Reddit reviews The New Bottoming Book

Read these books. I've always been a relatively vanilla guy, and had a minor freakout when the girl I was dating told me she was into BDSM. These books gave me a lot of insight into the community, and why people enjoy the play they enjoy.

Spoiler alert - I wifed the fuck out of that girl.

When Someone you Love is Kinky

The New Topping Book

The New Bottoming Book

It's important to read both the topping and bottoming books, regardless of which role you think you'll play. If your gf is not experienced in BDSM, read them together. Discuss.

I liked both of these books
The link is to the bottoming book and there is a topping book as well.
They cover the same ground but with a different focus.
I found the exploring of the 'why' the most useful. Why do we want to dominate or submit.

It's very exciting, isn't it? It's almost NRE (New Relationship Energy) to begin a relationship anew. I've been through the same journey - most of us here have. If someone had told me a year ago that I like pain, I'd have thought them bonkers - now I love it.

The first thing to say is that no activity, consented to by informed adults, causing no permanent harm, is the business of anyone else other than you and your partner. There's no need for fear or shame. Also that spanking is, frankly, extremely, extremely common among non-scene people. It's entirely normal.

There's a saying "It's only kinky the first time". You might even find that after a month, or 20 years, of introducing spanking into your love life, that you turn round one day and go "Meh, we've done that now". And it won't even seem kinky.

As long as you communicate your needs to your partner, and he's happy to do this with you, then just go for it.

If you want to look further into BDSM as a sub, you might find The New Bottoming Book helpful, and The Submissive Guide - (a massive resource, generally) also has lots of good info on spanking.

There are lots of ways to be spanked, either simply for the enjoyment of pain, or for the eroticism. Obviously there's the option of feeling totally out of control and in pleasant agony from heavy, irregular spanking. But for some women, a constant, unchanging, medium-intensity spank for a long period low on the buttocks can bring orgasm from the impact alone.

Dossie Easton (who wrote The Ethical Slut) and Janet Hardy put out a series of books on topping and bottoming that, along with Jay Wiseman's S&M 101 really guide the beginner through a lot of pertinent questions such as these. What I really appreciate about Easton and Hardy is how broadly they define the emotional energy we play with.

They talk about people who enjoy elaborate scenes that involve slicing their partner's clothes off with a straight razor and having amazing sex, and also a couple that just enjoys riding roller coasters and gets an extra zing by making out afterward. It's been debated round and round what exactly it is that we're playing with here. Whether sexuality is something entirely essential and unchanging or if it is a purely social construction, and over course many flavors in between.

Ok, that's better.

First, don't put too much weight on yourself. The fact that she cannot have an orgasm with you right now doesn't necessarily mean that you suck (ha !) at sex. That's what i feel from your post, so don't. Maybe she's not too sure about her fantasies, feel guilty of having those, or anything. From what i know of woman, if you put some guilt, self doubt, image issue whatever in the mix, and you can block the whole thing. So be supportive, listen to her, reassure her but you need to relax on her inability to orgasm yet. Most of the time, trust and comfort will help her relax and be more in sync with you. Maybe some woman could give you more insight on that point.

For the mental part. Think of BDSM like a play with characters. Imagine the man who symbolize for you the ideal dominant (mine is robert downey jr by example) and take that as a role model. What would he do, what would he say, his posture, his look etc ... BDSM is a lot about how you project things and how other perceive that. So first rule, if you doubt of your dominance, other will feel it. When a dom order his sub, he doesn't let her have any other choice but to obey. What can helps you with that (at least it helped me) is think one move ahead, you'll seem assertive because your order will feel like one small part of something bigger. Imagine a boss telling you to finish the report for Monday and put it on his desk first hour. There is no negotiation, and doesn't have any interest in the fact you have tennis that day, the only thing he cares about is if you understood correctly what he wants. Some wisdom from the joker "Nobody panics when things go according to plan. Even if the plan is horrifying". Basically, if you seems to know what you do, people who trust you will follow. Be casual when you order your sub around, screaming sound like overcompensation when people don't listen to you. When I order my sub around, i talk slowly and calmly. I know that' she's listening, so i just explain to her what's going to happen.

Now for the expectation part. I was in the same place as you some years ago. My sub was very experienced (several years with a Master with decades of experience) and I was very inexperienced. First step, accept that you're inexperienced. You're not broken or whatever, you just don't know yet. It's ok. If you have a good communication, she already know that maybe you'll be awkward, clumsy, breaking character the first time, again it's ok. Don't worry about it. Things became awkward when you let them be awkward. One time i remember, i was pouring hot wax on her, all domy and stuff, I move her on the table to change position, and i put the candle on the table. The only thing that could have happened, happened. The candle fell on my foot, and you bet your ass I screamed and run like a little girl across the room... I was just surprised and honestly lots of anxiety didn't help. We stopped, had a good laugh, a good fuck and just went to sleep. Did that event hurt in any way our relationship ? Not at all, actually it's good and fun memories. So don't worry, screwing up isn't an option, what you can choose is how you decide to own your mistakes. Furthermore, you have to remember that we talk about sexual stuff here, sex is fun, if you don't have fun, you're doing something wrong.

