Reddit Reddit reviews The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence

We found 102 Reddit comments about The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.

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The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence
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102 Reddit comments about The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence:

u/t30ne · 2896 pointsr/AskReddit

Have you read The Gift of Fear? Great book, even for law enforcement. Battered women literally become addicted to the feeling of relief when the man acts sweet and apologetic the next day. Like, chemically addicted to the sensation.

EDIT: The Gift of Fear seriously, if someone reading this feels like they could benefit from knowing how to protect themselves but can't afford a $2 used book, I'll buy it for you. PM me.

u/Deradius · 980 pointsr/self

It's unclear what's going on here, but this pattern of behavior is disturbing. I recommend the following course of action:

  1. Get yourself checked for sexually transmitted infections now and six months from now.

  2. Get a reliable keyed deadbolt lock for your front door. You're looking for ANSI Grade 2 or better. Also check your windows and make sure those are not easy to open or gain access to from the outside. Consider installing security film. At the very least, change your locks if she has or ever had a key.

  3. Eliminate all points of contact with this woman. Don't answer the phone if she calls. Just let it go to voicemail, and delete without listening. Filter her emails to go straight to trash. Texts too, if possible. Do not respond to any letters or texts she sends. If she knocks on your door, do not answer. Consider getting a restraining order, but be aware this could provoke retaliation.

  4. Read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear.

    ---

    Her extremely aggressive attempt to have unprotected sex and her failure to take no for an answer is concerning. It could simply be something she wanted to do and nothing more.

    It could also be that she wanted to get pregnant, transmit an STI, or allege sexual assault (and have physical evidence with which to do so). (I'm not accusing her of any of these things. I'm noting that they are possibilities you should be aware of.)

    Note that if she does allege that you did something, neighbors will report seeing her extremely disturbed and upset, crying and screaming outside of your apartment after having been inside with you.

    ---

    You should limit further contact with this person.

    I am not a lawyer or any sort of professional. This is not legal advice.
u/atGuyThay · 196 pointsr/UnresolvedMysteries

That is insane, but you were absolutely right to listen to your fear and act on it. If you haven’t read The Gift Of Fear I highly recommend it. Your situation sounds like one he would cover. So scary

u/Minemose · 165 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

OP, you are brave! Thank you for helping this poor woman.
If you read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker he talks about the human brain and what happens when we're in a terrifying situation. I won't try to explain it other than to say that your instincts sort of take over and it's often like you're being controlled by an outside force. Like your subconscious knows what will save you/another person even if your conscious mind is too terrified to think. He is also the person who developed the Mosaic Threat Assessment which is used by police forces and experts to determine who is likely to commit a violent act. It's a free tool that anybody can use FYI. Comes in handy if you have a violent person in your life.

u/Gravy-Leg__ · 142 pointsr/IAmA

Please don't be overconfident about your safety due to the order of protection; she could do something violent against you at any time. I highly suggest you read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear - it is loaded with great advice for people in your situation. Good luck.

u/skjaldmeyja · 135 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

Please, please, PLEASE hear me out on this.

My husband and I went through the Valley of the Shadow of Death in our marriage almost 10 years ago, and a huge part of it was him and his mom separately gaslighting and passive aggressively manipulating me.

The most important lesson I learned in that year from hell was LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION.
There is no tool more powerful for you right now than the quiet voice in the back of your mind saying, "Something doesn't seem right about this...". At times it may be confusing because 'So-and-so would never say or do that!', but I promise you that you have an amazing mind and parts of it are working 24/7 processing all the data you receive and finding the patterns you could never consciously think through.

I saw warning sign for over five years before everything blew up, and I ignored every single one of them because I didn't want to deal with the potential fallout.

From everything you've said your MIL is 100% aware of what she's doing, she's CHOOSING to do this, she's been playing the long game, and that's terrifying.

But you know what? It's ok to be terrified.
Number one, it means you are now both aware of what's going on and you're not ignoring or minimizing it, which in turn means you can now work to handle the situation.
Number two, CC had broken her facade. The poet Maya Angelou summed it up perfectly when she said,
>When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

MIL has not only been explicitly clear about what she thinks of you, but she has done so in front of multiple witnesses (and possibly security cameras-- might want to get copies of video if possible). Neither her, D(amn)H, or anyone else can gaslight you about this.

If you can get a copy of "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin Dr Becker. Its arguably the most recommended book on JNMIL, and I think it would do you a world of good.

You are handling all of this so well, especially while expecting DD. Take time to take care of yourself and kiddos, and know that you are not alone in all of this. (hugs, if wanted)

u/foxbase · 111 pointsr/solotravel

Always listen to your gut. Have you read “The Gift of Fear?” Good book on that subject.


https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0440508835/

u/Ilostmyratfairy · 72 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

I just saw where you said she works with prisoners as a psychologist. That is frankly terrifying. Contact her superiors and possibly an attorney to see what legal recourse you have to protect yourself from her.

Edited to add: Please consider reading Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear. Do not ignore your inner worries when they start dinging this loudly.

u/[deleted] · 63 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

You should read The Gift of Fear, it addresses more or less this exact issue.

Essentially what it says is that no matter what you say, every time you contact the person you're trying to avoid you buy yourself another six weeks of misery as they respond to it. You have nothing to gain and a lot to lose by contacting her. If you ignore ten emails and reply on the eleventh, the only thing she learns is that it takes eleven emails to get you to respond. She is literally incapable of internalizing the ideas you put forward in your letter. The absolute best response, and from my perspective the only response that will work for your benefit, is complete and utter silence.

Resist the urge, OP! Resist!

u/artificial_grape · 56 pointsr/xxfitness

This, a million times over. Never, ever worry about being polite when you feel threatened.

The Gift of Fear is a good read and might help you feel better about your new situation.

u/Fey_fox · 40 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

When I was your age I felt the same way. Then as time passed I found out a friend was groped at the bar when some guy she didn’t see came up behind her and grabbed her mouth and crotch in a dark area of the dance floor. Nobody reacted or saw. When I was 25 that’s when a friend I was with got her drink spiked. Someone was dosing people in the club for shits. She went from pretty normal to fall down pass out real fast, we got her home and stayed with her until she was ok, but I don’t want to imagine what could of happened if she wasn’t with us. When I was 26 my roommate was raped, and I had already been sexually assaulted by a guy who lied about wearing a condom.

By the time I was 30 I had been staked by an ex, groped and had dudes I didn’t know suddenly grinding on my ass in the club. I don’t take public transportation but I’ve heard stories from my friends who take the bus of guys exposing themselves or rubbing their dick through their pants while trying to get eye contact with them.

These weren’t and aren’t daily occurrences. I’m pretty cautious by nature. I carry a carry a cat keychain and compared to most people I know I haven’t had to deal with some of the stuff they had. But I wasn’t and am not immune and neither are you.

Keep your head on a swivel. You have been lucky. I hope you stay that way. Point of this is just because you have been lucky and you beaten the statistic so far doesn’t mean that everyone has or that your luck will hold.


