Reddit reviews The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book)
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The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book)"Happiness is a choice, and so is suffering."
There are plenty of good things out there, I have each of these items bookmarked on my laptop (minus the books, which I already own). These 10 links have impacted me the most to go out there and get what I deserve. Because the truth is, stepping into this game you are going to be tested and have your fair share of failure/success.
It's not so much what you do, wear, or act that will determine your success, it's how solid you are on the inside so you can take what comes your way and not even flinch.
Enjoy!
1. Reddit post - "Not giving a fuck" by Mesonoxian : The title explains itself.
2. Article - Top 5 regrets people have on their death bed : Avoid these regrets while you still can!
3. Article - 30 things to stop doing to yourself : Print this out and tape it somewhere now!
4. Article - Top 10 mistakes men make with women : We've all done them, now learn how to stop.
5. Video - Eulogy of Bobby Kennedy as spoken by Ted Kennedy : This speech is true inner game.
6. Video - Powerful Inspirational true story...Don't give up! : Finish what you start, like this man.
7. Video - How Bad Do You Want It? (football) : Makes me want to move mountains every time!
8. Video - How Bad do you want it? (boxing) : This defines passion.
9. Book - The Four Agreements : Want to live stress-free? This book is how you can.
10. Book - Bang! : Slow start but an essential read for rock-solid inner game.
This is from a series of books by Carlos Castaneda and you can find the books here
Well worth the read. Start with "The Teachings of Don Juan"
Edit: Since i know im going to hear "no it isnt...it has its own book" there is a book called "The Four Agreements" but the author readily admits that the teachings come from the late Carlos Castaneda.
read this book
It is called "The Four Agreements"
One of the agreeements is - Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you.What others say and do is a projection of their own dream.
We take things personally when we agree with what others have said.
When we do not agree, the things that others say cannot affect us emotionally.
When we do not care about what others think about us, their words or behavior cannot affect us.
I have a lot of experience with men because of my age - some men just say the stupidest things, but it has nothing to do with you!!! It took me forever to learn this!!
You are being cast in a movie - You are being cast the way you are right? Did they tell you to get a trainer? Or has he? Exactly.
He is used to yoga teacher bodies. But he is with you.....Who is this about....?
Normally i go for latina girls with big boobs and no tattoos.....and again....who the fuck cares??? LOL
It is so freeing to not let these people rent space in my head.
Be free.
The Four Agreements are as follows:
They are from a very short book by Don Miguel Ruiz, and it's definitely worth a read.
Hey OP, ive been where you are before...I was 125 lbs at 6'1 and fucking hated everything about myself...and the worst part was I let other people's wondering eyes or opinions take over my mind. The good news is you can overcome it.
I had a therapist I saw only 4 times, but in those visits we got to the root of the problem. She recommended a great book that, although I didn't completely agree with it absolutely helped re shape my mind and have the confidence to do whatever I want. Now I'm 6'1 at 170 and working on going for 190 (3 years of work...slow and steady)
The book is called "the four agreements"
Here is a link to the book on amazon
here is a free PDF of the book I found for you too
Feel free to message me if you want op. Good luck to you
Do you know about "The Four Agreements"? It's a book, you can check it out here: https://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1484156129&sr=1-1&keywords=four+truths
Anyway, the first agreement is that no one ever does anything because of you. People only ever do anything for themselves. Even if it is a "selfless" gesture, it is still made only because the giver wants to or it has some other benefit for them. Acknowledge this truth with TT and FIL. Maybe buy the book for DH.
I used to think in the same way that you're suggesting. That's why I was agnostic for awhile. However, I started thinking that if you're going to see God as just energy or some mystic force, then thats what it is: energy. Based on history, historical texts, and different fields of science, I don't think humans have ever encountered God, probably just got really high and experimented with drugs when it comes down to it. As long as you look to a higher power to send love to all corners of your life and the universe, then go right ahead. I recently just read The Four Agreements, by Dan Miguel Ruiz, and he describes "The Creator" basically as the source of all love, and that love emanates through all things living or not. Everyone interested should read! I'm pretty sure I found out about it through this sub too! Very wholesome and dank.
Someone suggested I read the book The Four Agreements (not affiliate link) and it completely changed the way I look at things. It's a very "simple" set of agreements you make with yourself that will improve your life.
In short:
Check out summaries on Google Images
Yes. Not just for this girl, but because you'll need to ask for what you want in life. Whether prom works out or not, you might as well start getting in the habit.
For this instance in particular, keep in mind -- prom is (ideally) about having fun. If you make it mean something more than that, she'll feel that pressure. The pressure of you wanting her to say yes, you wanting her to like you, you wanting her to be your girlfriend, etc.
Not that those are bad things to want, but they put pressure on the other person, and that can be uncomfortable if they're not yet ready to accept that.
On the other hand, if you invite her and she gets the feeling that it's going to be fun, she won't have to worry about breaking your heart if she says no, or that prom itself is going to be this huge, stressful situation (because so much is riding on it for you) it'll be much easier for her to say yes.
In that scenario, she only has to be responsible for herself -- she doesn't have to worry about you, and that's an attractive quality. Someone who's going to enjoy himself no matter what. No pressure.
Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. That advice that'll serve you well throughout your life.
Recommended reading:
Meditation is also good for getting in a good frame of mind and not freaking out. I recommend the Headspace app for that.
Good luck!
Absolutely! There are 4!
>The Four Agreements are:
>#1. Be Impeccable with your Word:
>Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.
>#2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
>Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
>#3. Don’t Make Assumptions
>Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
>#4. Always Do Your Best
>Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
You can also buy the book for elaboration on the four agreements. It's a really great read.
This book.
https://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319
Thoreau: Walden, although non-fiction, may be the closest.
Ram Dass: How Can I Help, also non-fiction, has stories that are perhaps what you are looking for.
Ken Wilber One Taste. Wilber's meditative "journal" for a year. It's one of my 5 top books ever.
Ken Wilber: Grace and Grit. "Here is a deeply moving account of a couple's struggle with cancer and their journey to spiritual healing."
In another area are Carlos Castenedas books, which came out as non-fiction but there have been arguments they are fiction, and I don't know or mind either way. They are based on shamanistic drug use, but I believe it all is possible without drugs.
The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge
I have not read (Lila) Kate Wheeler's works, but I have heard of them. I've not read them mostly because if I can't get them at the library, I am too cheap to buy them.
Not Where I Started From
Nixon Under the Bodhi Tree is a collection of works and the authors there might lead you to more of their works.
I did read Bangkok Tatoo which has some Buddhist meditation themes in it, but it wasn't really to my liking.
The Four Agreements is said to be like Carlos Casteneda's books, but I have not read it.
Bottom line, I've read a lot, and I can't find any matches in my memory for Herman Hesse's Siddhartha. If I think of any I'll add it as an edit.
If you find anything interesting, please pm me, no matter how far in the future it is!
