Reddit Reddit reviews She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)

We found 178 Reddit comments about She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner). Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)
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178 Reddit comments about She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner):

u/Squirrelmunk 路 103 pointsr/bigdickproblems

Communicate clearly. Body language is confusing: Use your words. Before you begin, discuss and lay out each of your boundaries. When you want to try something new, ask.

If you fear asking a bunch of questions makes you less masculine or dominant, phrase your questions as statements. For example, instead of saying, "Can I kiss your neck?" you can say, "I'd really like to kiss your neck." Then wait. Don't kiss her neck yet. If she responds positively and enthusiastically, kiss her neck. If she responds negatively, don't kiss her neck. And the most important part: If her response is ambiguous, hesitant, or unenthusiastic, do not kiss her neck.

Learn how to eat pussy. The first time I ate a girl out, I studied this guide and made her cum with ease. It's far from exhaustive and there are lots of other things to learn, but I think it's a solid first-time guide. For more in-depth instruction, read Ian Kerner's She Comes First.

You need to know when your girl is ready for penetration: Measure the circumference of your dick. Then measure your fingers to figure out how many roughly equal the circumference of your dick. Until she can easily take this many fingers, Do. Not. Fuck. Her.

This will spare her the pain of getting your dick stuffed into her when she's not sufficiently dilated or wet. And a girl who associates your dick with pain is not a girl who will be keen to have sex with you again.

If you're too big for regular condoms, get custom-sized condoms. Check out MyOne/TheyFit and MySize.

As for unhooking a bra, you basically squeeze the two sides of the strap together to get the hooks out of the eyelets. Here's a more detailed guide. But don't surprise her with this. Ask first.

u/Tangurena 路 70 pointsr/sex

One book that can help you do a better job is She Comes First. This book is aimed at teaching cunnilingus. It also explains a bit about her arousal and things to pay attention to that show she's getting aroused.

Because you're both new at it, it will take some time for each of you. Part of it is that she needs to understand what gets her off and how to let you know. Part of it is that you need to understand what cadence and speed is arousing for her. So clear communication is essential.

u/ShaktiAmarantha 路 64 pointsr/sexover30

> This is my favorite form of foreplay these days, I think. I enjoy the way he uses his fingers, and he got me off this way recently.

Mine too! My SO is a genius at what we call "yoni worship" and tantric massage, and it's SOOO nice! 馃敟馃挜鈿★笍馃寢 馃グ

There are many different ways to go about fingering and women differ a lot in what they like and need, so couples often need to do a lot of experimentation to figure out what works best. (I think that's one reason most men aren't very good at giving female handies.)

We do a lot of edging, which is extending the arousal phase while delaying the orgasm. It increases the amount of sensual pleasure and also makes the orgasms last longer and feel stronger. In our case, we have found that about an 80:20 mix of fingers and oral is about optimal for both of us, although we vary it quite a bit. We've found that mixing up different approaches helps the edging process last longer and it also keeps us from falling into a rut.

In addition to using oral and a variety of fingering techniques, we also mix in occasional uses of a vibrator on my clit to get me up to (or back up to) a high plateau level before he switches back to fingers or oral. Not everyone likes it, but it's definitely worth a try as you both learn more about managing your arousal pattern!

> I don't hear much talk of this online though.

Actually, there are whole communities devoted to tantric sex and erotic massage, where those of us who love giving and receiving this kind of sex tend to congregate. Try r/tantricsex for starters. The sidebar has links to some good online resources for a beginner.

This is my review of a website that provides tutorials on dozens of different techniques for using fingers. It's a paysite, but definitely worth it:

u/p8ntslinger 路 53 pointsr/sex

Also, the Vice Guide to Eating Pussy

and She Comes First by Ian Kerner

u/LifeIsMyLover 路 46 pointsr/sex

There鈥檚 an entire book written by a man dedicated solely to performing oral sex on a woman. It鈥檚 very tastefully (no pun intended) written and it would be an awesome read for you and your husband. She Comes First

u/normally 路 32 pointsr/fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu

Exactly! Guys, if you're not willing to invest time and effort in turning her on, why should your girlfriend care about getting your hopes up?

Read up on how to fuck a woman that makes it great for both of you. You have the entire internet at your disposal. Start having an open, ongoing conversation about what she personally likes. If she's inexperienced and doesn't know what she likes, then you get to find out together. Hoorah!

If you say, "Wanna have sex?" and she agrees but you don't do much more than stick it in, she is disappointed every time. If she says otherwise, she's just being sweet because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

Does everyone here know that it can physically hurt to have sex when a woman isn't really turned on? And I don't mean kinda uncomfortable or whatever, but real pain. So somewhere between wanting to fuck you and realizing you weren't going to do anything beyond saying, "Wanna have sex?" she realized she didn't want to fall sleep with her vagina burning from being rubbed raw just to make you happy.

Your girlfriend is not one of the small percentage of women who can come from penetration alone. Even if she is, assume she's not. Educate yourself (and maybe her, too). Why not have the best sex you can possibly have while you're young and full of insane lust?

(edit: accidentally a word)

(edit again: accidentally a recommendation)

u/TantraGirl 路 28 pointsr/sexover30

I was able to orgasm with a vibrator and a lot of time, but never could get off with a guy until my (future) husband and I got seriously experimental about it. I'm very glad we did. It has made a HUGE difference! If you want to make an effort to change this, I encourage you to keep exploring alternatives.

That's important, because women who have trouble having orgasms differ so much in terms of what works that it's really hard to give specific advice, except this: don't stop trying new things just because the first ten don't work!

Fortunately, most of the things you will want to try are interesting and enjoyable, even if they don't work the first time, so the journey can be fun even if it takes a while.

This is a good place to start:

  • How Women Can Become (More) Orgasmic.

    It has a bunch of links to other resources, including this classic book, which I recommend:

  • Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women, revised edition

    It's out of print, but Amazon usually has used copies for under $10, shipping included. It's a classic for a reason. It has helped many, many women have their first orgasms and their first partnered orgasms.

    If you're like most people, you both came into your relationship with a set of preconceived ideas about what "having sex" consists of, in terms of the sequence of steps, the techniques, and the amount of time devoted to each part of the process. You've tried that and it hasn't worked, and you've tried a lot of variations on those themes without success. But you haven't explored all or even most of the possibilities, so don't give up now.

    A good example of that is the website OMG Yes!!!, where you can learn many variations on about a dozen basic ways for your partner to stimulate your vulva and clitoris with his fingers. (It's $39, but definitely worth it.) I recommend exploring it first and experimenting on yourself, and then you can show him what you'd like him to try.

    I also recommend the book She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman, by Ian Kerner. It will help a great deal with the "stalling out" problem.

    More generally, I would urge you to:

  1. Read all the relevant parts of A Beginner's Guide to Good, Great, and Amazing Sex, especially the sections called "Focus on Her" and "Troubleshooting."

  2. Get an inexpensive folding massage table. (Under $100 on Amazon, the best investment in good sex you'll ever make.)

  3. Do sensate focus therapy together for at least three months. (This is the program described in the second half of "Becoming Orgasmic".]

  4. Read the relevant articles from the SO30 Wiki for tips on oral and manual technique and advice on increasing sexual arousal during foreplay.

  5. Adopt a longer, more sensual script for sex that includes a lot more cuddling, deep kissing, erotic massage, and foreplay before PIV, and follow that script at least half the time.

  6. Specifically, learn sensual/erotic/tantric massage and do it a LOT.

  7. Try an air-pulse type vibrator (e.g., Womanizer Pro40 or Satisfyer P2) and a regular vibrator with a different strength/pitch. (I.e., if the one you have is high-pitched and buzzy, get a deep rumbly one like the Magic Wand, or vice versa.) Try out each one during PIV. Reverse Cowgirl is the best if having him watch you is a problem. If not, Regular Cowgirl and Butterfly are also great. (Butterfly involves you lying at the foot of the massage table with your legs up and he stands facing you. Lots of room for a Wand!)

  8. Try to create the most relaxing possible situation, a time and place where you are super relaxed. Get some good hard exercise, go dancing, sign up for a spa day, go to the beach or the park and spend some time communing with nature. Have a glass of wine, meditate, spend an hour with a litter of 14-week old puppies. Do whatever it is that works for you to get you really relaxed. Then take a long shower or bath and let your SO give you a great full-body massage that gradually incorporates fingers, oral, and your favorite vibrator.

  9. If you have access to a trusted source, MDMA can do wonders.

    Good luck! 鉂わ笍馃挄
u/LarperPro 路 26 pointsr/psychology

Is this /r/psychology or /r/clickbait?

The surprising truths are:

  • women whose partners engage in cunnilingus are more sexually satisfied.

  • Men actually do want to eat pussy but women think they don't want to or it's "abnormal".

  • media negatively affects our sex life by portraying sex incorrectly.

    I can't recommend She Comes First enough, a book about why cunnilingus is the ultimate activity for helping women achieve orgasm.
u/ThrowawayPUA 路 23 pointsr/seduction
u/notoneofyourfans 路 22 pointsr/sex

I don't think anyone is saying dump the person over sex right then and there. This is a woman who has had a serious discussion about her dissatisfaction over the sex and her partner's inability (or rather unwillingness) to change anything. He could go buy a book like She Comes First and learn some techniques that will help his woman have an orgasm before he even gets inside her. He could slow down and ask her what she needs to get more aroused if for some reason he can't teach himself to go longer than two minutes. He could learn how to kegel to hold back his ejaculation if he mistakenly goes too far too fast. He could wait a few minutes or perform oral or heavy petting and get another erection (unless he is a one and done type guy) and use THAT one on her. But despite her complaints, he has done nothing except say, "Don't hate the player, hate the game." That is selfish. And while it is only selfish in one area of their life together, who wants to be told, "Oh yeah, no more orgasms for you for the rest of your life." I don't care if you are 70; that is a hard sentence in a cold prison.

u/Badboyz4life 路 18 pointsr/reactiongifs
u/ino_y 路 17 pointsr/sexover30

Step 1 in solving any relationship problem, they have to care. They have to want to solve the problem. Nothing you throw at them, make them read, beg, plead, bargain, cajole, trick them.. wont stick if they just dont feel like changing because they have no need to change, you're never gonna leave right?

Anyway, Come as you are and She comes first both with ridiculous fruit on the cover, if he actually wants to pleasure you.

u/mek65 路 15 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

I'll start with this: So many women, including myself, HAVE HAD THE MISFORTUNE of having had miserable sexual relationships with a man-child who was willfully ignorant and selfish in bed. I suggest that you grow up and educate yourself for the next woman who stumbles into your life, after this one hopefully dumps you, if you don't learn to please her.