i can guarantee you that a simple slap across the face (again discuss that before) or a simple over the knee spanking with the right attitude, look, voice and all will have ten times more effects than trying to act a very complex suspension scene you're not familiar with. So stay "in your league" and advance slowly, one step at the time. Going slow will also allow you to build a dominant character because it doesn't happen overnight. What makes all the BDSM plays possible can be reduced at how credible your character is. There are lots of dom archetypes, some are nice, some are mean, other have high protocol, other are more casual, some are more physical, other more mental and psychological. You need to find the one you want to be, and start to act (in play of course) like him. Your final dynamic is the mix of your wants and her needs and wants. There is no two person on earth who will enjoy an identical set of kinks. Just imagine, a checklist have hundred of entry each can be noted from 0 to 5 for how much you enjoy it and 0 to 5 for how difficult is that for you. That's an infinite amount of possible combinations. So every relationship need to negotiate all the time, to find a common ground. That's why we value communication so much and advice new comers to first establish an open, clear and non judgmental like of communication. Lots of people think they have an unbiased and perfect communication, but when you think that's the case, it's just the start really. Those level of communication need a very high level of trust in your partner.

To summarize :

• Talk to her, never assume
  
• Accept that you're learning
  
• Relax on her inability to cum with you. You'll see how that goes when you introduce new concept in your relationship with her.
  
• Spank that ass with your hand and your mind ! =)
  
  Now some homework !
  
  Read that. Maybe not especially for you but i give the link to all new dom, so ...
  
  BDSM checklist for her. Something that could help with shy people is make them write a fantasy. Writing can help express thing you cannot say out loud (for your con non-con suspicion)
  
  There are several books linked in the resource section of /r/bdsmfaq . Screw the roses, send me the thorns is one of my favorite.
  
  For the mental aspect, you can read the Control Book by Masters. Also the New topping (and bottoming) book. In terms of books about psychological aspect of BDSM you have a very wide range of available book because you can learn from dog traning book to old "Good wife guide" kind of book (for 50's household), field manual for prisoners interrogation (i'm into interrogation play). Magic tricks book (for mindfuck). It really depends on what play you're interested in.
  
  Take care, and have fun.

The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy is an excellent resource.

Try the following books both by dossie easton - helped me out a lot many years ago when I was trying to work out what really made me tick. The bottoming book and the topping book. They aren't full on bdsm books and might help you kickstart a few good conversations. (being in charge is called domination or also Domming or topping, being on the other end is subservience or bottoming).

http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-New-Bottoming-Book-ebook/dp/B005HZ6GGU/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1369496725&sr=8-1&keywords=the+bottoming+book

http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-New-Topping-Book-ebook/dp/B006T2ULTI/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1369496857&sr=1-1&keywords=the+topping+book

edited: punctuation

Sounds hot :)

(I'm sorry if you've already found this information. Just trying to give you some tips I received when I started experimenting more with BDSM.) If you're researching, you might want to check out some of Dossie Eaton and Janet W. Hardy's (old pseudonym is Catherine Listz) books. The Ethical Slut focuses on Poly, but it has a lot of good info about communication that's pretty applicable to all forms of kink and any other relationships. Both the New Bottoming Book and the New Topping Book are awesome. SM101 by Jay Wiseman is a great read too. These helped me a lot with navigating communication, wants, and needs.

Can I suggest you check out https://www.amazon.com/New-Bottoming-Book-Dossie-Easton-ebook/dp/B005HZ6GGU and if you are into rope https://www.amazon.com/Little-Guide-Getting-Tied-Up/dp/1500771686/ref=sr_1_cc_1?s=aps&ie=UTF8&qid=1480560405&sr=1-1-catcorr&keywords=guide+to+getting+tied+up

And as for them existing.. oh hell yeah!! I often teach a them

Depends where you live..

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/snowbound-2017-tickets-28256108782?ref=estw

http://darkodyssey.com/

http://ropecraft.net/

And many more around US and rest of world

Glad you found it helpful!

Honest open communication, safewords and aftercare sound like a really smart place to start! Well done.

A few other things to check out --

https://mojoupgrade.com/ is a quiz you can each take, to help you discover new elements of kink that you're both interested in or open to. Really good way to get the communication flowing.

https://bdsmtest.org/ is a little different, it's more of a tool for self-understanding, helping you to more clearly articulate what elements of kink each of you responds to best.

This is a great thread of simple ways to be dominant for beginners, and I think you'd find it helpful.

When you're ready for more learning, these two sites are really awesome resources for more detailed info:

https://www.xruniversity.com/ (free and great!)

https://www.kinkacademy.com/ (some free stuff, some paid content, all great!)

I also really like The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book -- obviously, you'd want to start with the topping side, but I think there's a lot to learn from reading both books eventually.

You mentioned he's into light bondage -- if you want to learn more about rope bondage, you can find a post I made with some resources on that front here.

Good luck, and don't be a stranger!