Reddit reviews Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
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William Morrow Paperbacks
I'm a doctoral candidate in clinical psych and a therapist, so here's my two cents on this phenomena. Please remember that this information is a generalization based off of existing research and observation of humans--there are always exceptions to any rule.
One thing I often tell my patients is that we notice negative events more often because the positive stuff is happening all the time. Think of it like bad reviews on Yelp. Most of the time, if you had a decent experience somewhere, unless the experience was exceptional you're probably unlikely to post about said experience. Whereas if something bad happened, you definitely want to tell the world, right?
Secondly, negative emotions are associated with the release of a lot of different neurotransmitters and hormones, such as cortisol and epinephrine (adrenaline). Both of those stimulate our nervous systems to enter fight/flight mode--this is a heightened state of arousal. Generally speaking, positive emotions don't put us into fight or flight mode unless we perceive something as a threat.
This is the same reason that we are more inclined to remember nightmares rather than dreams. Nightmares release the same chemicals and wake us (very quickly) from sleep.
All of that said, as to why we "seek" risky behaviors, that's all human nature. If you tell a kid "no" to something, what are they going to try and do? They'll find a way to do it. It's quite possible that this is because we like adrenaline rushes (and that's why adrenaline junkies exist).
Lastly, violence, drugs and vices are not usually seen as negative experiences by the people who partake in them. Mostly because they are getting some positive reinforcement from their brains--usually a flooding of dopamine (the feel good neurotransmitter).
TL;DR: Good stuff happens more so we don't always see it and being bad makes us feel good sometimes (like sneaking cookies from the cookie jar).
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Edit: If you are struggling with negative thinking, please consider seeing a therapist! Additionally, here are some resources for changing the way you think!
Books:
Grounding Apps:
Cognitive Distortions (Twisted Thinking):
Self-esteem is bogus. Research has started to say so, after years of promoting self-esteem in schools. It either leads to self-beration (like you are doing) or narcissistic behavior...it wasn't the cure-all that they originally once thought it was.
What they are finding is that self-compassion is the key. Check out the research here: https://self-compassion.org/
Kristen Neff's book Self-Compassion is utterly fantastic: https://www.amazon.com/Self-Compassion-Proven-Power-Being-Yourself/dp/0061733520. It will help stop the self-beration, the inner put-downs, etc. In turn, it helps you love other people more easily as well (including yourself!)
(Also....if you are clinically depressed, that might be another issue. If you are, there's nothing wrong with seeing somebody and taking medication for it. Meds don't make you happy, but they do help our brains to get back to working normally.)
I have a couple of books to suggest reading that have helped me a lot with that issue. The first one is Mindset, by Carol Dweck and it approaches the concept of growth mindset VS fixed mindset. To its core, the idea is that a growth mindset is more inclined to try new things out, sees practice as a necessary exercise to get better at something, and sees mistakes/failures as lessons to take in stride.
This book helped me a lot because I find that we live in a time where as members of the Western Society (sorry if I assumed wrongly), we expect to a) be successful at everything we try and b) get everything instantly. The problems with these assumptions is that we usually suck at anything we start, and because we realise we're crap and can't get the results instantly, we think we've failed and we become unhappy.
If you ever watch East Asian dramas or read mangas or watch animes (slightly gross generalisation, sorry if I offend), there is usually an element of growth. The main character will fail at something, but eventually keep practicing until they get there. They don't focus on the end result, but on the process of learning, of making mistakes and learning lessons from them. We've forgotten how to do that, and instead of being encouraged to persevere past our mistakes, we're just told to find something else we're good at, which is counter-productive given that we're usually not good at anything we've never done before.
The second book will sound a little soppy, but I definitely think it's worth a read. It's Self-Compassion, by Kristin Neff and the premise is simply to be more accepting of yourself and your mistakes (not in a lovey-dovey way, just "ok cool, I fucked up, time to move on"). She posits that self-esteem isn't as useful as self-compassion because self-esteem usually means you have to make yourself feel better by comparing yourself with someone/something else ("Oh look, I must be so good at this because everyone else is rubbish), which means you are still somehow reliant on external factors. This is not an ideal situation because you're still subject to fear of failure or rejection by others.