Your inexperience could be excused, your selfishness聽CANNOT. She knows you have very little patience for her pleasure and needs. It's all about you. You're not really listening to her or asking her what works for her; she's having to ask聽youto care about her needs, as if it's a chore. She wouldn't just lie and say you're "not trying enough"聽if it weren't true. You're obviously not really paying attention when she does try to show you with her own hand. You're just, literally, going through the motions, moving your hand repetitively (maybe even too roughly which is why your hand's getting tired), just to say you tried. Poor little you.

Many women can't get aroused or get anywhere near orgasm if the guy is obviously annoyed or uninterested in doing what it takes to give her pleasure. She knows you're thinking she's taking too long and it makes her anxious, and then even less about to focus on any sensations, such as oral. That's precisely why she says she doesn't feel anything when you go down on her. She's probably unable to get out of her anxious head and into the sensations; or you don't know what you're doing because she doesn't want to tell you how. It's fine that you don't know how to please her orally, women are all different. She should feel free to tell you, but she knows you won't remember, because you're already impatient. My guess? You'll go down for a ridiculously short amount of time (less than 10 min, BTW avg time to come is longer for most women during oral), then complain that your:


  1. Jaw/tongue/lips are hurting 2. you're chafing 3. Neck hurts 4. Just tired 5. "You're taking a long time" 6. Any excuse etc.

    You've probably already given her the idea that there's something wrong with HER, and not you. I'm sure she makes certain YOU always cum. Right? You've probably given her a complex which is very hard to shake for many women.

    Did you know that almost all women need direct clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm? Or that almost all women require a minimum of 20 minutes of foreplay (Look that word up, since you obviously have no idea what it is) before they're even aroused enough for penetration? Hence, even if lubricated, some women find penetration painful if their vaginas haven't become engorged with blood aka erect (like a guy's erection, yes we get internal erections).

    So, as she's finally about to come, you just gave up cause you're sweaty? Almost ALL women who get to the edge (unless intentionally 鈥榚dging鈥) of an orgasm, whose lover then stops, lose almost all arousal, then the whole arousal process has to build up again. Question for you? How would you like it if, every time you were just about to come, she just stopped, and left you hanging? Great, huh? Obviously not, because later in your post, you say you got mad at her, cause she聽selfishly聽said it hurt and wanted to stop before you could get your rocks off. I can't even believe you admitted this.

    This is聽repulsive-

    "Last time she stopped me because it hurt, I got annoyed because I felt like we were just wasting time. I see her just a few days a month anyway. I wanted to cum and she made a weird face and started crying." W.T.F.?

    If she foolishly wastes another minute of her precious time on you, you need to read about foreplay, specifically for women, female genital anatomy and sexual response. Find it in yourself to give a fuck about learning to give her pleasure, learn to enjoy giving it, as much as receiving it. If not, she should dump you and find a decent grown-up man.

    And file your goddamn nails. That is, file them, run them across the inside of your cheeks (the closest thing to her vaginal walls). If you feel聽zero聽edges, good job. If not, file some more.

    Buy this book for yourself. You can't afford not to. It's a good start to learning how to give her oral.

    "She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)"

    Buy this book for you and her to read together. It'll聽seem聽like you care.

    "Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life" (Nagoski)
u/Valkes 路 14 pointsr/AskMen

Trim and file your nails. If you cut her she will cut you.

Don't rush. There's no reason to go leaping toward the clitoris like a bull at it's gate. Take your time with her. Explore her body. Warm her up.

Talk to her. Tell her how sexy she is. How much you want her. Ask her how she likes to be touched. Have her guide your fingers in the motion she likes on her clit.

If something starts working and she tells you not to stop, don't stop doing whatever it is you're doing. I don't care if your hand feels like it's gonna fall off. Play through the pain. In my experience 90% of the work that actually feels good for most girls is going to happen without penetration.

Now, depending on the girl she may like a bit of g-spot stimulation. About two or three inches in her vagina on the upper wall, that's the bit that's nearest the clitoris, there may be a series of fleshy wrinkles. That's the g-spot. What you're gonna want to do here is make a sweeping sort of "come here" motion.

Start with a single finger, I like the middle one, and add more as she loosens up.

Here's some reading for you.

Just remember that the most important part of good sex is communication. Pay attention to what your partner is doing, saying, and feeling. GL HF

Oh, and dry = bad. Lube your fingers up.

u/scratchnsniff 路 13 pointsr/AskMen

Hey Op, great question. One thing I heard growing up was that it taste like sucking on a nickel and that the inside of a vagina felt like a softer version of the outside of a basketball. There's some truth to that but I think there are better approximations and those descriptions always left me wanting.

Some folks suggested feeling the inside of your mouth, specifically pressing your finger against your cheek. That's definitely close, but the sensation doesn't feel right because you're also touching yourself. Like trying to tickle yourself isn't a good approximation of what it feels like to be tickled. Oddly enough, if you have bigger dogs, the inside of their lips are relatively close to the texture you might feel inside a woman. This area between their upper gum line and the inside of their cheek Vaginas are like a wetter, slipperier version of that. Women also have different areas inside their vagina that will provide different textures, I find the g-spot to be closer to that basketball texture. The inside of dog lips are weirdly close, enjoy not being able to unsee that.

As for taste, if a woman has recently bathed than I would say that they taste close to tomato juice. And no, not V8. Try cutting a fresh tomato, you will see nearly clear liquid come out from these areas Now if you took that, strained it so it was just the liquid and no particulate and then warmed it up to body temperature, that's about as close as you can get. Though some women depending upon their arousal and hydration are have juices that are a little thinner or thicker. For a quick test, just let a tomato sit out at room temperature, jam your finger in and wiggle it around, taste and imagine there's not tiny chunks of tomato pulp.

Smell can vary, but as Hump_My_Face said lick the back of your hand then wait a 10 seconds and smell it. Depending on when they last cleaned up, it will be somewhere in the realm of that.

And yes, what you eat/drink can absolutely be carried over to her smell or taste. The same goes for guys, so maybe hold off on the coffee, garlic, and asparagus if you're hoping for a girl to go down on you.

And if you're looking for some pro tips, I highly recommend this book. It's not your typical sex advice book, and will definitely add new ideas, techniques, and confidence to your bedroom play.


The feeling of a vagina is like the inside of a dogs upper lip

The taste of a vagina is close to the natural juices left over after cutting a tomato

The smell of a vagina is what you smell after licking the back of your hand and waiting 10 seconds

u/sjrsimac 路 13 pointsr/sex

This is gonna be hard for you to do, but try not to invest your ego in her ability to orgasm.

I know that sounds weird, and you're probably thinking, "but I'm investing my ego in my ability to make her orgasm." Nah, no one can make someone orgasm. Yes, my girlfriend has hands, mouth, and pussy delivered from heaven that makes me feel pleasure I didn't know mortals could know, but the reason I orgasm (or don't) is because of my mental state. If I'm preoccupied, I'm going to have a much harder time coming, whether I'm using my own hand, or if my girlfriend is riding me.

I'm going to take your girlfriend at her word, that she loves being intimate with you and has made her peace with not having orgasms. I'm sure she would enjoy orgasms, they are the definition of pleasure, but if she can't get herself to cum, there is no reason you should beat yourself up for not being able to make her cum.

The best thing you can do for your girlfriend at this point is continue to let her know, both verbally and (more importantly) nonverbally, that you love every single part of her body. If you love eating pussy, kiss her pussy while you're kissing the rest of her body. If you love her ass, make sure you pay attention to it when she's just walking around the house. And it never hurts to pin her to the wall and kiss her just because, you know, she's there.

Finally, I recommend that you read She Comes First by Ian Kerner. That book is more than a series of tips and tricks to hit a woman's sexy buttons. It's a complete narrative that describes the attitude a sexual partner should take when developing a relationship.

u/SpicyRedPhoenix 路 12 pointsr/FemaleDatingStrategy

I dated a guy who had this book on his shelf: She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)

He was crap at sex but very good at oral. It was his only saving grace with sex. Maybe we should start passing it out.

u/angelcake 路 12 pointsr/Menopause

Your wife needs to get her hormone levels checked. Low testosterone can impact a woman鈥檚 sex drive too. Also there鈥檚 a great book if you can find a copy, she comes first. It鈥檚 both thoughtful and funny.

u/Rev1917-2017 路 12 pointsr/AskMen

For those that need to learn from a literal professional. Here is a nsfw video of Nina Hartley explaining how to eat pussy.

Take notes y'all.

For those who want a more scientific approach, there's a book called she comes first.

Breaks down the female anatomy, gives really solid advice.

Between that book, that video, and responding to my partners body (that's the most important key, be aware of your partner and respond to their body) I've never had a partner that wasn't amazed at how well it all went. Sometimes I tell them that I learned it thanks to a book and a porno. Sometimes I just act like I'm a sex god. Really I just know it's because lots of guys don't know even the basics of sex and so all I have to do is not be shit at it :D


Oh also, do kegels. And reverse kegels. When I'm going at it, I'll do reverse kegels, and if I'm about to finish, and don't want to yet, I'll pull out, and do kegels just a hold for about 10 seconds.

u/[deleted] 路 11 pointsr/sex

This is solid advice, I think, and sometimes difficult for me to just relax and stay with her, with where she's at. I don't think I've been in a selfish hurry very often but I could definitely slow down. I got the book She Comes First and even though it's pretty much devoted to cunnilingus, the big takeaway for me was "slow the fuck down".

Thank you for taking the time to respond. :)

u/Cest_la_Fille 路 11 pointsr/sexover30

Try reading She Comes First as a start. After that, be sure that you're paying attention to how she responds to you when you're going down on her. Not every woman is going to like it the exact same way, and even with the same woman, what works will not always be the same thing depending on a lot of factors. Learning to read her body language and the sounds she makes will help guide you in knowing when she's enjoying what you're doing or when you need to change it up. Lastly, don't make orgasm the point of the oral, not every woman is able to come that way, but it stills feels good. Pleasure, without pressure to come, should always be the focus of any sexual activity.

u/Bitcortx 路 11 pointsr/sex

plus this book , it's like the hadouken combo for cunningulus

u/WhakaWhakaWhaka 路 10 pointsr/sexover30

Gotta recommend:

She Comes First

This was an informative book and the info from it was very helpful as it made me more aware of my partner鈥檚 body and what works for her.

My partner at the time wasn鈥檛 having orgasms, and I hadn鈥檛 ran into that problem before, so I stressed about it and looked things up online when I found this book. And. Oh. My. God.

The knowledge is like the difference between driver鈥檚 ed and automotive engineering course; one shows you how to do things safely, the other lets you know what needs tweaking to get the engine performance up.

It鈥檚 also made sex more fun for me because I feel more comfortable and curious to help my partner with her orgasm.