---
Edit: as per the reply below, I've added here if anyone has "saved" this post:
I thought of two more, these actually should be higher on my earlier list:
The Life of Milarepa : "The Life of Milarepa is the most beloved story of the Tibetan people amd one of the greatest source books for the contemplative life in all world literature. This biography, a true folk tale from a culture now in crisis, can be read on several levels.... "
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance which was the start of all books titled, "Zen and the Art of ____." "One of the most important and influential books written in the past half-century, Robert M. Pirsig's Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance is a powerful, moving, and penetrating examination of how we live . . . and a breathtaking meditation on how to live better."
I wouldn't call it forgiveness per say, but I try to work on not taking it personally. This book is a little hokey, but it was super helpful for me. One thing that helps: Remembering that everyone creates their own reality in their heads and acts based on that own reality. So, she does this stuff because the "facts" of the world she lives in are very different than the one you live in.
That doesn't mean you have to forgive her. That doesn't mean you have to trust her. And that certainly doesn't mean she gets to do whatever TF she wants just because it's "how she is." It means you can look at her, smile and shake your head sadly, and say, "No thank you, MIL." You don't have to be angry, but you also don't have to let her get away with anything. Enforce your boundaries calmly and confidently.
Obviously this is hard AF. I'm still working on it. I still have angry days. But it's way better than being angry all the time. Love to you. <3
They are from the book, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz.
The Four Agreements by Don Ruiz
from your description it sounds like the two of you are working well together in a health way with open communications, recognize that and give yourself a ton of positive recognition and credit!!!
Have you considered, metaphorically, that by focusing on the dominant aspects you might be treating a symptom and not the disease?
Your post can be interpreted as you having a better relationship with your partner than you do with yourself. Are you taking steps to develop a better relationship with yourself?
I have some elements of similarity in my personal history as it seems you have. In my journey I discovered they were impacting how I lived my life, how I related to others, and how they impacted my intimate relationships. In working on developing a healthier relationship with myself, I have open up having healthier relationships with others, especially intimate partners that include approaches to being the authority figure in my most intimate relationships.
If you enjoy reading I’d suggest considering “Your Erroneous Zones” and either “The Four Agreements” or, as some reviews say to read if you haven’t read The Four Agreements, “The Fifth Agreementt”.
These may help you be a better you for your children, your partner, and yourself.
Good luck in your journey!!
http://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319
you may find this interesting
Man, I almost had a flashback panic attack just reading this. It sounds EXACTLY how my life used to be with my SD for years and years.
Like you, my SD loved me at first and we had good times. Eventually her mom started telling her lies to get her to hate me, I guess out of jealousy? And whenever my SD got in trouble from her mom for something that happened at our house, she'd blame it on me-- like, she shaved her legs without her mom's permission and her mom freaked out at her and SD said she only did it because I said her legs were ugly and hairy. OF COURSE I would never say that! Ugh. But the fact that biomom believed I would says a lot about biomom I guess. And the fact that SD so cheerfully threw me under the bus on a regular basis says a lot about her, too.
Anyway, like you I just kept smiling. Tried talking to biomom like you did-- had no luck with it, like you didn't. Then biomom & SD moved away and SD started getting really sulky with us about traveling back for visitation, calls us "selfish" for wanting the visitation enforced (instead of letting her hang out with her friends), treats us like crap because we aren't buying her the latest ipads and cell phones or whatever.
>I feel terrible but I don't hardly want her to come this summer because I am so hurt by the things she says and does to us.
Yep! I'm feeling this way myself right now, just braced for summer. On the one hand, I understand logically that she is a kid who's been brainwashed by her mom and nothing I can or will do will ever change that. But emotionally, it's so hard to have her under our roof when she so clearly thinks we're beneath her and doesn't consider us her 'real' family, just some irritating obligation.
>I'm tired of being called names, I'm tired of being treated like shit, I'm tired of us being taken advantage of, I'm tired of parts of my life having to be put on hold because of my SD, I'm tired of having panic attacks whenever his phone makes a noise, and I'm mostly tired of feeling like a guest and being scared to live in my own home whenever she is here!! I'm just tired.
This just makes me cry for you. I know exactly, exactly how you feel. So here's my advice:
LET IT GO. You can't change what biomom thinks of you. You can't change how SD reacts, how she treats you or the fights between the ex and your husband. It is what it is. I know that may not sound helpful, but I find that most stress comes from fighting something because you think there's a solution. Only sometimes, there is no solution. This is one of those times. Keep smiling and do your best, and whether or not that's good enough for your SD, it has to be good enough for you.
What you can do: Set boundaries. If the ex's calls always mean a huge fight, ask your husband to only take them when you're not around. Or when he's out of the house. This will require him to set boundaries too. If he won't do that for you, then YOU leave the house for a couple hours. YOU take yourself out of the equation and let him handle it. You dont' need to be around that shit. It's HIS ex.
And as far as your SD goes, don't take it personally. She's a mixed up kid in a fucked up situation. At this point, you just need to weather the storm until she's old enough to look back on this time with more perspective to realize how messed up her mom is and how you guys were always there for her with no judgement. At least, that's what I tell myself. Works pretty well, definitely better than panic attacks and wanting to go run and cry in my room at the disaster my attempted family turned into.
And finally-- find something that's just for you. Put your energies elsewhere, someplace that rejuvenates you instead of drains you. Art classes, yoga, gardening, join a book club, whatever floats your boat. Just SOMETHING that you can focus on that is not your SD or your husband or his ex. You need to build a full and vibrant life that SD is only a part of, instead of building an entire life around her, if that makes sense. Oh, and definitely continue counseling.
Sorry for the crazy long post. I just know exactly where you are because I was there myself, and I could kick myself for dwelling in that horrible place for such a stupidly long time.
Books that might help: The Enlightened Stepmother, a slightly more realistic view of being a stepmom for circumstances like yours and mine, I thought, compared to other stepmom books. And The Four Agreements, a book to help you with letting go.
TL;DR You can't argue with crazy, but you can make yourself crazy by trying.
It's $5 used on amazon.
Welcome back to your Free Mind. It was taken from you shortly after birth, but you were born atheist, and the people around you convinced you otherwise.
You’re now in a position to read and appreciate The Four Agreements.
The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book)
I found & read the book The Four Agreements.
I found it quite profound, and have already had some success with it helping me to grow away from all this anger and resentment, which has also helped our interactions somewhat.
I've also come to the realization that I need to tell her that I am releasing her from the burden of making me happy. So, sometime this week, I'm going to let her know that she is no longer responsible at all for my happiness. Hopefully, she'll take advantage of that to work on herself and thus improve our relationship.
It doesn't seem like much, but it's just one step of a hundred or more. Worse case, it makes it easier for me to implement my deadline and being able to walk away without any second guessing.
Another good book that talks about this is The Four Agreements
One of the agreements is to accept that "Nothing is personal: No matter what anyone says or does to you... Nothing is personal. All of it is a reflection of their internal struggle and has very little to do with you as a person."