There’s a book I recommended to all young adults, especially young women. The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence. It’s thick but a quick read. I would suggest checking it out.

u/Celtic_Queen · 28 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

This. Girl you need a will and guardianship papers stat! Find a good family law or estate attorney and get it done. It's worth the money. Keep a copy on file at your house (in a safe, if you have one), a copy at your lawyer's office and a copy at a bank deposit box (if you don't have a safe.)

Be sure to check the security at your day care. Do they have a pick-up list? Do they enforce it? My son's daycare required a pick-up list. The parent had to call in and let them know someone else was coming. And that person had to show ID when they picked up. See if you can set a password on your account, so if someone comes to get your child, they have to show ID and give a password.

Sounds like you're already doing great on the documentation and the home security. You might want to consider getting a safe. They're not that expensive. We got a 2.5 cubic foot one at Sam's Club and it was $300, I think. It holds a ton of stuff - our taxes, important papers, passports, my good jewelry. That way you could keep your documentation safe too. Especially the baby's birth certificate and social security card. If you can't swing that right now (which I certainly understand with having a new baby), maybe a safe deposit box at your local bank.

Finally, I recommend reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker, if you haven't already. It's all about trusting your own instincts in troubling situations. There are so many disturbing red flags in your post that are screaming "Danger! Danger!" in my head, and I don't even know this woman.

Good luck with everything. I hope you have some calm so you can enjoy your new little one without being stressed. And so that you can heal. Enjoy every moment because you blink twice and they're 10 years old. Everyone says it, but it really is true.

u/Galinor · 25 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

I'm sorry, this sounds pretty stressful. Absolutely trust your instincts, and perhaps look into this reading material. I agree with the other poster about loudly telling him to stop, this makes it clear what you want, and it makes the situation clear to observers as well.

I disagree with the other commenter about your carrying pepper spray being 'escalation.' You have every right to carry whatever weapon you consider reasonable.

u/mclb223 · 24 pointsr/Advice

Please trust your gut feelings. If he gives you bad vibes, there's a chance your instincts are trying to tell you something.

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker is an amazing read that's all about this, following your instincts and listening to the messages your subconscious mind can send you. I highly recommend it, it can put your mind at ease in terms of how to evaluate your own feelings (it's VERY easy to develop a habit of diminishing our feelings by thinking we are overreacting--but we shouldn't do that to ourselves!).

u/ordinarylove · 24 pointsr/nerdfighters

One thing that I kept coming back to while I was reading the accusations was the idea of enthusiastic consent.

We need to be clear that saying "I'm not interested" for an hour and then finally saying "okay" is not consent, it's manipulation. When you say "no" or "I'm tired" it is not okay for your partner to interpret that as "you really mean yes." As an individual, you need to sit down and think about your boundaries and set clear limits. Don't be afraid to enforce those boundaries if you feel safe enough to do so. Recognize that if someone crosses your line of comfort and safety that they are in the wrong, not you. You get to decide what you are comfortable with and they have to respect it. Situations like the ones involved in Alex Day's incidents are not okay because he crossed personal boundaries. He only cared about his needs and desires and not those of his partners. Good partners don't do that.

I also think we need to think about the effect that we have on our friends and acquaintances around us. We need to stand up against this type of behavior before it escalates into serious crimes. Here is a great resource for scripts you can use when someone you know does something uncomfortable. This is a great resource if you are worried about being a creeper. Finally, an example or two of why we shouldn't just sweep accusations like this under rug for the sake of harmony.

I am a Nerdfighter and will not tolerate any member of our community who uses their power and influence against other members. Those people forgot to be awesome, but we don't have to.

*Edited to add more resources.

Program you can bring up with your school

Fun comic!

A book with some really great information

u/lefteyedspy · 23 pointsr/LetsNotMeet

It’s probably recommended here all the time, but there’s a wonderful book called The Gift of Fear which teaches the importance of trusting your gut instinct in these situations. You and OP did that well, and it probably saved you.

u/BlueRusalka · 19 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Based on your edit, I think you are doing 100% the right thing. It really sucks that this guy can affect your life so much with something as small as a letter, but it happened and now all you can do is deal with the situation in front of you. And you're doing great.

I want to highly recommend that you buy and read [The Gift of Fear] (http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1395939077&sr=1-1&keywords=the+gift+of+fear) by Gavin de Becker. It's a very interesting and well-written book, and also incredibly useful if you happen to have a stalker. I work at a domestic violence shelter, and I recommend that book to many of my clients. And all my friends. And basically everybody.

This is a scary situation, but you're doing awesome. Even if the police don't seem to think it's "threatening," it IS. What he did is absolutely a threat. He said, "I know where you live, I know what you look like naked, and I think I have ownership of that." Even if he's wrong (about it being you in the pictures) that's still a warning, so take it for what it is! Trust yourself, and listen to your instincts. Instincts can be incredibly useful, and yours are telling you to run far away. So run away. There's nothing dishonorable about running to protect yourself. Run away this one time, and hopefully you won't ever have to deal with him again.

Good luck! Message me if you want to talk about anything. I have some experience dealing with stalkers and scary people, so I'm definitely happy to talk with you if you need it.

u/odette_decrecy · 18 pointsr/RedditLaqueristas

Your nails are gorgeous! And congratulations on getting away from an abusive and controlling relationship!

I want to recommend several books to help you, even now, 8 months later. The more time you can take for yourself to heal and to learn--probably at least a year--it will reduce the chances of getting into another relationship that includes abuse and control.

* Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

* Bancroft's Helping Your Children Heal from Witnessing Abuse.

* Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us from Violence.

I was in a decade-long abusive relationship, which I successfully exited in 2012, and have never looked back. Life just keeps getting better, and I am so happy to finally have a serene and peaceful life. These were invaluable resources for me. Thank you for sharing your story of strength!

u/roadkill_laundrette · 16 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Hi Stalker NMom,

I guess you're not very smart, so this is probably a waste of my time. But I'm going to tell you a few things for your own good anyway.

I'm a 40 year old woman who has not been in contact of any kind with my biological parents for about 2.5 years. It was very low contact for about 4 years before the complete cutoff.

I suppose you think you're entitled to be a stalker asshole. My mother sure did. You probably don't even think that what you're doing qualifies as stalking, but this book explains in a really common-sense way why you actually are a stalker: http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835

I think if you asked my mother about my relationship with her, she'd start whining and go on about some memory about me being 6 years old. Really, I think the only reason she had me was for the "baby" part of having a kid. Right about the time I hit puberty she started treating me like complete shit and regularly talking about how the only thing she was looking forward to now was having grandbabies. That's all I was good for.

But you know what? Now that I'm 40 I really can't remember shit about my pre-puberty years. Just little bits of memory here and there. But I remember my teenage years with crystal clarity, as if it happened yesterday. You have a teenage daughter, and the way that you treat her today is your legacy. That is what she will remember when she's my age.

Do you want to be a part of a potential grandchild's life?
Do you want help when you're old and sick?

No one OWES any of that to you. If you keep acting the way you are acting now, it's YOUR future that you're throwing in the toilet. That 18 year old couple are already here (in an online support group for children of abusive parents). That's way better than I had at their age. It took me years to get to the point that I knew it wasn't my fault. They'll leave and you'll never see them again. Maybe that's what you want, maybe not. But you should think about it before throwing tantrums and getting your daughter in trouble in school. You should really think about it.

u/ceebee6 · 14 pointsr/AskWomen

Before I tell my stories, I want to recommend that every woman read The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence by Gavin de Becker. It's important to trust your intuition even if you feel worried about looking foolish. Your brain recognizes when things are off before your conscious mind is even aware of anything happening.

I've had multiple scary encounters over the years. But there are two that stand out to me the most.

I was about 17 or 18 and driving home from my after school job. I pulled on to my street that was next to a busy road, and noticed that a couple other cars had turned as well. I parked on the street in front of my family home, and the two cars also parked on the street. This wasn't unusual in my area (a lot of people park on the street) so I didn't think much of it. Some men got out of one of the cars, and they noticed me parked a bit behind them. When they saw me, they moved towards me and I got a bad gut feeling, so I quickly locked my driver's side door (manual locks). One of the men tried to open my driver's door. I had enough room to drive off, so I did that and went to my friend's house who lived a few blocks over.

In another situation, I was walking outside on a nice summer night after dark. It must have been about 9:30 or 10 pm. As I was walking, I noticed a car behind me. The man in the car slowed down and started following me. My gut said get the hell out of there, so I ran to my neighbor's house and rang the doorbell until they answered.

Those were just two of my experiences.

u/fishbulb- · 14 pointsr/LetsNotMeet

You would probably enjoy The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.

It contains a bunch of creepy, /r/LetsNotMeet-style stories about stalkers and murderers and such, written by a security expert who explains why your gut is such a good warning system and how you can use it better to keep yourself safe.

A fun and disturbing read.

u/itchytweed · 13 pointsr/iamverysmart

As it should be. Actors of violence shouldn't be given popularity, as it only succeeds in encouraging more like them (One thing I learned from The Gift of Fear)

u/bss60 · 12 pointsr/LetsNotMeet

There were so many red flags in this situation that she missed. This was a wake up call and a valuable lesson for her; thank goodness she is okay.

I have a book to recommend that she read. I asked my kids (adults now) to read it when they were younger, and frankly, I can recommend it highly to anyone and everyone. It's called "The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence" by Gavin De Becker. The book teaches you how to identify even subtle signs of danger, and how to trust your gut instincts.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835

u/gabrielsburg · 11 pointsr/martialarts

Yes, in fact, I have one coming up here at the end of March.

My class is a 4 hour crash course, so I teach primarily (edit) maiming techniques (eye gouging, biting, groin strikes, simple punching and kicking), but even more than the physical techniques the time is dominated by psychological tools such as

  • situational awareness
  • understanding manipulative behaviors
  • social behaviors
  • a little bit of legal info
  • some quick statistics

    One of the the books we (myself and the other instructors I work with) highly recommend is the Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker.

    Two things that I stress and I stress hard is that:

  • because statistically most rapes and sexual assaults are perpetrated by someone the victim knows, they MUST make the decision to injure and potentially kill someone they care about. This is not a simple decision to make.
  • and that they should not rely on other people to help them. You just don't know what other people are going to do, so you have to assume that responsibility yourself.

    Hopefully, this helps, it's just a sample of all the information I go through. If you need more info about statistics and such let me know and I can give you more details regarding what I teach.
u/Divine18 · 10 pointsr/Nanny

Good god, run.
And then read The gift of Fear

Trust your instincts/your gut. Being too careful one too many times is better than not being careful enough one time.

u/aop42 · 9 pointsr/martialarts

I would think that really important things to learn first would be proper situational awareness, and learning how to avoid things before they become problems, and learning how to run. I think a great cardio routine and the ability to put it in full gear with a sprint would be a great too. And then having the endurance to outrun your attacker. If you have to engage I think having a weapon on you (legal in your state) could even the odds, yet be sure you practice with that weapon and use it in a way where it can't be turned against you. Practice reaching for it too and pulling it out, and then be prepared to run afterwards. If you can't do that and somehow you still get taken into the fight then I would recommend BJJ, which will help you permit someone's bodyweight to go in the direction you want it to more and give you more of a fighting chance off the ground, and also Judo so you can help trip larger opponents (and then run). If you have to strike I would recommend something that has live sparring like boxing, kickboxing, or certain forms of karate, just so you get used to being hit and figure out the spacing needed for combat. Once you get used to that you'll be able to fight easier, and then run. And if you can practice going from one thing to the other, from striking to grappling. and vice-versa. Also learn to use your voice, and your posture, be assertive. Sometimes being direct but non-confrontational with people, (is there something I can do for you?) letting them know that you see them in a confident tone with direct but non threatening eye contact can let people know that you see them and maybe make them think twice.

I would recommend some books

Defensive Living: Preserving Your Personal Safety through Awareness, Attitude and Armed Action

The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence

Solo Training 2: The Martial Artist's Guide to Building the Core for Stronger, Faster, and More Effective Grappling, Kicking, and Punching (there are some great tips in here for the mental side of the game too, including tips for women)

Good luck with everything.

Also there's a great DVD set How to Defeat the Bigger Stronger Opponent with Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu

And Frank Shamrock has a good series on Defending the takedown Avoiding Takedown is Simple Part 1/3 (this one's on youtube Edit: Warning at some point there's some crackling in the right ear, be careful if you're on headphones)

Good luck!

u/Luneowl · 8 pointsr/MorbidReality

There's a book called "The Gift of Fear" that has some detailed stories of how people will act instinctively in dangerous situations and how important it is to trust those survival instincts. Sounds like what you experienced. Very good book: Gift of Fear

u/LavernicaDeLuca · 8 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

That mod must have been mistaken then. The ref= in Amazon links often confuse people because they assume that ref means referral but Amazon affiliate links have tag={insertcodehere}-20 in them. Also, watch out for people who use short links, they're often doing that to hide an affiliate link. If you have any doubt, strip a link back to just after the product number. So in the case of the link posted above, you'd strip it back to https://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/

That's a plain, direct link with no tags whatsoever.

u/addjewelry · 8 pointsr/LetsNotMeet

Everyone involved needs to go no-contact with this beast. Every time you communicate with him you are fueling his fire by giving him the attention that he desires.

