Reddit Reddit reviews Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction

We found 11 Reddit comments about Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.

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Codependency
Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction
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11 Reddit comments about Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction:

u/acceptedintegrated · 10 pointsr/polyamory

Hi! I am a recovering Sex and Love Addict and I am also poly. I took a break from dating last year when I got called in by a partner for some of my toxic behavior. I am currently with just my anchor partner who I've been with for almost 3 years. At the time of my call in I had too many partners to count and I was using people and behaving in very toxic and abusive ways. Sex and love was my drug and people were my sources of supply.

This is what I did when I thought I had a problem but wasn't sure what to do.

Here is a link to the SLAA 40 questions for self diagnosis. When I took it I answered yes to 35 of them and it was pretty clear to me that I had a problem and should go to a meeting.

There is also a reading called the Characteristics of Sex and Love Addiction that I also recommend reading.

If you decide you think you have a problem and would like to find help you can find a meeting here.

I also went to a therapist that specialized in treating sex and love addiction. Look for someone that specializes, also the book Out of the Shadows, by Patrick Carnes is really good to read.

There is also a subreddit r/SexAddiction that is really helpful. It's small, but very supportive. I'm a mod, come on over.

You don't have to live this way. You deserve better. A year ago my life was completely out of control and I was harming everyone close to me. Today I have a much more simple and stable life. I am not acting out or causing harm to my loved ones or my community. I'm in the process of doing the work so that I can make amends to those I've harmed. My life used to be incredibly small, completely focused on sex and love and the finding ways to get more. It was a hell of my own creation. Today the obsession has lifted and I have a life that is beyond what I could even dream of back then. You can do it too, I'm not special, I was just willing to admit I had a problem and that I needed help from people who'd been where I was and were now living better.

u/SuperSecretAlt · 8 pointsr/AskReddit

You are not alone

I know exactly what you are going through. I am working through the exact same issue. I heavily used porn since i was about 12 or 13 and am now 32 and am proud to say i'm now at 4 weeks porn free. Your intuitions are 100% correct, living a double life in which you have to hide your "true self" from everybody wreaks havoc on you psychologically and emotionally.

I would strongly recommend you start with two books, the first is the Porn Trap and the second is Out of the Shadows. I would also suggest you find Sex Addicts Anonymous group near you and force yourself to go. The first week i went i chickened out in the parking lot and left...it's hard, scary and embarrassing at first, but worth it.

You are not alone, you are not a bad person, you are not that unique, you just need help to get rid of your toxic shame around your sexuality.

If you would like any more information, or simply somebody to talk to, respond to me here and i would be happy to give you my phone number.

u/AddictionPro · 3 pointsr/addiction

I understand how much shame you're feeling, and how difficult it is to share with anyone in your life. Good for you for recognizing that something is wrong. Also, I agree with your instinct -- get help -- or it will get worse. Try starting with this book: [Out of the Shadows] (http://amzn.com/1568386214), or anything else you can find written by Patrick Carnes. There's a ton of great help out there for you. You're definitely not alone in this. Good luck to you.

u/ceramicfiver · 3 pointsr/NoFap

"Only downvote things that are abusive and/or off-topic."

>This man is similar to the mold that grows on the backside of a toilet which has not been cleaned in years.

How respectful of you.

>I'm not trying to diss the fellow, that's just what he is.

So you give yourself an excuse to diss him because he is supposedly dissing himself? I swear I've heard the same argument come from homophobes.

This is why I downvoted you, and the final straw of why I'm unsubscribing from this sub.

Clearly, you are extrapolating far too much about a person from a single image, only to carry out your own narrative about masturbation being inherently bad. I'm well aware that "not judging" somebody is effectively impossible but we can at least take steps to THINK about what we say before we say it. And by submitting your comment you're continuing the culture of religious fanaticism that this subreddit has decayed into. This is not 17th century Puritan New England and doesn't have to be. Just because we find masturbation as unhealthy for our personal well-being doesn't mean the rest of the world shouldn't do it.

To continue the religion metaphor, this subreddit is a giant circle jerk over the Your Brain On Porn series like Christian Fundamentalists obsess over the Bible. /r/NoFap offers few other venues for help although there are many out there like Carnes, Collins, Keystone Center and similar in-patient programs, and simply studying human sexuality to gain a better understanding of it. A peek at what the scientific data have to say about our particular issues can tell us why we're going through what we are rather than what to do about it. I may not believe in free will, but I’m a firm believer that knowledge changes perspective, and perspective changes absolutely everything. Once you have that, you don’t need anyone else’s advice.