I find this helpful to consider when the opinions of others gets you down.
My answer to this question is the same answer Richard Feynman gave when asked whether anyone could be a physicist. More or less. These things are not perfectly analogous, but the end result is true: Yes, anyone can learn to be a magician, barring some sort of severe mental disability or whatever. No one is "born into it" in any real sense other than -- we are all, when born, attuned to the state of our greatest power. The cultures and mores we absorb, the environment and our surrounding circumstances, modulate this state, almost always in a derelict way.
Most of the work you will do to achieve your natural magickal abilities consists in unlearning concepts. I think that the writings of Don Maguel Ruiz would be worth looking into with respect to this subject, although I would also recommend what I do for generally beginning in the occult, esoteric, and magick: the Kybalion, the Bhagavad Gita, and my personal niché favorite: Egregores: The Occult Entities That Watch Over Human Destiny by Mark Stavish. These works internalized into true understanding will be sufficient for any reasonably intelligent person to become a master of their own mind.
OYS #13
MRP journey is 7 months now.
Stats: 36 yo, 6’0, 152lbs (+0.0lb), 12.0% BF, married 3, together 6, kids 2 & 12 (12yo mine from previous marriage)
Lifts : SL5x5: 215Q (265 2-rep max) / 235DL / 70 OHP / 165 BR / 130BP
My Mission?
Become the best version of who I am. Be an engaged father, a strong male role model to my son & daughter, and lead my family to where we are going. Be the oak. *NEW MISSION ADDED* - Be a man that other men look up to.
Why am I here?
I’ve accepted a new mission to undo the shit I’ve done with honest effort. My family has been held hostage by my wife’s emotions. I have allowed all of this to happen.
Reading: Moving beyond TRP/MRP knowledge
NMMNG x3, MMSLP x2, Pook, SGM, Rationale Male, TWOTSM x6, 48 Laws of Power – 60% done
I spent most of last week in very serious meetings for work and traveling. Didn’t have a lot of time to do some reading, but I think I need to continue to go beyond the sidebar. The Four Agreements somehow made it to the top of my list which is a little more spiritual than MRP/TRP sidebar material.
Physical & Lifting: OK
Lifted 3x this week heavy lifting, but then got sick and couldn’t finish my normal 4x routine. I did get the heavy lifts in which helped I think with my sickness.
Family: Things are starting to gel. Improvement!
Things appear to be remarkably better in just a week’s time and the needle is trying to move with both my wife and son. Most of the reason is that I managed to finally pass a main event. Read further in the relationship section for details on why the family is starting to gel, but this has been great progress.
As part of my vision for the future, I suggested about a week ago that we needed to get some blended family counseling. I’m aware of the pitfalls of marriage counseling and would never do it – but our family is a blended family and my wife has an extremely hard time dealing with my son since we cannot logistically move from the area we live in away from his biomom. I would be open to moving in about 6 years when he’s out of high school, but until then I have made the commitment to stay in this area. This causes my wife problems because she feels tied to the area for various reasons and non-reasons which causes problems. Add on top of that my son is a big Mr. Nice Guy and Momma’s boy to his biomom and you have a recipe where my wife has such great disdain for him.
My wife brought up blended family counseling to help deal with her problems with him after the main event. That was a good sign. I would also welcome books on dealing with blended families if anyone has suggestions.
My son also got in-school-suspension this week. First time he’s ever been in trouble. He made a funny yet snowflake sensitive comment to his buddies at school and it was overheard by the teacher. I thought it was kind of funny myself but didn’t let him see that. I had a long talk with him and didn’t punish him more but asked what he was going to do about it. We had a good bonding moment. He’s starting to come out of his shell more watching his father get strong in both the gym and outside of it. I’m pleased my son got in trouble! :fistbump:
Relationship: Main Event? Meet your challenger: the new HornsOfApathy
In my last OYS I wrote of how I was returning from a work trip that day to the main event. I will do a FR on this when I can gather my thoughts more but it basically went down like this:
The night before I was denied sex for the 3x in a row. That was unusual. I have managed to eliminate ALL butthurt now from rejections, and I could sense a shit test coming soon. I had no idea this would be the main event. I left Monday around 5am for a 2 night work trip.
Everything was fine until Tuesday. I called to check in on my wife around lunch since both her and the toddler were sick and could hear rushing and panic in her voice. I let her go and said goodbye – and moments later I got a text that said she was leaving me. The text read that she would be leaving before I got home, taking the toddler, leaving the dogs, told me to flush the fish, rings were on my nightstand, she wanted nothing in the house and she’d be bringing back my car soon.
My hamster went into overdrive but somehow I defeated it and I didn’t respond. Seven hours later I got a shit test about the garbage. Didn’t respond. Queue up 9:30pm and I get another shit test about being out at bars and her having no idea where I was when I traveled (mind you: I quit drinking all together about 3 months ago after a 4 beer a night habit and many work trip binge drinking). My hamster was flipping circles and then suddenly…. It stopped. I began to process that this was the main event and it was a battle that she wanted me to win.
From 10pm-12pm I got no less than 20 phone calls. Texts all in between them begging for me to call her, she was having a panic attack, and she begged me to call texting “I’m not mad!!!”. I realized that she was falling into my frame. I went to bed and slept very well and did not call.
I awoke and started my day as normal and got a text that she was going to call my job if I didn’t let her know I was OK (yeah right!). My DNGAF was turned up to an 11 and I went to get into the shower where I got 3 more phone calls. I realized that the first wave of the main event had passed and was now into comfort testing. I called her – she cried and was relieved – I asked her if she was alright (comfort) – she said she was worried sick about me and cried all night. I told her that I would see her that evening. Two minute phone conversation. She sounded embarrassed and said goodbye.
Finished work trip, got home with a HUGE smile on my face and cheery mood, she was anxious. She had her rings on. Put the kid to bed, she asked to talk. I said that was fine, but let’s go into another room to talk. There, she explained to me that there was one thing that stuck out in her mind that I’ve said to her before: “You need to be vulnerable.” She opened up to me finally (she never overtly talks about her feelings, ever) and she explained exactly what ACTUALLY happened to us: I became a drunk captain. She lost all trust in me. Now I was the best captain on the sea, she wanted to be with me, but found it so hard to trust me again and be vulnerable. And that was really hard.
Continued in comments below....
Sure there are. But probably with a different name.
Zen Shorts are one. It's a series of books with short Zen stories and illustrations for kids:
https://www.amazon.com/Zen-Shorts-Caldecott-Honor-Book/dp/0439339111/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1486130149&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=zen+shorts
Have You Filled a Bucket Today:
https://www.amazon.com/Have-Filled-Bucket-Today-Bucketfilling/dp/099609993X/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1486129860&amp;sr=1-3&amp;keywords=fill+a+bucket
lets kids know that it feels bad to others to bully, but that you can "fill others' buckets" by giving compliments and saying nice things.
