Reddit reviews The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

It seems like there's some pretty deep wounds there. If I had to hazard a guess, he was probably pretty emotionally manipulative, am I right? So here's the thing- People who are good at emotional manipulation will leave you feeling COMPLETELY GODDAMN INSANE. They create almost a feeling of addiction in the people they manipulate- it makes no sense and you can hate the shit out of it but it still works. They do this by using intermittent reinforcement with their approval and affection, and our brains pick this up like it's crack. In the absence of being able to predict what actions will bring reward, we almost panic, and end up behaving in ways that don't make sense to even ourselves. People like that can take totally normal, healthy people and make them feel like they're going insane.

Breathe. It's your brain responding the way brains naturally responds to intermittent reinforcement in intensely stressful situations. Your brain has created this link that he will provide approval and affection if you can only get the pattern right, and you're trying to get that dopamine hit from his affection and approval by any means you can think of. You're not broken, you're not fucked up in the head, your brain is doing one of the annoying little things that brains do sometimes and you will be okay without him. I know that's really hard to fathom, but think of it like this: your dopamine rush when you got affection and attention from him was so strong that your brain is almost literally treating him like an addiction. It's not love, your brain has been conditioned by his manipulation into a state of obsession. Intermittent reinforcement is the strongest reinforcement pattern, and lasts long after it feels like it "should" have ceased.

I think it might hit NT types even a little harder than other types, because our Fi is so intense but very difficult to express and explain, and we pride ourselves so strongly on our rationality. We often lock our feelings up because they can be so vicious and blistering, so when we let anyone in and we get that first hit of approval, our brain kind of loses its shit and knocks us sideways and sucks the air out of our lungs. Our brains are so pattern hungry that intermittent reinforcement is almost irresistible- we want to figure out the pattern, we feel like we've almost got it, if only we could put in the last piece.

So, if you're looking for a hint as to what the pattern is, it's control. It's not random. He will give you a breadcrumb as long as he wants to string you along, dropping one every time you start to distance yourself even a little. Learn about the cycle of abuse, especially narcissistic abuse, and you'll find the answer there. From breadcrumbs to freezing out to love bombing, it's a pattern designed to fuck with your brain and make you lose your emotional balance.

You will heal. It will feel better, but the only way out is through. Face your inner emotional damage, whatever you've got, and learn more about your own emotional processing- enough to understand how you tick and what sets off this kind of reaction in your brain. Keep talking to your therapist. Start reading books on emotional abuse patterns and on psychology, find your pattern there instead of in him.

You'll be okay. You know at some level you will be. Soldier through and work on your internal stuff and you'll get there, and will be better for it. Use your brain to beat your own brain on this.

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Edit: OP, look up Complex PTSD and see if it strikes a chord. A good book if you're looking for one for is The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, and resources for adult children of alcoholics would probably be pretty helpful. I would definitely recommend trauma therapy- it is probably your best bet for longer term healing, even if you do DBT first. EMDR may help, too, if you can find a therapist who works with it (many trauma therapists do). If you dissociate at all, try grounding techniques like this to get back to your more rational center. If anxiety is a big part of it for you, it's highly treatable with therapy focusing on tools and techniques to calm and ground yourself, and there are TONS of resources on the internet.

Your emotions may not make sense to you, but they aren't illogical, they exist to guide you and to give you information about the world. They may be out of proportion, but that's due to the thought processes you have and the story you're telling yourself. They're perfectly proportional to what your thoughts/self-talk are saying to you, so you have to adjust the internal dialogue to be more objective in order to make your emotions more useful and in proportion. Buddhism as a philosophy is great for helping with this, it's like the softer side of Stoicism with more focus on being kind and present. A good book on finding and correcting cognitive distortions (the self-talk that makes your emotions go nuts) is Feeling Good by David Burns (It's almost DBT lite).

I'm sorry to hear that her therapy caused her flashbacks that were so bad that she had to quit. I don't know how long ago that was, but could she be convinced to try again? There are a lot of therapists now who specialize in trauma, and they have a lot of good evidence that somatic treatments like EMDR are extremely effective for PTSD and Complex PTSD.

