Reddit reviews The Primal Teen: What the New Discoveries about the Teenage Brain Tell Us about Our Kids

I've taught middle school and high school. 14 year-old boys (and girls too) do all kinds of stupid shit. Normal human beings know that tide-pods aren't food, or so you would think. Normal human beings know that you shouldn't jump off your roof into a shallow pool. Adolescents are wired to question the conventional wisdom and take risks. They will often do this even if they have good guidance and relations with their parents. And if they don't then it is almost guaranteed.

Here's a good book about that:

https://www.amazon.com/Primal-Teen-Discoveries-about-Teenage/dp/0385721609

Radicalization of young males is a problem that society needs to address. We can't trust that kids will apply common sense and reject these hateful communities. That may be disappointing, but it's true.

> I insist on getting the school side of his life right, I am not compromising there.

By the time a child is a teen, they should already know how to take responsibility for their academics. If you still need to hound him about schoolwork, that's not good. It's not your role to do that. Enlist the school, see if they have academic support classes that can teach him how to be more organized. Insist he (NOT you) talk to his guidance counselor; perhaps he's in classes that are beyond his aptitude level. If it's a lack of being challenged, his counselor can help get him into more demanding courses. Or, encourage him to look into courses of study outside of what is offered in the school. Find something that makes him excited and motivated. Learning isn't all done in a classroom.

Important here is that he takes the initiative. You can coach and nudge, but resist the urge to do it all for him. If he's only a few short years from going to college, he's going to need to know how to do this on his own, because you won't be there. I know (based on what you wrote elsewhere) you want to be there, but you shouldn't be holding his hand in college. You shouldn't be holding his hand now!!

You need to let go, let him fall down and make his mistakes and learn from them. It's not the end of the world if he gets lousy grades in high school. It's normal to think that, but it's simply not true. He's got an entire lifetime to get his act together.

I will share that two of the most successful people I know nearly flunked out of high school. Okay, one was a solid D student. The other actually did flunk out. The D student (my sister) went to community college, got her act together, graduated a solid C student... then went on to a career in sales where she makes $300K. She excels in sales - she does not excel in classroom learning. The other person flunked out, spent a few years floundering around, decided to change her life, went back for her GED, worked part-time jobs while sending herself through college over a period of years, and now is also in sales, making $300K.

Then there's story after story of computer whizzes who don't go to college but found start-up companies.....

> What's more I need to push him to go out more and meet more of his peers and I do it, because he'd turn into a hermit (computer addicted hermit) if I let him.

What you are doing here is telling him there's something "wrong" with his personality that needs to be "fixed." Your job as his mother is to accept him as he is. It's possible he's an introvert. It's possible all these "peers" are into drugs, and he wants no part of it. You just don't know.

It's also possible that home is where he recharges his batteries, and he's completely different outside of the house. My youngest (16) is like this. When she's home, you can't get her off the computer, t.v., or her nose out of a book. She withdraws completely, and acts grumpy and hermit-like. But when she's out of the house, she is ON - an extreme extrovert, chatterbug, go-go-go!! She tells me that when she comes home, she just wants to unplug and relax...

I highly recommend this book to you:

http://www.amazon.com/Life-First-Could-Drive-Cheryl/dp/0374528535

as well as this one:

http://www.amazon.com/Primal-Teen-Discoveries-about-Teenage/dp/0385721609

One more anecdote I'll share, about my oldest, nearly 18 now. She has her first job this summer, as a camp counselor with small children (age 5 and 6). I was very concerned about this, because at home, she is irresponsible, easily distracted, daydreams a lot, and doesn't seem to like children at all. She has a half-sister and she doesn't get down on the floor and play with her. If the house was burning down around her ears, she'd never notice... etc, etc...

Guess what? The camp is reporting that she is the BEST counselor they've ever had!! That the children all adore her. That she's attentive, responsible, etc, etc.... they even gave her extended hours! Complete surprise to us....

But, not really. This is the way it is with teens. You get the bad side at home - because it's safe for them to be bad, to regress. Meanwhile, they are completely different outside of the house. They are busy making you proud. You cannot judge how your son acts at home, as how he acts outside of the home.