Reddit reviews Playing Fair: A Guide to Nonmonogamy for Men into Women (Thorntree Fundamentals)

This is a common scenario for married men. It can take a long, long time to get a date, and some guys (like me) never even manage to make it that far. "About a month or two" of trying is not a long time at all.

I recommend he check out Pepper Mint's book and blog post for advice, guidance, and a bit of perspective. It's important that he realize it's not just him and it happens to many men. Kevin Patterson's foreword to the book is especially eye-opening (and can be previewed for free on Amazon).

Reading your post, the situation that you described feels immensely similar with I felt when me(M) and my SO(F) begun exploring the idea of nonmonogamy.

For me was (and sometimes continues to be) difficult letting go some societal norms that us, men, are biased to believe that are true. I'm a kind of protective guy, and was troubled by the possibility of other guy not respect her — or treat her well — like I do. But as u/twinkleztar put, in different manner, we need to work towards understand your autonomy and agency to choose and protect yourself. I don't know if you let him participate in the process of choosing your partners could help — I don't participate and don't like this approach, but this is for my specific case, for example.

Another issue that troubled me had more relation with my insecurities and self-esteem — and for us various of these issues are reflected by how we are seen by other men, or how our sense of 'masculine' was built. Again, many gender norms predates how we see ourselves and how we relate with women in general.

When my SO revealed that she was interested in some colleague of her, and fucking him, whereas we already 'did the nonmonogamy talk', I felt emasculated and, for some extent, being in a second plane. Society tells that, for us, when 'our girls' fucks other guy, we are in some form a 'inferior' man. But we reached a point where both of us desired, after all, that was the time to happen, and she went and fuck her colleague. Was difficult, there were problems and was a rolle coaster of emotions for me, but we grew stronger after this.

I find useful, as a man, to work towards strengthen my self-esteem, confidence, and nurture a more healthy vision of masculinity that not is based in preconceived notions of property of other body or 'soul', and to guarantee the free agency of my SO.

Finally, some resources I find useful (besides some of already cited in this thread):

Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

Is extremely useful for both of you design what kind of deals could work for you

Polyamory and Jealousy: A More Than Two Essentials Guide

Specific for jealousy, offers valuable tools for dealing with it

The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships

Another precious resource

Playing Fair: A Guide to Nonmonogamy for Men into Women

This is specific for men dealing with diverse situations in nonmonogamy

https://www.amazon.com/Playing-Fair-Nonmonogamy-Thorntree-Fundamentals-ebook/dp/B074WDQCSM/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=nonmonogamy+for+men&qid=1553709907&s=gateway&sr=8-1

Playing Fair: A Guide to Nonmonogamy for Men into Women. Guess I can start here.