Reddit Reddit reviews The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self, Revised Edition

We found 36 Reddit comments about The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self, Revised Edition. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.

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The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self, Revised Edition
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36 Reddit comments about The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self, Revised Edition:

u/keenedge422 · 809 pointsr/gatekeeping


Alice Miller, "The Drama of the Gifted Child"

Ta-Nehisi Coates, "Between the World and Me"
>Everyone's a little bit racist

Simone De Beauvoir, "The Ethics of Ambiguity"
>Existentialist navelgazing

Albert Camus, "The Plague"
> More existentialism, but this time people die

Brene Brown, "Daring Greatly"
>What if being some sort of cuck soyboy was actually kinda badass?

Atul Gawande, "Being Mortal"
> Killing them softly, with his loving take on the role of modern medicine in death.

Ali Rivzi, "The Atheist Muslim"
>Being an edgy teenager, but on "difficult" mode

Muhammad Yunus, "A World of Three Zeroes"
>Zero Poverty, Zero Unemployment, and Zero Net Carbon Emissions... also zero sex scenes.

ETA: short, possibly misleading synopses by someone who hasn't read these books.

u/ManForReal · 36 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

You should be able to filter their messages to a folder whether you're on an iPhone or an Android.

Then texts go to 'their' folder automatically. You don't have to see them but can check the folder daily, every couple of days or weekly (whatever works for you) & skim msgs for craziness.

This is better than blocking them because it lets you monitor texts on your schedule & gives you a record if legal action becomes appropriate.

If FIL comes after y'all you may have to send them a No Contact letter (certified, return receipt) & call the police if he shows up at your front door & won't leave. You can call the cops without a letter but it provides the authorities more reason to keep them away.

Relax as much as you can. You're adults. They can't guilt you or DH if you don't care. If they try to interfere in your lives you can stop them. Keeping them out of your lives is less stressful than allowing their ugliness / crazy in. Especially with children.

Here's /u/madpiratebippy 's reading list, cut & pasted from a post with her comments:

  • Drama of the Gifted Child

    by Alice Miller. This was THE BOOK that started to set me free. It's a must read book for people with narc/abusive parents and their partners, in my opinion.

  • Toxic Parents

    is a classic about how to see the manipulative patterns from abusive parents and get free of them.

  • Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

    by Dr. George Simon. Man has a PhD in manipulation, and breaks down what the manipulators DO and how to shut it down. He's studied this for 20 years and it's AMAZING.

    Take a deep breath & share your experiences & questions here. You're not alone. Y'all can do this.

    EDIT: fixed link (thanks /u/Starkmoon)
u/[deleted] · 25 pointsr/WTF

I'm with you. My dad hit alot but the worst things were emotional. He used to stand over me hitting me, screaming that he owned me, that everything I had was his etc.

I'm now a mom to four kids and they have never been abused. I have spanked them a couple of times, but when I started therapy my therapist gave me this book to read, and I haven't since then. I'm not saying you should have kids, but you are in control of yourself. You're better. I hope you know that.

u/wanyekest99 · 23 pointsr/microdosing

I'm blown away by how LSD seems to be able to actually get down to the core of our issues. I had my first trip two days ago but I had the exact opposite outcome - I had a rather small dose (approx 75-80ug) but had a wonderful time. The "message" I got is that I worry too much about work, and life in general, and that just need to I relax and that everything is okay. However, my issue is that I work up to 60-80 hours a week 9-10 months of the year. Weed on the other hand made me feel pretty much worthless and made me even more anxious and self-critical and even less motivated to get out of bed. My absolute biggest fear about doing LSD was what if I would find out that I'm an asshole? How the hell do I cope with that? Fortunately this relatively small dose helped me to step outside myself just enough to realize that I'm a much more decent human being than I give myself credit for.

Now, I'm obviously not an expert, and I still haven't had time to fully reflect on the trip and integrate the things I experienced but now that I've dipped my toes in psychedelics for the first time I've begun understand a little bit how it works, and it's no miracle cure for sure (and I don't know if anybody has ever claimed that, but it's easy to get that impression from all of the experiences people share).

