Reddit reviews Nobody Passes: Rejecting the Rules of Gender and Conformity

> I can't change those standards with the flick of a switch.

Long term project of bodily acceptance ahoy! Work on this slowly, don't beat yourself up for having bad days or wanting to make longer term changes, but try and think positively about what you've got. An important part of the project can be to try and give yourself positive affirmations and override negative self descriptors in your internal narrative, over time this can help even if at first it feels like you're just sort of faking it. This doesn't mean you have to like where you are, but trying to soften words like hate, or ideas like never being happy if you can't blend in immediately. You don't have to aim for happy, but aiming for unhappy but accepting and working towards changes can be a big shift.

> things aren't going my way right now and I'm at a last-ditch point where it's pass or give up on ever being happy. I know how I feel. People keep telling me how to feel but I can't just decide to be happy as I am.

Look you don't have to be happy as you are, but you have to try and accept how things are at the minute while working to change what can be changed. This is a long slow process and it sucks. Things will get better as transition goes on, but it'll take time and effort and the bit before then is going to grind and fucking suck.

Breasts: padded bras and home made breast forms are better than nothing. Go smaller rather than bigger, just something there to break up the outline of your body will do.

Clothes: two layers of not like painfully tight but snug underwear (optionally like leggings or whatever over the top as well), google search to learn the mystic arts of tucking, but TL;DR gently move testicles up/in, tuck penis down back, use underwear to hold in place, wear baggy trousers, multiple layers of skirt (look okay when I do skirts I'm into underskirts in addition).

Hair: Neaten up at hairdressers, use good shampoo/conditioning.

What am I forgetting:

• Hormones really really help, make sure you register with a new GP when you're at Uni - and get them to chase your referrals to your GIC to keep that going. For many of us blending without hormones just sucks balls and isn't going to happen, they can make the world of difference to us physically with changes, but also with mental changes. If you can afford to do so you can go private, you're UK based so see /r/transgenderUK for details on your options (one online doc, two places in London, self medding as a last resort).
  
  
• Hair removal: Costs money but can be a good investment, theoretically the NHS will give you like 6 sessions of laser, when you've battled your way through the GICs. In the mean time if you can scrape the cash for even one or two it can really lessen your facial hair by a huge margin and make everything easier. IPL is not laser, it'll stun hair but it'll come back shortly.
  
  
• Voice is also totally a thing, look into ways of practicing and start now, try /r/transvoice and threads here.
  
  
• Shaving: Look into a good razor (double edged razors and good shaving soap/cream is a good investment that up front will cost you more but will save you in the long run as well as giving you a better shave, look into /r/wicked_edge and places). You may also want to look into an epilator for doing body hair. It'll hurt (oh how it'll hurt) but its kick arse.
  
  
• Make up: Look into stuff to help conceal beard shadow (orange tone concealers) and layer foundation on top. Go for understated rather than overstated.
  
  
• Good literature: Whipping Girl, The Empire Strikes Back, Natalie Reed, Zinnia Jones, collections like Nobody Passes - you can get a lot of this stuff free online or via your University Library. Good fierce shit that helps you feel positive about yourself. Know your history, know your rights. You don't have to be a shouty, out type - but just knowing this shit and having confidence in yourself and feeling awesome about being awesome can really help.
  
  
• You time: Meditation, yoga, exercise - make your body your own, connect with it if you can stand too. If you can't carefully balanced and careful disconnecting from it can make getting through tough days easier, but that's easier if you can control how to reconnect later.
  
  
• Supportive Friends: Look into your Uni and see if they have an LGBTQ group/support structure, go along and see if you mesh with these people, if so they can be a good source of support. Failing that find cool people to hang out with, make friends with those who share your interests, having a good support structure of friends can make all the difference.
  
  
  Good luck, may the force be with you. Oh enjoy your studies as well :)

Here's my list so far. It's a mix of FTM-specific, general trans, and gender studies books, including essays, memoir, and more academic works. In no particular order:

Gender Trouble by Judith Butler


Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women and the Rest of Us by Kate Bornstein

Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation by Kate Bornstein and S. Bear Bergman


Nina Here Nor There by Nick Krieger

Female Masculinity by Judith Halberstam

Nobody Passes - Rejecting the Rules of Gender and Conformity edited by Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore


Whipping Girl by Julia Serano


How Sex Changed: A History of Transexuality in the United States by Joanne Meyerowitz

Becoming a Visible Man by Jamison Green

Queer Theory, Gender Theory: An Instant Primer by Riki Wilchins

PoMoSexuals: Challenging Assumptions About Gender and Sexuality edited by Carol Queen

Genderqueer: Voices From Beyond the Sexual Binary edited by Joan Nestle

From the Inside Out: Radical Gender Transformation, FTM and Beyond edited by Morty Diamond

Second Son by Ryan Sallans

Why are Faggots So Afraid of Faggots? by Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore

and the must-read fiction:

Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg

I'll edit this if I can find any others, I'm probably missing a couple. Been a big non-fiction reading year for me!

