex together as a group of three, or will you be able to pair off - or will only the two of you be allowed to have sex as a pair, but if she's involved then it has to be a threesome? If your marriage begins to struggle, will you include her in the conversations or therapy you engage in to try to repair the relationship? Are you willing to accept that your current relationship will be fundamentally and permanently altered once you enter into this new relationship?

There's a lot more than just these questions to consider. While the idea of an "equal partner" is alluring, it's important to recognize how tricky that relationship would be in practice. I'd encourage you to ask yourself why you specifically want an additional partner in your existing relationship versus each of you finding additional partners of your own. It's possible that you feel you would have better control of that type of situation, which makes sense but indicates that what you really want is control over your partner - meaning they would, in fact, not be "equal" after all.

If you haven't already, reading up on polyamory can be very helpful! My favorite resource is the book More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert. You may also find unicorns-r-us to be helpful in answering some of your questions.

u/kmc_v3 · 9 pointsr/polyamory

That is really exciting! Good luck :)

I have a variety of experiences I could share but I'm not sure what's relevant so I'll give some general advice first. Probably the most important thing is to communicate openly about your needs, desires, and boundaries. Especially the two of you who are already in a relationship. If you start to experience negative feelings about the situation, don't hide that on account of thinking you "shouldn't" feel that way. When you talk it through with a partner you can often find a way to work through those emotions.

Make sure you agree ahead of time, before the opportunity presents itself, about any limits on sex with others, and especially about safer sex practices. If you do end up having sex with him, either individually or as a threesome, it'd be good for you and your girlfriend to check in after the fact and talk about how you feel.

There are some books you could read such as The Ethical Slut or More Than Two as well as a lot of podcasts and blogs.

Remember, there's no one right way to do it. You really get to choose your own adventure together, which is part of what makes poly so awesome!

u/LabotomyCrisis · 8 pointsr/genderfluid

Oh wow, it certainly seems like you and your partner are not communicating well. I reccomend that you both read More Than Two, it is an excellent resource for people who are in open relationships. I did want to mention that polygamy and polyamory are not interchange able terms. ♡

u/Malechus · 7 pointsr/polyamory

Talk. Talk it to death. Talk until you don't think there's anything else to talk about. You have the rest of your lives, so take time to talk. As you talk; be honest and advocate for yourselves, these are harder skills to learn than you might think.

Read The Ethical Slut and More Than Two.

Look for poly communities in your area, they're more common than you might think. The single most valuable resource I have had on my journey has been more experienced people to learn from. There are classes and workshops for just what you are thinking about doing, check them out.

Also, be prepared for some disapproval in poly communities. Hetero couples, or couples with a hetero male and bisexual female, looking for bisexual women to join them are really, really, common. And they unfortunately very often engage in unethical, or at least ethically dubious, behavior. More Than Two devotes a whole chapter to this, and I highly recommend reading it. Try to avoid those behaviors.

Best of luck!

u/invisime · 7 pointsr/polyamory

When I was new to poly, I found reading to be one of the best ways to level up my comprehension / modeling of what was "right" or "wrong" about how I was going about things. If this describes how you learn, let me recommend More Than Two. Btw, those scare quotes are because I don't endorse judge-y moralizing when it comes to how people live their lives.

That said, I think More Than Two does incredibly good job of emphasizing that ethical non-monogamy (of any flavor) should be respectful of the humanity of the humans involved. By that, I mean things like respecting the autonomy / agency of each individual involved. Relationships (monogamous or otherwise) can be messy beasts. The important things are for people to show compassion and understanding to one another, to meet them where they are, to listen with a sense of curiosity about each other's perspective, to not take other people's emotions personally.

It sounds like you've already had a great time with this couple and quite possibly learned some things about yourselves as well. The good news is that means your relationship with them has already been a success! If there is room for further successes in your interactions with these humans, so much the better. If the most successful outcome from this point involves a loss of contact with them, that's a bit of a bummer, but there will be other interesting humans to occupy yourselves with in the future.

u/Cottontail_ · 7 pointsr/polyamory

Ugh. There is a reason we say "ethical non-monogamy". Cheating, not telling you, then thrusting you into an open marriage when it's not what you want is totally unethical and a super duper jerk move in my book.

I feel for you. And I can be empathetic towards her. Perhaps she only recently has come to accept that she isn't heterosexual, maybe she's dealt with a lot of sex and slut shaming growing up, and she hasn't been honest with her emotions. And I can see a reality where she just kinda exploded in a messy way and didn't know how to navigate this lovingly in a way that made you feel safe.