From the information and stories I've gathered from other people (and it seems to be true from my short experience too) is that it can bring you immense clarity, but I won't fix your problems. There's a very interesting podcast I listened to last night, where Neal Goldsmith talks about the importance of the work that comes after the trip. If you don't do anything with what you experienced during the trip, he argues, it can create even more damage.

If I were you in your shoes (I once was, so I can relate to your situation and how you feel), I'd start with digging a little bit deeper about your past and history and try to find out why you can't muster any will-power to worry about life.

Just to give you an example from my own life, I used to care about nothing except partying and music. I wanted to become a rockstar (hah!) and/or a nightclub owner, even though I had no idea of what it takes to get there. I wanted to become successful (whatever that meant at that time) without doing all the hard work. Basically all my dreams (mostly just empty shallow daydreams) revolved around the nightlife (this was from when I was 20 until I was 30). I had some part time jobs here and there, but nothing that could support me 100%. Fortunately, a few years ago I had a little bit of luck and got some freelancing gigs which just grew and blew up, and within 2-3 years I went from my parents paying my rent and being $20.000 in debt to driving a nice car and earning within the top 10% However, and this is the moral of the story, I'm absolutely not happier now than I was before. If anything, I'm more anxious and scared and I haven't really felt pure joy in years. And what I've learned about myself, mostly by reading books and meditating, is that everything in my life has been driven out of fear. 5-10 years ago I was doing nothing to get out of the bed because I was scared of the world and everything and everybody. Rejection in my world view has always been such a hard thing to cope with, that I'd rather not even try. Fast-forward 10 years and to anybody on the outside world I'm probably considered successful, but I feel nothing like that. I'm still struggling every dingle day with the exact same fears as I did back then, but they manifest in a different way. I now work 80 hours a week because I'm scared to turn down work. What if I turn down a project and they'll find somebody else? I haven't had a proper vacation in 3 years. Do you see the irony? I used the be scared to get out and look for work, now I'm scared to say no to work. It's not really a fun way to live.

If I were you, I'd take a break from drugs completely, and spend some time (a LOT of time) reading some books. Start with psychology and spice it up with some business (or whatever it is you want to do). You actually seem to have the luxury of time to be able to do that, so make use of it. Try to find out what fears inhibit you from going to where you want.

Here's a book that I'd recommend you starting with:

It's a relatively short read (less than 150 pages), and when I first picked it up, it spoke to me already in the first pages and gave me the motivation to start digging deeper within myself. I'm not sure if it's available on kindle, but I'm sure you can find it on PDF or audiobook if you know where to look. If not, let me know and I'll dig it up for you. If that book resonates with you I'd be happy to share some more with you.

Sorry for the long rant - I hope it helps. Good luck!

edit: Also, if you haven't already and you for whatever reason won't decide to stay off drugs for a while, at least read Fadiman's book on psychedelics before proceeding. There are lots of valuable information in there on how to conduct a safe practice:

u/Kellivision · 18 pointsr/infj

"I lived in a glass house into which my mother could look at any time. In a glass house, however, you cannot conceal anything without giving yourself away, except by hiding it under the ground. And then you cannot see it either."

The Drama of the Gifted Child

u/entropys_child · 10 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Yes. Read this

”When I used the word 'gifted' in the title, ... I simply meant all of us who have survived an abusive childhood thanks to an ability to adapt even to unspeakable cruelty by becoming numb…"

u/Krolokko · 5 pointsr/JordanPeterson

Np, unfortunately most therapists are not very educated about complex trauma, so I would advice you to do some research and see if you get along well before picking one (if you have the opportunity). Same guy has an article about finding a therapist, which could be helpful.

Yes, it's very validating seeing how your past and current problems are all interconnected. Makes you feel less of a freak. I'm posting some book recommendations in case you would like to know more. Just reading one of them will help you a long way in understanding why you are the way you are:

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker

The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller

Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors by Janina Fisher

u/xeoph · 4 pointsr/psychotherapy

The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self

u/Gu3rr1lla · 4 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Parents are responsible for their childrens behavior. This could be a blind spot preventing you from holding your own parents accountable. If you can't emotionally understand this you wont logically understand this following argument.