Hope that helps.

u/johndehlinmademedoit 路 10 pointsr/exmormon

She Comes First

Here's a good guide to start with....

u/Emack76 路 10 pointsr/sex

Buy him a copy of "She comes first" for Christmas. Read it first yourself and then ask that he read it.

I hit a rut likes this years ago. Stressful military life is my excuse. In any event, the result was that my wife started to lose interested in sex and when we did, it was pretty lifeless. Eventually I realized that it was because I wasn't taking care of her properly. Emack was an idiot, don't be like Emack.

u/attemptingtobeadult 路 10 pointsr/actuallesbians

It's for straight guys, but this book helped me get some confidence...and I've always gotten great reviews so......blush

Sorry for link, on mobile. But yes, communication, passion, etc. are key. As well as not focusing on the orgasm. :)

u/MattDamonsTaco 路 9 pointsr/sex

Some women have a hard time orgasming from PIV. No big whoop. I've dated some of them.

I've dated some women that have only ever had an orgasm through masturbation. That doesn't mean they didn't enjoy sex, but just that it was hard for their partner to bring them to orgasm.

If he is serious about wanting to give you an orgasm, buy him this book and have him read it. I won't lie: I was rather confident--and pretty good--at giving my partner an oral orgasm but after reading this book? FUCK YES. My oral skills were taken to the next level.

Edit: One of my partners had never had an orgasm from someone else until I went down on her. I loved the fact that I was able to give her her first 'non-manual' orgasm. Since then, she's orgasmed from not only my mouth, but also my fingers alone (much like she masturbates) and a toy in her ass with my fingers inside of her, doing nothing more but pressing down on her g-spot. Sometimes it just takes patience and communication. Say yes to both!

u/Kortheo 路 9 pointsr/BehavioralMedicine

> I'm otherwise quite a confident and happy person, so this issue seems unusual for a male at such a young age.

Here's where you're wrong. Psychogenic erectile dysfunction is actually quite common, and doesn't depend on your age. Experiencing this doesn't make you abnormal or broken. If you're concerned then by all means get checked out by a doctor, but if you think it's just anxiety causing it then that may be the case. Virtually all men will experience ED at some point in their lives - be it due to nerves, alcohol, whatever; it's nothing to be ashamed of. Men don't magically always have perfect erections - that's not reality. I dealt with the same issue around your age and eventually got some therapy to discuss it and that helped unpack the issues that were causing it for me. Basically, if you're having performance anxiety, it's the anxiety that's probably the main cause of your problem. The general approach to this problem that I've come across is to 1) talk to your partner about how you're feeling so that they're on board and understand you and can help, 2) work with your partner to make sex less goal-oriented or put temporary limits. E.g. first have a session where you're not allowed sex or genital touching so that you have 0 pressure to perform, and then gradually build up over time to sessions where you can add those elements back in.

This book is pretty good and has talks a lot about the role of anxiety in sexual dysfunction, and has an entire chapter on erectile dysfunction that may interest you:

Another approach is to focus on pleasuring your partner first through something other than intercourse, and after they're satisfied the focus can shift to you - this takes a lot of the pressure off because you've already 'performed' and thus can't really 'fail' - although it's better to not view sex through a lens of success/fail, this can be a helpful way to solve the problem. This book below is all about oral sex, but the author explicitly talks about having sexual dysfunction that he solved by doing exactly what I just described, and may be of interest to you.

Best of luck!

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, just someone who's had this problem and solved it for himself.

u/borkthafork 路 9 pointsr/Military

Dude.... I'm not even shitting you.... go buy and read She Comes First. It will give you an entirely new perspective on sex so that you can be way better than you thought you were (and MUCH better than she thought you were) when she comes back.

u/dantepicante 路 8 pointsr/sex

Folks, just read this book. It's very helpful.

u/NeverTheOP 路 7 pointsr/smalldickproblems

You're being too hard on yourself. Women will come much harder when you use your tongue, trust me. If you dont believe me just get this book:

u/Throwyourtoothbrush 路 7 pointsr/relationships
  1. Try having sex in the morning.

  2. Try asking your wife about HER sexual fantasies.

  3. Ask if she'll let you buy her lingerie

  4. Start giving her massages. This builds physical and emotional intimacy, which will lead to more sexual intimacy.

  5. Start having date nights. A woman's sexual desire is slow burning. It can take a few hours of feeling playful and intimate to lead to pleasurable and exciting sex... guys? They can be ready to go in 30 seconds. We're different, and matching our sexual rhythms requires effort, and compromise.

  6. Read and research! The internet sex you're watching? IT'S PLAY SEX! It's theater! Read actual books about how to ignite your relationship. 99.98% of porn is made for men. You are going to see what men want in porn.... what the lady is asking for? That's what men want ladies to ask for! I'm not saying that no women enjoy what happens in porn, I'm saying: how often do you see a guy rubbing a woman's clit while he's Fucking her? Almost never! How often do you see an extended vag munching session? Almost never! Try this book

  7. TALK TO YOUR WIFE! Sex with busy lives and children in the house takes planning. It can feel less than romantic to look at schedules and plan alone time, but a good sex life is the glue that holds a marriage together. It should be important enough to reserve space for in your busy lives.

  8. I really think cam sex is cheating. I don't think it's as small of a deal as you're making it out to be. My opinion is mine alone, but I'm a pretty sexually adventurous person, and I would not stand for my partner camming without my explicit permission. I'm pretty sure that I would grant permission because we're not strictly monogamous, but heads would roll If he went behind my back. You should really feel out this decision and its impact.

  9. Don't believe everything you see in porn. Adults talk about sex. They negotiate the rules. They ask for permission. They say " I really want you to sit on my face. Will you do that?" "Can I spank you? Let me know if I'm too hard" "licking your pussy is so hot. Can I try rimming you, too? If you don't like it I'll stop" Asking for permission can be telling your partner that they're sexy.. its not sitting down with a pencil and clipboard for an extensive survey.

  10. I promise your wife has sexual fantasies. Help her awaken them and explore them. Help her find the time to be intimate with you!
u/201109212215 路 7 pointsr/sex

Tell him to read what you just wrote, and buy him this:

u/Remus90 路 7 pointsr/BDSMcommunity
New Topping and New Bottoming books a good overview of how to set up, the different types, and responsibilities of each person in a scene and explores the emotional side of it.

Examines the entire kink culture and how and why people can safely get involved. All the different symbols, types of D/s way more definitions then I have here, the difference between a kink club, sex club, fetish night, leather bar etc. is all here. The back has a great long overview of many possible kinks and a chart for you to map out your experience and limit levels with each one. Also has a glossary of more books.

Also i'm new to relationships in general but to really learn how to make a woman feel good you might want to look into She Comes First. As you'll see from reviews even couples who've been together a long time really got 'energized' by the book. Also good at dispelling many myths around female sexuality that both men and women might think.

u/Deradius 路 7 pointsr/AskReddit

> I'm dating a "crazy" girl.

I don't know what you mean by 'crazy'. You'll need to provide more specifics.

>I do love her, but we fight about the most stupid topics.

Disagreements, especially in long relationships, are not uncommon. The way you resolve these disagreements can make all the difference between a happy life and an unpleasant existence. Be sure that you are respectful of one another - that each of you gets an equal vote and that you communicate clearly and often.

>Then it's shutdown, no talking, looking forward, possible cry time.

If she's shutting down because she needs a few minutes to process, fine. But pretending the problem never existed it not a good idea - again, communication is key.

>Annnnywho, the guys at work all talk about how I would be stupid to get married.

The guys at work are doing it wrong.

> They say all women get crazier as times goes on,

So do men. People get crazier as time goes on. We all end up standing on our lawns in our bunny slippers and bath robes, shaking our fists in the air and yelling at neighborhood kids.

The real question is whether you want to be standing there alone or with someone next to you.

> all blowjobs stop.

Buy them a copy of this book. See if anything changes for them.

>The main problem is, I would rate myself abbbbouuuuut a [[1] 6 ], she is easily a 9. I'm content with that Punnett Square.

This doesn't matter a great deal. You will both slowly progress to a 1 as you get saggier and droopier over time.

>If all women are crazy, hey, maybe I'll just suck it up because she's beautiful (and probably the hottest I'll ever get).... but if there is serious hope, and great matches out there- I'll continue my search.

Here are the standards for a relationship:

Trust: Do you trust this person? Do you believe that they would behave in an appropriate fashion even if when you're not there - not because they're afraid of getting caught, but because they have integrity? Are you trustworthy? Do you conduct yourself with integrity?

Respect: Do you and your partner each get an equal vote? Do you condescend to one another, or do you treat each other as equals? Are you kind to another another? Are you willing to make compromises and endure little sacrifices for the sake of the big picture? Do you share responsibilities equitably?

Communication: Are you open and honest with one another? Do you lie and/or omit to hide things?

Commitment: Do you value the commitment you share with your partner? Do you treat that commitment with respect - abstaining from activities that might call that commitment into question (even if you know for yourself that there is no problem)? Do you invest - time, money, effort - into the commitment and your future together? Do you plan and work as a team? Do you have a vision for your shared future together, or are you just kind of floating around waiting for something to happen?


For most relationships, these four cornerstones are crucial. Failure of one damages the others, and the whole house of cards comes tumbling down.

If you've got those four cornerstones taken care of, and if you love this person - then absolutely get married to them.

Don't listen to 99% of people who give you relationship advice. They don't know what the hell they're talking about, and their relationships are broken. That may or may not include me. Listen to your own moral compass and your intuition. Allow that to guide you to correct principles - then commit to and live by those principles.

u/SilverSpoonGoon 路 7 pointsr/AskMen

I have a few sources you can look at (mostly from the /r/sex wiki ):

  • Read the top comment on this thread.

  • Read this thread.

  • Read these articles on the subject.

  • Get your hands on this book if you can.

  • Watch this brilliant Sexologist's video
    on the subject.

  • Watch this brilliant Pornstar/Sexologist's "hands on approach" on the subject with this video NSFW

    I hope this gives you the info you need.

u/unserplatz 路 7 pointsr/sex

Over 70% of women can't orgasm from intercourse alone - that is a fact. Most still find it enjoyable - it feels good, it's intimate and it's hot to see you partner's pleasure.

>what can men do to accomdate women?

Give your lady lots of clitoral stimulation. Making her cum from oral before you enter her usually works very well. I highly reccomend this book, if you want to learn how to be a good lover.

u/Playerhypo 路 7 pointsr/sex

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman - the Author was a Premature Ejaculator, and this is his tale. Hasn't failed me a day since.

u/Waylander84 路 6 pointsr/sexover30

I highly recommend getting a copy of She Comes First. It鈥檚 a fun read, isn鈥檛 too long, gives all the technical tips you could hope for, and also emphasizes how to get a woman more comfortable and relaxed about receiving oral. That book fits your specific need very well.