It's only very recently that anyone has had any idea how to treat PTSD, and treatment is improving all the time. Check out The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, it's an excellent overview of how PTSD and trauma affect the body, and the various treatment options.

She definitely needs a trauma therapist, though, especially since she's already had flashbacks. They will start the treatment with helping her grow her emotional resources so that the flashbacks won't overwhelm her. The whole idea is to take it at a manageable pace so it's not terrifying. As someone dealing with Complex PTSD, I can say that trauma therapy has been the hardest thing I've ever done, and also that it's only thing that could possibly help me live my life fully.

I'm sorry to hear that her health is failing. Her life is NOT over in her 60s, she still potentially has many years left, and it must be so hard to see her in despair like this. Hugs for you if you want them. <3

I was raped when I was 17 and it has cast a long shadow over my life & sexual development. I didn't disclose to anyone until I was 25 & I didn't seek professional help until I was 27. I did 12 weeks of closed-group therapy when I was 27 & then dropped it until this year. Both my husband & I are seeing the same psychologist (a specialist in sexual trauma) individually & together.

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I would highly recommend buying a copy of The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. He also has videos on YouTube. Sexual trauma is extremely complicated and cuts to the heart of human identity. Unfortunately trauma cannot be "cured." The work around trauma has a lot to do with identifying triggers & finding ways around & through them. It sounds like your girlfriend has identified some of her triggers and you are accommodating them in your sex life - that's great!

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A good way to open a conversation about this would be to say, "I have been thinking about what you said during sex and would like to know if something triggered you. We don't have to talk about it now, but I would like to at some point so we can make sure sex is enjoyable between us and for you to feel safe."

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I do wonder if she asked you to do something that was historically triggering for her (fast intercourse with a partner on top), because she feels safe with you and wanted to see if she could do it. I have tested the limits of my abilities to do certain things with partners as a way to gauge if I was "better" in the past. Something to consider!

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You are not overthinking this and you sound like a thoughtful partner. It can be hard to have a partner with sexual trauma and you may find yourself grieving the violence that your girlfriend experienced; this is something that has come up for my husband.

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Best wishes & DM me if you would like!

The mental health community is still doing a lot of work understanding the effects of trauma. The DSM V lists two subsets of PTSD: one for the very young, and one called the [dissociative type] (http://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/PTSD-overview/Dissociative_Subtype_of_PTSD.asp) that is more common in adult survivors of child abuse. The distinctions are only important to ensure you get the right treatment program.

If you want to read more about the current medical understanding of trauma, [Judith Herman] (https://www.amazon.com/Trauma-Recovery-Aftermath-Violence-Political/dp/0465087302) and [Bessel van der Kolk] (https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma-ebook/dp/B00G3L1C2K/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1466798803&sr=1-1&keywords=the+body+keeps+the+score+bessel+van+der+kolk) are the leading scholars.

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00G3L1C2K/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_N1asDbMHHPWFA

Read that, and decide if you want to saddle up for the long haul

no problem! I am glad I can help.

1. I really had no clue at all that my parents had kind of failed me as a child, which led to me struggling out in the real world, which led to my unhealthy coping mechanisms, which continued the cycle and kept me depressed and unhealthy. My parents had money and weren't violent, so I didn't think there could have been anything wrong with how I was raised. In reality, my parents had never shown an interest in my emotions, so I learned that emotions don't matter and I should keep it all to myself. Without a healthy emotional foundation, some traumatic events in my life affected me more and I had PTSD.
   
   
2. My therapist understood the symptoms of someone suffering from PTSD. PTSD is hugely misunderstood by most people, and I didn't know much about it myself. He suggested I research it and this book by Bessel van der Kolk explained exactly how stress affects and "trains" the brain. I found it extremely helpful. Bessel van der Kolk has also written many articles. Many people view depression or mental illness as a set of symptoms to treat with medicine or exercise or vitamins. My therapist helped me see it as my brain adapting to the environment I was raised in.
   
