Reddit reviews The Courage to Be Disliked: The Japanese Phenomenon That Shows You How to Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness

https://www.amazon.com/Courage-Be-Disliked-Phenomenon-Happiness/dp/1501197274

A bit awkward in its writing/translation like Marie's books, but it's worth it.

Edit: I just scrolled down to the product description on that page and the first thing it mentions (!): “Marie Kondo, but for your brain.” —HelloGiggles

A lot of playing with vocabulary here but its good advice overall.

Let's just ignore the vocabulary play...

Let's talk about how much self-indulgence we should take part in, because I feel like this is ignored by OP, or OP seems to imply that we should engage in zero self-indulgence..

I believe there is a necessary amount of self-indulgence to engage in. I have seen this time and time again with myself and others. We create an unrealistic goal and then fail miserably and do not try again for an extended period of time. By failing to be honest with ourselves about our limitations we set ourselves up for failure. We need realistic expectations that are aligned with our real values. We know that it is real if we can see it in our minds eye, we see the strategy, we know the action steps, and it's obtainable.

For example... I've been able to lose 35 lbs over a period of 1 year. I'm now 11% body fat. :-) I spent 6 years before that overweight/obese and I tried repeatedly during that time to diet. These repeated failures had times in between, extended periods, where I did not even try. I would create a plan for my diet that had rules like 'NO FAST FOOD' and 'DRINK WATER WITH FOOD' or had a strict plan laid out. These absolutes that do not allow for self-indulgence were setting myself up for failure. It wasn't until I created new strategies that integrated my favorite fast foods that I started seeing real success that I could build on.

This is especially true when trying to repair self-esteem. "I CANNOT xyz BECAUSE I am too mentally weak" is a classic inferiority complex (for love of god please read 'the courage to be disliked') that can only be fixed with realistic goal setting.

When do we know we are engaging in too much self-indulgence? I don't know... I was hoping that this thread would be about that. I believe the best way to calibrate our self-indulgence is with goal setting. Here are some ideas I have of signs that we are engaging in too much self-indulgence:

1. We are not making progress towards our goals.
   
   
2. We are self-indulging more than we did previously (use timescale of your goals, think longer term, there will be ups and downs and that is OK).
   
   
3. We are not making higher lows and higher highs in our progress towards our ideal self. This can be a combination of A) concrete, e.g. watching the peaks and valleys of your weight loss on a graphed chart over time, and B) a more spiritual, emotional process: a deep unsettling feeling that you have gone too far with your indulgence and 'this is wrong'.
   
   
4. We are achieving our goals without struggle and achieving every goal with ease (instead, we should be achieving at least 30% of our goals, which may be a high enough success rate is enough to drive continued effort, but we shouldn't be achieving every goal! Achieving every goal would be a sign they are too easy).
   
   What do ya'll think?

The Japanese book The Courage to be Disliked elaborates on that concept. I have found that book really helpful.

No problem. This is something I deal with too. A book that I have found helpful is The Courage to Be Disliked: The Japanese Phenomenon That Shows You How to Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness. It's about Adlerian Psychology which takes an antithetical position to freudian argument that you're defined by your past, rather you use your past to aid in a present goal. That's an over simplification, but the book is great.

Also I'm a big fan of stoicism and would also reccomend the Metitations by Marcus Aurelius. One relevant quote, "people are animals, either live with them or teach them."

Good luck!

I can relate, I have had similar experiences in my marriage. I think you have a good understanding of what is within your control and what is not. You are correct, you can't force her into a self-improvement path and unfortunately, you can't make her happy.

I do think there are some things you can do before making the decision to end the marriage. One of them is to make it clear that there are certain behaviors you are not going to accept. Can she be angry/sad/frustrated? Of course, totally acceptable. Can she abuse you and/or your kids as a coping mechanism? Not acceptable.

I'd recommend Wayne Levine's book as a good source of tools and examples for setting these boundaries. This book may also be informative. You'll notice Stoic themes across both.

Also, reflecting on how you go about applying Stoicism in your own life may help, especially to avoid "evangelizing". I have run into situations where I'm chatting with my wife about some problem she's having and I'd say "I have book X here that can show you what to do!" only to get a huff and an eye-roll back. I find it is more successful to empathize and listen, than to tell her how I would deal with the problem.

Focus on applying Stoicism yourself and on your actions, this situation will require you to remain calm when her temper flares, to remain respectful when you're been disrespected and to live according to your virtues.

Fortune permitting, you and your wife can agree on a path forward.

FWIW: I just recently finished (listened on Audible) the book "The Courage to be Disliked..." which is based on the psychology of Alfred Alder. I was completely unaware of Adler and his model of psychology but this book has literally blown my mind. I believe that this book can be invaluable to newly out Exmo's due to the way it addresses how to live one's own life authentically, how to set boundaries, how to be unconcerned or unaffected by what others may think of you, and what is freedom in life and how to achieve it.


Here are a few of the chapter titles that deeply impacted me that might give you an idea of the content of this book..Ch. 12: "All Problems are Interpersonal Relationship Problems", Ch. 25: "Do Not Live to Satisfy the Expectations of Others", Ch. 26: "How to Separate Tasks" (this is boundary setting), Ch. 27: "Discard other People's Tasks" (more boundary setting), Ch. 51: "The Courage to Be Normal" (acceptance of life and problems)

Found it. https://www.amazon.com/Courage-Be-Disliked-Phenomenon-Happiness/dp/1501197274 I didn’t like it that much but maybe you will.

What exactly is causing these depressive cycles? Addressing the symptoms and not the root cause is like running on a hamster wheel. You haven't given any hints but ill take a leap... Have you heard of the book, The courage to be disliked.

https://www.amazon.com/Courage-Be-Disliked-Phenomenon-Happiness/dp/1501197274

I've been beginning to be convinced that emotions like angers are tools used to move towards goals instead of something irrational that controls us. In that manner it may help you to reflect on why you would choose to be angry, which decisions, whether conscious or unconscious, lead you to believe that anger is the correct tool for this situation and then maybe trying to come up with and alternative way to go about those situations that seem to arouse your anger.

A good book to read that I've been recommending to just about everyone lately is "The Courage to Be Disliked" by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
The book talks about a lot of the difficulties we face in life and touches on things like anger. Hope this helps!

Just because one is unwillingly to implement a cure does not mean the cure is ineffective. Letting go is the answer. No, it’s not easy. No, no one is going to understand the pain you went through and are often coming from a place of ignorance. But the answer is still the same: nothing will ever make your trauma not trauma. Dwelling on it, arguing about it, wrestling with it... it’s all the same. The only thing you can do is to find the courage to let go in whatever way you can. A lot of bad years taught me that lesson.

If anyone is looking for a book to help them with this, I found “The Courage To Be Disliked” to be helpful. https://www.amazon.com/Courage-Be-Disliked-Phenomenon-Happiness/dp/1501197274