Aside from that my top suggestion would be patience. Don鈥檛 dive straight to the clit. Rub her whole body, get her relaxed, circle the area for awhile. Lick the area and occasionally brush the clit, slowly increasing contact by lingering longer as you go. That should help with sensitivity.

u/evolutionape 路 6 pointsr/sex

Not sure this will help...but check out the Great Wall of Vagina art project.

It highlights the many differences that exist between women's vaginas. More importantly, they're just plaster maybe they'll be easier for you to look at and provide yourself with a little "exposure" to overcome the discomfort you feel.

I kind of understand how you feel...although I don't think I've ever felt those things to the degree that you describe. But female genitalia can seem very foreign when you're young.

You see your penis all the time, but it's not often you see a vagina. And when you do, you're in the throes of sex, so you may not really get to explore it in a curious way...if that makes sense.

Also, it might be helpful to read some anatomy books or guides that will help you get to know the vagina a little better.

Maybe something like Women's Anatomy of Arousal or She Comes First

Both are often mentioned in sex ed. circles...and I'm sure there are plenty more.

u/AssGapeLover 路 6 pointsr/sex

So what you want is just some hunk of meat to put your penis in, to find ways to last longer, with no emotional investment of care of what their feelings might be? If you were a girl, does that sound intriguing?

Can't you just masturbate before you have sexy time? This way the sperm chamber is emptied, so to speak.

Your way of thinking that if you don't come and you lasting longer will automatically make the sex 'better' is false. Making sex better is complex, is different for different partners, and means making it more pleasurable for her and for you. Not just lasting longer. Working together, not just getting working on your ability to last longer. Also, sex doesn't have to end when you ejaculate. Try not thinking so selfishly, and leave your 5-7 minute eqo crutch aside. Make her come first, then yourself.

Here is something that could actually benefit you:

u/donedilly 路 6 pointsr/funny

I have found this very helpful.

u/aradthrowawayacct 路 6 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

I disagree. There's no reason he can't take it upon himself to learn now or to develop his "talent" with exploring all kinds of sex things with you to see what you both like. It's really not that hard.

One could even propose that if he were skilled (had "talent") or even attentive to you, he could have figured out that you weren't enjoying sex, not having orgasms, and decided to approach things differently to start exploring more.

The sex you describe sound terrible and it's not a surprise you don't enjoy it. Almost no one wants sex that's terrible for them, and many people are traumatized by it.

It is surprising that he didn't notice you don't enjoy it and didn't do anything to fix it, even AFTER you told him flat-out that you don't enjoy the sex because it's so one-sided.

I'm actually surprised he can enjoy sex when he knows it's not good for you and you don't like it. I sure wouldn't be able to enjoy sex with someone who wasn't enjoying it.

This is how sexual aversion develops, and that can be extremely hard to overcome because the damage is so great.

Is he your first sexual partner? Are you his first sexual partner? I guess if he's also very inexperienced, he doesn't know much about women's bodies or how to pleasure a woman in bed, but there's still no reason not to be open to exploring sex more, especially after one's partner has said they don't enjoy it.

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner might be helpful, but he doesn't sound very open to exploring sex much at all, or care much about what you want, so I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope here. Sorry.

I'm going to tag u/myexsparamour because I know she'll have a lot of input into this situation...

u/throwaway12throwaway 路 6 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Yes, this is referring to a book. I've read it. It goes through a lot of detail of female anatomy and female sexual response. Then it gets into some specific techniques for oral sex on women.

The book also recommends that the man provide the woman with an orgasm (or more) before having one himself. It sounds like you strongly agree with this approach, as do I.

However this is a subreddit that is all about sexual dysfunction or loss of desire. When you're not having any sex at all, someone stating that they have (at least) 3 orgasms per encounter is going to be a painful reminder of what you're missing.

In my case I used to be able to make my wife cum consistently from PIV, and she would have at least one orgasm before I did. Sometimes I could get her going into a sequence of multiples. But for reasons unexplained she decided that she doesn't enjoy sex and really never did. So now I have sex with someone else, and she gets to have one (or more) orgasms before I do.

u/avelsdjur 路 6 pointsr/NoFap

Don't disappoint your gf by going celibat if you don't need to. You can always go back to hardmode when you gf is not around. I mean, quitting porn and not fapping should be just as easy when having a gf(sex included) and without having a gf. Eighter way, if you decide on hardmode there are always other ways to succeed without using your penis.

u/Horny_GoatWeed 路 5 pointsr/AskWomenOver30

I'm 46 now and married, but I was single for a while in my late 30's. I'd say the only real difference in dating nowadays is the more or less ability to be constantly connected. I'm mostly talking about texting. I had teenage kids, so was very well acquainted with it when I started dating again, but I can see that that might not be the case for you.

In my experience, sex is pretty much still the same, though with possibly less hair. However, it does sound like you're a bit sexually inexperienced/sheltered. I suggest you might want to read She Comes First. If you feel that isn't enough, you can also go with The Guide To Getting It On.

u/devastationz 路 5 pointsr/Blackfellas

I would advise you to read alot. Like, alot alot. If you do the wrong thing in a scene it can really screw the person up.

Coconut oil is your friend. It's a good lubricant, it makes rope less grating on the skin, you should use it if you decide to get into wax play. is a good shop for beginners. Do note that they source some of their things from China (i've found their supplier. If you know how to use taobao.) is easy to understand reading material. (they're comics) You might find something you want to try.

Communication is key really. You should always be talking to your partner about this stuff. Even in the middle of the act. "Is this too tight? Did I hit you too hard? Are you comfortable with this? Do you remember your safe word? You can say no, if I'm pushing too hard."

BDSM is alot more about trust than it is about sex.

Be sure to read about aftercare, that's one of the most important things to do.

Read this stuff (if you want)

Just do alot of reading.

You can get into your local kink scene on Fetlife. Just be aware that since you're a black man, you'll 100% be fetishized with all the stereotypes. Be sure to be clear about things you want and don't want. Always tell someone where you're going(If you have an iPhone keep your location services on and tell a friend you iCloud log in information), always meet in a public place.

u/msmermaidginger 路 5 pointsr/sex
u/Karma_I_Two 路 5 pointsr/sex

You should check out the book (she comes first). My girlfriend never had an orgasm from oral until I used the stuff from this book.

Fun read, a little flowery for my taste.

u/bw57570 路 5 pointsr/explainlikeimfive

The clitoris is more than just the little bulb - although most people think that's all it is. The clitoris has is part of a neurovascular bundle with nerve endings across much of the vagina and, in some women, some right around the perineum and anus. Although there are far more nerve endings on the bulb of the clitoris, for some women the clitoral nerves which extend to the anus are sensitive enough to at least contribute to or heighten sexual sensations.

Also, the fabled G-spot is considered to be part of the clitoral bundle. More specifically, it's the base of the clitoral bundle. If you're genuinely interested in clitoral anatomy (and you don't mind reading medical papers) check this out:

If you're more interested in learning how to use this knowledge to please a woman sexually, this book is very good:

u/wren_in_the_machine 路 5 pointsr/OkCupid
u/mynameisLando 路 5 pointsr/todayilearned

The book She Comes First goes into this in a lot more detail and isn't that bad of a read. Some of the stuff is a bit over the top, but there's a lot more to a woman's downstairs than many people think.

u/ClimaxFlatulence 路 4 pointsr/sexover30

This could have been me writing this about 2 years ago. I had the same experience with my wife. She never complained about my methods, but always preferred 鈥渕e鈥 over me going down. For starters I read 鈥淪he Comes First鈥 by Ian Kerner. I will warn you it is heavy on anatomy, but that is what made the big difference for me and I believe it could be for you too. It is a calculated approach to cunnilingus. This is, at times, is not as fun for me... But the payoff is her cumming from me going down on her. It has some strange methods. One that involves using your gums with heavy pressure over the clitoral hood. I feel like I look like Fire Marshall Bill doing it but it works. I still attempt to 鈥渨ing it鈥 some nights because that is fun... But that usually gets the 鈥淚 want you鈥 response. At the end of the book it has different approaches using the various methods and they are very effective. It also covers g-spot vs clitoral orgasms etc. And I found out she brags about it at work.


I read a book and now I can get my wife off easily by going down on her. Every man should consider reading it.

Edit: Formatting

u/redchiklindz 路 3 pointsr/sex
u/cleverkid 路 3 pointsr/

Well, it's pretty simple. Basically, flirt respectfully with anyone.. old ladies at the dry cleaners, that ugly girl on the bus, the six foot three Russian model... everyone. BUT EXPECT NOTHING. It's a little daunting at first... But make sure to spread it around to everyone. Sooner or later it will turn into real confidence, Then you'll start to notice that for all the girls you're actually attracted to quite a few of them will respond genuinely.

They can't help but to be intrigued by your confidence.

It's not dishonest, it's not weird or creepy. And it's ONLY an entr茅e or introduction to her world. The more you are comfortable with yourself and honest about who you are the more success you'll have going forward.

I am FAR from a 'dating' guru.. but I do know that I've been in wonderful relationships with amazing girls so physically gorgeous it made people visibly jealous... It might work for you too.

Oh, and this book is also really helpful

Also, its VERY IMPORTANT get in good shape physically, and dress with style.. nothing will turn off a girl quicker than bad shoes and a floppy gut. It's sad but it's true.

PM me if you have any specific questions.

u/Ottoblock 路 3 pointsr/funny
u/volcel_scum 路 3 pointsr/IncelTears

One of the better books on or related to the subject would probably be She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Dr. Ian Kerner. It's a real eye-opener and both accessible and useful whether you're a complete novice or already a guru yourself.

u/nunayobinezz 路 3 pointsr/sexover30
u/-Maturin 路 3 pointsr/sex

Read this.

If you really read this and not just treat it as an instruction manual, your problem with oral will be solved.

u/tek1024 路 3 pointsr/sex

Check out She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.

Clear, concise advice about how to go about pleasuring a woman orally and in other ways, replete with explanations about female physiology, mechanisms involved with orgasm, diagrams of clitoro-neural pathways, and all the rest. A great primer, in any case!

u/mewacketergi 路 3 pointsr/unpopularopinion

Fair enough, it's your lifestyle choice, after all.