   
3. In retrospect, my therapist only asked good questions and suggested some things to research. I came to all my realizations by myself. The main benefit was that he was a professional with the experience to recognize my problem. Also, it got me out of the house once a week. He also convinced me to go to group therapy, so I got out of the house twice a week. When I started going to classes at the gym, I was occupied 4 evenings a week. That gave my life more structure than if I was just at home deciding what to do on my own.
   
   Better emotional health and better structures really helped. Just recently, I washed every dish in my house for the first time in maybe 2 years. I moved houses with dirty dishes. My sink was full of dishes and I was so embarrassed. It stressed me out every time I came home. I never cooked. We didn't talk about doing the dishes in therapy or anything, but just feeling better emotionally helped me find the motivation to finally wash my dishes.

There is proof in The Body Keeps the Score

This kind of mind-induced somatosensory pain when meditating is often associated with trauma. I've worked with similar issues myself, though what you're describing sounds markedly more pronounced than what I've worked with.

If you know yourself to be a trauma survivor, then I would suggest finding a teacher that has some kind of background in trauma-sensitive mindfulness, and ideally some kind of professional mental health background.

One book (that I have not read myself), but gets mentioned a lot in this context is Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness by David Treleavan.
Another one (that I've partially read) is The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van der Kolk. That last one is very informative but also difficult as many of the case studies that are described are pretty harrowing to listen to - just a warning.

I meet with a teacher twice per month, and much of what we do, besides meditation, and discussing practice, is essentially talk therapy. She also prescribes me a number of non-meditation exercises that are pretty standard in working with grief and trauma. I've found it very helpful and beneficial to my practice.

Incorporating some metta, or what Shinzen Young calls Nurture Positive would likely also be beneficial. If you can cultivate some practices that plain just make you feel good, that you can depend on as a resource, it can provide a sense of security that lets you navigate more painful sensations and associated memories/emotions/thoughts with a much needed felt sense of grounding.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00G3L1C2K/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1422077176&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70

One of the best I've ever read.

I wish my loved ones would have read the Body Keeps the Score and When Someone You Love Suffers from Post Traumatic Stress

I hope he gets back into therapy - finding good professionals is difficult. But therapy is only 1/4 the solution. A significant 1/4 you can provide is strong social support with unconditional love. He needs to a) know he is lovable and b) know he has a connection or a tether to his "reality"

If she keeps bringing up things from the past and shows stunted development, that is a good indication of childhood attachment trauma. Whether you think your family is awful or not, bringing up things from the past is a sign of early trauma.

And bpd is known to be caused by early attachment trauma.

So I would recommend she seek out trauma therapy with a qualified sensorimotor processing therapist. That therapy has helped my gf, who had a history of early abuse. Of course, her brother and sister think their family is just a-ok, thanks to the parents scapegoating her as the problem so that they didn't have to acknowledge to themselves what awful parents they were. And of course her brother and sister bought that scapegoating tactic hook, line, and sinker - because that's how dysfunctional families function.

I can tell you care about your sister, even though you don't see eye to eye with her. So I would suggest that if she ever becomes willing to recover from any attachment trauma (which does not have to be abuse, by the way - there are other types) then you can suggest to her sensorimotor processing therapy.

Here are some books you can read for more information:

https://www.amazon.com/Sensorimotor-Psychotherapy-Interventions-Interpersonal-Neurobiology-ebook/dp/B00D4WBUJQ/ref=mt_kindle?_encoding=UTF8&me=

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00G3L1C2K/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

For me personally, a lot of the reason infertility was and has been so difficult, is because of the emotional neglect I experienced as a child. While I had come a long, long way emotionally since I've been an adult, I still hadn't yet mastered how to process and deal with my emotions. In a way that sounds simple, but for me it wasn't at all obvious or easy to figure out, even though I had spent years trying to resolve various past traumas, thinking patterns, behaviors, etc.

