Reddit Reddit reviews The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps

We found 24 Reddit comments about The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.

Healthy Relationships
The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps
Specialty Press FL
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24 Reddit comments about The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps:

u/BlueberryQuick · 9 pointsr/ADHD_partners

Most books and resources I've read about new diagnosis will encourage you to mourn the life you thought you'd have, the life you might have had, and the person you thought your partner was. This is an important part to moving onto the next phase of your lives together: Working through it and maintaining your new life together.

It is key though, that she realize how much work ahead there is (for both of you). My husband is diagnosed and medicated but hasn't started behavioral therapy yet so the meds have been upped and a lot of his actions haven't changed (because he doesn't yet have the tools to change them). That part has been frustrating for me, I do feel like I keep the household afloat and running smoothly because if I left him to do it, everything would be a forgotten shambles.

I encourage you to read this book and explore its website. They are helping so much to re-frame my thinking and behavior, and is giving me words to talk to my husband about his ADHD. My husband is slowly realizing how different our lives are and could be with his ADHD management, we're in the early stages of finding him the right therapy and he's on his third type of medication. The meds are helping but without therapy, they will just keep upping his meds when he gets used to them and nothing will change. This is key, the partner has to be willing to admit that medication has to be in conjunction with behavioral therapy for it to all work.

Edit: Also this website.

u/lazeedayzee · 9 pointsr/ADHD_partners

Hi there, my guy is medicated and in treatment but this dynamic is still around. We’re just starting reading this book. But the first chapter literally walks through your relationship and is really jarring with how accurate it is. When kids come around.... things are exponentially harder. But the point is to also build empathy, so it shows both sides. Good luck.

The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps

u/Buckaroo2 · 7 pointsr/ADHD

The ADHD Effect on Marriage is usually highly recommended.

I also recommend Married to Distraction.

Good luck on your marriage. My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years, and he wasn't diagnosed until 7-8 months ago. This is definitely not one of those things where your marriage will make it because you love each other so much. You have to work, and I mean seriously work your ass off for it. At least, that's been my experience. Don't be afraid to go to counseling, either. And when it comes to your fiance getting organized and trying to get things together, it has to be his own system. You can't create a system of organization for him. It has to come from his own head. I tried several different ways to help my husband get organized, and not a single one of them worked.

And one important aspect is that he needs to realize how important it is to you for him to try to get organized and stay on track. This is probably an unpopular opinion here, but ADHD is no excuse for not putting effort into working on things and/or not getting things done. You can't always be the one who picks up the slack and does too much. It will drive you crazy, and I can attest to that. Be very careful of the parent/child dynamic, because that is incredibly destructive to a relationship. If you notice this happening, it's best to get some counseling and nip it in the bud.

Sorry if this sounds so depressing, but it's something I wish I had known before getting married. ADHD can be a serious impediment to a marriage, and it's definitely not something to take lightly. You're already doing great by wanting to do your research and prepare yourself for what's to come!

u/XL-ent · 6 pointsr/ADHD


My wife and I are reading this book to each other right now and finding it very helpful. Basically, we misunderstand each other a lot.

Factoid, ADHD in a marriage doubles the chances of divorce, etc..

u/ambiguity_resolution · 6 pointsr/ADHD

I'm not really sure what I can offer in the way of advice as to how to approach him, but I can share a little from my point of view as a husband with ADHD. I apologize in advance if this gets a little wordy.

I am a stay-at-home father of two. My wife is a professional with a doctorate, so when we found out we were having our first child we discussed it and decided that it was important that one of us stay home to take care of her - and that person would be me. Being a stay-at-home parent presented a lot of challenges and I had a real hard time keeping up with everything that needed to be done.

To put this in perspective, I have always had problems with memory ("How on earth can you remember that thing from five years ago when you can't even remember our daughter's appointment was at 2:00?"), as well as a lifelong difficulty to maintain focus ("You're lazy! How come you're sitting in here playing video games, this house is a disaster!") I have always just slipped by in life, doing just enough not to get fired and barely performing in things that I have an expert level of knowledge in and should excel at.