If a parent needs to get their children to do something or not to do something out of fear of punishment then it's not a relationship. It's dictatorship and you'll never get respect or compliance from your children when you act like you know what's best for them - and this is the reason why abuse escalates.

It's the parents responsibility to teach their children right and wrong by talking and listening to them, helping them understand, and ultimately modelling that behaviour themselves.

Before you have children, it's important to work on yourself because everything you experienced as a child from abusive parents thats lingering in your unconscious will come to the surface when you have your own children.

It seems you area already projecting some of this by thinking experimentation like smoking in the room or lying about homework is bad. Wouldn't it be better to foster a relationship where your children can you tell they tried a cigarette or don't want to do their homework? That way you can actually be involved in their lives.

If you raise your children correctly I wouldn't worry about most bad activities because you'll give them the skills to know better. The science shows that addictions, victim of bullying and peer pressure are all caused by child abuse and an unstable home. If you want to know more about this look up Gabor Mate (I have more resources).

Actually as children get older they become easier to parent when you raise them peacefully and being involved because you have built up a relationship.

Here are books I'd recommend:
Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby's Brain

The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self

The Truth Will Set You Free: Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self[2]

For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence[3]

Stefan Molyneux: Real-Time Relationships: The Logic of Love

On Truth: The Tyranny of Illusion

Between Parent and Child: The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication

Playful Parenting

Unconditional Parenting

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves

Parent Effectiveness Training

The Philosophical Baby: What Children's Minds Tell Us About Truth, Love, and the Meaning of Life

What's Going on in There? : How the Brain and Mind Develop in the First Five Years of Life

Becoming the Kind Father: A Son's Journey

Connection Parenting

u/RezFox · 3 pointsr/intj

I'm so sorry that happened to you. It sounds wildly abusive, and I hope you can look into talk therapy at a minimum. You may be suffering from a form of complex PTSD, but of course there's no way anyone can diagnose just based on one anonymous post and I am not a doctor. It may however benefit you to at least look into.


There is also this book that may help:


I hope it's ok to respond with these sorts of things - don't mean to force recommendations on you. Hope you're doing ok

u/tigerscomeatnight · 3 pointsr/psychology

Narcissistic Injury read some of Alice Miller's books are a good place to start.

u/lookaspacellama · 3 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

You might be interested in the book The Drama of the Gifted Child. Alice Miller is a psychologist who also had nparents, and she explains from her research that children of nparents often have extra reserves of sympathy and being sensitive, because they are trained to anticipate and fulfill their nparents' needs. A whole section is dedicated to the emptiness we feel once we realize that void it creates. (She explains it way better than I do.)

From what I remember, she doesn't go so far as to say that you are more likely to do the things that you list. I think we are more likely to have anxiety and depression as well as numb our feelings (since we didn't have a safe space to share them). But I'd be hesitant to just say it without any research to back it up. I know I'm only one person but I did really well in school, because it was a distraction and it fit into the 'golden child' persona that was expected of me.

u/glimmeringsea · 3 pointsr/Teachers

Building Trauma-Sensitive Schools: Your Guide to Creating Safe, Supportive Learning Environments for All Students by Jen Alexander

This presentation

The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller (This book is more about understanding the root of parental-related trauma and neglect. Worth a read but not necessarily what you're requesting.)

u/IrascibleOcelot · 2 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL


Drama of the Gifted Child

Why Does He Do That? (not limited to abusive males, btw)

As for taking her in? That should be a dealbreaker. She will absolutely force him to choose between you, overtly or covertly. She will make your life hell. You have to make that choice now; if he can't side with you, walk.

u/Burrito_Capital · 2 pointsr/dating

We can all struggle with that, so it is a normal thing to question our own value in my opinion. It's not normal in that situation to "realize" you are of "no value" and then trust that realization without reference... This is the equivalent of asking a dog about quantum theory and trusting the answer, but inside our heads this is what we in effect do. The emotional feeling of being worthless barks at our intellect, and our intellect interprets this as a truth, absurd when analyzed, so disregard it.