Meanwhile, I've seen posts and comments here hyping up ridiculous claims of pseudo-scientific "energy" that you get from not masturbating. You will not save the world or cure cancer and glorifying and idolizing each other like this is a disservice to what the actual science suggests.

I'm also sick of the "only doing it for attention" meme. Just because he has your attention doesn't mean he's after it. People labeled as attention grabbers often are simply expressing their individual differences for the sake of fun yet people like you and Flatbar hammer him down as a bent nail rebelling against conformity.

Furthermore, the rampant sexism in this sub from men thinking they deserve women after so many days without masturbating is sickening. Posts and comments in /r/nofap have simplified women into false dichotomies and ridiculed them for enticing the supposed male brain, blaming women for fapstronauts' own problems.

All this and more has continued despite being called out many times since I first subscribed a year-and-a-half ago yet the moderators have done effectively nothing to curtail it besides listing various rules on the sidebar and rarely enforcing them. This has gone so far down hill that /r/nofapcirclejerk has sprouted into existence. When a circlejerk of a sub appears you know the original sub has decayed. Not to mention citing SAA as a worthwhile alternative is just as off the line since the 12-step program has effectively a zero success rate as most people who attempt it fail to find success and it continues to discriminate against non-believers.

Goodbye, /r/NoFap

u/SleuthViolet · 3 pointsr/addiction

One of the free programs I know of that might help you is [SLAA] (http://www.slaafws.org/) - Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous - in my experience it's mostly sex addicts who go not love addicts - including people with prostitute addictions. There is also SAA- Sex Addicts Anonymous, heard that it's good too or in combination. They're both based on the 12 steps and traditions of AA but with some differences and obviously no one is expected to give up sex for life. If you go, try to keep an open mind, check out different meetings not just one and "take what you like and leave the rest" - you don't have to like or agree with all of it to get a lot out of it over time plus you'll get to be with people who won't judge you and who will likely even understand or relate. Sex addicts I've encountered in my years have highly recommended the books of Patrick Carnes though I haven't read any myself. A book I have read that I thought was great, short and to the point is Escape From Intimacy. Good luck with your journey to sane living.

u/FacepalmExpress · 3 pointsr/AskReddit

Level 2 Sex addict (not offender)

(from Pat Carnes' book Out of the Shoadws)

u/HoyAIAG · 3 pointsr/Marriage

My wife is in a 12 step program for sex addiction. I would recommend for you either Alanon or Coslaa. Also some helpful books:

http://a.co/6gmkKTa


http://a.co/eE13tLX


http://a.co/ah9SKGz

Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction https://www.amazon.com/dp/1568386214/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_RZE9yb3PHPR1N

u/fuck_gawker · 3 pointsr/ValhallaChallenge

Carne's Out Of The Shadows was one of the first books I read when I began this journey. It helped me to understand that I wasn't alone, that other people have gotten themselves in and out of the mess that I had gotten myself into, and that that they (including all of you here) could help me to find the way out.

u/motivational_tweaker · 2 pointsr/psychotherapy

Highly recommend Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes; pretty much anything by Carnes (sex addiction is his specialty) is fantastic.

It's also worth reading the SAA Big Book.

u/zyff · 2 pointsr/pornfree

I have some prayers written down, that I like to read to myself. I also go for walks, or play games on my phone (I just have to be sure to turn off the data connection on my phone first, if I already know I'm feeling weak.)

I've been into porn and masturbation for 12 years, and away from porn and masturbation for about 2 months. For me, it meant getting away from the momentary remedies when the temptation arose, to attacking at the core. I read Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes, and then started attending an SAA group. It's been a big help to me. It's a pretty drastic and aggressive approach, but I wish I had done it sooner. This was all AFTER getting married and having two kids.

u/standsure · 1 pointr/NoFap

you might like to read this

and you might like to cross post here - https://www.reddit.com/r/SEXAA/?

You're not alone.

I found relief through working the 12 steps from my sex addiction. I pray you can find your way to peace.

For me it was surrendering to my sexuality to my Higher Power.
Ive been sober for just over eight months - I don't think that would have been possible for me without the fellowship of fellow addicts.

It took me a long time to come to terms with that label and that my behaviour was unhealthy, but I figure, just because my drug of choice is a chemical released in my brain doesn't make me less of an addict.

I carry my meth lab around in my skull.