Reddit Reddit reviews Stuck in the Middle with You: A Memoir of Parenting in Three Genders

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Stuck in the Middle with You: A Memoir of Parenting in Three Genders
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1 Reddit comment about Stuck in the Middle with You: A Memoir of Parenting in Three Genders:

u/putmeinthezoo ยท 17 pointsr/mypartneristrans

Whew! Finally. Kids in bed, not running all over town. I am so sorry that I couldn't really say much earlier.

What is it about our spouses telling us when we're pregnant? It's like the dysphoria really gets to them and suddenly they need to share when we're at our most needy and vulnerable. It seems to keep happening. I swear it's A Thing.

Don't Panic. Are you wearing your towel?

You said you found some of my older posts. Yeah, you're me. Except for the twin thing. But you're also several of my friends, too. I just made a new friend a couple weeks ago that you could have quoted word for word. Another longtime friend (as in, someone I knew before this path started for me) has a spouse in the closet and has no idea what to do with spouse at home, yet it's serious enough that spouse is taking advantage of business trips overseas so he doesn't run into anyone he knows locally while en femme. And of course, I gave you Melissa's tale.

It's been an adventure. But speaking from somewhere near the end of the stressful period, it really hasn't been nearly as bad as I thought from going in.

Right up front, they dump this on us. It may have been swirling around in their brains for weeks, months, years, maybe even decades. But it's totally new to us. And what does it mean? What does it mean for our sexual relationship, our stability, our finances? It definitely takes a while to parse through. So Nemo_87 has it right on. Breathe. This isn't something that's going to happen overnight. You have lots of time to figure things out and to talk and figure out what you both want.

First question to ask yourself: Did you marry your person, or did you marry a gender? It sounds like you married your person. He is worried about hanging onto the relationship, and it sounds like, like us, you married someone that you consider a very close friend as well as a father, breadwinner and romantic partner. Does this change if your person changes gender? It sounds like you're at least on good ground to have a real conversation about the path you're about to embark on.

I'm going to second the suggestion of the Jennifer Boylan books. One is She's Not There, which was written 10 years ago when James Boylan transitioned to Jenny Boylan. It goes right up to after her SRS surgery, and the new version has an additional afterword with an update. The other one literally just came out, like last week. I'm still waiting for it to arrive, but it is Stuck in the Middle With You: Parenting in Three Genders.

I identify so much with Dee Dee Boylan (Grace in the book), and I think you'd find it very helpful.

Remember that this is a very loooooong process. Your spouse isn't going to show up at work one day and say, "oh, by the way, I'm a girl now." More likely, she'll grow her hair out to something gender ambiguous, maybe pierce ears, find some support groups, dress around the house, stuff like that. Sooner or later, she will likely want hormones. That requires doctor visits for the prescription and usually a therapist as well. Once on the hormones, you have to work out the dosage. With a wife and kids and sex drive in the picture, how fast the changes happen will be dependent on what you work out. Boobs get to an A or B cup, but it could take 6 months, maybe a year or two. Erectile dysphoria may or may not be a problem. It doesn't bother some people, and at least in our case, our physical relationship hasn't changed a whole lot. Other people want surgical changes. Without talking, it's hard to know what route your family will take.

As for the kids, you said the oldest isn't even in school yet. They won't know the difference. The oldest one might, a little, but kids are so accepting and loving. They love their person, and know nothing of bigotry and discrimination. Honestly, the kids have been the easiest part.

Family and friends are a mixed bag. We have been overwhelmingly amazed by how supportive the great majority of our extended connections have been. We've had a few that reacted really badly at first - the super conservative religiously and politically friend pretty much freaked at the extended family when he found out, and asked some interesting questions, but after a while, even he came to realize that their relationship and my spouse's happiness was more important than any perceived ick factor that his environment had leached into him over the years. So far, we only have one relative that's been a total jackass about it, but honestly, he could play Archie Bunker without blinking, so we don't really hold his opinion in high regard anyway.

I'd be glad to chat anytime. It's hard, especially at the beginning, to realize that going down this road does not mean your spouse is the next contestant on RuPaul's Drag Race. Real people with trans issues just want to blend in and disappear like every other person, not stand out as a model of Teh Trans, so it's really hard to find support from people that don't have Issues or are early or mid-process.