The way that this came up is completely devastating and you are valid to have your hurts, loss of trust, and fears.

But I still wanna smack the back of her hands. Bad wife, bad!

That being said...

There are a number of ways for you guys to explore non-monogamy if you'd like. Swinging, "open while traveling", poly, etc. She did open the door the for you guys to communicate about what you want and how to grow together, and that is awesome.

You may want to read

u/searedscallops · 6 pointsr/polyamory

I think that 90% of the information in More Than Two could be used by people in monogamous relationships. Most of poly knowledge is really self-growth and relationship knowledge.

u/FeralQueen · 6 pointsr/polyamory

I'm sorry, it sounds like they didn't handle or honor your feelings like they could/should have, and trust me when I say that you deserve to have your feelings recognized and cherished! Even the dark and painful ones.

You absolutely have every right to feel what you do, no one can tell you that your feelings are wrong. It sounds like this was a very toxic and one-sided relationship, and you deserve far more care and recognition than that!

If you haven't already, please read The Secondary's Bill of Rights here, and I've heard that the book, More Than Two outlines a lot of ways that communication in polyamory (and relationships in general) can go wrong.

You can download the kindle app for PC free onto your computer (or even read books from your browser), and read books from there.

Some people can't handle sharing, and when they can't handle sharing AND can't handle communicating this in a direct and healthy manner, things get ugly. Fast.

Please believe me when I say that you did nothing wrong in falling in love, or in being hurt when that love was denied you. From what you said it sounds like you tried to be the best and most supportive person you could in your circumstances, and You can own your feelings without shame. It also sounds like you need a BUTT-TON of self love and self care right now, so draw yourself lots and lots of bubble baths and eat all the comfort food you want and wear your comfiest socks whenever you want. Period.

hugs I know things are hard for you and maybe these words are little comfort, but please take care of yourself, and know that you definitely deserve better from the people in your life, poly or whatever.

u/jasonschwarz · 5 pointsr/gay

There's a perfect solution: all three of you need to discover polyamory.

Seriously. Check out this book:

There's no need for anyone to sneak around or "cheat". You yourself said his new boyfriend is hot. If the guy you like is attracted to you, there's a pretty good chance his new boyfriend will be, too.

Now... you have to realize... even the most thoroughly well-adjusted non-jealous experienced polyamorist is likely to question the commitment of a new partner if he suggests having a threesome within literally DAYS of them becoming a couple (unless they were doing threesomes together even before they made their new dating status official... in which case they're probably soulmates), so you might have to wait a few weeks and let them enjoy their NRE (new relationship energy) without injecting drama or complications into it. Just fuck other guys in the meantime, try to learn something sexually new, practice your technique, and send him an open-ended text message every 4-6 weeks to remind him that you're still interested.

u/Jean-Charles_G · 4 pointsr/polyamory

Friends told me More than two is a great book :-)

u/mrs-darling · 4 pointsr/sex


Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term that includes any activities where all parties involved know about the outside relationships and agree to participate. So if I am into another man, both my husband know about the guy and the guy is aware that I am married. It includes everything from swinging (sex, no emotions, typically done as a couple) to polyamory (literally "multiple loves" and can include multiple loving relationships) and a bunch of other dynamics.

Us? We allow for the "spark." You know how you meet somebody at random and you feel a connection with them? A spark? Like for some reason, at a crowded bar or gym or library, you spark with that one random stranger? That. That is our ethical non-monogamy. When that happens, we go to our spouse and let them know we felt that with somebody else. We talk it out. We are excited for each other and encourage each other.

We personally don't seek out other relationships; no dating profile or swing clubs here. We simply enjoy our loving and healthy marriage and if we feel a connection with another, we are free to explore why that person has been brought in our path. Maybe they are meant to be a friend, or teach us a lesson. Maybe they are to be the greatest fuck of our lives. Maybe we could love them. We don't want to spend our lives wondering "what if." We have found some love, some lust, some heartache, some heartbreak, but overall, it has been an incredibly positive experience.

This requires gobs of honest communication, so you'd be a natural at that end of it.

Both my husband and I have realized, after time and practice and mistakes, that neither of us are interested in sex without loving emotions. We just aren't into unemotional sex. Can we have a couple drinks and find a beautiful chick to give my husband a two girl BJ with me in a nightclub bathroom stall? Sure. But sexual relationships with a consistent partner requires actually caring about that person as a potential member of our family. The emotions never go away. You get concerned, jealous, elated, frustrated, etc. It is all in learning how to deal with those emotions. I guess, at the end of the day, if my husband all of a sudden fell in love with another woman and didn't want anything to do with me anymore, well, I don't want a relationship with that man anyway. That is not the man I married.