Heck, most kids can even understand The 4 Agreements: https://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1486130060&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=the+4+agreements
I'm sure there are quite a few others, but they are not coming to mind right now.
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
>Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
don Miguel Ruiz wrote an amazing book (its a small book,) called "The Four Agreements" which provides four very simple guidelines for living a grounded, rational, responsible life. The one mentioned above helped me tremendously with my own mother who can be very cruel with her words. For years I let her hurt me, but it was actually her that was suffering. The idea that she said things because of the way she views her reality and not because I was a bad person hit me like a thunderbolt. It changed me, it changed my thinking. There is more to the book, and more to this idea, so I highly recommend it to anyone dealing with doubt, communication, self of self and awareness.
It's good that you're able to stop yourself. It shows self control. Is there anything else you can do to help when you're pissed? I ride a motorcycle myself. That's my thing. Or sometimes kick back and beat some ass in COD. Also, I recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/The-Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal/dp/1878424319 . Buy this book and try to read it. It's helped me in my day to day life and I'm working to to apply it on a daily basis. It's about 7 dollars. Worth a try and no shame in doing it.
https://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319
I started reading THIS last night. Havent read anything in quite some time so looking forward to getting into it more :)
Read The Four Agreements and learn how it's not about you, even when it's about you...
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1878424319/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1474686287&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=SY200_QL40&amp;keywords=the+four+agreements&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=51MfVDOlEkL&amp;ref=plSrch
You are your own person now. Don't ever let anyone else determine what value you place on yourself. Even if that person is your mother.
Please read "The Four Agreements". It's very short, but I think it should be required reading for young adults facing the world for the first time.
I highly suggest you read The Four Agreements. It dives into an interesting perspective on ways to really give zero fucks about other people's problems and focus on yourself.
Unfortunately, all the perspective and advice in the world will not solve the problem of self entitled ass-hats who think it is their right to be absolute fucking narcissistic dick-heads for the sake of living the " American Dream ".
A book I would recommend. The Four Agreements. Gives you some great perspectives on how to live a fulfilling life on your own terms.
As lingual_panda said, take a second to formulate your thoughts. This will also allow you to catch yourself when you're going to say something negative. Be consciously aware and stop the words from coming out of your mouth.
Reading introspective material helped me a ton. I started questioning why I was so bitter and began challenging those harmful thoughts. Don't Sweat The Small Stuff, The Four Agreements, and No More Mr. Nice Guy are excellent books that push you to be a more positive person.
Much of the cynicism and complaining stems from insecurity. Maybe you're frustrated or resentful with others. Figure out what's causing those feelings and eliminate them. And you have to accept that some people are the way they are -- there's no use in wasting your energy complaining.
When I'm truly satisfied and believe in myself, the last thing I want to do is bitch.
It's not easy! A couple books I really recommend are "The Four Agreements" - this book was transformative for me; and "Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil. Now if you're not a Dr. Phil fan don't let that turn you off from this book, I actually really dislike him based only watching his show but this book surprised me. It's honest, no nonsense, and really really helpful. There's also a workbook that I would highly recommend getting as well. If your husband does it with you, great, if not - you can still benefit from it tremendously.
I'm still working on this, but a book I have found helpful is The Four Agreements
At first I wasn't sure about it because it's based on the wisdom and spirituality of the ancient Toltec civilization's religion. I'm not religious or spiritual but the four agreements themselves make a lot of sense.
> Also, try to remember that nobody can affect your mood and attitude but you. An ignorant piece of shit should NEVER cause you to get pissed. That just means they are controlling you. It's their bad, not yours. So just try to always keep calm and brush off ignorant people. Yes, couples who shun you that previously loved you will sting, but try to just brush it off. You don't need them in your life, so just think of them as a disposable fuck toy and throw them away.
That is such good advice, for anyone.
I LOVE the book The 4 Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, and your advice corresponds with one of the 4: Don't Take Anything Personally. That sounds easier said than done, but the way he explains it is so simple that it's profound. The book really changed me for the better.
I also keep this gif handy. It makes me laugh and it helps me give no fucks. :)
A short book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz has one of the best explanations for how to deal with people who are lost and struggling with their life. It's really quite eye opening and one of those books that will change your life.
https://www.amazon.com/The-Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal/dp/1878424319
If you take things personally offer you should read The Four Agreements. This book really helped me understand that people's actions have almost nothing to do with you and more to do with themselves. It's a great read.
A couple.. I always liked this quote (disregard or embrance religious flavor to it at your own interest):
> Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Also, the book The Four Agreements was basically life-changing for me, and helped me be a lot less in angry in general.
Tl;dr of the book:
>
There's more to it; and i doubt you'll find reading it a waste of time.
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
https://www.amazon.ca/gp/aw/d/1878424319/ref=pd_aw_fbt_14_img_2?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1&amp;refRID=Z989SNTCA5H5MR73G828
A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle
https://www.amazon.ca/gp/aw/d/0452289963/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1496874603&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&amp;keywords=A+new+earth&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=51n4Kwlv5bL&amp;ref=plSrch
It's like 7 on Amazon and well worth it!
Being a teen is tough. I went through a lot of bullying, and was made fun of a lot by "rich" kids even though my family had money. Kids are testing the waters and trying to push their way through this weird social heirarchy that literally only exists in high school
You do you.
Best motto I have for my life is "I take care of myself, and just let the rest take care of itself".
Another little pearl is that when they talk bad to you remember it has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with who they are as people, and where they are in life.
If I could go back and recommend a book to my 15 year old self it would be this book.
https://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319
If you want I can order it and have it sent to you.
Solution: Don't be lazy...
Get things going, and give your best, always!
Here's a chance to start and not be lazy:
Good read you might enjoy: https://www.amazon.ca/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319
Give yourself the goal to read this before the end of next friday. 138 pages in 8 days is an easy goal. If you can't do this, you'll stay the lazy miserable winner you are.
You have to make a choice, either do it and change or don't and stay the same.
I utterly agree with this comment.
I would say that 20% of the comments in here are from deeply bitter people (curiously almost all the really bitter people are male). When I see someone's comments starting to talk about marriage as a "contact", how their partner is failing in their contractual obligations and you should dump their sorry ass I think "with that kind of self-entitled attitude I wouldn't have sex with you either".
A book I've seen mentioned in here is the The Four Agreements -- or The Fifth Agreement for what amounts to a rehash in less time. Once I was able to look past the new-age vibe, I found it a really helpful reminder that you've never really known another person's experience and that LL partners have just as much right to live their life as you do. Sure there are some flat out selfish people about, but most LL partners are just trying to cope with what life has dealt them -- just as you are.
The other book I found helpful was Passionate Marriage. This is not going to be applicable in everyone's situation, but helped me in a big way to not take my partner's behaviour personally and to understand the emotional dynamic that was at play in my relationship.
The Four Agreements
Don Miguel Ruiz
I second this, and I'd recommend reading The Four Agreements.