A lot of people here recommend the book The Gift of Fear. I just read it. Good stuff.

u/valleyvictorian · 7 pointsr/OkCupid
u/halomomma · 7 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

The Gift of Fear is a great book that talks about exactly this! People, especially women have been conditioned from childhood that politeness trumps personal comfort/interests. This is such a good book for all women, I even got the one for parents so hopefully I can teach my kids that it's more important to be safe than polite.

u/CassandraCubed · 7 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this ordeal! :(

You may find this book helpful: The Gift of Fear.

u/wanttoplayball · 7 pointsr/UnresolvedMysteries

If you haven't already, read The Gift of Fear. The author talks about not ignoring those subconscious messages we get when our brains detect danger.

u/LynzM · 6 pointsr/SRSDiscussion

This is a great book to teach concrete skills in this sort of awareness and self-protection:

The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence

u/haytkir · 6 pointsr/Advice

First: You NEED to read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker: https://smile.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/

Second: There are so many red flags here. Listen to your instincts. There is no reason to do anything more than to tell him that you are not interested in him and to stop contacting you. If he respects you he will apologize and leave you alone. Anything else is just reinforcement that this guy is bad news. Don't try to let him down easy, don't try to be polite. Be firm and direct.

It's time to unfriend and block him on Facebook and entirely STOP responding to any messages he sends you.

u/mrrp · 6 pointsr/legaladvice

>So far you've received a few texts and a letter.

Getting a letter via USPS to your mailbox is receiving a letter. Having a letter shoved under your apartment door right after you leave the premises is not. I would take this very seriously.

Call the police. I'd suggest you have them meet you at your apartment rather than you going to the station. If this person is watching you, you want him or her to know you're taking action.

Trust your guts.

u/TheAethereal · 6 pointsr/Fitness

In no particular order:

The Gift of Fear

Meditations on Violence

Facing Violence

Verbal Judo

Surviving Armed Assaults

On Combat

The Little Black Book of Violence

Street E & E

I could probably come up with 10 more if I looked through my library.

Whichever system you decide on, the tactics in these books will be important. Reading them before choosing a school will help you know what to look for. Sadly, some self-defense school will teach things that are either not practical, or will have devastating legal consequences for you (like how to take a knife away from someone, then use it on them).

u/IBetYouveNever · 6 pointsr/sex

> if he refuses then I guess that's a pretty good clue he was gonna kill me.

Honestly? Any murderer worth his salt will accept the first invite because it's standard procedure.

Do trust your gut. There's a book called The Gift of Fear that's all about intuition and how nuanced social interactions help us pick out people with different social motivations. The trouble is that we sometimes dismiss those signs because we don't have a good vocabulary for them, or think they're weird feelings.

I recently had a close brush with an honest-to-goodness murderer and trusted my gut, found out after the fact who the guy was (he was caught and arrested a week after our interaction), and I'm SO FUCKING GLAD I went with the bold call-to-action rather than just passively tolerating his behaviors.

u/influencethis · 5 pointsr/OkCupid

Be as strict as you feel like. Trust your gut. If someone is pushing you into more contact than you think is appropriate, tell them to stop. It doesn't matter who it is or how many/few things they do before they reach it. You're the best at knowing when something isn't right.

I'd recommend reading The Gift of Fear to help you learn to trust your instincts. It's wonderful for de-programming the "girls must always be nice no matter what" mentality out of you.

u/stef_bee · 5 pointsr/politics

>I heard Machala say that his faith in Trump didn’t falter after the release of the Access Hollywood tape, which shows Trump making misogynist comments about women.

>I was so upset, I had to run out of the room to calm myself down. After a few minutes of deep breaths, I realized that he felt as strongly about his beliefs as I do about mine and I should respect him.

This is very frustrating to read. A young girl was clearly given "The Gift of Fear;" reacted strongly to a 22 year old man right in front of her defending sexual predatory behavior and assault; got physically sick from it - as she should have - and then rationalized it away.

She does not "have to respect him," because him saying that to the class clearly shows that he doesn't respect her.

u/amphetaminelogic · 5 pointsr/SRSWomen

Does she like to read? I often recommend "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. It's kind of a life changer, and lays out how to better protect yourself in a no nonsense, very clear way.

You could offer her a copy, say you thought she might like to read it since she's going to be out on her own now, and use the date rape thing as an example of why. That way, the date rape thing sneaks in while you're giving her the book, and then the advice is coming from the book, not you. If that makes sense.

u/annalatrina · 5 pointsr/exmormon

You need to get treatment for your anxiety. In healthy people, “trusting your gut” can be very helpful (especially for women and children) There is a book called The Gift of Fear that is amazing. It talks about learning to distinguish the instincts you should trust from the noise. We are frequently socialized to disregard when someone is making us uneasy, we need to pay attention to that feeling.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_OwtJBbTTJNGM0

u/RandomBanana007 · 5 pointsr/weddingplanning

Obligatory link to Gift of Fear. I know this isn't directly related to the question you're asking, but it could really help you in future situations to learn to trust your gut and protect yourself against predators, which Mike definitely is.

u/dumbfrakkery · 4 pointsr/AskReddit

It is an actual physiological response that's meant to keep us safe. The Gift of Fear is a good book on the subject.

u/Kemah · 4 pointsr/AskWomen

Been loving the responses so far! My own preferences have been changing, and I've been reading a lot more non-fiction than I used to. It has really opened the doors to a lot of books I would not have considered reading before!

On my reading list:

The Unthinkable by Amanda Ripley - this is what I'm almost finished with now. It has been a really insightful read on how little prepared society is for disasters, and the steps we should take to help fix that.

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker - I've seen this mentioned on reddit a few times and it's in the same vein as the book I'm currently reading.

Full Dark, No Stars by Stephen King

The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog by Bruce D. Perry

The Lean Startup by Eric Ries - I'm currently working in the startup industry, and have read similar books to this.

The Hard Thing About Hard Things by Ben Horowitz - same as the book above. This is currently going around my office right now so I should be reading it soon!

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk M.D. - this was recommended to me by a friend when he learned I was reading The Unthinkable and The Gift of Fear. Honestly really looking forward to reading this one!

On Killing: The Psychological Cost of Learning to Kill in War and Society


Books I'd recommend:

Blink by Malcom Gladwell - all about the subconscious mind and the clues we pick up without realizing it. Pretty sure reading this book has helped me out in weird situations.

Elon Musk: Tesla, SpaceX, and the Quest for a Fantastic Future by Ashlee Vance - amazing read about how Elon Musk works and the person he is.

The Circle by Dave Eggers - just don't watch the movie :)



u/withbutterflies · 4 pointsr/creepyPMs

I gave this advice to someone here the other day and I'll repeat it to you. You need to read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker. It is truly the most important book I've ever read. He goes over situations similar to this and how to interact with people who set off warning bells.

The biggest advice I can give you is to NOT respond to him for any reason. If he sends you 40 messages and then you respond thinking he'll go away, all you're teaching him is that it costs him 41 tries to get your attention.

I'm glad you contacted the mutual friends, but if you feel you can't trust them to understand how serious it is, unfriend them. He will manipulate people to get info.

Here is a link to the book: https://smile.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1467951740&sr=8-1&keywords=gift+of+fear+by+gavin+debecker

u/Taphophile · 4 pointsr/Atlanta

And here's my plug for "The Gift of Fear." A really great book that emphasizes why you SHOULD trust your gut.

u/kookaburra1701 · 4 pointsr/OkCupid

I was raised with similar messages: all strange men are trying to get in your pants, you can't trust them one bit, etc etc.