So when we added the stress of a child on top of it and decided I would be the one to stay home and take care of her, it started a downward spiral that affected our home and our marriage. Another child came along two years later and suddenly everything was a mess. My wife couldn't deal with the stress of her job and having to make up for my inadequacies - constantly reminding me of important scheduled events, dealing with my temper when I took offense at her frustration with me, picking up the house when she got home from work because I was doing all I could just to take care of our kids. Divorce never came up, but we were really really unhappy with each other. There was no affection or intimacy between us at all, and we had been driven apart - merely existing to care for our two small children.

We were extremely unhappy, and I started to see some clues that I might be suffering from symptoms of ADHD, so I did a lot of reading and bought a few books (The ADHD Effect on Marriage is one that resonated with me in particular.) I started to accept that I might have ADHD, which was tough to wrap my head around - I had always believed ADHD was an invention by doctors to justify medicating kids who acted like kids, so believing this required me to really believe some things I had always dismissed as being not real.

My wife is my soulmate and the love of my life, and I had to accept that I was the one driving a wedge between us. So I made an appointment with a psychologist and forced myself to go. The visits were arduous, as I didn't like the doctor personally, but I had already invested myself in the process and needed to see it through. He evaluated me for about three months total, having me take tests and answer painful, difficult personal questions. He interviewed me with my wife in the room, forcing us to acknowledge each other's problems in civil language with the psychologist as an intermediary. Finally, he diagnosed me as having ADHD and Dysthemia (which I understood to mean a constant low-grade depression that never lifts.) He told me I could stick with him and do the head shrinker thing, or I could talk to another doctor who could prescribe drugs.

Instead I chose to do nothing. I was exhausted by the psychological process and the thought of having to speak to another doctor was too much for me, so I put it off. Knowing about the ADHD helped me acknowledge that I had a problem, so my wife and I used schedules and notes to aid me with my memory, and I did my best to focus and stay on top of tasks - things were slightly better, but it wasn't enough. Finally, I made an appointment with my GP (for the first time in my life, I have a regular doctor!), brought him my report from the head shrinker, and he painlessly prescribed some Adderall. I wish I hadn't waited so long!

The Adderall worked almost immediately. For the first time in my life my head was clear, I could focus on tasks and get things done. Sure, it wasn't motivation in a pill, but it attenuated the background noise in my head - the random 'thoughts' that distracted me so - and I could get stuff done. I immediately became calmer, much less prone to temper, and suddenly I was able to deal with all of my life's frustrations without my frantic anxiety. Compared to myself two months ago, I'm a fucking Zen master now. My wife and I are starting to rebuild our relationship, and some of the intimacy that I had missed for so long is slowly starting to trickle back in. We're not like we used to be, but we're way better than before and we seem to be healing a little more every week. The medication isn't perfect, and it does have drawbacks that I'm not very pleased with, but it is helping in what's most important right now. After I've had another month or two, I'll talk with the doc and see if there's anything we can change or adjust, but for right now I'm pleased that I can be a little more, I don't know, normal? Even if I don't feel quite like myself.

In retrospect, I wish I could have summoned the self-awareness and humility to do this years ago, instead of angrily denying there was ever anything wrong with me. Maybe I would have done better in school, or performed in my fields of expertise instead of just keeping my head above water, or even saved my beloved wife and companion of the last 12 years the pain and anguish of having to put up with my ridiculous behavior for so very long.

Edit: I'm 37, by the way. To give you an idea of how long I've been living in denial with this.

TL;DR: ADHD - Denied it, made life hell for everyone around me, finally accepted it, and now things are slowly getting better.

u/refrigagator · 3 pointsr/ADHD

This is the one i bought:

The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps

u/indigofireflies · 3 pointsr/ADHD

I easily could have wrote this about my relationship. It was amazing to read that someone else us going through the exact same thing I have been with my ADHD husband! It's still a work in progress for us but here's what's worked for us:

-marriage counseling: it took a while for my husband to even want a diagnosis and after 6 months, he still accepting it. He's still seeing how it effects me and our relationship and the counselor has really helped with that. When I have a problem that related to his ADHD (say being on his phone all the time) she walks him through how I feel when he's on his phone, walks me through why he seems addicted and helps us reach a compromise. Its also done wonders for getting him to accept his diagnosis and realize its not a flaw, its who he is.