You might try reading the Four Agreements. It gave me a lot of insight into my social interactions.
http://www.toltecspirit.com/
http://www.amazon.com/The-Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal/dp/1878424319
I like doing the exercises, journal entry, and mood tracker on the Pacifica app! It's available for iOS and android. The only reason it needs your email is to send you weekly progress reports if you want them!
A book that has changed the way I view things is called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz Jr. It's a pretty small book with huge, yet simple ideas.
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
I second what Scribblenerd said. FWIW, I came from a similar background and struggled for many years looking for something to help. BPD seemed to fit, but wasn't helpful in pointing a direction forward. The things that helped the most were reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, and developing a different narrative that reframes things in a way that works better than the default "because I suck" story we get fed by default. Feel free to adopt or ignore bits that resonate or not:
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Dopamine is a neurotransmitter involved in lots of processes, including reward, motivation, hunger, social interactions, dominance/submission, etc. Things like life situations and interpersonal interactions affect dopamine levels, and dopamine levels have a big effect on how we feel and perceive things.
When dopamine is low or something happens that decreases it -- what we call a "dopasuck" -- it's really unpleasant. It leads to feelings of unimportance, powerlessness, discomfort, etc. The limbic system, the old social mammal part of the brain, will often respond by trying to snatch for dopamine from somewhere. Unfortunately, many such strategies, while effective at boosting dopamine in the short term, are ultimately destructive. Examples include:
The limbic system tends to tie things together that have historically happened together and led to a particular short-term outcome. Pavlov's dog is a classic example. If you have a history of successfully using the "dopamine theft" strategy to get short term dopamine increase and/or defend yourself, that's what the limbic system will grab for when you feel threatened, low dopamine, or in danger of dopasuck.
The good news is that it's possible to retrain these responses. The limbic system is doing its best to try to take care of you, but its reactions are based on patterns of past experience not rational thoughts. There is a more sustainable path which builds dopamine for both parties by strengthening connections, interacting more compassionately, and releasing attachment to the reflex to dominate. You can choose whether your thoughts amplify or dampen that initial limbic reaction, and work towards a different outcome by training future responses.
I think of it like rehabilitating an abused puppy that you've adopted. You can't expect to convince the puppy to react differently through arguing with it or yelling at it, but by consistently demonstrating that the puppy is now safe and loved it will react more calmly over time.
For example, imagine a situation where you have lashed out then later regretted it. It's likely that this will stir up uncomforable feelings (the limbic reactions don't necessarily discriminate between imagination and reality). That's ok, just try to accept that and move on. Maybe take a couple breaths. Consider and imagine other responses which could build connections and maintain mutual respect.
Each time you manage to regain composure, stay engaged through such an encounter, and achieve a better outcome the old negative limbic reaction patterns will weaken and transform into something more positive. Don't beat yourself up about whatever the result is, just try again next time. Be sure to pat yourself on the back when it does work out in a positive way.
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Anyway, that's the reframing that's worked for me. I hope that helps. I'm rooting for you. :)
http://www.amazon.com/The-Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal/dp/1878424319
In the best selling book The Four Agreements Don Miguel Ruiz gives four principles to practice in order to create love and happiness in your life. Adopting and committing to these agreements is simple. Actually living and keeping these Four Agreements can be one of the hardest things you will ever do. It can also be one of the most life changing things you will ever do.
The Four Agreements are:
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
Yea, I just got home. I'm bored, mini rants incoming.
When I first heard of The Four Agreements, I was in detox back in 09 or something. And this tweaker chick kept going manic. She'd be happy/sad/angry/empty... just over and over. She was throwing chairs, and freaking out, but she kept telling me to read that book. So I had to, because she had excellent chair throwing skills. It was a great read, ... very very interesting take on spirituality but it is pretty applicable. It's a feel good philosophy warrior book thing.
The Power of Now. I had what AA would call a "spiritual awakening" and it really wasn't much like a burning bush, but A LOT like this guy talks about in this book. When I was about to kill myself with a teener of dope, I had this very very strange experience where I couldn't identify with myself anymore. .. "Who is this person that wants to die so badly?... Who am I?" It really changed things. The power of now was the most powerful thing I've read.
The New Earth is pretty interesting. I have to disagree with some points, because traditionally, you can't really get rid of the ego. The ego is necessary to survive. But it's interesting. It's worth a read, especially someone stuck in a facility with only their remorse and addiction to keep them company.
I personally LOVE Gabor Mate. This guy deals with the most tragic cases of addiction in Vancouver, and he's a neurologist and he has some pretty good insights on addiction. In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts. It's partly where I came up with my flair.
Rational Recovery was another I would suggest. It's a lot like those Allen Carr Easy Way to Quit Smoking. But the basic idea is disassociation from the "Addictive Voice". That it's not ME that wants to get high, but my addiction. That shit rocked my world when I learned it, and I immediately integrated it into my first step in Narcotics Anonymous.
EDIT, Rational Recovery, and Jack Trimpey are VERY AGAINST 12 step ideology. He HATES IT, and he hates the God idea. I get that, but I cannot and will not deny the therapeautic value of one addict helping another. Nothing compares. Even Bill W. in AA wrote about it in his memoirs and grapevines and the Big Book. "When all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic saved the day."
Tao de Ching really helped me. Although it may be missattributed, the whole "Living in the Past is living in depression, living in the future is living in anger and fear, living in the now is living in peace."
So, as you can see, I really like the "now" concept, but it's helped me stay clean and be happy about it. Non-fiction would probably be great too. But these are very spiritual new agey ideas.
This reminds me, I need to read The Spirituality of Imperfection.
THE MOST IMPORTANT BOOKS THOUGH:
I highly recommend the NA Basic Text, and I love the Step Working Guide.
Social anxiety can be solved and I am living proof, this book made me the person that I am right now: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319
In my personal opinion is the best book that has ever been written in human history
Please give this book a shot. It’s a small book, but will change your perspective so you stop blaming yourself for everything. I read it 20 years ago, and dug it up again. It helps so much.
It’s a small book, but one you need to read slowly and digest.
I carry it with me, for my weak moments.
The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1878424319/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_INK0CbSEKCJ2T
I've had great difficulty with this in the past.... honestly I can't offer a whole lot of help..... But, remember that their attitude and behavior is probably MOSTLY a projection of their own reality.
If it were my guess, he or she is weak, and has difficulty dealing with facts. So my advice would be to slam them with facts and just pure objective data, with any and all chances you get.
[The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book)] is good,have a look at it! https://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319
Pema Chodron: When Things Fall Apart
Daniel Millman: Way of the Peaceful Warrior
Don Miguel Ruiz: Four Agreements
Maya Hornbacher : Waiting
Bill W.: 12 Secular Steps
That's a great way to visualize what I've tried to practice for years -- what someone says to you is a reflection of themselves and not of you. Don't accept it. I got a lot from reading Don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements, and how it guides you to detach from others negativity.
The book I credit the most with assisting me in learning to love myself is The Four Agreements. It's simple, easy to ready, and there is a companion book, to help implement the agreements in your life. Both can be had for under $20 on Amazon.
http://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1395577539&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=four+agreements
> How does one who has never tried at anything, try at life?
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
Some challenges seem huge but if you break them down into little pieces you can conquer them. How do you do that? Just start doing anything and something will happen.
Succeeding in my line of work is all about the effort I put into my projects. Even if I work my tail off there is a chance I could fail but the success is so sweet that I have to keep trying. Just do anything. Good luck.
Books: The Four Agreements
Ender's Game
Body for Life
If You Haven't Got the Time to Do It Right, When Will You Find the Time to Do It Over?
The War if Art
I got something out of these, maybe you will too. Good luck.
I'd try The Four Agreements or The End Of Suffering. I think a large majority of people suffer from daily mind irritations and the energy we expend fighting or rolling with these thoughts is our only tool to combat the negative effects of these automatic negative thoughts. I've done some minute processing of these thoughts myself.
Becoming aware of the excited or heightened state our brains get out of processing the threat in the moment is the first step. Having the strength to be assertive and voice what is troubling you could be a positive step in the right direction. I would almost guarantee that if you started a conversation with your roommate about what you perceive as a willful act of aggression on his part, you would have many natural insights to the judgements you hold him to subconsciously. If your roommate challenged your perception in an honest way you could see if you two were really a good fit, or if this was just a misunderstanding. I have found personally this approach has made me understand people more through processing my own feelings. Part of this is having 'no fear' when it comes to expressing your authentic feelings to others.
Closely held private judgement could keep an inexorable wall between yourself and others, and others not experiencing your authentic feelings and thoughts voiced out loud could lead to them seeing your (understandable emotional eddy) as an effort to keep them away.
For sure find a professional and work at least 6 weeks on acquiring tools to combating stress associated with these projections. Some of what you have described can be a good thing when you're able to channel your energy in a manner that won't drain you.
Thanks and be well.
Oh my goodness you are not at all a burden! In fact, as soon as I woke up this morning I checked to see if you replied because I was very concerned about you. Please ask me anything. I have been through the process so therefore I could really give you some great tips! If you want to get better, you will have to lose the idea that you are a burden or else you could miss out on valuable advice and support. As far as your parents, bf, and friends go....I suggest being as straightforward as possible and openly communicating to them about what is going on with you. Sit them down and tell them that you would like their support and that this is who you are. It is a good thing to accept and acknowledge that you have a mental illness. Tell them that you are the same person and that you could be an even better version of yourself if you got the proper help that you needed. Tell them it is easy to sweep things under the rug, but that won't help you. Having a mental illness does not make you weak, it makes you human. You could have been born without a leg, born with downs syndrome, born with autism. You were born with your own set of struggles. It really takes courage to accept this and it is the first step to getting the proper help. Explain to them that the process of finding a therapist can be tricky.. And I recommend reaching out to people or resources that could help guide you through this process. Of course, these are all only suggestions. You tell your friends and family whatever you feel is necessary, but I have found that these points of view have helped me tremendously. My stepfather has severe depression and anxiety so he was able to be a wonderful guide to me as I hit many walls throughout my healing process.
Also side note--- Be careful what you read online or who you talk to. A lot of people who write about BPD are VERY judgmental and not at all compassionate. People who have not had this disorder are quick to judge and put down those who do. When you are suffering as badly as we are, you make some unhealthy choices..and people are always quick to gossip and judge. Only you truly know why you do the things that you do and that is all that matters. Just keep working hard to get better, and you do not need to explain yourself to the critics. They will only prevent you from getting better and hold you down. I once had a friend say to me "I don't believe depression is real, it is just people being lazy. You're not trying hard enough. You're probably never going to get better." Well, let's just say we aren't friends anymore... but they were also wrong of course... People who haven't gone through what we have will never understand what it truly feels like. But that is also what makes this disorder special. Because of having BPD, I have become so empathetic and compassionate towards others. I don't gossip anymore about other people because I understand that every person has their own unique struggle. I can certainly disagree with a person's decisions, but I don't have to judge them. I don't know why people do the things that they do and unless I am going to directly as them why, then I have got not business dwelling on it. We know how it feels to truly suffer, and oddly, that is a gift.
Lastly- This book really helped me and changed my life... I would recommend it to anyone:
https://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1474640976&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=the+four+agreements
I like those cheesy self-help books. Tony Robbins' Awaken the Giant Within is a good one. Zig Ziglar is another speaker/author to take a look at. There are a lot of authors in that category.
The Four Agreements was good, though it gets a little new-agey at times, and may not be your thing if that turns you off.
I thought The Secret (movie and book) carried a positive message. I liked 'em. I've read the follow up book too. There's a whole lot of bunk science in there, though, so be careful of that. The message is basically, "If you intend good things to happen to you, they will, because quantum physics." They do not understand quantum physics. But as long as you're not foregoing taking action to solve your problems, I think the message is positive. Thinking positively has other benefits. What's it matter what your reason is for doing it, ya know?
Eckhart Tolle has some good books. The Power of Now comes to mind.
A lot of people like The Power of Habit.
I enjoy listening to Alan Watts lectures, that's mostly pop-style Buddhist and Hindu philosophy. Word of caution though, Alan Watts himself is not a Buddhist and in fact at times argues that alcohol & drugs are a good thing. I don't agree with everything the man says but his lectures are thought provoking
The values.com website has a whole slew of cheesy motivational content. Example: Spread Your Wings. I like stuff like that. :)
I think this book might really help. The idea is that we program our own expectations of the world, and some of us make very bad deals with ourselves and continue to stick to them. This book is a way to reprogram your expectations and to assert your needs honestly.
The Four Agreements: https://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319
The Alchemist: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/865.The_Alchemist
You know, I think you are projecting your own attitude and applying it to text that has no tone and thereby creating this "I'm the victim", "you guys suck" mentality. Maybe reread your texts and see if your position is not what you are projecting. It certainly reads that way from here.
Your complaints are centered around how you should be treated. Many people have no problem blending in, or arguing their point. Should any community wrap itself around the expectations of the few?
As a professional coming to a very unprofessional site, I would recommend you toughen up that skin a bit. If you need kid gloves, I think you'll find stackexchange.com or stackoverflow.com more compatible with your sensitivities. Maybe setup a support contract with Conanical or RedHat, guaranteed proper professional treatment, the answers may suck and it might be a tad bit expensive, but your ego won't suffer any bruises.
If you think this is bad. Avoid IRC. I got my face bit off by a user I will not name... insulting me the whole way, but I got an elegant answer to my problem.