The Drama of the Gifted Child may be a good book to look at for you, interesting perspectives.

The moral emotions is an interesting read about why anger (or despair) can be so addicting and seem so "right" when it is happening.

The Happiness Hypothesis also by Jonathan Haidt is a great read about our emotions vs our intellect...

Tribe is a good read on finding where you fit, more related to soldiers and post combat, but apply it to your current situation and find your tribe.

Glad you are still with us, and no matter what you feel, you are not alone.

Edit: authors name from autocorrect purgatory...

u/navelstrangsharpa · 2 pointsr/Harmontown

Yes, I remember this! A guest was with him on stage and he complimented the guest by saying that was one of these exceptional few. I think it was called something like "The Gifted Child"

EDIT: I googled and it's The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. Do you think that's the one you were thinking of?

u/2000AMP · 2 pointsr/CPTSD

Another book by Alice Miller that I found really insightful, although maybe not targeted at PTSD: The Drama of the Gifted Child

Edit: I see that it is already in the list! :-)

u/delaware · 2 pointsr/simpleliving

Another unsolicited recommendation: anything by Alice Miller such as The Inner Drama of the Gifted Child (ignore the title - it's misleading). She was a pioneering post-ww2 psychotherapist and has a lot of really interesting observations about how the complex dynamics of childhood and their long term effects.

u/merrickhalp · 2 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

I can promise you that those emotions are in there somewhere. I felt the same way when I was in high school. They are dormant because they were at risk of being murdered. You might benefit from reading this book by Alice Miller. It can give you more information on the subject.

u/nikatosa · 2 pointsr/relationship_advice

Your point about problems children face being propagated as adults (many times onto their children) is explored in the book Drama Of The Gifted Child by Alice Miller.

BTW, you write some of the most coherent and thoughtful posts I've seen on Reddit.

Humans are odd things. Sometimes things don't click. There's a reason, but sometimes (most) we just don't live long enough to figure out why.

u/Wagnerian · 2 pointsr/funny

Everyone in this thread commenting like this needs to read Alice Miller's "Drama of the Gifted Child". It's not about what you might think the title implies: special/gifted children. Rather, it's a devastating book about parent/child narcissism. It is very relevant to this discussion, and everyone I have convinced to read it was bowled over by it. It will have you really questioning your assumptions and make you delve into your own shit.

u/fdc7719 · 2 pointsr/CPTSD

Another Alice Miller book I'd highly suggest is The Drama of the Gifted Child. It's not what you'd think based on the title. It's not about "gifted" children at all in the common/traditional sense.

Alice Miller is controversial in some circles. Of all of the psychology/mental health materials I've read in my life, her writings make a lot more sense than many of the others.

And I get the inherently evil thing. I have a temper raging under my skin sometimes that I just hold back. I'm not afraid of harming anyone physically, but I'd be putting napalm on the relationship between me and the other person. I don't get into yelling arguments with anyone because of this. If it gets to that point, I'm out.

u/sponge_cat · 2 pointsr/CPTSD

Pete Walker wrote one of the definitive books on CPTSD - From Surviving to Thriving, and talks at length in his articles and published works about his own CPTSD journey and recovery.

Therapists are human beings at the end of the day, bringing their own trauma, experiences, hurts, healing, etc. to the table. I've had mostly neutral-to-bad therapy experiences in my life, for many reasons - some were not trained enough, some were apathetic. Others were outright harmful/dismissive, and just wanted a soapbox to preach from. Fortunately, the trauma-therapist I've found recently has been worth the wait and perseverance to find "one of the good ones."

I think a lot of what you're expressing is for the most part true and valid - Alice Miller's Drama of the Gifted Child is really a book by a therapist about therapists, in a sense - and why there is a tendency for people who have experienced mental health issues (either personally or through friends/family) to be drawn to psychology/therapy.

u/Liquidrome · 2 pointsr/mdmatherapy

I can relate to those feelings from the past. I hope you're doing ok.

