Reddit reviews The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships

You're a very insightful 20 year old.

You're dealing with insecurities rooted in traditional monogamous experience and social expectations. What you're feeling is perfectly reasonable and within your rights to feel.

Don't beat yourself up. You're doing a great job.

For some advice:

First, I'd love for you to ask him to read this post so he understands your feelings exactly and concisely. It will help you with whatever adjustments to the relationship the two of you discuss, if any. You're very well reasoned and articulate and approaching your relationship so pragmatically and thinking about ending it because of these feelings that are absolutely challenging to feel. It would be a disservice to him as your partner if he didn't know you were having such difficulty. He sounds like he's been in the lifestyle for a while and may have forgotten that this is a new thing for you and that it takes practice to do it right and that he may not be as supportive or considerate of your varying levels of experience as he could be. Either way, I think that he deserves to know all of this verbatim.

He may be able to comfort you and reassure SOME of your fears. What he CAN'T do is be be held responsible for your feelings or be expected change his behaviors to placate your insecurities, which are your feelings to either get over or to remove from this relationship by leaving it.

Think for a moment though. If you have a monogamous partner in the future and they tell you that a stranger is attractive, you'll likely have the same reaction. In both scenarios, you have an honest partner being authentic to themselves and trusting sufficiently in your relationship to share their thoughts with you about their completely natural human physical attractions. But you're uncomfortable enough that you'd rather be lied to, or for these partners to hide something from you to protect your emotions. Would you rather have a transparent relationship with an honest partner in either poly or mono, and be secure enough to know that their attraction to others does not invalidate their attraction to you, or remain ignorant of their true feelings and just cross your fingers to hope your insecurities are never brought out into view?

Truth be told, learning about how to address insecurities like the ones you've mentioned is such a valuable set of skills whether you're going to remain in this poly relationship or find happiness with monogamy that it's worth your time investment. It's just going to lead to a happier you.

The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships https://www.amazon.com/dp/0937609633/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_aBmtyb1641RQR can help and is a valuable use of your time and money. While you're not with him and feeling a little hard or down on yourself, use it to grow and strengthen your skill set so that you can truly understand why you feel the way you are feeling and to make the experience much easier to bare.


I'd take a read through this particularly specific page on the More Than Two site. Read it yourself. Share it with him the next time you're together when he reads your post. It will give you both some perspective and goals to strive for in the future of your relationship in order to be better partners.

https://www.morethantwo.com/bridgingthedivide.html

And lastly, imagine you've been together for a while and that this guy came out to you as poly. You'd probably feel a lot of the same things even if you loved and supported him chasing his passion and happiness. Now that you're in that slightly different but not so different state of mind, read this bit here to give yourself some credit and to understand that you're not the only person who's ever felt like this. It will help you with unlearning the deeply rooted expectations of how relationships are supposed to work and help you with a perspective that lends to better understanding of the cause of your insecurities, which may be enough to help you dismiss them as irrational worries when they pop into your mind. https://www.morethantwo.com/polyformonogamouspeople.html

Good luck out there.

>I've found it hard to sleep until she's home.

This is pretty standard and gets easier after some time.

If you're having trouble sleeping because you can't stop thinking about what she's up to, the Jealousy Workbook is helpful to pinpoint what exactly is causing you distress and then re-contextualize it and help you move past it.

>So far, it's been surprisingly lonely being by myself when she's out

As for stuff to do, I mean, the sky's the limit. I decided to cut the fuck loose. I love to meet new people, so I just went out. I went to sex parties, burlesque shows, poly community social events, got involved with local politics, discovered all the cool local dive bars, joined a bar trivia team, and so many other things. I discovered so much of what the world had to offer and really fucking lived like I hadn't since college.

>So far, she has been waaay more successful than I have.

My wife basically immediately found a partner that she fell for, so she was out pretty consistently. I think I went on... 3 dates in the first 6 months? I was very envious of her situation, as I was mostly just hooking up with random people at bars and parties and that's so draining after a while. I had to learn not to compare and just accept that she was going to bone more than me, haha. I mean... she's hot, so why wouldn't she?

Eventually, I found a groove, discovered the things I actually enjoyed doing and slowed down a little bit. I got comfortable. She'd go out and I'd be just fine, either doing something fun or hanging with friends or doing nothing at all. Around that point, all the connections I made and new people I had met eventually led me to find (another) really satisfying and intimate relationship with a lovely woman as well as a fun unicorn situation with a cute young couple. My wife and I are closer than ever and we've figured out new, better, ways to communicate and problem solve and be self-reflective.

