Reddit reviews Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem

Hi! It sounds like you’re going through a lot and I’m really sorry to hear that this is happening around you. First, you sound like you are very aware. That’s a really important quality to have both now and in the future to overcome stuff like this.

Preface: I am a young woman, not a father sorry if that’s against the rules here

As for the question you asked, I would perhaps approach the conversation with your dad with a little disclaimer. “Dad, I would like to talk to you about something but I’m concerned that if I do, the structure of my life is going to change and I don’t feel like that would be beneficial for me.”

If you don’t think that that would be helpful or that he may just upend you anyhow, you can also approach it with “Dad, I have a lot on my mind that I think I need to talk about but I think it would be best if I talked it out with a therapist.”

My mom was a lot like yours. She has borderline personality disorder. I grew up feeling very similar things to what you’ve described and the two things that helped me most were therapy and the book Surviving a Borderline Parent . If you aren’t comfortable with having those conversations, there is still a lot of healing that you can do for yourself, without having to engage any of the chaos around you and perhaps making it worse. I would just suggest if you get that book to try to hide it. I don’t think your mom would take too kindly to finding it, and if she did it might make things worse for you which is the last thing I want.

Good luck and don’t forget that although SHEs dysfunctional, that doesn’t mean that you have to let all of that in. Let her be crazy on her own time, you are your own person who can chose to not engage.

>I learned that was I was, was too much, for anyone, but especially her. I learned that my emotions were too messy and no one wanted, or needed, to hear about them.

I love the way you put that. I too, had emotions that too messy.

> I learned to say sorry compulsively.

Yes. I still do this ALL the time (to anyone). And then I beat myself up in my head for apologizing for something that clearly wasn't my fault. Sometimes I say sorry for things that don't even have fault or blame associated with them. My earliest memory of this was in the 6th grade. An older girl told me the tag on my shirt was sticking out. I apologized. She started giggling with her friend. Why did she apologize? My heart breaks for little me in that moment. So confused. Decades away from getting any sort of clarity. I really just want to give little me a hug and tell her it's gonna be okay.

>I learned I was crazy, manipulative, not good enough.

Yes ☑️☑️☑️ It seems like a lot of us we're told similar messages. I wonder if there's something more to that.

>I've overcome some of this stuff quite well, others I'm still fighting. I know there's more stuff, this is just that came to my mind easily without thinking too hard, I don't wanna dive too deep at the moment.

Thanks for sharing everything you did with us ♥️

>This is a very thought provoking post, thank you for making it and giving us space to hash all of this stuff out. Really, it means a lot. Thank you. <3

You're welcome. I'm so glad you got something out of it. The post was inspired by an exercise from the book Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem.

"Surviving the Borderline Parent. How to heal your childhood wounds & build trust, boundaries and self-esteem." And it's helping me do just that. I really recommend it.
Amazon will let you read the first part of it.
http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287

I have a great little workbook Surviving a Borderline Parent that I found on Amazon when I was looking at Understanding the Borderline Parent. That book was way too intense for where I'm at now, but the workbook is just about perfect. It walks through several areas discussing what many people experience growing up raised by a BPD parent, offering both explanation and suggested activities to explore your own experiences.

I feel for you so much. My mom was never happy with anything I ever did, and still isn't. I had the same dilemma as you - good grades, good daughter, I didn't understand why I could never make her happy. I gave up trying to understand her a long time ago. What I did was minimize contact with her - I haven't spoken to her in months, although I do keep in touch regularly with my dad - he's the greatest.

Long-term goal - focus on going away for college, or getting the means to move out once you're 18. Get a job, find a roommate, get another job. You'll feel so much more empowered knowing you can take care of yourself. Dream about that moment, when you'll be free to do whatever you want, including not answering your parents' phone calls. And deciding to see them only once a month, instead of every week like they'd want to. (I'm just giving some examples here, but you'll be in total control of how often you guys interact.)

Short term - every time they try to put you down, you should reply by saying something you did good - I got an A in that class, or I did some other things. You should also remind them that you don't do drugs, never drank, never got pregnant. If they bring up examples of kids doing better than you (my mom had a neverending list!), you bring up other kids who are doing drugs, or went to jail, or don't get better grades than you. Remind them every day - their habit is hard to break, so you'll have to be very persistent and consistent.

I wonder if there's a counselor at your school. Talk to one of your teachers - there must be one you trust or like more than all the others. He/she can give you more information. I know that all colleges have free counseling for students, so worse case scenario, you'd have to wait a year to get into counseling. And the counseling in college is confidential, so your parents won't find out about it unless you tell them (or maybe if you're a danger to yourself, the college might have to notify them).

I found this book: [Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem] (http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1346530194&sr=1-2&keywords=bipolar+parent). Maybe you can find it in your local library - this way, your parents don't have to know about it. I found this book by going to Amazon, and searched for 'bipolar parent'. There are quite a few books there. Your public library must have at least one of them.

You've come along so far, please hang in there. It won't be easy, it will take years for you to repair the emotional damage that's been done to you by the two people that are supposed to love you unconditionally in this world, but the end result will be worth it. Please hang in there.

