Reddit reviews Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

It is a better solution than the bottle, you're right...
For me, the critical factor was that I realized I often saw myself Not At My Best while high. I've been smoking every day for the last 3 years. Today is my first day sober. I decided to put a stop to hazing out my mind because I saw a lot of areas where I would like to feel less hazy. For instance, in conversations, I often just anxiously and self-consciously stress about what to say, or about the last thing I said, thinking it wasn't good enough. It's like I can see myself SAYING all the right things, but the FEELING isn't there. I'm not very good at getting my heart across to people while blazed. I really want to be my best for my relationships.

Green also helped me to leave a lot of unsuccessful relationships. It allowed me to feel happy just being alone, so I didn't feel like my loneliness was driving me to hold onto relationships that weren't completely fulfilling. But now I KNOW what to look for in good relationships, and I want to be at my best so I can provide for others in the same way I hope they will provide for me. I want to make new friends who are in touch with their feelings and their inner power - the knowledge that we all have special gifts we can bring to the world to make it a better place for everyone. Green made me satisfied with the boring life I was leading - with my silly routines of Facebook, Reddit, smoking, repeat.

I did find it easier to read while high, to shut out distractions. But now that I know what it's like to focus intently, I think I can do it without green. I look at my time with trees as a valuable learning experience - I learned what's important to me, and what I need to do and think in order to be minimally happy. But it doesn't make me maximally happy, and that's not good enough. I couldn't just pick up and go camping, or go wander around the beach or gardens for hours. I would be worried about how to get high and who might be watching. It's just not the same, to constantly be looking at myself from the outside and wondering if I'm doing good enough but silently knowing I'm not doing my best. Being content is not the same as fulfilling my true potential. Being satisfied is not the same as engaging in thrilling relationships. I want MORE!

The trick really is convincing yourself that it's the right thing to do. The problem now is that you "don't know" if it's right. You suspect things could be better, but you're not sure.

As far as I know, it gets both better and worse. I heard someone on here say that you need to accept that some activities will simply not be as fantastic as they seemed while high. But the benefit comes in viewing one's life as a whole - saying, Even though I can't absorb myself completely in this movie in the way I used to, now I can use my mental faculties better to feel like my life as a whole is moving in a coherent direction that I control.

The feeling of being a slave to one's desires is really shitty. You can free yourself if that is your one goal! You need to give up the goal of feeling Okay All The Time, and allow yourself to process the idea of living intensely. On one hand you could be high and content, or on the other you could be sober and fully recognize the depth of your anger, sadness, joy, boredom, curiosity, love, anxiety, doubt, frustration... All of these feelings are divine. They are all useful and lead you to a better awareness of yourself and how to contribute to the wellbeing of the world as a whole.

The first step is self-compassion. I started reading [this book] (http://www.amazon.com/Self-Compassion-Beating-Yourself-Insecurity-Behind/dp/0061733512) yesterday and it really made me feel awesome and totally capable of taking on this task. The jist of it is: Recognize the legitimacy of your feelings. Don't condemn them and try to bury and ignore your emotions with green. When you feel you are suffering, acknowledge your right to feel that way and try to nurture yourself as you would a good friend. I used to turn to green when I would think, "I shouldn't be feeling this way, I should be productive. I should be nice to everyone." But that's just not reasonable. I used green because it felt like BOTH relaxing AND being productive at the same time. I think the trick for sober living is separating out those desires. Allow yourself to rest sometimes, regenerating yourself - If you feel like you need to be completely relaxed in order to be regenerating, you've missed the point. It's okay to acknowledge how stressed you feel - "I've been trying my hardest but I can't be perfect all the time. I'm being a bit too hard on myself. Maybe I could write about my feelings." Only feel like you "should be doing work" when you feel self-confident and self-compassionate. If you feel negatively toward yourself, your gifts, and your purpose, you will sabotage your productivity and convince yourself you need green in order to proceed.

A great quote from T.S. Eliot:

What is this self inside us, this silent observer, /
Severe and speechless critic, who can terrorize us /
And urge us on to futile activity /
And in the end, judge us still more severely /
For the errors into which his own reproaches drove us?