Infertility, compounded with other issues, pushed me to the brink, and along with learning about new (to me) therapies and actually find a good therapist who I respect and trust, I was able to come to a turning point in how infertility was affecting me. For me it wasn't "just" the infertility, it was related to many areas and previous past traumas in my life. It was related to feeling completely alone and isolated as a child and teen, when I had zero emotional support or connection with my family. Deep down I feel as if I have no family. Based on my beliefs about what a parent should be, I have no parents.

It's amazing and wonderful to think that you can just create your own family, and give your children the things you were never given (emotional connection), but when that chance is taken away from you, you no longer have that opportunity to heal the past in the present, you no longer have the opportunity to have what you always wanted deep down: emotional intimacy, a (real) family, etc.

I don't know if any of that will resonate with you, but if you're interested, the way I made the most progress was by reading the books:

• Running On Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect
  
  
• Running On Empty No More: Transform Your Relationships With Your Partner, Your Parents, And Your Children
  
  
• Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love And Intimacy Alive In Committed Relationships
  
  
• The Body Keeps Score: Brain, Mind, And Body In The Healing Of Trauma

My wife is part way through EMDR and has had good results. The idea is your memory of event is recorded as trauma, which means you can not process it and integrate it into your life like a normal memory. So you end up re-experiencing it in your body like it is happening over and over. EMDR helps your brain begin to process the experience in a more normal way, so it integrates into your life and doesn't feel as overwhelming. It is exhausting though, plan on taking care of yourself.

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I recommend this book for more info: https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma-ebook/dp/B00G3L1C2K

For an overview of the history of trauma reasearch and current scientific findings in the field of trauma research, including: CPTSD, DTD (Developmental Trauma Disorder), ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) try “The Body Keeps Score.” https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma-ebook/dp/B00G3L1C2K

For a solid clinical perspective try: “Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence--From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror” https://www.amazon.com/Trauma-Recovery-Aftermath-Violence-Political-dp-B009DXOFC4/dp/B009DXOFC4/ref=mt_hardcover?_encoding=UTF8&me=&qid=

For reading about the trauma of cults, try “Shunned” https://www.amazon.com/Shunned-Survival-Guide-Bonnie-Zieman/dp/1983942375/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1541556834&sr=1-2&keywords=Shunned
And, check out the exjw and exmormon subreddits for personal accounts of religious/cult trauma

Sometimes you just gotta tune into your body. Your mind may have forgotten but your body always remembers. Listen to it and pay attention when you feel agitation, anxiety, fear...etc. in your body. That's usually a good indicator that your body is telling you something about a person or situation.

I would recommend "The body keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk.

https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma-ebook/dp/B00G3L1C2K

I am so sorry this happened to you. That was not okay in any way, not ever. I am angry for you. You were absolutely raped by the boy—you said no, he ignored it, that is not consent by any stretch of the imagination. It sounds like you disassociated which is very common in sexual abuse survivors. I believe you. I hear you. You are not crazy or wrong or any thing that anyone wants to gaslight you about. Though it’s hard to know for sure, the counsellors may have been grooming him and engaging in the more emotional version of sexual abuse. While this does not in any way deny what happened to you, if he was learning those behaviours from the counsellors he may have been repeating them with you, which is the vicious cycle of sex abuse; if is horrific and sad and I wish for it to end. It is awful. What happened to you is awful! Your anger is a good thing; your boundaries were violated, you were violated, you said no. You have every right to be outraged. This anger will help you reclaim your power in your journey toward healing. I see you, and you are not alone. You’re allowed to be here; you exist.

I’d recommend finding an EMDR therapist who specialises in trauma. It was the only thing that helped me heal. Also read the book The Body Keeps The Score and The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse ; they changed my life.

Consensually holds hand

Hi there, sorry to hear that things are not going well for you.