What helped me a lot is this book:

As I read through it, two years ago; that's when my emotions began to return. It was tough going, but with every page I began to empathise with myself, more and more. I felt a lot of anger, to begin with; but that was a relief eventually. Because behind the anger was the beautiful kid I'd lost.


And then, everything began to come back to me. Slowly and peacefully.

It's been a difficult, but wonderful, two years; remembering myself. Reading Alice Miller's books was just the start for me. But, at the beginning, I found reading her work just as powerful as the MDMA in unlocking my missing feelings.

Now I have my feelings back. And my self back.

Good luck :)

u/beatleboop · 1 pointr/raisedbynarcissists

Just a headsup - This is the 1980's/1990's version. There's a revised edition that takes into account current practices in psychology (2007ish). I'd recommend going for a paperback (many of the used editions are only $6 total), and it gives a much clearer understanding of the topic.

u/viborg · 1 pointr/IAmA

This, but take it with a grain of salt. She's discussing narcissism as a pathological condition limited to certain individuals but I feel like we all can exhibit those tendencies at some points. She is also working from a strict, almost Freudian, definition of narcissism.

u/Rapn3rd · 1 pointr/leaves

Awesome, let me(us) know how it goes for you! I began to notice results after about 1-2 weeks of doing it every other day. It's way harder to focus just on your breathing than you initially would think. Slowing down my brain, especially for anxiety, is a struggle worth pursuing! Just keep at it!

This book is a great read, and it talks about the process of how our parents bestow traits onto us, good and bad and how the "gifted" child is able to rise above the challenges, or "gifts" inherent within their upbringing.

It's easily one of the best books I've ever bought, it really helped put things into perspective for me, and while it doesn't focus on marijuana, it does talk a bit about substance abuse, and how the true path(s) to recovery stem from an honest and thoughtful engagement with your past.

There is the genetic side of inheritance, as well as the environmental side which you mentioned, as my Mother still frets for my saftey over the smallest threats. If something goes wrong, the first thing she does is overact to make sure I'm ok, and I'm 25 now, live on my own, and have graduated from college, at this point, it's ludicrous to treat me that way. If I say I don't feel well the script is generally, Are you going to throw up? Do you need X, Y or Z? And while the love is there, and I appreciate the sentiment, it's a negative way to engage with my feelings because it trains me to enter panic mode at the drop of a hat. In my head I go, omg am I going to throw up? Do I need any of those things, and I immediately feel worse. People who don't feel well don't need to be reminded of all the negative aspects of it, they need help creating a stable platform!!

I think the genetic inheritance and the environmental training compound with one another. This book helped me understand the dichotomous relationship of the Nature/Nature paradigm, the nature of my anxiety, and how all of that fits together. With meditation on top of growing up a bit, and reading this book, I've done a lot better with anxiety. It's now been over 4 months since I've had any sort of panic attacks or quantifiable anxiety, and I only stopped smoking 40 days ago. I think that training myself to not enter panic mode at the drop of a hat, and acknowledging that dynamic in the first place were crucial components for building more positive behaviors.

Good luck with the journey, it gets easier, and maybe just having a new book to read can help you keep your mind off of anxiety inducing thoughts!

u/throwaway9434323 · 1 pointr/CPTSD

Yes, suicidal tendencies did increase over time when confronting the C-PTSD, but this made me more reckless in taking on the challenges that came with confronting everything such as boarding an airplane and working for a multinational company. I did not care about life, so I took on the biggest challenges I could find in order to reprogram my brain. I can even hop on rollercoasters nowadays. That was how my suicidal tendencies worked in my favor.

Emotional flashbacks were truly horrible. I relived one when being yelled at, when being disagreed with, and many more, I was also triggered everyday, the entire day. What I did was reason my emotions at the time where I was in physical pain or something else that made me realize that I was in an emotional flashback, such as noticing sad emotions on a happy day. This is when I started to look for the triggers that caused this flashback, narrow them down, and find the appropriate cause (in the case of yelling, this was my primary caregiver blaming me for the death of my parents if I were not to behave perfectly). When narrowed down, I started to proof myself that this flashback belonged in the past and that in the present, I can take perfect care of people /that yell at me by telling them to lower their voice or tell them to get lost, whatever is appropriate.