Some can have sex without emotions. The questions is can you guys? To thine own self be true.

u/peppermint-kiss · 4 pointsr/polyamory

The following strategies and resources are those that have proven particularly useful to me. I hope they will prove useful to you as well. I think it's helpful to approach them like an academic subject - take notes, analyze and dig deeper, look for related resources. Take your time on it and approach it like a continuing education process.


u/ejp1082 · 3 pointsr/polyamory

If your entire conception of poly is having two women in a closed relationship... then no, you're probably not poly. Or at the very least you haven't really given polyamory enough thought to draw a real conclusion.

See: So Someone Called You a Unicorn Hunter and maybe give More Than Two a read, and then reassess if it's something you want to pursue.

u/melanerpes · 3 pointsr/polyamory

Relationships change. All of them. Being able to accept that and go with the flow of life is much easier than trying to keep things the same. In my experience, the best antidote to fear and jealousy is self esteem and confidence. Whether a partner no longer wants what I have to offer or is temporarily in the throes of NRE, I have to focus on what I enjoy doing. It's not easy sometimes but accepting and trusting my partners' choices is very important. Reading More than Two helped me a lot with these issues of personal agency.

u/mysexypolypervyacct · 3 pointsr/polyamory

Yes! /u/throwawaypolymom, if you do want to understand more about how this really works, books really are a great resource. You don't have to be interested in implementing it yourself to understand the philosophy behind it, and they're better organized and argued than just our personal reddit anecdotes. They may be challenging (reading them made me so uncomfortable at first, because I was being challenged on deep-seated assumptions I'd been raised with), but there are some really wonderful resources out there. The Ethical Slut is a great first one. Sex at Dawn is nice for a more sociological perspective. More Than Two and Opening Up are also excellent. And Ask Me About Polyamory! is wonderfully light and great for little bite-size snapshots of what poly life is truly like.

u/umbricat · 3 pointsr/polyamory

Have you been doing any reading? Sometimes reading some more perspectives and guides can really help you deal with your own feelings and look at why you feel the way you do.

Some of the most-recommended books I've seen are:

If you just want someone to tell you who is right in your situation with your partner, nobody here is going to be able to help. Different people take different lengths of time to adjust to things, and different relationships need to progress at different speeds. Don't be too hard on yourself (or her) and make sure you keep communication open. :)

u/ClaytonRayG · 3 pointsr/polyamory

A common resource referenced here is More Than Two. There's a list of FAQs and articles on there that have helped me tremendously. They also have a book that I've heard high praise for (that I have not read).

With that being said, polyamory is a diverse practice. Everyone's got their own thing and there's no real set guide. The biggest thing with poly is communication. Focus on being able to express how you are feeling with others in a constructive way. I cannot stress how important communication is. Encourage your partners to be open with you. Learn to listen without assigning judgment to what you hear. If someone's feeling something it's not exactly a reflection of who you are but a manifestation of who they are. That doesn't mean don't be considerate of others but rather don't let yourself go to extremes if someone says something you've done has upset them. Accept and own your mistakes when you make them.

There will be unexpected emotions that arise. That's okay, the emotions are yours and feel them out as needed. Try not to dwell on them. Most of all is to not shut yourself out from others when dealing with them. If you need alone time to process things, let your partners know you need some time and why.

TL;DR: Talk to your partners. Don't keep things that need to be discussed inside. If you don't communicate, nothing changes.

u/justtryingtobeme · 2 pointsr/BPDlovedones

So it's a book on Polyamorous relationships, but it deals a lot with communication and boundaries, it's called More than 2. Here an Amazon link

u/caecias · 2 pointsr/mypartneristrans

I've started reading this book:

I haven't gotten that far with it yet, but it's comforting to know that other people have tried this before me and have some advice.

u/TheSunaTheBetta · 2 pointsr/wifesharing

I just realized it's been 7 years since I read that book. Haven't read that latest edition you're holding, but I remember the chapter "Embracing Conflict" (I think that's what it was called) being eye-opening to me.

If anyone out there is interested in ethical non-monogamy, or dope books about relationship skills generally, then read The Ethical Slut (and More Than Two by Rickert and Veaux, plus The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory by Winston)

u/kippybippy · 2 pointsr/nonmonogamy

Consensual/Ethical non-monogamy and polyamory are both NOT “quid-pro-quo” equations and are not meant to be handled that way.