It seems like you went through a lot of stuff, and that you might have childhood trauma (losing a parent as a child is traumatic, and having a narcissistic parent also is). Have a look at r/CPTSD. It's a common thing to feel that life is meaningless for people who had trauma as a child. If you feel like trauma might explain some of the things you feel, I also recommend reading The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk.


If you have trauma, CBT is not very effective (I have trauma, and it didn't get to the root cause). Finding a trauma-informed therapist that you really trust would be a good idea.

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Hang in there, things can get better.

Hi and welcome if you’re new here.

You said you’ve been in therapy for 7 years I believe. I did a lot too and I was ok for some time until I saw a very triggering documentary in February. I think sometimes we just encounter something in life that opens our wound. And it takes time for a new scar to grow over it. Be kind to yourself and extra gentle while you’re in this period. Be patient with yourself.
Surround yourself if you can with empathetic people who value and support you.

I think talking about it in a safe place with safe people helps us cope. It takes away some of the stigma.

This will sound dumb, but try telling yourself some positive affirmations right before you fall asleep, and when you wake up. That can help disrupt the rumination soundtrack a lot of us have playing in our heads.
Rumination is damaging, and it reinforces trauma.

You were asking about books in an earlier comment thread. Lots of people have good things to say about this one although I haven’t read it yet. But it’s on my list.

The Body Keeps The Score

For males who might be reading, I’m finishing up this, and it’s been helpful Joining Forces: Empowering Male Survivors To Thrive

Well that's one for Kindle.

Amazon link.

A link to the book on amazon. The Body Keeps The Score to get a kindle sample or whatever.

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https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma-ebook/dp/B00G3L1C2K/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=the+body+keeps+the+score&qid=1550000415&s=gateway&sr=8-2

> Everybody has told me (including my therapist) that I just need to let it go. That it's in the past. And yet these sage-like elders of yore are somehow unable to give me any kind if advice on how to do that.

The past is present. That's the part that some people don't understand. These experiences don't go away until we've allowed ourselves to feel the emotions that have been buried and integrate those experiences back into our psyche.

Does your therapist do trauma work? It can be hard to resolve some of these deeper issues without someone with specialized training in working with childhood trauma. But many of us have healed. It is possible to do it. When you feel ready for it, maybe look into someone who does EMDR? Also The Body Keeps the Score is an excellent book if you want to read more about why "let it go" is so invalidating.

I'm proud of you for the work you've done and that you are in touch with yourself enough to know that there are specific things you want to work on. Hugs if you want them. <3

I can't recommend this book enough.

But, yes, trauma disrupts the way your brain functions. It takes time to recover, but recovery is absolutely possible.

In my experience, once you get yourself back to that headspace where you really, truly feel safe in the world and yourself again, the urge to create will return with force.

>u/active-mind

You mentioned that you went through trauma in your life that really affected your mental health. Therapy might not have worked that well because trauma-informed treatment is a new thing in psychiatry community and it is very complicated. The same time the most common advice that people tend to give "Do CBT" might actually backfire in many cases. So, when you go for a new therapist, do check out that they are not only solution/progress oriented but also trauma informed.

Here's few books that might help as well.

Body Keeps The Score - good overview on what trauma is and how it affects your mind & body. Lots of advices on what types of activities / treatments are available. One Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way -- the whole idea of Kaizen is very powerful for making changes. Kaizen is about doing very small things first before attempting big steps.

Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation

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All books are written by doctors / phds and deal more with a) explaining how brain / mind works; b) what can be done to suffer less / achieve goals. Yes, there's lots of brain stuff which can be challenging at first but it's based on real science, not anecdotes / opinions.

The book The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk was helpful to me when I was experiencing something that sounds kinda related.

He talks about how if, for whatever reason, a person’s body is lacking a visceral sense of safety they can potentially end up inhabiting states that are sort of dissociated from being completely present. He talks about ways that he’s found useful for folks to regain grounding in their own bodies, helping get back to the point where they feel ok “knowing what they know and feeling what they feel.”

If nothing else, it could potentially supply a more compassionate lens through which to view this sort of thing.

Hang in there. :)