Self-compassion, on the other hand, helps you see that everyone makes mistake, and it not only helps you learn to be kinder towards yourself (this is especially important if you find yourself criticising yourself and blaming yourself for not doing something because you've been procrastinating), it also helps you be more accepting of others, because you realise we're all the same. This is especially helpful to learn to deal with other people's judgement, because you can see that what they say and how they act towards you is a reflection on themselves, not you (if I'm an arse to someone on the tube, I was probably impatient or annoyed with something, for example).
It does sound a little wishy-washy, but I think it's self-compassion that truly helps someone understand that everyone makes mistakes, and that when you make one, not only should you remember that someone has almost definitely made a worse one, but also that you can move on from it, so it's ok to fuck up. With a growth mindset, you'll learn to be ok with making mistakes, and maybe even seek to make them when you realise you learn by failing and not by succeeding (well, most of the time). You may also become more comfortable with uncertainty and seek regular practice in a subject rather than trying it once and deciding it's not for you because you're not good at it.
Another thing is to learn to be humble. We're always told we can do anything if we set our mind to it, and that we're all special snowflakes, but we're not. If you want to become a special snowflake, you've got a long way to go. So start from the bottom and work your way up. Always listen to advice, even if you've heard it before, or you think it's rubbish, because someone tried to help and it could help you learn. By being humble you don't fall off your pedestal of self-made-up glory because you don't think you're the shit, you're just yourself and if you want to achieve something, you know it'll take efforts, failures and time (always, if it doesn't, there's a catch). There's nothing wrong with not being a special snowflake or not being the shit. You'll still have your friends and family, at the end of the day!
Also, people are not against you, they're for themselves. They won't give a toss about your failures or your accomplishments past telling you sorry/congratulations, because we're all self-centered. So don't look at how much greener the grass is on the other side of the fence, focus on making your own grass greener.
"How about I leap with my imperfection"...
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I like how this dovetails really, really well with the idea that procrastination is a challenge of emotional management. You don't overcome challenges by not being challenged. And to be challenged, to risk failure, can be emotionally difficult. Self-compassion, then, says it's not abnormal to be afraid, so it's completely reasonable to be afraid to rise up to the challenge, and, instead of chastising ourselves for it, we should accept the fear and nurture ourselves; it also says that everybody feels fear, so we're not alone and we can actually connect with others from our experience. Take the leap with my imperfection, and feel compassion for ourselves as we take that leap.
I can't recommend these two books enough: Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy https://www.amazon.com/dp/0380810336/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_VQ4JxbAYWABJ3
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself https://www.amazon.com/dp/0061733520/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_FR4Jxb8J2KRWQ
This body image workbook was recommended to me by the ED nutritionist I used to see.
Also, not a workbook, but this book about self compassion is a great read. Because self-esteem and confidence are also about being kind to yourself.
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristen Neff
This book helped me a lot (I listened in audiobook format)
Yes, this is incredibly common in my trauma research.
I do this all the time. My brain is my worst enemy when I'm in a dark place.
"I hate myself."
"I am useless"
"I am stupid"
"Why am I alive!"
So, that is to say, I do understand. I completely get it.
I'd recommend a book, but if I am honest it takes a long time and a lot of work to make it better in my experience. I wish I knew of a thing that would help quickly and easily, but I don't.
http://www.amazon.com/Self-Compassion-Proven-Power-Being-Yourself/dp/0061733520/
That is the book. Self-compassion practice is always one of the top features of resilience that trauma researchers recommend for healing. Which is to say, this is a recommendation with some scientific backing, and the book does have lots of practical exercises. It's just slow, plodding work.