-correct dosage: my husband is on adderall and started at the lowest dose. It definitely worked but there were still some problems with focus and motivation. Our counselor recommended changing his dose and getting an afternoon booster dose to slow the crash. His doctor agreed and its been a day and night change. With the lower dose he was helpful around the house but with the right dose, he will do things without being asked, he's emotionally supportive, and remembers what he says he will do.

-books: ADHD and the Marriage, Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD, and More Attention, Less Deficit have been immensely helpful.

-talking about his diagnosis: for a while, my husband hid his diagnosis from everyone except his parents and mine. It was ok but I was still seen as the controlling, nagging wife because I reminded him a million times to do X while we were visiting family (change in routine is difficult and throws him off). Eventually, he opened up a little to his siblings and my family, so they sort of understood why I act naggy when we visit. They don't completely get it and still fall into the "snap out of it and focus" camp but it's helped.

-routine: get on it and stay on it. Right now, my husband is asleep next to me. I can tell you with incredible accuracy that he will wake up, take his adderall, let the dogs out, shower, feed the dogs, and get coffee before his sits on the couch and plans his day. Its the routine and that's how it will stay. I know with a kid its a lot more difficult to have an established routine but even just a morning one will work wonders. Make things easy until he can get his head on straight in the morning.

-automate everything: auto coffee pot, auto bill pay, etc. Eliminate tasks that need to be done so no one has to worry about it. If it can't be automated, make it as easy as possible. Recently, we switched to registering our cars for 5 years. That way no one has to think about it every year.

I completely understand what you're going through. It can be tough dealing with an ADHD spouse. PM me if you ever need support or to vent or anything.

u/darthmetu · 3 pointsr/ADHD

Oh man, been there. Well, I am there, although maybe a little beyond where you are right now. You already know a lot of what needs to be done, but I wanted to point you to a book I am currently reading: "The ADHD Effect on Marriage". I'm only a partway into it but everything she has written in that book is spot on in my relationship. It's written for both the ADHD and non-ADHD partners as well, so it might help both of you.

u/piscessa2 · 3 pointsr/ADHD

Try this book - you should both read it. It's a bit scary how on point some of it is.

Written by a psychologist (I think) with an ADHD husband.

The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps

Good luck!

u/EvilBeaverFace · 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

It seems crazy to me as well. I guess having lived in the US and the UK has shed some light on that for me. It almost seems like there is a time gap between the countries for certain things. I would say its about 10 years wide. Pop culture in general kind of makes it over here very quickly but other things don't. Like smoking is much more prevalent here still. ADHD nay-sayers are just one of those things. Even today I read about people having trouble with their GPs (doctors) saying that ADHD isn't real but as a whole its getting better.

As far as my wife goes; I bought this book early on in our marriage, to try and explain my behavior. It never got read, and her being a nay-sayer probably contributed to why its taken me so long to go to a doctor about it. I don't really care what she thinks of it anymore, just that I am fixing myself. Despite that I think she has become a lot more perceptive of talk about ADHD even if she still doesn't fully believe in it. She can't tell my doctor what to think, so there's that lol.

u/ranman1124 · 2 pointsr/ADHD

Hello, I have ADHD-C and my wife found this book to be very helpful.

u/Minsc_and_Boo_ · 2 pointsr/relationships

ADHD guy here. Some of those things are characteristic of our condition, like forgetting to pay things and being terrible with finances and bureaucracy.

Unfortunately in our minds, a haze comes when we start trying to organize ourselves to get such things done.... you head fills with static out and becomes uncomfortable and we end up just saying "later".

You will hear this a lot from someone with ADHD: later.

Asking questions and not listening to the answer is also a staple of ADHD, but hearing them and flat out ignoring your desire has nothing to do with it. That's just being disrespectful.

As for medication, there are two sides to this: one, getting started on contacting a doctor, scheduling an appointment and following through is the equivalent of a marathon for us, so try not to take it personally. Second, ADHD medication is NOT mild and has some mean side effects.

You should really try to understand the condition better so you can separate what is ADHD and what is just him acting spoiled or disrespectful. As it stands now, it seems like you don't fully understand the condition. There are books out there to help you, and you'd do good in reading them.

The first thing you should do is get a couple and read them.

u/Hackrid · 2 pointsr/ADHD
u/TarnishedTeal · 2 pointsr/Marriage

I don't know about any books. All the books I've read on marriage are all ADHD specific, unfortunately. The ADHD Effect of Marriage is a personal favorite for that.