On the other hand, generalizing about men and their lack of care for your pleasure from this is not only bad thinking, -- it tells us more about your past partners, then about men as a whole. There is a reason why books like this sell widely:

u/outalterego 路 3 pointsr/FemdomCommunity

Imagine yourself as a queen and him as a high class pleasure slave who is of course well trained in the sensual arts (that's a given) but also intelligent and quick-witted, and expected to become proficient in any topic of conversation or activity that you might want to enjoy together. He should know exactly how you like your coffee. If your heart's desire is to have a worthy Scrabble opponent, then regardless of how he feels about the game, he better have all the legal 2-letter words memorized by Christmas. If you like a hot bubble bath before or after sex, he should be in charge of keeping the supplies stocked, drawing the water, lighting the candles, fetching your glass of wine, and sitting on the cold tile floor to read to you or provide interesting conversation while you soak. The onus is on him to think of or research interesting discussion topics or questions for your conversation, or to share with you something interesting he learned today. If you like massages, he should watch YouTube videos or check out books from the library until he is on par with a professional. If you love oral and his skills are somewhat lacking, he should be expected to finish reading Ian Kerner's She Comes First by the due date you assign, and there had better be plenty of highlighting and notes in the margins. You get the idea.

Another possibility is erotic hypnosis. Personally, I think /r/shibbysays has some of the best stuff out there. You could either use her stuff for inspiration to make your own recordings (or just get ideas for how to talk during your sessions together), or you could actually play her recordings while he is blindfolded and you act out what she describes. For example, in the first file in the good boy series, which is usually recommended as a starting point, she talks about putting her hand on the guy's shoulders and chest. So when it gets to that part you could actually put your hands where she describes and rub his skin.

She's pretty good about including language that would allow a guy to listen by himself if he wants but also leaves open the possibility that he is in a relationship and is being made to listen to them by his real life domina. One that comes to mind is "Slip into Slave Mode," which says something along the lines of "whenever I, or whoever told you to listen to this recording, says 'slave mode,' you will return to this place." That one also includes a visualization of a weighted blanket slowly covering the guy up from his feet to his head. I for one would love to be cuffed and have my partner slowly unroll a blanket over me while listening to this together. For good measure, maybe rub your pussy in his face when it gets to the part where only his head is uncovered.

If y'all are both comfortable with bringing Shibby into your bedroom, start with the good boy series. Listen to them by yourself before you play them for your man and think about what what position he should be in and what you might do to him while he listens. Next explore the wiki (the indoctrination series is also good) or just browse the subreddit for files that you think might work well for your dynamic. A lot of the files include references to "triggers" established in good boy and indoctrination, so that's why it's usually a good idea to do them first. Some of them involve chastity and orgasm denial, but most are just tease and denial, and it should be pretty easy to avoid the ones you don't want.

u/WhateverMan91 路 3 pointsr/sex

You know, with men sometimes age is just a number :)

He'll learn -- eventually. In one of two ways:

  1. The miracle one, in which he wakes up one morning and finally realizes what he'd been missing for years
  2. The reality-check one, in which YOU make him realize that ;)

    PS: In case he needs any help:
u/SpinozaFan 路 3 pointsr/sex

> it really is all about him

Well half of that is because of him because he is being a selfish lover. But the other half of that is because of you since you accept it and allow it to continue to be this way.

Are you saying he won't give you oral? Won't use fingers or toys? Saying that you want "more orgasms" is VERY vague. Tell him how you want to be touched. If he still does not want to touch you in ways you want to be touched, find out WHY. If he does not value communication, this is a red flag IMO.

Regarding intercourse, have you tried missionary with a pillow under your butt? There are many factors involved, but it truly is "all about angles." Keep on trying different positions, different angles. Then again, many (most?) women cannot orgasm from penetration alone. Therefore...

Either you or he need to play with your clit during penetration. He has issues (still don't know what they are), but you're perfectly capable of doing this, no?

Also, the both of you might be interested in this book:

u/steve-a-roo-bam-boo 路 3 pointsr/OkCupid

This book will change your life:

She Comes First (Linky:

Please thank me afterwards. Or just think about me while you're slayin'

u/neurotic_girl 路 3 pointsr/relationship_advice

Confidence is going to be your best tool.. no pun intended. Twiggyfoot1 covered the majority of what I came here to say so I'll just leave a link for this book She Comes First and I wish you much happiness.

u/superniceguyOKAY 路 3 pointsr/AdviceAnimals

Thats unfotunate; really it is, and sometimes it can take plenty of time and communication to break down those barriers. I often found that with my partners, communication and comfort was key! Also, it helps if you know a thing or two on how to approach the act and make it part of your "Core Play". I myself can't overlook this part of sex. Plenty of people found this to be helpful

u/kevlarthebarbarian 路 3 pointsr/sex

Here's a great book for you. You will learn everything you ever wanted to know about the female anatomy plus actual techniques and routines to get her off. Every girl I've been with has said I give head like a lesbian haha. Hope this helps! :)

u/Dragon_DLV 路 3 pointsr/AskMen

Also, get your hands on this book if you can

u/Fjc562 路 3 pointsr/sex

My wife says this is the best $10 I have ever spent.

u/IdyllMermaid 路 3 pointsr/TheGirlSurvivalGuide

I was your age when I had sex for the first time, and it was with my first love. While I felt some trepidation, having to get past the "script"about sex before marriage that my parents had always voiced....I felt comfortable and safe with my partner. Also I had enjoyed the excitement between us, when we'd kiss, or touch, or rub, and was physically ready for that to proceed.


Go slow, the first time having penetrative sex may feel uncomfortable, but if it's hurting you, stop and try another position, or go back to touching and kissing for awhile. Communication is important, don't be ashamed to voice when something feels more good or less good, or uncomfortable.

Consider stimulating your clitoris before and during sex, or have him touch you/stimulate you there first. For many women it can make a difference, that building excitement and natural moisture makes their body ready for penetrative sex.

For my first time, intercourse didn't feel good at first and my partner could tell. I told him, "It's going to hurt anyways, lets just get it over with."...He stopped and gave me a huge cuddle, and told me "Sweetie, that's silly, we've got lots of time."

Maybe you are already aware of this, but in case you're not:

It's very exciting for men, if they haven't much experience looking and touching women so they may ejaculate quickly. If that happens, try to be sweet (don't act disappointed). If you want to continue because you're still excited, you can ask him to kiss & touch you (maybe give you oral sex if you're ready?), and he will likely be able to get hard again in 5-20 minutes, if you want to try again.

In general, orgasms are easy for men, they can finish quickly, and they are very visually oriented (visuals stimulate them). For women, sex is much more tied to emotions and thoughts, and while this varies per each women, having an orgasm from penetrative sex may not happen. It can still feel pleasurable, nice, exciting, just may not end with a "bang". And that's OK.

Feeling connected, loved, and excited by your partner is what's important. If the first time is awkward, you can both communicate and explore and develop your sexual relationship.


If either of you are interested in "studying" about sexual techniques (NOT a requirement for your first time- just a suggestion for future)

u/jpallan 路 3 pointsr/relationships

I don't know if you've spoken to her about this, but you should. And by speaking, I mean a discussion, one where you primarily listen.

Does she have sexual insecurities? There are women who are convinced they smell or taste bad and are paranoid about having sex because of this. This isn't all that unusual at her age, where likely she's only been having sex for a couple of years. It takes time to build confidence.

Does she have problems reaching orgasm? If she doesn't get a lot of physical enjoyment out of sex, then that's another reason, and it's an opportunity for you to improve your record. If that's the problem, try reading She Comes First by Ian Kerner.

Why does she have sex? Some women are so inhibited that they only have sex for the physical closeness and affection, and view the sex part as very much secondary. (For that matter, some men are the same.) Is that what she's looking for?

Is she worried about the likelihood of pregnancy? If you two are using condoms for contraception, that's an excellent reason to be concerned, and it would serve her well to learn about alternative forms of contraception.

There are medications, most commonly antidepressants, that greatly inhibit one's sex drive 鈥 it's normal to react to SSRIs as if you've just taken vows in a monastery.

There are lots of reasons that people aren't having sex, and it's worth your time to ask. She may not tell you, but it won't hurt to ask. She may simply have a low libido, or it may be any of the reasons I outlined or one of the ones I didn't, but she's too embarrassed to admit it.

Your best bet is to ask in a non-judgmental, non-threatening way. Make it clear to her that you love her and you're not considering leaving her. You just want to make sure she enjoys the sex life you do have.

It's quite possible that if the sexual encounters you have improve significantly, she'll want to have sex more often. At your age, it's normal to have poor technique. (I'm not saying you do, just that it's quite common.) She Comes First is an excellent manual on technique.

Good luck. I know I didn't mellow out about sex until I was in my twenties, but I ended up making a few men very happy after that. :)

u/THEmandingoBoy 路 3 pointsr/offmychest

I'd like to recommend to all my fellow Bros out there a book called 'She Comes First' by Ian Kerner.

This fucking book is the bible of not just going down on your girl, but of understanding how to physically please her.

It takes into consideration all the comments I've seen here and much, much more.

So yea, check it out! :)

u/7teenFlyingTigers 路 3 pointsr/bigdickproblems
u/heist_of_saint_graft 路 3 pointsr/asktrp

Congratulations: you now have three months to practice becoming the best pussy-licker in town. A skill that will stand you in good stead whether this girl stays around or not, believe me, believe me.

It's dangerous to go alone. Take this.

u/FuckApathy 路 3 pointsr/dating_advice

Recommended reading

How someone treats you in the bedroom is often how they will treat you in life. She likely feels that because you don't like doing something you don't care enough to explore the possibility of developing an interest. I hated beer the first ten times I drank it, but acquired the taste and learned how to buy good beer.

Don't get disheartened, she gave you a direction with which to improve. The sexiest thing you can do in life is to commit to bettering yourself for you.

u/keithontheinternet 路 3 pointsr/sex

There is NOTHING to learn from most porn. It is not a guide and it's all fake and/or unattainable. They are outliers when it comes to bodies, body parts, flexibility, and ability.

All positions are modifications of him on top, you on top, and you either facing towards or away from him. You don't need instructions to get into them. You just start somewhere and move your parts until something feels better. Try lifting a leg, lift both legs, lean back, rotate your pelvis slightly, etc. The Kama Sutra is for way later on in your sexual career.

If he wants to learn to pleasure you, have him buy this book: She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. Then you need to get comfortable talking to each other and expressing what feels good and what doesn't. You can learn SO MUCH just from each other.

Getting him to stop watching porn is another matter. Most men, and lots of women, watch porn sometimes. Asking him to stop cold turkey will cause resentment and he will just end up watching it in secret. If he watches porn that offends you, or if he is comparing you, or if he is asking you to do things that you are not comfortable with, then he's probably not the right guy for you and there's someone else who will treat you better.

u/big-whisky 路 3 pointsr/sex

As long as it takes. Want to be a god to her? Get a copy of and memorize it :)

u/contains-multitudes 路 3 pointsr/sex

Buy him a copy of She Comes First:

Sounds like he could learn a lot...

u/whiskey_pants 路 3 pointsr/sex

Have you seen a doctor? There are steroid creams that can help loosen the foreskin. Were you retractable before and then developed phimosis, or is it merely that the foreskin is still attached? If it's still attached, having sex may loosen it, but it is possible to have sex with the foreskin still adhered.