IT will never unionize because of egos. If you learn to let yours not get in the way, you'll get a lot more out of the FREE resources available for the FREE OPEN SOURCE tools that IMO crush the other options that seem to come prehacked from the factory with expensive licensing...just saying. You might as well ask for some free blow jobs too, but you should be able to afford it with the savings on licensing fees. Think about it, no longer are you the one getting fucked, but now you can be the one fucking with all the savings.
I only expect professional, tolerant, blah blah blah when I'm paying for it. Otherwise if someone wants to be a fucking douche bag but tell me what I need to know...I didn't have to pay for it. yay! those words mean nothing. You should maybe reflect after reading a book called the Four Agreements. Part of the subtext explains that each word is a contract, and you do not have to agree with the meaning of that word, hence my tree is not a tree comment. The vision of a tree that you have may differ from mine, but we use it for convenience to communicate an untruth. Some of the core tenets of the book are something you may find of value such as: don't take anything personally. The others useful but this one I think you need read/hear.
The world isn't out to get you...and neither is the linux community.
Have a wonderful day and try to read this in the tone of: welcome to the community, chill the fuck out and we'll help you out.
or you can choose to view it as ...
Don't let the fog obscure your perception.
This is a late reply, but all I gotta say is this: You can do it, bro. I've been in your position and it sucks, but you can move past this pain. It doesn't even have to be literal sex. Something as simple as not giving up when it comes to learning a new subject has been incredible.
I highly recommend reading No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover. Here's a link! https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
And also read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. https://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319
And of course see a professional. They really can help. You can do it! 😎👊🏼
The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
http://www.amazon.com/The-Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal/dp/1878424319
Great book, you'd benefit from it a lot.
I agree. It's also the first agreement in one of my favorite motivational (audio)books of all time, Don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements: "Be Impeccable With Your Words".
http://www.amazon.fr/The-Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal/dp/1878424319
Please give this a go. It's a short book, but you will benefit from it immensely I think. Please stop thinking about yourself as permanently damaged. Maybe wounded in the past, but all there is, is the present moment.
Why go to pills? There's plenty of methods to deal with stuff like this that don't require you ingesting anything but knowledge.
http://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1452098565&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=Four+Agreements
Cheap book. Easy read. Changed my life. You just have to be willing to try. I promise you, anyone can change their mentality for the better. Those pills should be a last resort, not a first cop-out.
The Four Agreements
This book literally changed my life overnight.
I've been to therapy once before... I was in a deep depression after my (now-ex) girlfriend cheated on me with someone she met online. For me, it was a very positive experience. I had my problems with it, but I came out realizing a lot about myself.
I sat in a room next to a woman who described hanging crosses all over her bedroom so demons wouldn't attack her at night. Across from me was a guy crying over the things he had done to score some heroine. My troubles seemed to pale in comparison next to what I was listening to.
I'm not trying to trivialize my pain or your fear, by any means, but the main thing I learned from therapy was that no matter how bad my life gets, it's never nearly as bad as it could be.
I used to have a lot of social anxiety. It all stemmed from irrational fear. Anytime I'd be in any kind of important social situation, I'd 'build it up' in my head - almost like rehearsing it. It didn't matter if it was a date, or a meeting, or an interview, or even a phone call, I would always imagine it in my head as the worst case scenario. In my mind, women would laugh at me, teachers would yell at me, potential employers would hang up on me, and strangers would think me to be a fool.
I finally realized that none of these 'worst case scenarios' that I was constantly preparing myself for ever came true. Reality was tame in comparison to my imagination! Since then, I've learned to stop letting my thoughts run wild like that.
Therapy did help me, and if you think it could help you, I would encourage you to seek it out. Try searching for mental health clinics in your area.
If you're interested in controlling your thoughts, you may also want to try meditation or breathing exercises. They can be very useful. One that I do when I'm trying to sleep is to breathe in deeply, then slowly exhale in short breaths.
If you're interested in some light reading, I can recommend a book that helped me immensely: The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz. Sometimes the language is a little flowery, but if you can get past that, it has a great message about realizing the difference between what's in your head (your 'worst case scenarios') and reality.
I'm probably about to head to sleep myself, but please feel free to reply. If you ever want to just talk, or need a sounding board for ideas, feel free to send me a PM.
Relevant: http://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319
Here is my list, they are mostly books which have helped me to live a better life, so not so much suited for a bucket-list as books which should be read early in life:
http://highwaytolife.com/
https://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1491760762&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=the+four+agreements
I'll jump on the book recommendations. Read The 4 Agreements. I broke down when I read it, actually, before even the 1st agreement! It reaches down into the core of why you act the way you do, into the crippling fear. Knowing about it might help you overcome it.
Sunshine and happiness
Also, as a personal recommendation for self-improvement and reflection
tldr: You have tremendous opportunities. There are tools to help you move forward more easily.
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Just to be sure I'm understanding, how accurately does the following describe your situation?
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It sounds like your circumstances are difficult. At the same time, your current situation is a sign of your incredible wisdom and persistence; you've achieved a lot in a short period of time. You have tremendous potential to move beyond your current circumstances, onto a path where you can meet your needs, experience the things you desire, and pursue your dreams. Most notably, the following:
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Do you have a life coach or mental health therapist? It sounds like you might experience learned helplessness.
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Have you explored meditation and mindfulness? It might be helpful to either read, listen to, or watch content related to meditation (to quiet the internal negative voices) and mindfulness (to embrace natural suffering of life while inspiring experimentation to use your experiences, talents, and other resources to improve the world around you as much as possible, not only for yourself, but also for others around you). Regardless of your religious and spiritual beliefs, meditation and mindfulness might offer many useful perspectives and habits that are compatible with most (if not all) religious and spiritual communities. Perhaps just start with listening to Acknowledging Suffering by Gil Fronsdal, which is part of The Twelve Steps to Freedom series while your mindlessly browsing the 'nets. Or, Suffering and the End of Suffering Series - Talk 1, Talk 2, Talk 3, and Talk 4. Note the concepts that resonate most with you, then explore those using a variety of mindfulness and meditation resources, perhaps including the following:
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Have you read Tao of Pooh written by Benjamin Hoff? Imagine you are a block of wood. Would it be better – more compassionate, more wise, and more persistent — to shape yourself to fit into the world as it is, or find a place where you naturally fit in as you are, or a little bit of both?
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Have you read the book The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom written by Don Miguel Ruiz? It suggests that simply doing 4 things will help to slowly improve your life and the world around you, perhaps not day-to-day or week-to-week or even month-to-month, but fairly noticeably from year-to-year, and certainly over an entire lifetime.
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Have you taken the Myers-Briggs personality test? It may be helpful to better understand your personality type and natural tendencies. Granted, personality tests are not 100% accurate. But, even if they are only 80% accurate, having some awareness about your personality and tendencies may be helpful for discovering the best path available for your life's journey. Sufficiently valid and reliable (and most importantly, free) versions of the test can be found via 16Personalities, Truity, and Humanmetrics. Once you identify your personality type, you can learn more about that type on those and other websites. Note that characteristics that resonate most with you. Ignore the ones that don't.