She's right you know - if you don't trust her judgement when she thinks it is sound, that is about you and her. Assuming this dude is not a physical danger to her, the rest is on her to manage. (Not that emotional abuse isn't possible and harmful, but emotionally abused people can read ever so many articles and still say "oh how horrible for those poor people!" Trust me, don't even go there. If the relationship is bad for her, her platonic friends are telling her all about it, and they are the ones she might hear.)

You sound like you're working on it, though, which is great. I'm a basically non jealous person but I found the jealousy workbook helpful for understanding others and a great description of some of my negative feelings.

You might want to check out the following resources:

https://www.amazon.com/Jealousy-Workbook-Exercises-Insights-Relationships/dp/0937609633

https://www.amazon.com/JEALOUSY-SURVIVAL-GUIDE-secure-relationship-ebook/dp/B075ZN3YCC/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1519216854&sr=1-1&keywords=the+jealousy+survival+guide

https://www.amazon.com/Polyamory-Jealousy-More-Essentials-Guide-ebook/dp/B01E0L4DAM/ref=pd_sim_351_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=J1F12H2VHG1SFKSCKVTS

Also, it's possible that in the long run you are just not suited to polyamory. I'd recommend giving it 6-12 months and working on it, but if you're still miserable in a year then I think you should cut your losses and find someone mono. I'd recommend this article: http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/01/07/you-dont-have-to-do-it/

You could check out the jealousy workbook.

This is well worth the $20, whether or not you decide to try poly.

For me personally a lot of the assumptions that came with monogamy (eg my partner having feelings for someone else is because they are better in some way than me) actually made me more jealous, not less. Wanting to be poly made me unpack a lot of the unconscious assumptions I made about love and possession of people, and that helped a ton with my feelings of jealousy and uncertainty.

I think trying to work out exactly what you're feeling scared of when you're jealous, and what assumptions might underlay those feelings, is well worth the effort and discomfort even if you decide to stay monogamous. Feeling insecure feels shitty.

I also think it's well worth talking to your gf and explaining that you accept and understand that she desires what she does, even if it isn't on the table right now. If you're making an effort to work on yourself let her know. Talking to her about how she feels about poly, and why, might give you some ideas about where her experience of feeling attraction to others differs from your own assumptions about it.

Many folks over on r/polyamory sing the praises of The Jealousy Workbook: https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0937609633/

Also, this is that jealously workbook.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0937609633?psc=1&ref=yo_pop_mb_pd_title

It's actually very helpful to identify what's causing your jealously and how to address it. Especially for new poly people. <3 best of luck OP! Your desire to work on yourself is admirable!

You are great. It's not that common being self aware.

This is also the first step to change for the better. What I mean by that is that there are many techniques of positive discussion of disagreements. If your emotions get the best of you, take a pen and paper, or a laptop - and write. The beauty of it, is that writing is slower than thinking, so you can analyze more before your partner sees your thoughts.

You can also use positive communication skills like swapping "you don't care for me" into "I feel that I don't get enough caring from you" etc.

You can look online for positive communication, positive conflict resolutions etc.

Also - as funny as it was in "How I met your mother", the "Pause" technique used by Marshal and Lily actually works good for me and my partner. If you never saw it, they essentially have the power to say "pause" during an argument, if it gets too heated. They will come back to it later when they feel better calmer. Side note: they used the pause time for sex :)

If you think you might be demi, you might be more interested in having more meaningful connections with men (and women?) before jumping in the bed. Almost developing friendships. You can also check "relationship anarchy" term, which might or might not be interesting to you.

On a personal note, I'm also more introvert, and I like it actually. I like keeping my circles small, and much more into passive nonmonogamy (not actively looking for new partners). This probably will change in a few months, because I'm having some changes in my life, but you can be perfectly content with slow burn relationships.

Let me give you a few resources:

https://www.morethantwo.com/jealousy-insecurity.html - This is probably (one of) the best site(s) to start any research in the nonmonogamous world.

The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships

A comment of mine for a jealous person (male, but it really doesn't matter): https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/comments/6q62j1/entering_into_my_first_nonmonogamous_relationship/dkzkwlo/

It is tailored towards individuals in open relationships but it is geared towards jealousy.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Jealousy-Workbook-Exercises-Insights-Relationships/dp/0937609633/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1WJ6QY52QMMUB&keywords=jealousy+workbook&qid=1569160824&sprefix=jealousy+work%2Cundefined%2C209&sr=8-1

So at some point one of you has to be brave enough and change this situation, and I bet your SO is too comfortable (although secretly fearful) to do jack squat.

Now, you can wait til all the kids are "old enough" and leave then (an older, bitterer woman). Or you can tell him you're not going to abandon him & your relationship, and you accept that sex is not important to him in the same way it matters to you. Tell him you will be home late on Saturday night because you're going on a sex date, and he shouldn't wait up.

There is of course a chance that his first thought will be to "leave." But really, with you acting as mother to 3 kids, including his kid, this is not so likely. What's more likely is he'll have to actually face his responsibility to you, whether that's to sex you or to learn to be happy that you're happily sexing someone else . He doesn't see you as an autonomously desirable woman, but a bit as property/ furniture. You'll keep gathering dust if you don't shake off this indecision/fear.
EDIT: there's a workbook for working through jealousy: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0937609633/ref=pd_aw_sims_3?pi=SL500_SY115

I don't have any great advice, just wanted to offer my sympathy and support. I was in your position and broke up our two-year triad about six months ago. (In case you want to "sympathy read", you can find out more here: http://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/2zak2k/i_f_broke_up_our_triad_need_advice/)

It was difficult before as a triad, and continues to be really difficult in many ways as a V because of scheduling, but I'm hanging in there.

One resource that might help is the Jealousy Workbook. Don't just buy and read it, though. Make yourself do the exercises. Maybe buy a little notebook or something and decorate it, specifically for that purpose. http://www.amazon.com/The-Jealousy-Workbook-Exercises-Relationships/dp/0937609633

It's not just about how to deal with "jealousy" but also talks about how to communicate with your partner about these types of issues, AND it gives a LOT of supporting examples.

hugs

Whups, I thought I was on a different ENM subreddit anyways, sorry.

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory: Everything You Need to Know About Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Alternative Love

The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships

The Polyamory Toolkit: A Guidebook for Polyamorous Relationships

Building Open Relationships: Your hands on guide to swinging, polyamory, and beyond!

> I don’t think I would because I can’t stand the thought of my partner doing the same.

The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships https://www.amazon.com/dp/0937609633/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_OpXXDb3KJ93FA

It's normal to experience jealousy in open relationships, and it's something you can work on. This book is frequently recommended in /r/polyamory.

I second the suggestion to try dating other trans people. For whatever reason, a lot of us do poly / open relationships.

If that's something that you are considering doing with him, you might also want to check out The Jealousy Workbook. I've heard that it can be helpful in preparing for and heading off issues before they happen.

I haven't used this myself, but: https://www.amazon.com/Jealousy-Workbook-Exercises-Insights-Relationships/dp/0937609633

I highly recommend the Jealousy Workbook. It helped me immensely with sorting out what my jealousy was representing, as well as working through scenarios that trigger it.

You may have come across a lot of these yourself, but I thought I'd link them anyway, just in case. They all have a lot of good information on them. I beleive there's a few mini documentaries and things on YouTube, too.

http://polyliving.net/other-polamory-sites/

http://www.polyinfo.org/

https://www.morethantwo.com/ (the author of this site has also written a book which I've not read, but heard good things about.)

http://www.lovemore.com/polyamory/

http://www.polyfamilies.com/polysecondary.html

I hope these help!

Also, I beleive this is the book everyone talks about!

https://www.amazon.com/Jealousy-Workbook-Exercises-Insights-Relationships/dp/0937609633/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1524849380&sr=8-1&keywords=jealousy+workbook&dpID=41YhvGXS7FL&preST=_SX218_BO1,204,203,200_QL40_&dpSrc=srch

I really like The Jealousy Workbook. It's focused on helping people manage the anxiety that some people experience in open relationships. I found it more helpful than any of the other books people typically recommend.

Get this book, it really helps: Jealousy workbook

Source: I was you at one point

Not sure if this is what you are looking for but the The Jealousy Workbook is often recommended here.

https://www.amazon.com/Jealousy-Workbook-Exercises-Insights-Relationships/dp/0937609633
Jealousy Workbook. Jealousy is your issue, not necessarily his.