Funny how the people who have ACTUALLY been untrustworthy and tried to harm me were those who I knew and were close to me. In fact, some of the same people who warned me about what "all men" were like were the ones who took advantage the first chance they got.

The statistics bear out my experience - you are statistically much safer with strange men than with men you "know". You can never "know" who is safe and who isn't, you can only observe behaviors and learn which ones show disregard for other people.

Some books that really helped me because I can't afford therapy:

The Gift of Fear

In Sheep's Clothing

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Mind of Angry and Controlling Men

While I was never in a relationship with anyone abusive or manipulative, reading these books helped me identify people whom I could have become more entangled with (professionally, platonically, romantically) and steered clear and thus avoided the ensuing dumpster fires. They made me much more confident in my ability to set appropriate boundaries and recognize when my boundaries were being violated, and that it was ok for me to call an end to any situation I didn't feel comfortable in. Just the knowledge that I could and would do so made me feel more comfortable.

I don't know if my rambling was in any way helpful, but really, do seek out resources in the form of therapy or self-help books. Getting out of an ingrained and destructive mindset is NOT EASY but it is so WORTH IT.

u/samsnead10 · 3 pointsr/SelfDefense

To start, I’m going to have make certain assumptions as some pertinent information and context is lacking, so forgive me if I’m wrong, or offend.
Basic questions for you:

  1. can you just remove them from your life? (Like not hanging out with them, or at a particular location, etc) because not being there is a whole lot easier and safer than having to engage in a physical confrontation, at least in my experience.
  2. how serious is the threat? Is this person playing the tough guy? Was this a one off? And ask yourself why it’s happening? What brought it on?
  3. if the situation does escalate to a physical confrontation where you need to defend yourself from physical violence for fear of your life (read that sentence over a few times, because if you ever have to talk to the police after the fact, what. You. Say. FUCKING MATTERS!)
    My question is how far are you willing to go, now I don’t ask this for me, ask yourself this. I have found, most women don’t really, or perhaps, are scared to “hurt” the other person. Fuck that. They are trying to hurt you, your only thought should be how to end the altercation in the most efficient and quick way possible.
    Example: aggressive guy yelling in your face, your scarred. Slap both his ears with cupped hands as hard as possible to try and blow his ear drums, when he’s bent over in pain, slam his head into the wall and run to safety. Make sure your safe, call the cops and report his ass.

    Here are a couple of resources you should check out to understand things a little more.
    http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com

    https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0440508835/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1525587657&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=the+gift+of+fear&dpPl=1&dpID=51x0cj4i6yL&ref=plSrch

    https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B076KVC6C3/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1525587827&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=marc+macyoung&dpPl=1&dpID=51b47-GzWkL&ref=plSrch

    And google “Krav Maga” in your city. I found it to be one of the most efficient self defense systems around & it’s a hell of a workout.

    Hope this helps and makes sense and please, be safe, you’re worth it.
u/polarbearpuppy · 3 pointsr/creepyPMs

I want to echo everyone here and reiterate that you have NOTHING to feel guilty about or apologize for. Even through his texts, it's clear this man was trying to manipulate you. He was (very probably) lying and trying to guilt you into doing things you were clearly uncomfortable with.


Most importantly, do NOT feel bad for not recognizing this. Horrible people like this man will intentionally pick out those who are too young/too inexperienced to recognize his filth. You listened to your gut and that makes you so impressively strong and brave! Good for you. Can't say that enough. Good for you!


Also forget anyone who says you acted like you were interested. You did not lead him on in ANY sense. Human decency does not imply sexual interest.


Last thing, you absolutely need to read a book called The Gift of Fear. I know you're incredibly busy with school and your job but this is the single greatest book every woman of our generation should read. My mom made me read it before I left for college and, as a naive, young, and sweet girl like yourself, it was life-changing. Please make time for this book.

u/butterchickenz · 3 pointsr/islam

Since getting a gun isn't feasible for most people, I suggest the following (especially the sisters)

  1. Try and travel publicly in groups, especially at night. If you are in college, try and set up a buddy system.

  2. Don't walk around with your headphones in, oblivious of what is going on around you. Be aware of your surroundings.

  3. Carry pepper spray and don't be afraid to use it if you feel threatened. Certain types of knives are legal to carry, but that varies by state so check into that depending on where you live.

  4. Ladies - read the book The Gift of Fear - excellent book that talks about how to spot even subtle signs of danger before it's too late. Constantly recommended on r/TwoXChromosomes/

  5. Guys - similar to 4, read the book Left of Bang - its basically the same as Gift of Fear but more geared towards men.

u/ATOYD · 3 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

To provide an example, here's an affiliate link to the same product. You can see the extra information after the //. The x's are where an affiliate code unique to that affiliate is input.


https://www.amazon.com /Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835//ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ll1&tag=xxxxxxxxxxxxx-21&linkId=86ef58c009cc86002120eff00846c68e


However, 99% of affiliate links, especially to Amazon, are now shortened like this:

http://amzn. to/2xX3xxX

u/freshsownmoonstone · 3 pointsr/AskWomen

This book explains it so, so well; I recommend it to my friends both male and female -- not only is it useful to both genders for recognizing fear in themselves, but it's also a fantastic explanation for men who may not fully grasp the dangers that come part and parcel with being a woman, whether we're conscious of them or not. It's a great book, and actually written by a man.

u/Eragar · 3 pointsr/Showerthoughts

Jeff Cooper created a "color code" to help people in potentially dangerous situations get into a fighting mindset. The system has since been bastardized to instead represent different levels of vigilance or situational awareness to potential threats and is now in widespread use among military, law enforcement, and self defense communities.

Condition White is where most people are most of the time--completely unaware of changes in the environment around them. If you're staring at your phone, have your headphones in, or are otherwise engrossed in work or leisure you're in Condition White and you're probably gonna die if an active killer shows up.

Condition Yellow is where an alert and aware person is when they haven't detected any specific threats. You're head comes up when someone enters the room or moves into your line of sight. Condition Yellow is where you ideally want to spend most of your time.

Condition Orange is the point where you've identified something specific that might be a threat, but you aren't completely sure yet. Something unusual has caught your attention and you are now consciously paying attention to it (example would be two men entering a store late at night with masks covering their faces--not necessarily dangerous, but it very well might be) and looking for pre-attack indicators. This is the point when you'll start moving to a more tactically advantageous position (either to run or to fight). Normalcy bias will prevent many people from ever reaching Condition Orange.
Staying in Condition Orange creates burnout very quickly, and you want to identify whether or not what you noticed is actually a threat so that you can move back to Condition Yellow or escalate into Condition Red (as appropriate).

Condition Red is the point where you have confirmed an imminent threat and the object of your attention is now a potential target. You are either drawing your weapon or running the fuck away.

Some people have also added a Condition Black, which can refer to either the moment you actually attack, the aftermath of the situation, or a number of other things.

If you want to learn more about the subject I highly recommend the books The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker and On Killing by Dave Grossman.

u/Ekkisax · 3 pointsr/ProtectAndServe

No book will prepare you for law enforcement, it has to be touched, smelled, heard, and seen. If you're already a cop then the best thing you can do to be better is to be a well rounded human being and books can help with that.

Here's the recommended reading from some of the prior threads I was able to find in the sub.

  1. On Killing
  2. On Combat
  3. Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement
  4. Intro to Criminal Evidence
  5. Blue Blood
  6. 400 Things Cops Should Know
  7. Cop: A True Story
  8. [Verbal Judo] (https://www.amazon.com/Verbal-Judo-Gentle-Persuasion-Updated/dp/0062107704/)
  9. [What Cops Know] (https://www.amazon.com/What-Cops-Know-Connie-Fletcher/dp/0671750402/)
  10. [Into the Kill Zone] (https://www.amazon.com/Into-Kill-Zone-Deadly-Force/dp/0787986038/)
  11. Training at the Speed of Life
  12. Sharpening the Warrior's Edge
  13. The Gift of Fear
  14. Deadly Force Encounters
  15. The Book of Five Rings

    I've read a good portion of the above listed. I highly recommend Emotional Survival and going to see one of Gilmartin's talks if he's in your area. Below are a few of my personal suggestions.

  16. Meditations
  17. Blink - Not sure if I buy it, but interesting to think about.
  18. [Armor] (https://www.amazon.com/Armor-John-Steakley/dp/0886773687/)
  19. Iron John: A Book About Men
  20. The Dictator's Handbook: Why Bad Behavior is Almost Always Good Politics
u/Number_06 · 3 pointsr/actuallesbians

First, I'm not saying that it's either/or. However, just as there are a lot of people who mistakenly think that waving a gun around will magically make the evil go away, there are also a lot of people who mistakenly think that martial arts give them some magical advantage over anyone wielding a firearm. I'm going to assume that neither of us are subject to this kind of magical thinking.

Owning and carrying a firearm responsibly takes training and practice. Most law-abiding gun owners go to the range more than police do. We also learn the laws in our states regarding when it is legal or not legal to use a handgun in self-defense or defense of another.

Firearms work at a greater distance than martial arts. By the time someone is close enough for hand-to-hand fighting, you simply aren't going to have time to draw and fire a gun outside some very narrow circumstances. So, yes, martial arts can be useful, but they are not the be-all, end-all defense against firearms that some people like to claim. Nor are firearms the be-all, end-all defense against everything that some people like to claim, either.

Run if you can (I can't because I'm waiting for knee replacement surgery in both legs).
De-escalate if possible.
Fight or shoot as a very last resort.

My decision to get my permit and to carry was not made lightly, but three encounters I had in my taxi (when I was still capable of running) helped change my mind. You better believe I'm familiar with the laws regarding defensive gun use in my state. I also did a lot of reading about de-escalation and conflict avoidance, because even though I understand that I might someday need to shoot someone to defend myself, I'd really rather not have to. I recommend these four books:

The Art of the Con by Gary F. Cornelius;
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker;
The Little Black Book of Violence by Lawrence Kane and Kris Wilder;
Meditations on Violence by Rory Miller.

u/mikeypipes · 3 pointsr/videos

People generally advise against restraining orders for these situations. They can often very quickly turn a bad situation into a worse one. They work well against normal law-abiding citizens and for those who fear consequences. For most of the people you might want to take a restraining order out on, this gentleman for example, they've already shown they have little regard for social norms or consequences, amd don’t always fear the police, arrest, jail, prison, or even death by their own hands.

Typically what restraining orders do, especially in domestic violence cases, is escalate the situation to the next level, whereas it previously existed as an "uncomfortable" but somewhat manageable situation.

If you haven't previously come across any of this kind of stuff, I highly recommend this book. I had my sister read it when she was younger, and try to get most girlfriends to read it these days (though none have, I assume because they haven't had any trouble of this nature and it's hard for them to envision such a thing happening in the future). One of the main points of the book though is that violence can happen to anybody, but it often has signs that precede its occurrence.

u/TheRainMonster · 3 pointsr/survivorsofabuse

God I'm sorry. You didn't deserve the awful shit that happened to you.

I recently read The Gift of Fear. It should be at your local library. It's a fantastic book for breaking down exactly what the signs of violence are so that you can escape a situation early or avoid it altogether. I can't recommend it enough. I've found it much easier to relax around people when I have that information clearly defined in my consciousness.

u/bipolar-type-II · 3 pointsr/relationships

Get out now because it's escalating. Abusers don't change, so don't think you can help him. I know this thought is impossible to believe right now, but I've seen it - what happens when he tries to injure you or tries to kill you? You think I'm joking? Just go to a woman's shelter and listen to their stories - they will be pretty damn similar to what is going on with you now.

Please, for your sake, read this book ASAP - The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker - http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1323353538&sr=8-1 When you do break up with him, be prepared to have him stalk you and other violent tactics that he isn't using right now. The Gift of Fear will give you a ton of tips on how to keep the violence from escalating.

u/fibonaccicolours · 3 pointsr/TaylorSwift

I agree it looks awkward, but I think it's for security reasons. One of the best books I've ever read is "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker, who is a security consultant for celebrities, and has been responsible for preventing several assassinations. One chapter of his book talks about the ways he keeps his celebrity clients safe. Things like only brushing fingertips with the crowd make it harder for a would be attacker to grasp them by the hand and pull them in. It really changed how I view celebrity/fan interactions. I think a lot of celebrities keep their distance for safety reasons, not because they're "rude" or "cold". You can find it here if you're interested: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_GyOzDbPBWQDCR

u/quincy_leach · 3 pointsr/guns

"... not profiling these 5 gentlemen, I still made sure that my hands were free "

Two mistakes: not profiling and keeping your hands out. You addressed the first but about the second...

When they saw your hands free they likely assumed you had no weapon. If, when you saw them, you reached for a sidearm (in a pocket, in a bag, behind you) and you kept your hand there, then they would have likely considered the possibility that you were armed.

You're far too PC! It can get you killed; you need to shake off that cruft. Gavin DeBoecker has written some excellent books on this (not self-defense, but how to accept your body's warning signals).

However I must say that it is to your credit that you

  • kept your cool and answered the guy in an adult fashion, which likely caused him to see you as a real person and not as a target and
  • knew the "secret handshake". At that point, my ignorance might have killed me.
u/miz_dwarfstar · 3 pointsr/creepyPMs

Stop replying. No matter how many messages he sends you or how nasty they get, don't reply. Every time you respond you encourage him to keep coming at you with more. Even saying "I don't want to talk to you" is talking to him, and it's giving him the interaction he feeds off of. Cut him off and starve him. Document everything he sends you and file a report with the police. Also, find a copy of The Gift of Fear. It may help you.

u/legalgrl · 3 pointsr/legaladvice

Go to Amazon. Buy this book. "The Gift of Fear." Read it together with her.