For me this would have been no worry when I was young. I can't say how other young women might respond, but I do not recall anyone taking any issue with a man being a virgin when I was in your age range. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself. Fordyce spots aren't rare and there are creams you can get if they bother you. It's just excess sebum, something your skin is supposed to make anyway as a way to keep itself hydrated and healthy. There is nothing wrong with fordyce spots other than if you don't prefer how they look.

If you want to feel more confident try reading She Comes First. It is a great reference to learning how to give pleasure to a woman and will help you overcome the areas where you are lacking confidence by giving you a better idea of what feels great to ladies and why.

u/S0CIOPATH 路 3 pointsr/sex

A guy who cared about himself only told you that you are bad in bed. Fuck, this world is broken beyond repair.

But on a more serious note, from what you saying you have a good attitude. You solved your problems (vaginismus) that are difficult, you made sure that he was satisfied, you didn't write if he reciprocate bj, so I'll assume that he didn't.

There is nothing wrong with you, you just found an immature dude who thinks he's a bedroom god because he watched few guys fucking and he learned how to stick his dick into someone.

Send him this link and tell him to fuck off.

u/twinkle422 路 2 pointsr/TrollXChromosomes

Married for 10 years and bought this book for my husband last month. Maybe it would help?

u/natespizer 路 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Time for him to read "Shes Comes First"

If you want to work on it is there any way you could talk up his manhood if he would make you feel more like a woman and help you to orgasm more often.

I would LOVE to be able to go down on my wife more. Maybe taking this tact might help.

u/paperseverywhere 路 2 pointsr/sex

For whom? If you want a book for adults, She Comes First is good.

u/--X88B88-- 路 2 pointsr/CasualConversation

I read this book when I was young and insecure about my sexual stylings. It's been a big hit. One girl said, "OMG, did your dad teach you how to eat pussy?!", which still makes me laugh.

EDIT: I just remembered: later that same girl and I broke up but remained friends and eventually she got married and gave her husband my copy of the book. :D

u/levune 路 2 pointsr/sex

Get him this.

u/Bootsypants 路 2 pointsr/OneY

> I'm really worried about this, I'm definitely not going to go out an purchase small condoms.

Dude, go buy this sampler. As /u/mahi-mahi says- if you're using condoms that are too large, they're going to potentially fall off during. From experience, it's a boner-killer to lose a condom- "ohshitohshit-wherediditgo" isn't sexy.

Remember that person you slept with? She probably didn't look like a porn star, right? And you were still plenty stoked to have sex with her. Same thing- if someone is expecting a pornstar cock on a pornstar body, they're going to be disappointed with 99% of us.

You might also be interested to read this book (NSFW). This guy has a thing for oral sex, and maintains that it's pretty much the only way to get a woman off. I think he's wrong about that, but if you want ideas about sex that can take the pressure off your dick to produce orgasms, check it out.

u/AnonymousBraveGuy 路 2 pointsr/sex
u/BaakCha 路 2 pointsr/sex

Try reading this and this

Also, masturbate.

u/Leathero 路 2 pointsr/sexadvice

If you want to read more, check out She Comes First by Ian Kerner. It's focused on oral sex techniques but has a lot of helpful information about the anatomy involved. It's also good to learn as much about giving good head as you can early on. You're young, start learning early and avoid falling into bad habits.

u/such_a_sin 路 2 pointsr/sex

It's totally normal to not be able to orgasm from sex for quite a while, especially if you're not very experienced! The sensations are completely different from when you masturbate and it takes some learning and effort to get there. I would say, however, that being comfortable and relaxed is one of the biggest factors in achieving orgasm. If you don't feel 100% (which may be as a result of your history of abuse), it will affect you even if you're not really aware of it.

Is there a counsellor at school or anything who you could talk to? I think that some therapy is probably the right way to go, but it isn't a solution necessarily that will allow you to orgasm with your partner. With that said, it might allow you to explore your reasons for not enjoying masturbation and give you some space to think about what you want from a sexual relationship.

I wouldn't worry too much. No partner of mine gave me an orgasm through sex until I was a bit older and much more experienced. A lot of it is to do with learning the sensations and exploring other, non-penetrative methods of pleasing one another. If you're really at a loss, you could get him to grab a copy of She Comes First (link:, which a lot of people find really helps in this sort of situation.

Stop pressuring yourself to orgasm. So long as you're enjoying your sexual encounters, an orgasm isn't necessary and the more you or your partner pressure you to have one, the less likely it is to happen. First orgasms from sex tend to come when you least expect them because the female mind is a strange beast sometimes and a lot of things can put it off. The most important thing is to have fun.

u/gina_lee 路 2 pointsr/sex

I recommend this: She Comes First.

u/jstaylor9 路 2 pointsr/sex

Have him watch this or read this.

u/Coidzor 路 2 pointsr/sex

She Comes First isn't 500 pages, it should be about 240 pages.

The sidebar FAQ should have a lot of subjects of interest to you when it comes to technique.

Some of the stuff for first-timers might also be of interest.

Of course, if you're experiencing true terror and anxiety over this, speaking to a professional may be in order.

u/willow238 路 2 pointsr/sex

We are all different. Talk to your partner, and also read this book: She Comes First

You will have many happy girlfriends. I鈥檓 a woman and I still read it to learn what other girls like!

u/mariahmce 路 2 pointsr/MarriedLife

This is going to be a hard pill to swallow but when my girlfriends complain about the husbands being annoying about sex it's generally because her husband doesn't rev her engine in bed. Maybe the sex (with you) isn't working for her. Sometimes things get stale or the sexual communication breaks down. Maybe your doing something or taking an approach that doesn't get her all hot and bothered. If it were the best sex of her life, I guarantee you she'd ask for it.
Maybe try this:
She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)

u/mojoe2013 路 2 pointsr/sex

I highly recommend reading She Comes First. This book will answer all your questions and give you a solid guide on what to do. Amazon link: She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)

u/alizarincrimson 路 2 pointsr/AskReddit

What the above dude said. Nine times out of ten, if a woman gets off a couple of times (oral, fingering, whatever), she won't give a fuck if you, you know, don't give her a fuck. Or a short fuck. Whatever. Doesn't matter; had orgasm.

Get really good at oral. (I've heard good things about the book "She Comes First". And I'm sure there are good guides on the internet.) Then go forth and get repeat customers. Copious amounts of orgasms tend to have a positive effect.

Source: I'm a certified vagina-bearer.

u/polkadotqueen 路 2 pointsr/AskWomenOver30

It can certainly be a challenge to help create change, but I've found that talking about issues related to sex have to happen outside the bedroom and then give specific instructions during foreplay. Something like taking his hand and moving it where you want and then verbally saying, "yes, just like that." Playing up your enjoyment whenever he does something even close to what you want is also helpful. Afterward telling him exactly what you liked that he did and how much you love when he touches you like that.

There is a wonderful book called She Comes First.

He might feel upset if you suggest or give him a copy but hopefully he'll read it and start seeing that pleasure is a two-way street.

u/SagaciousFool 路 2 pointsr/AskWomen

Male here. As a continuation of this I would like to suggest She comes first as a good place to start.

u/snowonelikesme 路 2 pointsr/sex

yeah its hard to do what works when they themselves don't know. I suggest she comes first in regards to just upping your knowledge of all the zones, as well trying yoni massages they are amazing fun.

but you can just search for that and find many sites explaining the process. this is not strictly oral but can lead to oral while they are also highly stimulated meaning they will in most cases really enjoy it.

u/Genitalhandshake 路 2 pointsr/sex

I just read your post and felt empathy for your situatiom. I've been in a similar one myself (I have a small penis and trouble with premature ejaculation). For a long time I thought that I couldnt pleasure women because of it, but I've since changed my mind and I am actually enjoying a trusting and fulfilling relationship right now.

The secret to this is quite simple: girls in general doesn't like to get fucked as much as porn or other men (who are educated through porn) would have is believe. What girls care about is one thing: connection. Trust me.

I'm going to take a wild guess here, but I believe that what you want is to give a woman pleasure. I'll say it again: pleasure. The ultimate way to affirm that you've given someone pleause is that she orgasms right? Now ask yourself: what is it that makes most women experience this pleasure?

Answer: oral sex in a safe and trusting environment that makes the woman feel appreciated and beautiful. This is what makes most women feel appreciated and once I realized it's actually true (by asking people what they enjoyed and reading up on it - see for example the Kinsey Report and Masters and Johnson I decided to try the following:

  • Put intimacy and pleasure first.
  • Learn how to pleasure women orally by employing the techniques in "She Comes First":
  • Understanding what women actually like themselves by reading: "The New Male Sexuality":

    I've tried this on several women since, and trust me - size queens and petite and shy women enjoy themselves tremendously and make sounds of ecstacy in bed with me. And it's my tounge and fingers that makes them come back and choose me over well hung alphas.

    TL;DR - The cock is inferior to the tounge in giving pleasure. If you do it right. Women are not cock-hungry beasts, men are the ones who perpetuate that myth.
u/ShowTimeAtTheApollo 路 2 pointsr/SexToys

Summed up a lot of what I was going to say. If you are properly communicating with your partners and you know what you like enough to go solo but are having trouble reaching climax with a partner you may need a book more than a sex toy. I recommend reading BOTH of these.



Come As You Are is going to help you with problems with judgement and what an orgasm "should" be.

She Comes First is a wonderful anatomy-of-the-clitoris book disguised as a cunnilingus manual.


u/cloversnhearts 路 2 pointsr/r4rtoronto

Might check this out in the meantime...
She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)

u/2mas2esiguala5 路 2 pointsr/sex

Read this book She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner) try not to focus so much on your penis giving her an orgasm. Let her cum first. You orgasming quickly doesn鈥檛 have to ruin your sex life. Just get creative, maybe bring in some toys for her? As far as the bdsm goes, work your way up to it. Start with finding what works for you guys and then find a way to discuss how you could slowly incorporate other things that may make her submissive. This doesn鈥檛 have to include heavy sadism on your part. It could be something as simple as you trying her hands to the headboard and going down on her and using some vibes. Get creative and talk to her, it sounds like you two have a wonderful relationship aside from this easy fix.

u/melonzipper 路 2 pointsr/AskWomen

To be honest I learned a lot from reading She Comes First, the first half of the book is about your anatomy and the second half is about potential approaches you might enjoy :)

Conversely, he made another book for pleasuring the penis called Passionista with a similar layout.