Pick up a copy of “More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory” for a good understanding of what these non-monogamous tracks look like.

u/conekt · 2 pointsr/bisexual

There are a few books that are considered standard reading for poly people

u/meichan101 · 1 pointr/Random_Acts_Of_Amazon

A book I’ve been wanting because we’re poly, if that counts

u/agiganticpanda · 1 pointr/polyamory

Highly suggested reading:
More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory:

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures:

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships:

Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory: Before I Tried It and Frakked It Up:

Game Changer: A Memoir of Disruptive Love:

u/AutoModerator · 1 pointr/polyamoryR4R

Welcome to /r/PolyamoryR4R. This is an ethical and respectful community.

Here are some resources you might find helpful in creating and keeping healthy, ethical poly relationships:

Books: More than Two, and The Ethical Slut.

Podcasts:, and


Subreddits: /r/Polyamory

We take a hard stance against unicorn hunting.

Couples looking for a unicorn will often say they want someone to "join" their family. Poly triads are not (AB)+C. C isn't "joining" anything. You all will create something completely new; four different relationships that all need time and attention. A+B (as with any major life change, your relationship dynamic will probably shift), B+C, A+C, and A+B+C. Imposing unethical, unfair dynamics on a partner may lead to your removal from this subreddit.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

u/porncatcher · 1 pointr/sex

I highly recommend you pick up this book and read through it together. It will hit a lot of questions that you might have not of thought of and that might hurt if you hit them later.

At the least read some of their website

My girlfriend and I are polyamorus and while not the same thing as what you are going for, I'm sure you will hit many of the same problems.

u/trebmald · 1 pointr/bisexualadults

Each situation is going to be different so specific advice would be difficult. What I can do is point you towards some polyamory resources.

There are three books, all with excellent advice, that you will see recommended in most poly circles, [The Ethical Slut] (, [Opening Up] (, and [More Than Two] ( My personal favourite is More Than Two but they're all pretty good.

One of the writers of "More Than Two" has [a website] (

The polyamory forum on Reddit (/r/polyamory ) is full of wonderful and helpful people if you want to talk, ask questions, or if you need any specific advice.

I hope this helps give you a good start.

u/[deleted] · 1 pointr/polyamory

The cool thing about poly is that you have the chance to create a completely custom relationship. You can be ace and still have loving relationships that include romantic feelings, cuddling, hugs and kisses, but don't involve sex. All you have to do is be up-front about your asexuality and negotiate it into your relationship dynamic/model. It's totally cool that you get a custom car and want the cloth seats instead of the leather if it fits you better, you know?

As an aside, pick up the book More Than Two. It's a great guide on the ethics and decisions involved in polyamory

u/concertjunkie6 · 1 pointr/polyamory

a GREAT book that goes into Poly and may even help dispel or put into place a lot of fears, is a book called "More than Two."

Reading about multiple perspectives, scenarios, and well presented material helped me tremendously in understanding how poly plays into relationships. Can't recommend this book enough.

u/MoonRide303 · 1 pointr/polyamory

If you're really interested in polyamory then I'd also suggest reading about it. Poly itself isn't that hard, but a lot of unexpected emotions can happen when you attempt it, and some people trying CNM sometimes create and/or agree to rules than can later backfire and destroy the relationships, so... if you like learning from experience of others, you might want to try those:

  1. When Someone You Love Is Polyamorous - nice, short, and neutral intro to polyamory - what it is, and what it isn't. Good for family and friends, too.
  2. The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory - more personal approach, written from a girl perspective.
  3. More Than Two - detailed explanation of many things that might happen in polyamorous relationships, kind of "polyamory bible". Definitively worth reading, too.
u/Grindandrhyme · 1 pointr/psychotherapy

I'd highly recommend More Than Two

u/quirky_euphist · 1 pointr/AskWomen

More than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert. I've been poly for almost 15 years, and reading that book last year helped me to gain some perspective into what those newer to polyamory are grappling with. It's a great read if you're poly or considering it!

u/Islehaven · 1 pointr/BDSMcommunity

P.S. For advice on how to approach considering with your partner the possibility of opening up your relationship, there's a book I can recommend to you:

u/myexsparamour · 0 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Most of the books on open relationships have chapters on open relationships when there is a mismatch in either libido or sexual preferences. I especially liked the take on this in More Than Two. Have you read it already?