EDIT: Edited to add links, and a few more on my wish list I haven't picked up yet.

Letters for my Brothers: Transitional Wisdom in Retrospect edited By Megan M. Rohrer, M.Div. & Zander Keig, M.SW.

That's Revolting!: Queer Strategies for Resisting Assimilation edited by Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore

Transgender Voices: Beyond Women and Men by Lori B. Girshick

Just Add Hormones: An Insider's Guide to the Transsexual Experience by Matt Kailey

The Testosterone Files: My Hormonal and Social Transformation from Female to Male by Max Wolf Valerio

• Nobody Passes: Rejecting the Rules of Gender and Conformity

Awesome, and congrats on all the work you're doing! Good luck moving; I always find that process really stressful, but then settling into a new place is great.

Self-Reliance really helped me out early in transition, and so did the book Nobody Passes, in case you want to check it out once you're in your new place.

There's a really good book called Nobody Passes. The basic idea is that ALL of us are trying to pass as something, and have fears about whether or not we're succeeding. Some of us are just attempting to pass on things that are more ... controversial, I suppose? I am not trans*, but I am a Lesbian married to a dude, I was raised Mormon, and I have always felt like I don't fit in anywhere. Reading the book was a great dose of solidarity for me, to know there were others out there who felt out of place.

TIL /u/bawkedybawk is the only other person in the sub wishing for this book! One day I will read it... seems almost a rite of passage lol.

There are a couple of books that I think your library may have (or be able to get through interlibrary loan).

Nobody Passes,
Delusions of Gender,
She's Not the Man I Married.

The last book is the sequel to an earlier one, and is probably one that would speak most to what you seem to be asking in this post.

When I'm having a discussion about gender, one of the visual analogies I like to do is this (motions in italics, spoken is not italics):

(take a piece of paper, like 8½ x 11 or A1)
All humans have emotions and feelings and desires and hope and longings.
start tearing the paper into smaller squares
These pieces represent the feelings, hopes, desires and emotions we all have.
there should be one pile now
Each society and culture decides which of these human things is masculine and which is feminine
split the pile into 2 piles
One pile is for humans with penises, the other for humans with vaginas.
take 1-2 pieces from each pile and put them into the other
As long as one mostly conforms to society's idea of what belongs in each pile, a little difference is acceptable.
take a lot more than 1-2, but less than half from each pile and pop it into the other pile
But when too much of you is different from what society expects, you get called sissy, fag, dyke, queer, tomboy and other bad & cruel things. Bad enough that some people will attack and beat you for being different. Long before children know what sex is, they're beating each other for being too different while denouncing the victim as a fag or lezzie. And even as adults, the violence gets called things like "hate crime" and "gay bashing" and sometimes results in death.
now take almost all of it, more than half of each pile and toss them into the other pile
And sometimes, you get so far from what society expects that you get like this. Where you are convinced that you're in the wrong body. That's usually called "gender dysphoria*.

From there, there is usually a discussion with questions and answers, and it is OK for the answers to be "I don't know" or "I don't know yet".

I don't know if your SO was victimized in school, but that can make some folks think that they're really more of the wrong sex than they really are (as in they're really "just a sissy" and not "a woman trapped in a man's body"). This is grossly over-simplified, but I think it gives an idea of what a real therapist would be needed to identify. And please don't think I'm disparaging sissies, transgendered people or anyone in between.

It is normal for you to not be attracted if your SO transitions - because attraction and sexual identity is very important; and people rarely look into where it comes from and why. It isn't reasonable to say "well, it is still the same person inside" because it is extremely common to lose attraction (and become disgusted) when your partner gains large amounts of weight. It is still the same person inside, but the package is not what we're looking for. I'm sorry. You're sorry. We're all sorry.

It's not about Stonewall, but Gay New York: Gender, Urban Culture, and the Making of the Gay Male World, 1890-1940 explores a lot of interesting stuff most people don't know about. I took Chauncey's queer history class at Yale. It was amazing.

As for trans* stuff, I'd recommend a lot of theory. Judith Butler mainly. I'd also recommend Nobody Passes: Rejecting the Rules of Gender and Conformity.

If you're a GSM, or know any GSMs, it becomes clearly obvious that much of it is nurture. Even if you're not or don't know anyone, you should read about it if you're interested. I'd suggest this and this