The point is - You're being really mean to yourself when you tell yourself "I can't get anything done unless I'm high." Your remorse and self-loathing perpetuates the cycle. Try to be kinder to yourself, acknowledging your strengths as well as your human shortcomings, like the need to get plenty of rest.

It's okay to not get to every item on your To-Do list every day. Handling everything "straight" means shifting from one task to another as you are most comfortable. When you feel stressed and incapable of proceeding, don't sit down to a bowl. Post on this sub-reddit or engage in some creative activity. Try to get in touch with your unique passions. Hold out hope for a day when you can wake up and walk out the door and live your life however you want, without feeling like "I need to smoke in order to accomplish X".

Listen to [this song] (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5E2wVNss98). Make your own mix of calming, self-assuring music that you do not associate with using.

Take it one day at a time!!! It gets overwhelming to think too far into the future, about whether you're 'ultimately making the right decision.' Fear comes from wondering whether you're heading in the right direction. Yet you say yourself you've been heading in this direction for the last year. Acknowledge that At Least Trying Out Living Sober Is Your Goal Right Now. It's YOUR GOAL! Not anyone else's! So you need to be honest with yourself about what it would really take to reach your goal. The answer is, take it one step at a time.

I think like this:
1 Day: I'm doing better at acknowledging my deepest feelings and true needs than I have in 3 years; I will be patient and loving toward myself. |
10 Days: I will start to feel normal again. |
14 Days: I will experience a burst of energy; I can start hardcore engaging with the world again. |
30 Days: Shit is pretty much out of my system. |
90 Days: I start feeling really happy about my decision and life in general; I can do everything I need to do by giving myself adequate planning and resting time.

You've already experimented with how you will look at the world differently with trees. Now convince yourself that now is the right time to experiment with how you will look at the world post-trees. You will not revert to the person you were before you started smoking. You have learned a lot about yourself and the nature of human relationships in the last few years. Now is the time to apply yourself completely to your goals. Life is not supposed to be happy all the time; it's supposed to be a crazy twisty-turny process of finding out who you are. You've discovered a lot about yourself recently, but you are bored because there is nothing new to learn. The only direction for further personal development is seeing what you are like without any mind-altering substances.

Give yourself a right to feel the way you do. You are in pain, unsure about your purpose in life and your capabilities. You are medicating a tender heart by trying to shut it off from the world. Your heart is not engaged with your work when you are only doing it to get by. After you decide to see what you are really like, you will experience the strength to carry out your purpose. If you do find yourself still smoking, try not to beat yourself up. Instead, calmly assess your feelings. "Why am I doing this right now?" As you begin to problem-solve your reasons for using, it will be easier to imagine a future without use. You just have to picture yourself as sober and happy; believe that it can happen - affirm to yourself that's what you want - and you will be able to do it.

Good luck! We're always here for you!

Yup that makes three of us, I'm sure there's more people in this subreddit like this.

I know I have lost friends and relationships over this thing, so here's the conclusions that I have reached, please correct me if I'm wrong because I also need the feedback:

• It's all about being social nowadays isn't it? social media, social networks, everything is SOCIAL now, the internet used to be the one public place where we could hide in but not anymore, we're living in introvert's hell in a way, good thing there's places where we can meet where we don't have to take pictures of ourselves and can just write anonymously right? (thank you for this reddit)
  
  
• I think all introverts at some point realize that even though we have been like this since we were born, the world as it is right now is not made for the introvert but for the extrovert. Being social is seen as a quality whereas being withdrawn is seen as a defect of character, I never knew what the world was like for left-handed people until now.
  
  
• We are introverts till the day we die, we are never going to like being social as much as the next guy but that's ok because we hold a lot of wonderful and amazing things in higher regard than becoming socialites. That being said I don't think introverts want to be stigmatized as social outcasts (everyone wants to feel included) so until people become more tolerant about it we have to work on our social skills but without straining ourselves unnecessarily.
  
• As it is pointed out in this neat little article right there on the right hand side of the screen there's a difference between being introverted and being shy, so we have to work on dealing with the shyness (if we have it) as much as possible, perhaps it is a matter of raising self-esteem or as it is now more aptly called: self-compassion.
  
  
• In some other cases it may be a matter of learning how to trust people more, even strangers (I know it takes me a while to warm up to people) so we can talk to them as easily as we do to the people that we have known for years.
  
  
• We have to work on our people skills, social etiquette, emotional intelligence, perhaps learn how small talk even if we hate it (I know, I know, boring conversations we can't relate to, etc.)
  
  
• BUT we also have to learn the limits of this: first and foremost that we cannot ever become extroverts, so if we can't get it 100% right in social situations and can never learn to enjoy socialization as much as the rest of society THAT IS OK, if we can educate the people that love us into understanding us, they will eventually learn to tolerate what they may perceive as shortcomings. Socialization is not our biggest strength but we have many others and we have bigger fish to fry.
  
  
• Finally, I believe it is important to present yourself as you are, yes "faking it till you make it" is an invaluable tool that can take you very very far, especially if avoiding social situations is becoming an obstacle in your career or love life, but if you fake it all the time (especially with people you are intimate with) and create a false persona, eventually you're gonna get tired and the mask is going to fall off and although it is unfair, people are going to be disappointed.
  
  Better to be with people that know you are an introvert and know that you are trying your best, than with people that only like you because they think you're an extrovert and as years go by, come to realize that you are not.
  
  THAT being said, I wouldn't begin courting someone by stating that I'm an introvert, I might as well say that I'm shy weirdo, not very sexy (of course, this may change in the future).
  
  (I brought enough grammatical errors for everyone, please don't get excited about pointing them out, English is my second language and I'm at work so I can't proofread what I just wrote)

I'm not sure how recovered I am, but here's what's happened so far!

• Before learning about narcissism (from age 18 till 2.5-ish years ago): depression, anxiety/panic attacks, suicidal ideation, procrastination/workaholism (two sides of the same coin), total codependent & people pleaser, hated my life situations but thought it was me being stupid and turned it inwards.
  
• (2.5-ish yrs ago) Went to therapy for the depression. Learned about how mean I was to myself in my head. Read this book, and began to learn how to talk to myself kindly. Learned that it was okay to like/want things just because, and that me having needs doesn't have to hurt others. This was mostly in very superficial ways, like pursuing the desire to learn how to knit.
  
• Moved, went to another therapist who, after a month, gave me tons of book suggestions to read on narcissism. My world was CHANGED. (Many of these books have been referenced on RBN... is there a list somewhere?) Read read read read about narcissism. Started to pull back from communication with parents. (Had talked more than once a week at that point.) Felt uncomfortable but I was realizing how I felt when I talked to them.
  
• On a visit with Nparents, got up the courage to act differently and notice what happened. They threw tantrums. Within 2 months I was NC with both of them. I was terrified. Kept going to therapy, kept reading, then switched to group therapy that's focused on dealing with interpersonal conflict within the group and overcoming your conditioning.
  
• 7-8 months after NC, admitted to myself that my career wasn't a good fit for me, started researching what would fit me best, looked into going back to school. A huge burst in my vitality and joy. Stopped worrying about my parents, despite the NC. In the meantime, kept working on changing my communication style, saying what I need, not worrying so much about what others think and controlling for their approval - I was practicing this with my husband and with my friends.
  
• As of January 2015: started school, and my world opened up being amongst my peers again (adults in a 10-year span around my age, mostly). I am seeing how wonderful many people are. I'm paying attention to discerning what I like and don't like about others, and am trying my best to not worry if others like me, and am worrying more about being authentic to what I value, because I now know that by doing that, those who are well-matched for me will self-select. This has all caused me to peel back the onion again, and now I'm realizing how incompatible my husband and I are, and how much I chose to be with him because I was desperate for love, and needed someone to love me. I'm thinking about this a lot, and also continuing to pursue what feels good in other areas of life, so that I keep listening to myself.
  
  I'm not sure if you're asking for advice, but here are the things I think are most important in recovery:
  
  
• find some way to put what you learn into action. Think of concrete ways to test out new ways of relating at work, or with your friends. Join a support group that encourages self-reflection and personal responsibility (not the kind where you take responsibility for MORE than your share, but for your own behavior). It will feel super scary and risky, but the reward for the risk for me has been bountiful.
  
• pay very close attention to your own feelings when interacting with others. Think more about your own discernment than about what others think of you. Trust that you'll love yourself and you'll be loved even if you aren't perfect.
  
  And yes, I need to take my own advice, and yes, I need to say those things to myself every day. :-P
  
  I hope that helps! I'm not sure if there's a post with all the great RBN book suggestions, but if there isn't, just tell me and I'll try to comment here with some that have helped me.
  
  (edit: formatting)

BOOKS ARE YOUR FRIENDS!! Seriously! I left an emotionally abusive relationship last year and read probably a dozen books (in addition to about 8 months of therapy). I think probably the most interesting, for me, was "Victory over Verbal Abuse" by Patricia Evans because she explained abuse concepts so clearly.

From there, I read other confidence-building books like those from Kristen Neff and Brene Brown.

I'm nearly finished reading Self Compassion by Kirstin Neff and it's been a real life changer within my every day and during meditations.

Kristen Neff and Christopher Germer have published books on self compassion. I haven't read the Germer book but Neff's book is really great.

Also, theres a website that has some meditation practices and other materials that might be useful to you to try out before buying the book. I took a 4 week workshop when I was in graduate school and it was awesome. Its probably hard with your little one, but if you can attend a workshop in person, or even online I think you'll find it to be really helpful.

Trust me when I say, anxiety is tough and its hard for other people to 'react' to someone who has anxiety. People without experience will often try to 'make you feel better' by saying 'oh its ok' or 'what are you even worried about'- which is NEVER what you really want to hear. With self compassion i found that I didn't need to rely on others around me (as much) to help deal with my anxiety.

Just read this book.

The whole idea that is self-esteem is wrong. We created the idea of self-esteem.

Happiness is found within, not something you decide on based on your success or failure, uniqueness, or anything else external.

I know this sounds like one of those cliche self-help books, but I met the author, she knows her shit.

Hug yourself. See how corny that feels? Society has taught us that it's corny. Self-love is right, they're wrong.

Sure.

The theory behind the book is that we spend a lot of time telling ourselves that we should be doing better, why are we working harder/faster/better/stronger, etc. (I'm sure you're familiar with what I'm talking about)

What the book helps teach you to do is to turn a positive light on all Tue hardships in your life, and by doing so, you free up mental capacity to think better about your problems.

For me, it was like the icing on the cake that solidified my escape from depression.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0061733512?pc_redir=1404818741&robot_redir=1

Dr. Kristin Neff's book "Self-Compassion" is really good for self-esteem/efficacy. It has been helpful for both myself and my clients. Each chapter also has exercises that you could easily do as a group activity or "homework" assignment. It's a fairly easy read too.

http://www.amazon.com/Self-Compassion-Proven-Power-Being-Yourself/dp/0061733512/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1427558729&sr=1-1&keywords=self+compassion

I was introduced to self-compassion by my first counselor a few years back and it's really made a difference in my life. Let's see... Wikipedia has a decently succinct page about it if you want to see if it's really something you're interested in. Beyond that, there aren't a ton of articles on the topic in psych literature because it was only formally introduced in the west in 2003 by Kristen Neff, but there are some studies indicating that it may be useful for helping people dealing with anxiety and depression. I don't have any of them on me right now, but if you search for "self-compassion" in Google Scholar, articles do turn up, many by Kristen Neff. Speaking of Dr. Neff, I found her book to be helpful in understanding the concepts involved in self-compassion as well as finding ways to implement some of the ideas in daily life through exercises that she includes. She also has a website with a little more information, but I don't personally use it very often. Another researcher that I've heard of is Christopher Germer, but I don't believe I've read any of his works, so I don't know how good his stuff is.

Hope this helps!