You really need to get into IC again. I know it’s expensive but it sounds like it should be put into the budget even if you have to cut out other things. Your insurance may cover it.
My husband feels this way often, but he had these type of problems before his affair also. It is very painful for me to be with him while he hates himself. I often feel guilty because I get frustrated since the self pity or self hatred seems so self centered. I don’t mean that in a mean way. It is just hard when all my energy has to be on making him feel better about himself so he doesn’t drink himself to death or find validation somewhere else. Now that he has finally gotten into IC he is doing so much better. He is not completely past it, but it has helped a lot. We also started a marriage class at church which has helped him a lot since he was raised in church.
You have to learn to have self compassion and start to forgive yourself. It doesn’t mean excusing the affair. It just means letting go of the self loathing. It is dangerous not only because it can exacerbate depression and suicidal thoughts, but the next time someone else makes you feel good you could put too much weight on that external validation instead of finding it within yourself.
I wish you well.
Edited to add a book you might find helpful.
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power... https://www.amazon.com/dp/0061733520?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
Sounds like you're being pretty hard on yourself. Here's a few thoughts from someone who was also pretty hard on himself:
You'll be amazed at how hard women find it to find a great guy. You can be that great guy.
As someone who has struggled with this for decades may I also suggest the book (Edited to add: Self Compassion- The proven power of being kind to yourself by Kristin Neff.) https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0061733520/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1520708340&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=self-compassion+kristin+neff&dpPl=1&dpID=51lMvyzaYcL&ref=plSrch
Having compassion for yourself is a huge part of healing, and it starts by being able to accept that others find you worthwhile. I think you are. You seem like an okay person who’s hurting a lot already.
If you’re eventually able to see the scared little kid part of yourself that was dealing with way more than even most adults are emotionally ready to handle, you can forgive them and offer them compassion, acceptance and unconditional love. You have to intentionally shut down all the internal critics, replace them with self-compassion, and address the fears of loss and the shame/guilt that will continue to bring them back.
If you’re the reading sort, consider Self-Compassion: the proven power of being kind to yourself by Kristin Neff. My therapist recommended it to me because this has been something I struggled with for a long time. Let’s just say your story sounds familiar, though if you want to know I’m glad to discuss further, or I’ve written about it at various times in my post history.
Hugs if you want them, but at least know you’re not alone in feeling this way. The pain will fade eventually, with time and processing it in therapy. You’re still good and human, even if you’ve done things you’re not proud of or lost people you care for.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I can really relate. What helps me is thinking about each day I didn't smoke as a victory, even if I relapsed again (after days, weeks, months clean). I think many of us have had the experience that you describe; and I genuinely do feel like I am getting more capable of making the choice to control my use after all the relapses, even if I haven't cracked the code yet of what makes me keep coming back.
It sounds like you might not have fully cracked the code either: but hating yourself (instead of listening to yourself) only makes it worse, so try to take it easy on you. Positive motivations will help: looking forward to spending more time with your kids, or having your mind clear to pursue a hobby or a good book. Sometimes the negative motivations (like shaming yourself) can make the need to crawl back into the hole seem much more urgent than it actually is.
This book really helped me: maybe try giving it a look?
https://www.amazon.com/Self-Compassion-Proven-Power-Being-Yourself/dp/0061733520
Real quick. I’m 27, and I’ve personally got SA, GAD, and Depression. Probably dealt with them all in differing levels of intensity for the past 15+ yrs. I personally feel just putting myself out there (exposure), buddhism/mindfulness, and a couple self-help books ( Self Compassion & Radical Acceptance ) all really helped, but learning self-compassion and acceptance were the real game changers.
I feel one of the biggest reasons we are so hard on ourselves is because we fundamentally feel unworthy. The reason we’re scared isn’t the simple act of talking, it’s the fear of judgement/rejection. Compassion helps me be gentle with myself, and acceptance allow me to accept what is, and not what I wish was. If that makes sense.
Also, mindfulness. This teaches me to be present in the moment. Not in the future worrying about some conversation I’m going to have, and not in the past worrying about a convo I think I messed up on. Mindfulness teaches me the beauty of the now. Meditation specifically helps teach mindfulness, and is something thats helped me, but I’ve heard has really helped others.
and CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). Basically retraining my brain. Teaches me to reframe and re-approach my negative thoughts, in a more compassionate and realistic light. In all honestly, I’ve got my good days, and I’ve got my bad. I’m not 100% recovered, and maybe not even 50% but I feel much better, and I have some great tools at my disposal.
To refrain from writing an entire book I made this really brief. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask!
Check out the book Self Compassion. It's a really excellent book for changing the way we relate to ourselves. Most people are wayyyy too harsh with themselves and it's totally not necessary to be but so easy to internalize and not question.
Of course! It’s long though 😂 I (28f) was in a toxic relationship (29m) last year which heightened my insecurities and how hard I was/can still be on myself in general. I met with a therapist who I worked with before; I previously broke my leg playing roller derby and essentially had PST trying to play the sport again but about two years ago he got me through it so I was completing at the mental level I was at before.
In the relationship, I started noticing how down I got, I question my actions and feelings, and my overall neediness was out on control (I’m pretty independent normally). I would cry and get anxiety attacks about the smallest disagreements and changes in my BFs attitude and actions. Most of the time these things were triggered by him being a dick because I was being too needy which led to our relationship essentially being a never ending circle of these two things filled with alcohol and great sex 😂. Super healthy.
I also had 0 support from my friends at this time. I had one friend that HATED my BF and would take out her dislike for him on me. I realized I wasn’t getting the support I needed from my group of friends so I asked to meet with my therapist again. We started meeting around June or July 2017 after my BF and I had been dating on and off since January 2017.
It was really hard to open up to him about everything, but when I eventually did, he told me I’m suffering from anxiety. Plus, I lacked self compassion which heightened the anxiety. He recommended Headspace and this book called Self Compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff . He also mentioned starting a gratitude journal and setting goals for myself to help me move through the anxiety. I took it a step further and would write out my feelings and insecurities as a way to work through them.
I starting to implement the book, meditation, writing, and therapy (quadfecta) into my life but I wasn’t ready to heal. In September 2017, my BF broke up with me for good. I was sad but knew it was for the best because we both made each other miserable despite how much fun we had together. I continued the quadfecta but I still wasn’t ready. I was taking it seriously but mentally wasn’t ready take it to the next level and change. I hit rock bottom at the beginning of January 2018.
I did a 30 day yoga challenge and as I type this I realize this is what got me on a healthy routine and track. I had one thing to centralize my life around since my BF was gone; I personally thrive on overly dedicating myself to one thing. I then got more serious about the quadfecta.
I was able to better incorporate techniques from Headspace such as being present during tasks, stopping to thing what I’m grateful for, setting meaningful intentions, etc. My meditation practice increased and was coming easy to me as it finally was a standard in my routine. I had regularly been meditating maybe 15 days in a row and then one weekend would throw me off. I decided I wanted to set a goal to meditate like 120 or 90 days in a row. I never completed it. I got to day 59 because day 60 was too busy. It was full of fun activities with my friends, yoga, and laziness. I was walking home around 11 pm like oh I can meditate once I get home so I don’t mess up my streak but I told myself no. It wasn’t a no out of laziness but a no out of confidence and awareness. In that moment, I knew I hit a unset goal for myself. I’m an over achiever and have to be perfect at everything, but by accepting with ease I wouldn’t meet this goal, I knew it meant I had improved my mental state.
I continued therapy until July 2018. I was finally at a place where I didn’t need to have regular sessions. It was really hard for me to admit that but my therapists door is always open.
Today, I honestly don’t use the quadfecta anymore 😩 which is totally fine because when I start to get anxious thoughts I breath through them to clam my mind and “note” what I’m thinking or feeling; noting is a technique from Headspace. I also am not hard on myself for having a bad day. For example, I did or said something (I can’t remember... this is how much it mattered 😂) and I was freaking out about it. My mind was so crazy with anxious thoughts. I tried to calm my thoughts with techniques from before and it just wasn’t working and I said okay. I let my mind and thoughts lose control (for an hour or so) to get it out of my system and once I did, I went back to the techniques I learned to prevent anything further.
My mind isn’t as calm as it was before and I miss it so I started meditation again. Today’s day 5!
Hopefully that’s relatable or gives you some insight! If you have specific questions, let me know!
Yeah.
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
Really good book such people should read and take to heart.
Wow, weekly testing?? Is that the norm?
Regarding being less hard on yourself, I highly highly highly recommend Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. I have it on audiobook and I've listened a couple times through already. It kind of rocked and continues to rock my world.
sup man. I idenitfy with your position, so I want to share a couple of resources I've found in my search for self-love.
This book makes it possible to go thorugh the shame shift OP went through without waiting for a meltdown.
This is the main resource I wanted to share. However, you might also want to check out these other resources:
Good book on how new therapies can fix long-standing issues much faster then previously believed
> I fucking hate myself
Unfortunately, I know this feeling only too well.
I strongly recommend that you take a look at Self Compassion. I read this book, and it helped me a lot.
Life is hard enough without beating yourself up.
I'd recommend checking out a book by a psychologist named Kristin Neff. I think she's also given TEDx talks on the subject as well.
What makes her book great is that unlike the vast majority of self-help book, the aim isn't to change who you are but how you view yourself as you are. It's very honest and isn't filled with the sort of pseudo-science optimism bullshit that saturate the 'self-help' industry.
I’ve had the same thing for years and years I’ve started therapy and she recommended a book that changed my outlook and helped me a lot.
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself https://www.amazon.com/dp/0061733520/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_UbILDb9XFCSTK
hahaha that made me laugh and there's a lot that's true of what you say. I guess kids (especially pre-middle-school) have a lot less anxiety than adults so there's less of a need to be so emotionally supportive.
But I'm not sure it's a fair comparison. Competitive competions by their nature encourage you to be better than other people. A kid shouldn't be told "Beat everyone else at schoolwork" or "Get the most friends"... they should just be told to do their best and only compete with themselves. An adult OR kid in a competitive sport or game should be being encouraged to beat everyone else.
ALSO: I think the model of "Only compete with yourself" is also sometimes flawed. I recommend everyone reading self-compassion, a book about accepting who you are. Basic premise: Everyone wants to think they're better than average at everything which is obviously not true, so whenever you fall short you can get all sorts of issues. Instead, understand places where you are who you are and be okay with them, learn to live with them, etc. (And also understand where you can improve)
I guess before I could probably help with your question, I'd need to better understand what judgments you're making about yourself that make it difficult to find piece. What are you saying to yourself (particularly ABOUT yourself)? Are you telling yourself you can't do it? That you are flawed and so you'll "never be able to stick with it"? Something else?
If so, I'd say one of the most important places to start is to become mindfully aware of our negative self-talk and start treating yourself with more compassion. We all make mistakes, especially when it comes to lifestyle change. It is SO normal (and understandable) that we go back to old habits when under stress - but you need to be the one who reminds yourself of that, gives yourself compassion and love for being human, and then moves on.
Mistakes/slips are a lot easier to tolerate and overcome when we are kind to ourselves for them. Beating ourselves up for them might FEEL like we are protecting ourselves from slipping again by "punishing" the behavior, but it usually only sets us up to fail.
If it helps, I also HIGHLY recommend Kristin Neff on this subject and her book "Self-Compassion": https://www.amazon.com/Self-Compassion-Proven-Power-Being-Yourself/dp/0061733520/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr= She also has a bunch of info and activities on her website: http://self-compassion.org/