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Have you identified strategies to make the most of your limited time, energy, talents, finances, and other resources with your unique circumstances given the world around you? What are your strengths and weaknesses? What opportunities and threats/challenges exist in the world around you? How might you apply your strengths to the world's opportunities as your unique empowerment strategies? How might you apply your strengths to the world's threats/challenges as your unique improvement strategies? How might you apply your weaknesses to the world's opportunities as your unique assistance strategies? How might you apply your weaknesses to the world's threats/challenges as your unique avoidance strategies? For example, in a table like this with 3 to 5 bullet points in each of the 8 main sections (i.e. not the upper left-hand corner box):
External / Internal | Strengths to Maximize | Weaknesses to Minimize
:---------------------|:------------------------:|---------------------------:
Opportunities to Maximize | Empowerment Strategies | Improvement Strategies
Threats / Challenges to Minimize | Assistance Strategies | Avoidance Strategies
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What are your core values? What do you believe is the purpose of life, in general, or better yet: the purpose of your life, specifically (especially if you've identified strategies to make the most of your limited time, energy, talents, finances, and other resources with your unique circumstances given the world around you)?
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Have you explored how you might build a decently-paying job or career in light of your limited time, energy, talents, finances, and other resources with your unique circumstances given the world around you? Have you read Business Model You: A One-Page Method For Reinventing Your Career written by Tim Clark, Alexander Osterwalder, and Yves Pigneur? Or, explored ["how might I get started as a travel blogger or photographer?"](https://www.google.com/search?q=how+to+get+started+as+a+travel+(blogger+OR+photographer)
Also, the book "The Four Agreements" It's a quick read but really reinforces the points he made. https://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319
Jos haluat selkeyttä siihen, miksi sinun mieli näin toimii, niin voit lukea nämä kirjat:
The Four Agreements
A New Earth
Nämä kirjat antavat sinulle työkalut ymmärtää, mistä kaikki tämä johtuu, mitä voit asialle tehdä ja miten estää samojen kuvioiden toistumisen tulevaisuudessa. Toisin sanoen miten pääset sieltä pimeydestä pois.
To use a lovely cliche, it's a journey, but it starts with a single step.
Acceptance is hard. Self acceptance is possibly the tallest order. But it starts with a decision, a "turning of the mind" if you will, from the voices in your head that keep you convinced that you are worthless or unlikeable. You don't have to believe everything you think. So you might have a thought, like, I'm a loser, or I'm no good, or What do I have to offer anybody, or or or or. I challenge you to look at that thought and choose not to believe it. Or at least, to start, to choose to believe your thoughts are not irrefutable truth. Because they aren't. In fact, those thoughts and beliefs come from your interpretation of your environment, usually from when you were very young. Us humans are not so good at letting things go. So we hold onto these thoughts and beliefs, we think there is something wrong with us, we take things personally and conclude we must be terrible no good broken freaks. That misinterpretation is not your fault, it's just the tragedy of human living. But we don't have to suffer in it. We can choose to ignore the judging, shaming inner voice. It isn't easy. You won't be perfect at it. I'm certainly not. It's a process. But it can start with just recognizing that you don't have to believe everything you think.
There are lots of tips out there on building self esteem, but keep in mind that it's your life and it's going to look different than the life of anyone else. If you like to read and think you would get a lot of out books, I have plenty of recommendations I could give you. The Four Agreements comes to mind.
Another strategy is affirmations. So telling yourself (out loud, in writing, in your head, whatever works for you) positive things about yourself, like I Am Worthy Of Love And Happiness. I Am Good Enough. I Am Imperfect And That's Okay. Over time, these affirmations of your worth can start to replace the negative self talk you've got tangled up inside. It's like planting healthy seeds. Eventually love (for your self, and eventually others) will grow.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like you are trying so hard and have so much on your own plate. I am due right around the same time as you so I know what it feels like to be this pregnant and only getting more pregnant! I also really identify with what you wrote because my husband tells me I complain a lot too (and I think this is true), and it is hard for him to listen to me complain all the time.
My suggestion is to try your very hardest not to take his behavior personally. There is a great book called The Four Agreements that really helped me get my emotions under control when I was feeling volatile. It's about the deals or "agreements" you make with yourself about the way life works or the way you are going to interact with people.
The point is that if you can change the way you think and react to others, you can change your life for the better even if no one else changes (although they probably will change in response to how you have changed). The second agreement is not to take things personally, that people's behavior is a reflection of them, not of you, and moreover that if someone else's behavior hurts you, it is because they are touching some wounded place in you---and if you healed that place, it wouldn't hurt you anymore in the same way. Your SO's behavior says that he's frustrated and overwhelmed, insecure, and resentful. It sounds like you're reacting in anger and maybe a bit of panic, like things are out of control.
What will defuse the situation is compassion---or if you can't muster that, at least benign acceptance of his (hopefully temporary) craziness. In interacting with him, it might help if you can put yourself in a place of power and thus a place of self-assurance. Think of the family and friends who love and support you, who've got your back no matter what. You've said already that you know you are going to be fine no matter what happens, so try not to react in fear and frustration. Mentally perhaps you can think of your SO as not unlike your 2-year-old when he throws a tantrum. You know that your 2-year-old isn't misbehaving on purpose; he's 2 and going through a spastic little human phase. Your SO may be taller than your toddler, but it's possible he's having an adjustment problem too, and if you are nonreactive to it, eventually he's going to give up and calm down. Then you'll have a chance to talk rationally and find out what's really going on. Good luck to you and I hope it works out.
Anybody interested in this should at least read "The Four Agreements" authored by Don Miguel Ruiz
http://www.amazon.com/The-Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal/dp/1878424319
http://www.toltecspirit.com/
I've heard a lot of people say The Four Agreements.
http://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319
Absolutely, do all those things. Eat healthier, force yourself to be more social. Honestly, the key is not to fall into judgment of oneself or others and to adopt a philosophy of quiet acceptance and forgiveness. That's why talk therapy helps. You have a chance to air out your thoughts to make sure you aren't starting a pattern of self destructive and judgmental thoughts. Reading [this]( http://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319really helped me in that regard.) really helped me. The first parts a little weird, but the rest is really amazing.
Good luck!
I was similar but this book has helped me greatly. Maybe it can help you too.
Once I read in a book something among the lines of "live your life without justifying your existence."
I've been trying to apply this to my life since then (maybe two years ago), and it's one of the quotes that has had the biggest impact on my life. The book is called "The Four Agreements".
> I'm looking out for myself before my toxic ass family
I understand far far too well.
I know it's hard, but if you're willing to trust a stranger, get the book, give it a read. It's like $6 on Amazon. What could it hurt?
Good luck fellow human :)
ugh ok here is the link lol https://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319
HTMLdweebus
This book helped me see everything differently, success came to me shortly after I changed my mindset and started honouring The Four Agreements
https://www.amazon.ca/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319