It will not fix everything immediately. But it does provide an unparalleled big picture overview of stalking psychology, how to prevent it, and how to deal with it if it happens.

I've read nothing that explains it as well as this book. And nothing that provides the tools this book provides. I have given it to friends who are women and they said it changed how they handle strangers, pushy men, and people who test boundaries. It helps women protect themselves psychologically.

Reading it will be something you can do together that will help her feel like you are paying attention, that you get it, that you're in her corner, and that you want her to be mentally prepared (all of which it sounds like you are).

That stalker is a real winner winner chicken dinner. Fuck that dude.

And it goes without saying, but concealed carry classes for her, or at least Krav Maga, at the same time as reading that book.

u/wasabicupcakes · 2 pointsr/Anxiety

Read: https://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1526709004&sr=8-1&keywords=the+gift+of+fear

He talks about what we fear and what we should really fear. For example, you are much more likely to die in an auto accident on any given day and most people never give driving a second thought.

u/lastgirlonmars · 2 pointsr/AskMen

Please read the book, The Gift of Fear. It is written by a man who professionally deals with stalkers and the advice is incredible.

u/ziegfried · 2 pointsr/AskReddit

I would listen to your gut feeling. It's very important to realize that your subconscious can process a lot more information than your conscious mind can. Even if you quit the job, you can find another one -- it won't be as bad an effect on your life than if something bad connected to this guy happens.

So here are my recommendations:

  1. Keep a handwritten diary of everything this guy says or does that bothers you. Make notes of incidents that happened long ago as well.

  2. See a sexual harassment lawyer about this case, and see what he says. As soon as you file a formal sexual harassment complaint against the guy at your company, they have to respond and make the environment safer.

  3. Don't ignore the warning signs. This is a typical mistake people think -- they have some kind of warning sense, but they just ignore it b/c of low self-confidence.

    If you're sick with worry and dread, listen to your subconscious and take care of yourself. There is an excellent book called "The gift of fear" by Gavin De Becker which deals with these issues.

    What's bothering you seems not to be so much his legal status but that he's clearly not a well-balanced individual.


    You can always just open random computers at other people's desks to the megan's law page with his picture if you want to build consensus. Normally I wouldn't be for this type of "behind the back" activity but you do have to pay attention to warning signs and take care of yourself, and building consensus is a great way to help deal with this.


    Does he seem to take any kind of a personal interest in you?
u/Authentic_Power · 2 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

> The Gift of Fear by a guy called Gavin De Becker

It's a free Kindle read with Amazon Prime. Thanks!

u/whyamisosoftinthemid · 2 pointsr/AskReddit

I strongly suggest you get and read The Gift of Fear.

u/woodsbookswater · 2 pointsr/ask

There's a book you both should read from an expert on the subject -- http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835

It is THE book on dealing with a stalker and other security issues. Bottom line is Abolutely. No. Contact. with the stalker.

u/elohra_2013 · 2 pointsr/niceguys

Buy the book The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence. Highly recommend it.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_c_api_sbD8BbPSYA3ZW

u/CherryBrownies · 2 pointsr/LetsNotMeet

> I don't know about a restraining order. They've been known to make situations worse

yeah I read that oft times a restraining order sometimes will set off a violent reaction in a stalker. there's a good book about how to deal with those types of people it was called "The Gift of Fear".

https://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835

u/lambeekins · 2 pointsr/AskReddit

There is a book that shares this theory, called "The Gift of Fear."

u/GrumpyMonk5454 · 2 pointsr/preppers

I don't like the term "Greyman" but this is how I have lived my life every day since I was about 27, so 30 years now. My interpretation of grey man is simple: Don't be an asshole, don't stand out in a crowd.

While I am a huge 2nd Amendment supporter, I own many guns, I shoot almost every week - thousands of rounds per year. I rarely carry a weapon, if I am it is concealed. There are too many places I regularly go that it is not allowed and many where it is illegal or impossible to bring a weapon. I have come to realize that in my world I do not have a need for a weapon. No, I am not some badass, I am not a big guy, not imposing at all. I do however understand violence and how to avoid it but also how to use it if I have no way to escape.

I have some book recommendations for learning and implementing this philosophy:

" The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence" by Gavin De Becker

" When Violence Is the Answer: Learning How to Do What It Takes When Your Life Is at Stake" by Tim Larkin

" Escape The Wolf: A Security Handbook for Traveling Professionals" by Clinton Emerson

u/stkadria · 2 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Also, pick up The Gift of fear by Gavin de Becker sometime and read it, it's interesting and talks about how important your gut instincts are.

u/010101010101 · 2 pointsr/AskReddit

http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/stalking.html

http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835

GTFO to a women's shelter or another place he has no way to trace you.

Key quotes are:

  • At core men are afraid that women will laugh at them and women are afraid that men will kill them.
  • Policeman said "Fill in those forms and put them there and next time I look for them it will be because you have been murdered.".
u/sshutterbbug · 2 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

I just finished Gavin de Becker's "The Gift of Fear" this weekend and your post reminds me of a his chapter on people who seemingly don't let up. He references a situation in which a business owner was being harassed by a prospective biz partner, but I could totally see my Ndad's behaviors in it, as well as the usefulness of the advice he gives. De Becker basically says that the best way to deal with people and situations like this is simply not to engage at all. The person will fume and rant and persist, but if you deny them what they want -- a reaction and attention -- they eventually stop. It's an excellent read not only for how to deal with narcs, but also how to recognize and validate your own instinctual gut feelings.

u/O_Discordia · 2 pointsr/CCW

Fantastic recommendations here. I can't add much (just a couple), but I'll also summarize the "top picks" in my opinion with links:

u/delicate_flower · 2 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

To the OP... and every other person reading this thread....

Please go out today and get a copy of Gavin de Becker's book, "The Gift of Fear".

The information in that book is as valuable as any strike or self-defense technique. Maybe more.

  • The other book that should be required reading for anyone interested in staying alive in a worst-case scenario is "Strong of Defense".

    Get those books today and read them.

    OP, as far as your anxiety and paranoia, they are completely normal and expected. These feelings will likely fade pretty quickly. I might also suggest you look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for some practical strategies you can use to help you cope and conquer.

    I wish you well.
u/buster_boo · 1 pointr/Random_Acts_Of_Amazon

This is maybe a little more "self helpy" than you are wanting, but I think everyone on this planet should read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker

u/Nitron · 1 pointr/pics

For more on this subject, see The Gift of Fear.

u/vpohode · 1 pointr/AskReddit

This is a great book about the Gift of Fear. Your whole body was in alarm mode and you need to pay attention to it. As he is a late bloomer, at best he is just clueless and was hoping you'd be interested as well and is just awkward. At worst... well, most rapes are done by people the victim know.