If you like reading about sex, this one is pretty damn good too: Bonk

Reading about sex is fun because you not only do you get to learn more about yourself and/or your partner, but also some fun mechanics and potential exposure to things you might like to try.

u/catharticwhoosh 路 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

I've read through all these comments and your clarifications so far. Having been through his situation I'd say the tears are much more damaging than some give them credit for. He doesn't want to damage you emotionally. It makes a man feel like a failure (no man at all) and an abusive monster. I'm not overstating that.

When he says he is working on it that probably means he is working on his mindset - trying to convince himself he is not a failure. This is where masterbation helps. He can still get hard. That's a success. It also happens to make him less likely to get hard for you on short notice, but that's not the thought in the forefront of his mind. Getting hard is.

He is also assessing whether he is abusive to you. In his mind he abused you as many times as his non-performance has made you cry. How does a man get over that except by becoming convinced those were worthless tears. If they were worthless then how many of your tears have also been worthless? If any then are tears a manipulation? How many times has he been manipulated with tears? I'm not asking you, I'm just telling you the thoughts that went through my head when it happened to me.

When he said he is working on it these are the kinds of things he is mentally chewing on. As you can see though there are no answers short of reading each other's minds. Nonetheless it counts as "working on it". I give him the benefit of the doubt.

What I respond to when this happens is play (as someone else suggested). Head, hands, anything but PIV because PIV is "performance". Let him learn cunnilingus - really learn it. You can similarly study your arts. At some point PIV will follow. Also, if it is play you may find your tears don't appear because it just isn't that serious. The key for me at the time was to remove the "performance" part because that makes failure a possiblility.

While you're at it do get him checked by a doctor. Many men need a glaring reason to go get checked out and this is an opportunity to get it done whether there is a medical issue or not.

I'm probably going to get skewered by the veterans of this subreddit. This is my first post in it and I have similar issues but these are the things that worked for me, for as long as they lasted.

u/vomitscream 路 2 pointsr/dating_advice

To expand on /u/JuliusJustice points about what to do in bed (actual techniques) I would recommend perviewing: - Empiric research about how different women find pleasure

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman - Guide about how make women cum with your mouth. Written by a man who suffered from premature ejaculation. Essentially, it's about making them orgasm before you, since most of us guys can ejaculate "on command" anyway.

u/scratchyNutz 路 2 pointsr/sex
  1. Get this book.
  2. Read it from cover to cover.
  3. Read it again.
  4. Master it's contents.

    It may take numerous attempts, don't stress it, you're young, you have plenty of time. It may be weeks, months or even years while she learns to relax enough to go with the flow, it's your responsibility to be patient and caring.

    If she doesn't come from the techniques you've learned from it, it wont matter, she'll love you for making the effort.

u/slavicsquatter 路 2 pointsr/Tinder

And I'm here having troubles with finishing, lmao. That's why I focus that much more on my oral skills and so far not bad. 馃

I recommend to read this (can be found in pdf for free) Read it before my first time and was successful. Also this

u/truthdemon 路 2 pointsr/sex

Get him to read this: She Comes First by Ian Kerner. The scenario you described pretty much sums up what the whole book is about. The clitoris is best stimulated orally and the book goes into not just how best to do this, but the whole mentality and motivation behind it. It's written for the man to understand (but can equally apply to any gender wishing to give a woman an orgasm). As a man it has changed the way I view the female orgasm and the priority I need to give it to make sex fantastic for both of us.
Edit: You should read this too OP.

u/tonythev 路 2 pointsr/AskReddit

She Come First: A Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman - link

Changed my life, man.

u/DjiboHat-Wearer 路 2 pointsr/NoFap

Talk to your girlfriend about this. Ask her if she'd like to try anything different in bed.

I say this because I think my girlfriend would be pretty awkward sexually if she didn't get to play a submissive role. I'm not saying your girlfriend is hiding a secret like that, but maybe think about it. Even a small amount of power exchange during sex could bring you closer by reinforcing trust.


u/whale_snail 路 2 pointsr/sex

Ok, tricky one but I've been there... I'd suggest:

The psychological/build up part. Make sure you still flirt, tease and lead each other on in a fun way. Sex does not start in the bed room. Dirty calls to work, meeting up in the bathroom at a party etc...

Techincal stuff - I'd suggest doing some homework to broaden your horizons. If you're not meeting new sexual partners you're skills can get stale. Reading helps.

Oral skills always 'go down' well...

Relationship - The bad sex I have had in relationships almost always coincides with broader problems. Are other aspects of the relationship or your lives getting less exciting also? Need to talk about anything?

Hope some of those ideas help

u/COKeefe88 路 2 pointsr/Christianity

Read this book.

If you only have sex every 2-3 weeks - you sure as heck better make it worth it. For her. Not for you. She has sex for you...and so do you. Have sex for her sake, not for yours. If you only ever gave gifts at Christmas and didn't get anything probably wouldn't want to have Christmas so often, would you?

u/DesertBreeze 路 2 pointsr/sex

That video link that was posted by Hennablossom is a great tutorial on one way to go down on a woman. And this technique feels reeeeaaaally good.

On another post, someone mentions a book named "She Comes First" that you might want to read:

Then there is a technique you can try to get her to be able to squirt (you can skip to the 12 minute mark...before that it is a lot of talking and then him rimming her, if you like that):

Then tell her you are not giving up on finding a way to get her to climax and that you don't want her to give up either.

With masturbation, how long does it take you to climax? I have seen people on here asking if you are using a "death grip" technique and that if you are, you should stop that.

u/epicmoe 路 2 pointsr/sex

Check out Nina Hartley's tutorials on pussy eating (she has other good ones as well) It is available on pornhub but if this is blocked in your country, it is available many places on the internet.

I usually also recommend the book She Comes First , however as English is not your first language there may be a language barrier!

Other than that, practice, practice, practice! listen to her, be aware of her visual clues, and keep the lines of communication open.

Good luck!

u/SexEdSteve 路 1 pointr/sex

If you're willing to play the long game, get a book like She Comes First to up your pleasing game. You could be great, but even an Olympic athlete gets advice and motivation from their coach. Then if she brings it up, say you heard about the book and wanted to check it out. That baits the hook for hearing about things and bringing them into the bedroom. Then you hear about prostate stimulation. Also need to be open and accepting of things that she might bring forth to try.

u/Username4418 路 1 pointr/sex
u/ClownDaily 路 1 pointr/relationship_advice

Take a look at this book too!

She Comes First by Ian Kerner

Yes, it was written by a man. But it was a pretty interesting read for anyone trying to be a little bit more of a gentleman in bed. It's pretty technical at points, but there's piles of people that have said it completely changed their sexual relationship with their partner

Obviously every woman is different but i think its a pretty great starting point. And a few women I have told to give it a read were pretty impressed with it too!

u/Polaritical 路 1 pointr/IWantToLearn

Possibly this?

u/roninsti 路 1 pointr/sex

Get him that book if he's sincere about thinking he's not good at it. Also communicate what feels good. We don't have your equipment, any and all guidance should be appreciated.

u/Arduinna 路 1 pointr/sex

I can't speak for all women, but I associate sexual encounters as emotional experiences. My fondest memories of sexual encounters are fond because of who I was with, not what they did. So for me there isn't comparing sexual performance with past lovers so much. Most of the time they are behaviors/tricks that can be learned anyway. I've been with a decent number of men and my boyfriend felt very insecure at first when I'd told him how many men I'd been with before him. He had the same concerns, "If she's had better, how can I live up to that?" Truth is, you don't. You don't try. I can't make a list of the men I've been with and order them based on best and worst sexual experiences. They're all different to me. Yeah, there was some mind-blowing sex but it's not like I go into each sexual encounter and immediately start comparing former lovers. Each encounter means I focus solely on the person I'm with and what they can do or are willing to learn to do. Everyone is good at something in bed and as long as you can find a way to get her off and you listen to what it is she likes and wants then you're just fine. The love you two have will also increase the passion in the sex which heightens it anyway.

If you worry about her past you will constantly be miserable and get yourself very depressed. Stop worrying about comparing to her former lovers, stop worrying about being as good as them or better. What you need to do is realize you're not them and you don't need to be them and that she's not with them she's with you. Make your own memories. You don't worry about if her former boyfriends were better kissers than you, do you? Or if they gave better hugs?

And if you're that concerned about performance (which if she truly loves you she will be willing to work with you on it and willing to give you much practice when possible) then I suggest research. As a virgin I was incredibly worried that I'd fall into the virgin stereotype of the completely ignorant little girl that doesn't know what she's doing or how to do anything. I started researching. Research female anatomy. Read advice things on /r/sex when women answer questions about things they like (keep in mind all women are different, though there are many things we have in common that we all enjoy). There are books that give you great information like She Comes First which is a great book and various other books regarding the same topic. Don't just read one book. Read all of them. (IGNORE MAGAZINES) Compare information you learn in the different books. Watch instructional videos. Nina Hartley makes great ones, most of which you can find parts of or the complete video of online. Her one about eating a girl out is really spot on (no pun intended). As a porn lover I beg you not to try to learn things from porn. The more you learn about pleasing a woman the more you will realize how very very wrong porn does sex. It's hot, but it's all show. Knowing what to do will help your confidence boost a bit, then all you need to do is apply it and practice it. Practice is important and it will help you develop those skills better- but at least you're not going in blind. Also, ask her what she likes. Talk to her.

Don't try to compare to her past. Be yourself and make different memories for her. Don't try to be who they were- be who you are. My boyfriend was inexperienced before me, insecure, and felt badly because he's average-sized. I am absolutely blissful about my sex life with him because I love him. Because he cares and it shows. Because he's giving and considerate and makes sure that I get pleasure as well as him. There's passion and love. I make no comparisons between him or anyone I've been with because it doesn't matter how good the sex was- it's how good it is now, with the man I'm intimate with.

She's with you not with them. You need to keep that in mind and you'll be okay.

u/solidad 路 1 pointr/sex
u/mojo-jono 路 1 pointr/sex

He needs to learn to be cliterate. I've heard great things about this book. I don't know how he'd react; something tells me he wouldn't appreciate it, but communication is the best way to finding better sex. If he's unable to let you communicate to him your needs and desires, neither of you are gonna have a good time. Reassure him that you love your sex life, you just want him to change it up a little.

u/Kimmeleon 路 1 pointr/howto
u/myexsparamour 路 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

He wants sex to be good for you. That's really promising!

I think you can fix this, but you're going to have to step out of your comfort zone and be more dominant for a while. I understand you'd prefer he just know what you need and want, but he doesn't. Not all guys are that intuitive.