This probably depends vastly on your age, but the best thing I can say at 27 is that you should set firm boundaries and stick to them. If my mother is being verbally abusive/controlling/etc, I don't talk to her. I tell her that I love her and will talk to her when she calms down, but I refuse to listen to put-downs and unsolicited advice. I know a lot of kids of borderlines who have been helped by reading up on Dialectical behavior therapy. There is also a really great (albeit a bit pricey) book called Surviving a Borderline Parent. Don't buy the Kindle edition, it has several blank/missing pages. I haven't finished it (haven't bought paperback) but I had so many moments of "OMG, other people have gone through this!" in what little I did read. If I think of anything else, I'll post it here. Good luck!

One book I found recently has helped me tons.

Surviving a Borderline Parent

I, too, come from an undiagnosed borderline parent and also exhibit borderline traits (with my Bipolar II). It's a rough road, but self-awareness goes a long way. Make sure you find a counselor ASAP - either at your school or call around for someone who works on a sliding scale.

Thank you for sharing your story, you never know it may help someone else get out of a similarly terrible situation a little earlier. My mom is also BPD and very religious, I cut all contact with her when I was 26, and I have considered myself an atheist for many years since getting away from her toxic influence. It will take time to rediscover yourself, there’s a lot of damage to sort through. A couple things that helped me, were the out of the fog forum ( https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php )specifically the forum for children of parents with personality disorders. Also, the book surviving the borderline parent. (https://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287/ref=nodl_ ). Lastly, the support and validation I received at the forum and from my sister saved my sanity. I’m sure you’ve suffered a lot of gaslighting, and that, and least for me has done some of the most lasting damage, not trusting myself or my own thoughts/memories. I’m thinking of you and hope that you can have a life that is yours now, and not controlled by your mother’s mental illness. You know yourself better than she does. Have faith in yourself and your power. You are a good person who deserves to be truly loved unconditionally. ❤️

In highschool I tried to convince my mom to leave, but she didn't listen.

If your dad was anything like my dad, you might want to check out this book.

This book made so much sense to me! Really helped me set healthy boundaries and not have such an emotional response to the constant guilt tripping. The other books in my collection:

https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=nodl_

https://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287/ref=nodl_

I frequently revisit these books when I’m struggling with things. Hang in there!

This month I finished up Oryx and Crane, and started Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem and Sleeping Giants.

I really didn't enjoy Oryx and Crake much. Guess it's just not for me.

I am enjoying Sleeping Giants, though the interview store kind of irritates me.

The other book will hopefully help me deal with some stuff I've needed help dealing with.

Sure. I got Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder and Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem. Both books reference each other and tie together well, although they're by different authors.

I started reading this books called surviving a borderline parent. It is really helpful. Check it out! Surviving a Borderline Parent:... https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572243287?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

Even if she isn’t diagnosed she sounds exactly like someone with BPD.

I also started therapy but this book has been helpful to see that I’m not alone.

Of course!

Surviving a Borderline Parent

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Yes, this is very important, anonymousmustache. If your mother has borderline personality disorder, it is vital that you read about it, because your knowledge and understanding can help improve your interactions with your mother. It is also imperative for protecting yourself. When you can make it to a library (or maybe a school counselor's office? therapist?), I would check out something like Surviving a Borderline Parent.

Let me say right up front that this is colored through the lens of my own experience, so I am not necessarily unbiased here. :) OK, that out of the way, from the little we know, she sounds as though she flip flops on you. One moment she's OK and the next, pushing you away. She's tried therapy and treatment for depression which has been ineffective. She gets angry with you for no apparent reason, but refuses to tell you why. She acts like things are OK in front of others, yet when alone, she's a different person.

Man, if I weren't sure it's not, I'd say you were married my ex-wife. (I know she's not because the ages are wrong. That said, I went though exactly what you're describing for two decades. Why so long, you may ask? Well, she'd be great for a long time. Her grandmother lived with us for many years, which in retrospect made her behave more carefully.

All that aside, let me give you the end result. She was eventually diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I won't get into exactly what all that means, but I urge you to look into it. According to my own therapist, as well as the one we both went to fora while against her "better judgement", BPD is underdiagnosed and is commonly misdiagnosed as depression because the symptoms in common are all that tend to get reported.

One thing that makes it extremely difficult to treat, let alone live with, is their brain apparently literally makes memories up to suit, even moreso than normal. They will adamantly argue that you did X, despite X never having been done. They're also most often perceived by those not close to them as very normal and even likable. There are a number of theories on why that is, but it's very common.

I read a book on it a while ago, aimed more at children of BPD parents, but my therapist thought it was useful. I found it immensely so. I'll ask her for the name of it and edit in a link later.

Edit: Holy crap, she got back to my text fast! Must have caught her at a good time. Anyhow, the book is called Surviving a Borderline Parent. I found it quite helpful, personally.

Good luck, man. Feel free to PM me if you want.

I suggest:

http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287

http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/157224108X/ref=pd_sim_b_shvl_title_1/104-2767515-3307100

http://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/0765703319/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/104-2767515-3307100?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1191868828&sr=1-1

If you relate to BPD, chances are your parents have the symptoms too. Try this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287

https://www.google.com/search?q=borderline+parent&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8#q=borderline+parent&start=0

https://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287