Reddit reviews On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss

Just remain positive and supportive!!! She may not want to talk about all the negative feelings she's having. Reinforce that she's done a wonderful thing for the baby and the couple. Let her know that she can talk with you about any good or negative feelings she's having. It may take a couple months until she's comfortable talking about it very openly. (It took me about four-five months to stop feeling super depressed like I just wanted to die.) Now I really like talking about the adoption and the baby. But she will be going through the stages of grief; even though her baby didn't die, her baby is gone from her, so she'll still be experiencing A LOT of grief over this loss. Allow her the space and time to grief. It's not a process you can rush; it's something that comes and goes throughout life. Just call her sometimes. Check up on her. Don't forget about her. Ask her how she is. Don't forget about her!!!!! She probably already feels very isolated because it's not a normal decision anyway to place a child for adoption, and there are still people out there who think it's a crime to give up your "own flesh and blood." You can ask her directly about the baby and the adoption. Sometimes I refrain from talking about it to people who already know about it because I think they must be tired of hearing about it or aren't interested, but I'm always happy to have the opportunity to talk about it when someone asks me a question about it. Being able to retell stories and talk about our grief to another person is a very important step in being able to process grief over a loss. It does wonders to be able to have someone else be sympathetic and understanding about the situation. And of course, you won't be able to understand completely what she's feeling right now unless you too have lost a child in some way, but you can still listen and give her your support.

Some birthmothers don't like certain terms such as "giving up a child" for adoption or "surrendering" a child or "gifting" a child. Personally, I couldn't care less. But you could ask her. To be safe, you can say the child was "placed" for adoption. I haven't yet heard anyone being offended by that wording.

>I'm trying very hard not to let my own sadness known to her or let it effect any support I can give her.

Exactly. If you care about her and her well-being, do not tell her that it makes you sad. If she's sad, you can make it clear that you do empathize with her sadness, but don't tell her something like "your decision makes me sad" because that can convey a mixed message like maybe you disapprove, and that would be the opposite of what she needs right now. And it may make her not want to talk to you about the adoption anymore. She's going to be overly and sometimes irrationally sensitive for a while. She'll eventually get better.

EDIT: If you want to send her a gift, you could send her this book. It's primarily about death, but it has resonated with me a lot regarding grieving the placement of my bio child for adoption. Or you could just send her some body wash or lotion! That's always nice.

On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.

This is one of the most well known books on grief. It's not specifically atheist, but it does not have a religious or spiritual angle. It is very much NOT about platitudes to make you feel better or ways of thinking about the concept of death. It is about the process of grief and about understanding your own feelings during grief, which is extremely healthy and useful. There are descriptions of specific people's experiences, and I am sure that some of them may mention spiritual aspects, but it's only presented as a particular case of how a particular person's emotions manifested themselves.

Both my parents had terminal cancer at the same time, and I found this book to be very useful. Please PM me if you want to chat about anything.

I don’t know if you’re still looking for books but if you are, you might want to look at On Grief and Grieving

Modern Loss is a great website and I also like their book: Modern Loss

A good book to read would be Kubler-Ross's On Grief and Grieving.

We just lost a dear friend (from diagnosis to death - 3 months) ourselves. As one person mentioned, please try to write down your thoughts. It's a form of therapy. I'm so sorry for your loss.