I'll bet if you take over the foreplay for a while, he'll catch on and be able to give you what you want. You might also suggest some books for him to read, like She Comes First, if he's a reader. (I haven't read it, but it gets great reviews.)

u/margerym 路 1 pointr/RedPillWomen

Also, read this book and blow her mind orally and she'll warm up to it and want more.

u/therealjim 路 1 pointr/sex

Get this book to him somehow. It really helped me. Maybe have a friend give it as a gift?

u/funky_shmoo 路 1 pointr/sex

I'm sure some ladies will have more specific advice on the hygiene side of things. You might want to edit the post to include your gender. Regarding giving yourself the best opportunity to enjoy it, ask your boyfriend to be patient and give him as much feedback as you can about what does and doesn't feel good. If you're not sure what will work for you, be patient as your boyfriend explores so long as it's not painful. You might also recommend your boyfriend buy and read this..



It's literally an entire book on the subject of cunnilingus, and a read I highly recommend for anyone interested in learning how to orally pleasure a woman.

u/Pirate-Lookin-at-70 路 1 pointr/OkCupid
u/PercivalThePervert 路 1 pointr/GoneErotic

Ok, can we do this book next? Although we can to this one or this one too!

u/700thrones 路 1 pointr/dating

I wouldn't lie to her, but I also don't think you need to force the issue. If the topic comes up naturally in conversation, then I think that's fine to say it. Speak about it with confidence but don't go overboard. Be sincere. Usually, being a virgin is a choice. Maybe you had an opportunity earlier in life and didn't go for it. Also, you could have hired a prostitute and didn't, and, you're STD-free. All good things.

I'd also recommend educating yourself. Being great at sex is usually a combination of education and experience. I'd highly recommend this book.

Finally, something you can say (if you've done a little homework):
"I haven't done this before, but I've taken time to learn and explore what it takes to be a great lover. I'm here to do the best I can, and I'm excited to be here with you."

u/bozzwtf 路 1 pointr/AskReddit

Practiced sex nerd here.

Technically this is inaccurate. Arching her back down, (the bottom picture) can hinder blood flow to the pelvis, which can make things less enjoyable for her. This "pleasure stretch" just visually highlights sexual dimorphism, the physical features that make a woman look like a woman.

-"She Comes First"

u/niperwiper 路 1 pointr/OneY

If you really enjoy going down on girls, as I do, I highly recommend picking up this book, She Comes First. It taught me a ton about women's sexuality and what makes a damn fine lover particularly with regards to oral.

u/dopplex 路 1 pointr/relationships

A recommendation for you:

Becoming good at going down on her means that your ability to demonstrate to her how much you like her sexually won't be at the mercy of ED. That alone may help with the ED, if it's performance anxiety related - if you know that if worse comes to worse you are still going to be able to satisfy her, it can take a lot of pressure off of you. (It's also just a very good skill to have when it comes to making a partner happy.)

Additionally, I'd just recommend going out of your way to make physical contact with her. Touching and caressing can do a lot as far as communicating attraction, and it's another tool you have for demonstrating how you feel that doesn't require you to "perform".

u/Dangeruscreature 路 1 pointr/sex

That鈥檚 absolutely right! Communication is KEY in a marriage. Especially when it comes to intimate things. You two can learn together and explore something you haven鈥檛 yet. It鈥檚 a beautiful thing. And the fact that you actually care about her pleasure and what she feels already says so much about you. A lot of men don鈥檛. Not all, but a lot. And it鈥檚 so much better when you are both focused on pleasuring each other. Then after awhile, you can blow each other鈥檚 minds!
I鈥檇 also be careful with how you approach counseling. You don鈥檛 want to give her the idea that you think something is wrong because that could make her shut down more. I鈥檇 suggest reading a book first and then having a nice sit down. Fully clothed to take the pressure off and let her know you love her and you want to make her feel really good. Maybe on the couch or at the table so she doesn鈥檛 feel weird.
She comes first is an excellent read! And highly recommended. Here鈥檚 the link for amazon. Cheers!
She comes first

u/handymanou812 路 1 pointr/sex

Get her off orally, then the stress is off of you you will get better.

u/Treadingligh 路 1 pointr/adultery

I think you should upgrade his morning library trip with new material. I recommend

Sometimes it takes a different perspective to get the message home. I learned some new tricks from the book myself! :-)

u/Sznajberg 路 1 pointr/politics

>( 蜖掳 蜔蕱 汀掳)

That ( 蜖掳 蜔蕱 汀掳 ) reminds me of another book

u/admiral93 路 1 pointr/sex

"She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman"

Buy him this book! :) Not in an authoritative way, no man likes being told that he doesn't know how to pleasure his woman. Give it to him with a wink and a smile! ;)

u/petrus4 路 1 pointr/lawofattraction

This might help.

u/SimianSlacker 路 1 pointr/AskMen

Learn to eat pussy really really good. She won鈥檛 care if you cum in 2 seconds or 2 hours, especially after she鈥檚 cum twice.

Pro Tip: Read this book... She Comes First: The Thinking...

u/Koala_Blues 路 1 pointr/AskWomen

I had a very similar experience. The few exes that tried it weren't good at it and were not into it. I figured it wasn't something I really enjoyed. When my current partner and I first started dating, they read the short book [She Comes First](She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner) . In previous relationships they never went down on their partner, I don't know what possessed them to read this book, but talk about a godsend. It's like the planets, stars and comets are all colliding at once when they eat me out. 馃槏

u/calladus 路 1 pointr/internetparents

Sex is between your ears, not between your legs. You can learn sex, you don't have to be stuck with the equipment bestowed by nature.

I recommend doing some research. "The Joy of Sex" and "She Comes First" are both books I'd recommend that you start with.

u/Bosfordjd 路 1 pointr/AskMen


If you're new to things read this.

u/mostmetausername 路 1 pointr/funny
u/kokkelis32145 路 1 pointr/DeuxRAMA


Come as you are
She comes first


u/M14535955 路 1 pointr/sex

[She Comes First] ( A coworker recommended it to me and every guy I've given it to since then has either thanked me (or wowed me with their improved understanding of foreplay).

Plus, learn a several different ways to play with her clit- some girls like different motions, some like more pressure or less. Then kind of experiment.

For me, it's also important that a guy pays attention to all my erogenous zones- nipples, neck, touching my inner thighs, creating build up. I want to feel like he's enjoying the moment as much as I am. Rather than feeling like he's doing it because he's supposed to but is actually impatient (ofc there's a time and place for that, too- where it's hot af if he can't hold back from teasing me anymore).

Edit. Fixed the link.

u/againer 路 1 pointr/TwoXChromosomes

Buy him this. Then have him "study" the best part is all the homework is fun and awesome !

u/TheDudeSA 路 1 pointr/AskMen

Seriously the best book about oral sex ive read. I recommend reading the whole thing

u/abetterpartofme 路 1 pointr/sex

I recommend this book!

u/TheRainMonster 路 1 pointr/MMFB

>"hey, if you were rev'd up more then maybe it would have worked."

It's possible that she has a fetish or interest in sexual aggressiveness which she isn't expressing well. I'd go through some of Dan Savage's archives for advice on approaching such play, and then discuss it with her to see if that's something she's interested in.

Also, I am rarely in the mood for sex if I'm stressed out and have a lot of demands to deal with in my day-to-day. If she has a lot going on then having sex won't feel like something that's relaxing and rejuvenating, but another demand that she doesn't have time or energy for. There are a lot of books out there with insight on how women experience sex differently than men (She Comes First leaps to mind) which you might read together to see if there is something that the two of you can do to reconnect sexually and have it meet both of your needs.

u/daerrm 路 1 pointr/AskReddit
u/Gizank 路 1 pointr/funny

Just sliding a finger or two in and out isn't doing much. There's a whole world of technique out there. Also, the clit is a whole lot bigger than you might think. I linked this elsewhere. It's a life-expanding manual, in my experience.

u/dweicli 路 1 pointr/sex

Instead of asking him to do something he's not interested in, see if you can get him interested. Bring it up more often, watch porn with a heavier focus on the female receiving oral, or maybe load them up in your browser history and let him stumble across it. Show him signs that theres something you desire. Tell him you're not being fully pleasured without oral. If he cares about your needs, he should be more open to it.
Im on the opposite end, and love giving oral, but wanted more information on it regardless. Here's a great book ive come across. The beginning is more about research and anatomy, but it gets better as it goes. Theres a little bit of humor too so its a fairly easy read. Its called, "She Comes First" by Ian Kerner. Heres a link to amazon.

Side note, something that drives me crazy is when a girl texts me randomly and tells me shes thinking about me going down on her. Come night time, all i want to do is just that. Subtle hints can be your best friend. Good luck to ya!

u/RestingGrinchFace- 路 1 pointr/askwomenadvice

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)

u/MiaAlgia 路 1 pointr/TwoXChromosomes

I don't know if this is good advice, but one of the episodes in this series has has advice A Girl's Guide To 21st Century Sex:

There's also a whole book on it

It appears to give me vaginal thrush do I avoid it.

u/nappy_poontang 路 0 pointsr/asktrp

I don鈥檛 last that long either. But I don鈥檛 fucking care and neither does my girl. Know why? My LTR is moaning, screaming, and trembling for 30+ minutes before my penis ever goes in. She cums multiple times.

Most women don鈥檛 get a great physical pleasure from piv. It鈥檚 more psychological: nurturing, comforting. The biggest way to pleasure a women is to use your hands and mouth.

Do yourself a favor and read this:

u/timothj 路 0 pointsr/sex

Figure some way of getting this to him without him knowing it comes from you

u/omgthecube 路 0 pointsr/sex

For those wanting more lady-pleasing tips, I found "She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman" by Ian Kerner to be just that.

It's the same sort of advice that dertah6 is offering, just a little more extensive and... entertaining?

Give it a shot, I found it helpful during my college years and beyond.

u/Tim_Theory 路 -1 pointsr/sex

You might be interested to check out "She Comes First". It's 150+ pages of the culture, history, anatomy, and technique of cunnilingus and it answers exactly this sort of question.

Amazon synopsis:


u/Difficult_Top 路 -4 pointsr/TheRedPill

Or you know, be less of a bad fuck.
(Only 25 percent of women are consistently orgasmic during vaginal intercourse.)

Here you go.

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman

u/marriedacarrot 路 -9 pointsr/reactiongifs
u/Pljeskavica 路 -10 pointsr/funny

I know this is a "joke" but most men have no idea what they are doing and its not like girls have much idea how to guide their men on how to better please them. Read this book: She Comes First (
It changed my marriage and now my wife brags to all of her friends about how often I give her orgasms. I have literally had two of her friends bow down to me praising how good I am with my tongue (they were a little drunk).