Don't ever be alone with him, and, honestly, I'd tell you to tell some adult about this. If you are close to your parents, speak with them. Otherwise someone else. Then if you ever find yourself in a bad situation, you can tell him honestly that you have already spoken about his behavior to XYZ and will start screaming soon. OR, as the book will tell you to do, run.

u/SnarkSnout · 1 pointr/TwoXChromosomes

Before getting a restraining order, do read that book I recommended in the last thread that discusses how to handle crazies and stalkers. Restraining orders often serve to escalate the harassment and increase the potential of violence in stalker situations. I'm not saying don't consider a restraining order, just have all the facts before you take that step.

I'm still frankly disappointed that your manager is going to try and reason with a nutcase to adjust his behavior. It will only make things worse for you. Why is she giving him a chance to keep coming back to the store? There should be no option of "be nice or don't play in our sandbox" - he's used up his chances and should be asked to leave the next time he comes into the store.

PS - here's the link to that book on Amazon. If you have a Kindle it costs a bit over 6 bucks: http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1426322604&sr=8-1&keywords=the+gift+of+fear

u/fisheye32 · 1 pointr/AskWomen
u/billin · 1 pointr/kungfu

Self defense is another hornet's nest, where everyone seems to have a different opinion on what "self defense" entails. Is it being able to beat someone in a straight-up 1-on-1 fight? Is it simply being able to do enough damage to escape? Does it entail multiple attackers? Is it being able to fight yourself out of any and all situations? Or is it the ability to simply run as fast as you can? Browse /r/martialarts any day of the week and chances are you'll see a thread arguing about what constitutes "self defense."

If your focus is solely on the idea of self defense, I would highly recommend two books: The Gift of Fear, which talks about recognizing situations and signals that a situation is going to turn bad, and Meditations on Violence, which talks about the different kinds of violence and how martial arts training fares in real-life situations. Both are excellent reads and extremely enlightening.

u/pixis-4950 · 1 pointr/doublespeaklockstep

LynzM wrote:

This is a great book to teach concrete skills in this sort of awareness and self-protection:

The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence

u/jimburrwell · 1 pointr/NarcissisticAbuse

This is an awesome book you should read. I personally think everyone should read it, because it covers every day life skills relating to personal safety.

u/viceywicey · 1 pointr/AskMen

I would recommend checking out this book - The Gift of Fear.

u/tgeliot · 1 pointr/AskReddit

There's an excellent book by a guy with decades of experience managing this kind of thing professionally. I strongly suggest you read it. Some of his advice is counter-intuitive, but convincing when explained. The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker

u/sampaulson · 1 pointr/AskReddit

This is little consolation in light of these unspeakable events, but I just wanted to recommend a book to anyone who either knows a victim or might find themselves being victimized sometimes. I used what I learned in this book to save my own ass when two guys wouldn't let me off the subway late at night in NYC and it worked. I think it should be required reading for just about everyone.

The Gift of Fear

u/Nodosaur22 · 1 pointr/TwoXChromosomes

I want to say so many things but I feel like it's better to just beg you to read the book "Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker. I also encourage you to put your restraining order goals on hold until you hopefully read the book. You can skip chapters to what is relevant if you want.

Hope this link works, Im on my phone: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_fdbQBbPAGGSYP

I genuinely hope this helps!

u/here-to-jerk-off · 1 pointr/television

This is actually more dangerous than helpful to you. It was part of a case study in "The Gift of Fear"

u/kitcat_kittycat · 1 pointr/TwoXChromosomes

There is a really great book related to this topic called The Gift of Fear. It covers protecting yourself from this kind of behavior. I am so sorry you're going through this and the law offers so little protection from this particular variety of creep.

u/lukipedia · 1 pointr/UTAustin

I hear you. Remember, though, that a gun is a tool like any other, and there are only certain situations it can help you out of.*

The single most important and effective defense mechanism to keep you safe is your brain. Your behaviors, your situational awareness, and your body language all contribute to your likelihood of making yourself a target. Some things are obvious—don't walk alone at night; favor well-lit, busy areas; don't walk while using a phone or while using headphones—but there are plenty of smaller, subtler actions you can take that add up to you being more challenging prey.

Some examples:

  • Have your house keys in hand before you get out of the car to minimize the amount of time you're outside and distracted.
  • Develop good relationships with your neighbors and learn their habits and patterns (they'll look out for you, and you'll notice more quickly when something's out of place).
  • Walk confidently and acknowledge other people without staring.
  • Whenever entering a new environment, learn to quickly get the lay of the land: What kind of people are here? Where are the exits? What obstacles would I encounter if I had to get out or take shelter?

    The most essential thing you can do to protect yourself—and your friends, and your girlfriend, and your family, and whomever—is cultivate an incredibly strong sense of situational awareness. When you can see and feel what is happening around you, when you notice subtle shifts in behavior, when the energy in a room suddenly changes, you can anticipate things and react before they happen. That's how you save yourself from bad situations: by not getting into them in the first place. Train your gut and listen to it. If the current situation feels bad, get out. Worst case is you're wrong, but you're no longer suffering in a situation that feels uncomfortable; best case is your gut was right and that you're not dead.

    There's a whole host of interesting books—many written in response to lessons learned after almost two decades of combat operations in Iraq and Afghanistan—that can help you develop that mindset.

    *Side note: there are other tools you can use, too, to make yourself a more difficult target. My favorite is a really bright flashlight. Few criminals want to be easily identified, and getting a face full of bright, white light is a big (and painful) deterrent, especially at night. There are even some—like the Surefire E1D and E2D—that have serrations to make them more effective for striking. I carry a Surefire EB1 in my pocket and a G2X LE in my bag every day. You wouldn't believe how handy a flashlight is day-to-day ("shit, dropped my phone under the car seat again"), and having the ability to check a dark alley or the space between my car and the one next to mine is great for maintaining that situational awareness.
u/scuba_paul · 1 pointr/videos

Training and drilling certainly help, but when a person is placed in that situation, he will either go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. You can work with that though. Check out Just 2 Seconds and The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker if you're interested in that sort of stuff.

u/retardsan · 1 pointr/LifeProTips

The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_ARrDxbCEYHSG1

u/goodshipvenus · 1 pointr/AskReddit

Whilst you may not have much money, this book would be the best read anybody in this situation could have.

http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1309731262&sr=1-1

It really breaks down threats, and the behaviours we should look for and use to predict others future actions.

u/noodly_appendage · 1 pointr/AskReddit

Read The Gift of Fear. It's basically about trusting your intuition when dealing with people likely to harm you. Creepy, but kind of a valuable read, especially in this situation. I read it after seeing it come up in some other Reddit thread of stories about "letting crazy stick his dick in you."

So, if you feel that you/your mom's life is in danger, it probably is, and she should probably try to disappear, because your dad will never change, and is apparently dangerous. No useful personal experience here though. Good luck, and sorry this situation sucks so bad.

u/diggcalledtheymissu · 1 pointr/AskReddit

Having a lost little girl follow you in a store ~is~ creepy.

Finding a store employee to help the girl, not so creepy.

For parents on reddit - Gavin de Becker
(http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1314232989&sr=8-1)
says to tell your kids to look for moms+kids when they get lost, not the police. Kids think security guards are the police and some have questionable backgrounds.