About a week ago I went to visit Phantasialand, which is something I would have been unable to do before recovering from C-PTSD, and I hopped on the Talocan ( A year ago, I was being puked at by my ex as she drank too much, took good care of her and got dumped months after, whilst being blamed (and most importantly: taking the blame) for this incident, while all she did was participate in a crappy drinking contest in an attempt to proof herself. I felt guilty for her behavior for months in a row. I was unable to assert myself and I was even unable to reach out for help, I was in much too deep. I could not even ask for a day off because I was so horribly anxious and I could not ever imagine going to a theme park, let alone board such thing. But nowadays I can. To get back to emotional flashbacks: when I was in a water attraction I was getting water in my face. This would usually trigger me severely, because I was sensitive to touch due to obvious reasons. This time... I wasn't triggered. This was yet another confirmation that my C-PTSD is gone.

Also, on a final note, judging from your post this book might come in handy for you:

u/BreakYourBonds · 1 pointr/Jung

I identify with this a lot. There's always something to research, something to study, some distraction that makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something when I'm really just procrastinating.

The key is to just get started, I know that sounds like no advice at all, because the whole point is that you can't get started. 'I know what to do, so why don't I do it?' That whole thing. Easiest way to start getting past that:
Commit to 5 minutes of work, right when you think of something you should do.

"I need to work on this Excel model for work, but really I should go watch a Youtube video on the proper functions to use for it, that would help me get it done faster."

Commit to 5 minutes of just starting, tell yourself that afterward you will allow yourself to go watch the video. In my experience most of the resistance is anticipatory anxiety, and once you get started actually doing work you'll continue to do so.

I have spent years, like you, looking for some breakthrough, some event, to help "fix" this aspect of myself. Recently come to the conclusion that it is not an event, it is a process. A continual, constant, unyielding process.

Are you a middle child by chance? This is a very common occurrence in middle children.
I recommend this book regardless:

u/map_backwards · 1 pointr/CPTSD

Thank you :)

If you do check out CBD Oils, the guy at the shop mentioned they like to start people out with water-soluble stuff as it gets into the system at a quicker rate. I'm sure you'll find helpful people on your side, but just in case maybe look for that or do a little extra reading.


  • Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker This introduced two new trauma types into my vocab: Freeze & Fawn.

  • #DEALwithIT by John A. King I'm partially through this and only pausing to dig into The Body Keeps Score. I totally dig the author's writing style and utter frankness in relating his experiences. The book also includes excerpts from his now-wife so it gives a great perspective from her position as well.

  • The Body Keeps Score - already mentioned this one :)

  • The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self by Alice Miller Haven't started this one just yet, but looks like a quick read.

    As far as mindfulness is concerned, I love the paid-app Buddhify - it has a variety of guided meditations for various situations and also includes options for non-guided. I do frequent mental scans of my body to make sure I'm not in what has been my default tense or armored state which I typically find I am - ugh. And then I've added mobility stretching with ROMwod. When I did crossfit that was something I was introduced to and now that I realize "relaxing into position" is actually a real thing, I love doing it.

    I don't want to overload another comment, but I'm totally happy to chat more or even offer myself as a reddit-support person if wanted. :)
u/Sete_Sois · 1 pointr/AskMen

There's a book called The Drama of the Gifted CHild by Alice Miller

Very short book. NOT a self-help book. It's a really insightful look into the author's own troubled childhood. It offered me a tremendous amount insight into my self. Hopefully the book might help you as well.

u/dejoblue · 1 pointr/intj

Baa, baa, black sheep. Don't bleach your wool or join the wolves like others posting in this thread are suggesting.

Instead, realize that you are a shepherd.

I don't have an answer for you. I am as broken as any other such person in your predicament. However, I have found solace in understanding.

To that end, in this very subreddit a couple of days ago there was a decent discussion on this topic: Existential Depression in Gifted Children and Adults

As well, these resources have helped me understand my childhood and how to cope as an adult. I hope they serve you well.