What i do know is that learning to live together is a process. My husband and I knew each other for 6 years before getting married, and lived for each other for about 6 months before tying the knot officially. It was still very hard. It seemed impossible for the first 6 months or so (our first 6 months living away from family). But in order for the situation to improve we both had to work hard, we both had to want to be all in on this.

Part of me is happy that she is sharing her doubts with you. But I'm also worried about having those doubts so early on. Have you sat down while you're calm and asked her how she's feeling about the transition? Were there specific things that happened at home before that aren't happening in her new place? A break in routine, or even putting the milk in the wrong place can be frustrating to somebody trying to adjust. Also sharing the load with chores can be jarring as well if one or both people lived with parents previously.

I agree with Lordica that it has to be you vs the issue. You guys vs the Dishes, rather than You vs Her And The Dishes. I use that example because it's something I still struggle with. My husband is responsible for them and sometimes I still get overly stressed that they aren't done (our dishwasher is broken!) Even if it's something as mundane and You Guys vs What To Eat For Dinner, small joint victories can really help the relationship and the partnership. Which, if I'm reading into your situation correctly, is the real issue.

I really hope somebody can come in here with some "normie" book advice for you. Like I said, our books are adhd centered, because it's an issue in our marriage, but it's generally a good book anyway. There are some great tips in there even if you don't have ADHD.

u/karacrystal · 2 pointsr/ADHD

My partner and I got the book ADHD Effect on Marriage. This is actually the book that led me to talk with my pdoc about a diagnosis. Anyways, we found this book helpful to understanding the effects of ADHD on our relationship and some steps that allow us to handle it better.

u/kyngnothing · 1 pointr/ADHD

When you find someone who's actually willing to work with you, and "believes" in the challenges you face, I've found: to be a very helpful book in understanding ADHD for the non-ADHD person in a relationship, and how it affects relationships for both of you...

u/throwaway_Rijriuv7 · 1 pointr/ADHD

Have you read The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps. I was working though it as I realized how much of an effect ADHD can have on most kinds of relationships: not just marriages, but other romantic relationships and friendships. Still got divorced, but I'm hoping I can learn not to repeat any of my uncorrected ADHD-induced shitty behavior in my next relationship, because it has the same effect on trust that saltwater corrosion has on bridges. The techniques I knew might have been good enough for school or work but they weren't working for someone who had to live with me. I'm flakey and my memory is garbage and I interrupt people but don't like being interrupted, so I made shared checklists and calendars and wrote stuff down and tried to switch to meds that made me less irritable and more able to follow a conversation.

u/BellaBanella · 1 pointr/ADHD

ADHDer here. My SO and I found this book extremely helpful for understanding each other's perspectives, among other things. Your perspective and the way you have been hurting is important, too. Your GF having ADHD doesn't make your feelings invalid. I used to tell my SO that it was unfair of him to be angry at me because I can't help but be the way that I am. It took a therapist telling me it wasn't fair to expect him not to have his own reactions for me to realize that truth. It's important to try to understand each other, and to try to move forward, but it's also important to let yourself feel what you feel. Just try not to get stuck in it....

u/zadhd · 1 pointr/ADHD

The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov has a lot of good material for both people in ADHD - non-ADHD relationships.

The book is a bit light on specific practical advice, but I think the book is really good for helping you see things from your partner's point of view, which is helpful in and of itself.

u/r_a_g_s · 1 pointr/ADHD

My wife and I have found this book useful. Give it a shot.

u/c00lioiglesias · 1 pointr/pregnant

So ummm I know it’s not ok to diagnose someone after hearing one thing about them over the internet but this sounds so much like the same issue I deal with in my marriage but in reverse—I have been the one not trustworthy and my husband couldn’t handle it. Our marriage took a real hit because he lost a lot of trust. Why? I have ADHD. One of the common things a person with ADHD does is totally forget things even when they have the very best intentions. If I’m right, he is doing his very best and is working his butt off to accomplish the things he does get done and feels like that alone is worth celebrating, which it is. I could be totally wrong but if I’m right it’s important for you both to know and work through accordingly. [This book](The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps really helped us gain insight and perspective. Good luck!

u/RogueFlounder · 1 pointr/ADHD

The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps