Reddit Reddit reviews The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

We found 29 Reddit comments about The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.

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Healthy Relationships
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work A Practical Guide from the Country s Foremost Relationship Expert
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29 Reddit comments about The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert:

u/grumpieroldman · 30 pointsr/AskMen

There's a ton of studies; typically they are done in the context of trying to figure out more effective marriage therapy.
The first interesting thing you learn is that about 50% of marriages deal with infidelity and in about 50% of cases the couple stays together and their marriage gets better.
Well maybe the first thing you learn is that deadbedroom is surprisingly pretty evenly split between men and women ... which adds up with the infidelity rates.

Start here

u/1nfiniterealities · 28 pointsr/socialwork

Texts and Reference Books

Days in the Lives of Social Workers


Child Development, Third Edition: A Practitioner's Guide

Racial and Ethnic Groups

Social Work Documentation: A Guide to Strengthening Your Case Recording

Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond

[Thoughts and Feelings: Taking Control of Your Moods and Your Life]

Interpersonal Process in Therapy: An Integrative Model

[The Clinical Assessment Workbook: Balancing Strengths and Differential Diagnosis]

Helping Abused and Traumatized Children

Essential Research Methods for Social Work

Navigating Human Service Organizations

Privilege: A Reader

Play Therapy with Children in Crisis

The Color of Hope: People of Color Mental Health Narratives

The School Counseling and School Social Work Treatment Planner

Streets of Hope : The Fall and Rise of an Urban Neighborhood

Deviant Behavior

Social Work with Older Adults

The Aging Networks: A Guide to Programs and Services

[Grief and Bereavement in Contemporary Society: Bridging Research and Practice]

Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy

Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change

Ethnicity and Family Therapy

Human Behavior in the Social Environment: Perspectives on Development and the Life Course

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Generalist Social Work Practice: An Empowering Approach

Publication Manual of the American Psychological Association

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook

DBT Skills Manual for Adolescents

DBT Skills Manual

DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets

Social Welfare: A History of the American Response to Need


[A People’s History of the United States]

The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time

Life For Me Ain't Been No Crystal Stair

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

Tuesdays with Morrie

The Death Class <- This one is based off of a course I took at my undergrad university

The Quiet Room

Girl, Interrupted

I Never Promised You a Rose Garden

Flowers for Algernon

Of Mice and Men

A Child Called It

Go Ask Alice

Under the Udala Trees

Prozac Nation

It's Kind of a Funny Story

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

The Yellow Wallpaper

The Bell Jar

The Outsiders

To Kill a Mockingbird

u/_dive_ · 26 pointsr/AdviceAnimals

If it takes a glass to create a divorce, there were more problems in the relationship beyond the glass. There's a book called Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work by John Gottman that illustrates that several minor incidents create an environment that leads to divorce (e.g. passive-aggressive behavior, escalation, lack of empathy, etc.). It's a lot of little things over a long time that ruin a marriage - but, most importantly each person fails to see the "good" in the other... what made them fall in love with each other. The relationship turns into a battleground, a place where only being right matters.

Here's the book if you're curious

u/iliketoridebicycles · 21 pointsr/weddingplanning

My FH and I are not religious; here's what we've tried and found in our 1.5 years together:

  • The 5 Love Languages: It can be at times a bit Christian-centric and sometimes brings up more "traditional" gender roles, but the overall concepts were helpful for us.

  • Intellectual Foreplay: We went through a TON of these questions in our first few months of dating and it really helped us to get those big questions out of the way in the guise of "getting to know each other".

  • I created an extensive list of lists of questions we could ask each other. We'd make it fun by picking random numbers (without looking at the questions first) and taking turns reading the questions. So he'd choose question 4, I'd read it to him, and then he'd answer and then I'd answer. And then we switched. We did maybe 5–10 questions at a time.

  • The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: This one seems most helpful now that we're engaged. We borrowed the audiobook via our local library and have been listening to it in the car. FH really likes it!

    The Gottman Institute, which is by the guy who authored that last book, offers (kind of expensive) weekend workshops around the country, and it also sells an at-home DIY "workshop" for $175 USD. If we have time and extra money, we might try the at-home kit but for now the book is working well for us!

    edit: There's also a program called Prepare Enrich, which is an assessment you both take and then you meet with a facilitator (secular or religious, your choice) in your area to go over your results. The program also offers a DIY version called the Couple Checkup, which they call a "lighter version of the assessment". We haven't really explored these options yet because the Prepare Enrich facilitator we reached out to isn't taking any new clients at this time and my local library had both a physical copy and audiobook copy of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
u/itsbecomingathing · 9 pointsr/weddingplanning

This is a great time to stop, breathe, and remember the WHY you're planning this. Pick up a Dr. Gottman book and take some time to yourself. No wedding planning, no SO, just you.

Here's the link

Talk to him as well. Tell him that you're feeling pressure to plan the wedding on your own. Maybe give him specific tasks. Tell each other how excited you are to be married, and why you love each other. Good luck!

u/5ummerbreeze · 7 pointsr/AirForce

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert


Seriously. It's used in marriage counseling and has an amazing success rate.

I wish someone had given this to me when I first got married. It's good for EVERY serious, romantic relationship. This book would have saved me literally years of heartache and struggle to keep my marriage afloat.

u/solinaceae · 5 pointsr/BabyBumps

Has your husband read 7 principles for making marriages work? I mention it because there's a whole section in there about why it's important for husbands to support their wives, even in the face of in-laws. It might validate him that he did the right thing, if he sees that even famous relationship psychologists agree with him!

u/ForWeddingIsh · 5 pointsr/weddingplanning

We ended up using this book for our "counseling" I really liked it as it was research based. We tried to do an exercise or two each night after work without any distractions.

u/webbymcfooderson · 4 pointsr/Reformed

/u/tanhan27 has some great advice.

As another husband working to heal broken marriage right now, I'd recommend working through this book alongside pastoral counseling. My wife and I have both found it to be very helpful for remembering how to think of one another positively and lovingly after letting what once seemed like insurmountable bitterness build up between one another. It's not coming from an explicitly Christian perspective, but when used with a clear understanding of God's plan for marriage it can be a very powerful guide through the details of healing a marriage.

u/metamatic · 3 pointsr/Austin

Not a therapist recommendation, but I strongly suggest Dr John Gottman's book. This American Life had a good intro to his work. Basically, his team decided to treat marriage like a natural phenomenon and take a statistical data-based look at what predicts failure or success of a marriage. The results run counter to a lot of common wisdom about relationships.

u/001Guy001 · 3 pointsr/suggestmeabook

I can't speak from experience but The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work was a great read

u/swansongofdesire · 3 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

I read that as well as Intimacy & Desire a few years ago, so my memory may be a little rusty.

There is a fair bit of overlap (same author) but PM was much more focused on sex than I&D.

I didn't find PM was that useful because I felt that there was almost a presupposition that both partners wanted sex, they just had an emotional disconnect. PM was about overcoming that emotional disconnect and using sex as a bonding experience. Useful for some maybe, but not when your partner is put off by anything related to sex.


I&D found much more applicable to my situation, for one key insight:

If both partners find validation in love from their partner, then the relationship can't be sustained. At some point compromises have to be made. When that happens the compromising partner feels that they are unloved by the other. If both partners do this, then a disconnect & distance inevitably arises. Paradoxically, to feel loved by your partner then you have to not need to feel loved by your partner.

My Gottman Soapbox

Personally, I found both Schnarch books far more useful than anything by the ubiquitous Gottman though. Gottman may be great at observing couples and describing behaviours, but:

  • there is almost nothing in his books that deals with underlying emotional issues;
  • I felt that all of his advice was only useful for couples like my parents, who are already in a mediocre/good marriage but both partners want to make it better. If you're already in a marriage that is on the rocks then dealing with outward behaviours and not the underlying emotional issues that cause(d) resentments/distance in the first place is just a bandaid (and if there's anything I've learned in /r/deadbedrooms, it's that by the time people post their relationships are almost always already in major trouble)
u/SavvyMomsTips · 3 pointsr/Christianmarriage

In terms of Bible verses. Pro 3:5-6. Jer 29:11. Rom 8:28 and the one about how we are new creations in Christ.

I'm training to be a therapist and my gut tells me that the part where he became a pimp isn't the heaviest part of this for you. If it was I would expect your post to focus more on being obsessed with your career. It seems like your dad was so concerned with being able to provide for his family that he was willing to do anything to accomplish that and it eroded his morals. Since you talk about how important family is I imagine part of what is on your mind is the importance of providing for a family. In which case a Bible study about how God provides would be helpful.

>Whilst their marriage lasted 18 years, most of those years were unhappy for both of them. They both drank heavily and fought nightly. There was never any physical violence but the vitriol with which they yelled at each other made for a tense household. They also slept in separated rooms for much of their marriage.

I may be wrong, but I think this may be the bigger part that has created your fear of commitment. What you saw doesn't reflect what you want in a marriage. In this area I find psychological research more helpful because it gives examples of how to live out what are usually Biblical principles.

This book is frequently recommended

u/RealisticRhubarb · 2 pointsr/Marriage

Have you read anything by John Gottman? His research on which marriages last and which end in divorce is pretty solid. He is able to identify specific behaviors which, if done often over time, lead to divorce.

This book sums up the core of his findings, and will give you (and your fiance) concrete tools to determine if you have a solid foundation with each other. It might provide you with a more objective lens with which to view your relationship.

u/tryingforadinosaur · 2 pointsr/breakingmom

I cannot recommend marriage counseling enough. Both my husband and I emotionally cheated. He told his ex that he loved her, vented to her when we had fights, and went to her house to talk. I started talking to my kind-of ex (never had a real relationship but we definitely had feelings... he was going through a divorce and decided to give his marriage one last try, and then I got back together with my boyfriend and then we got married) out of spite and we went back to being friends that used to talk and laugh all day long over chat. We never talked about feelings for each other or did anything physical, but I definitely had the emotional connection with him that was missing with my husband.

The worst part was this happened after we started marriage counseling. I already felt like he was too chatty and friendly with his ex when marriage counseling started. It was week after week of rough sessions. We had a lot of baggage to get through. And there were times when we would leave and I would question if we would ever be okay again.

But here we are over a year later, coming up on a year and a half, of when I cut off all communication with him. The thing with my kind-of ex was, we had this chemistry and we talked and laughed constantly, and it had been a long time since it felt like my husband enjoyed my company like that. That sucks. So focus on trying to re-establish that connection. You married your husband because he is the love of your life. He is the one you should want to talk to all day. He's the one you should want to make laugh. He's the ONLY person you should miss if you were apart for days or weeks at a time. If you find yourself missing another man like that, you two are too close and it needs to end. That was my wake-up call... realizing I would miss talking to him every day. And realizing I wanted to talk to him more than I wanted to talk to my husband. Because I would share things like memes or stuff on Reddit/Imgur with my husband and he wouldn't laugh or respond much to it and seemed bored with me a lot, but this other guy would laugh and let it spark a 20 minute conversation. My husband didn't want to engage in those conversations with me. And there were plenty of things I was the same with... just not interested in creating a conversation out of a topic.

Now we're to the point that even though I'm not a gamer and I have never played Metroid, I can watch my husband speedrun the game and ask him questions about it, or listen to him explain strategies, or sit by him and watch someone else stream the game, and I enjoy the conversations and I enjoy that he wants to share it with me. While it may not be an interest of mine, I recognize that it's something that helps him decompress after a rough day at work and it's a challenge he enjoys, and that's enough for me to try and engage in those conversations.

Our marriage counselor used a lot of methods by John Gottman. Gottman has done some really cool research on marriages and I love reading content from them. There was an article on the marriage retreats they do... and this paraphrasing will probably be awful but I'll try my best. So these couples would come to a marriage retreat. Let's say you have one healthy couple and one struggling couple. The husband might point to a pretty bird in a tree or something, and in the healthy couple, the wife would engage and look for the bird, acknowledge it, and discuss it. In the unhealthy couple, the wife wouldn't look up and would just act bored with him and dismiss his interest. THAT was a huge area we were struggling in, and THAT is why I think we both emotionally cheated. Things have been much better since we actively try to engage in each other's interests more.

I highly recommend Gottman's stuff.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

Also check out The Gottman Institute. I think they have a Facebook page with that name.

u/SpilledKefir · 2 pointsr/TumblrInAction

Correct -- I read through that slide and immediately recognized it from his book. Not really worthy of criticism in this case.

u/SeaRegion · 2 pointsr/Marriage

> Spouses who try to be friends are the ones who end up falling out of love

If you're interested in seeing some research in this area, this is a good book. The author is a professor of psychology at the University of Washington who studied something like 700 marriages to try and figure out what makes marriages "work". The marriages with the least amount of divorce and the highest satisfaction had a great friendship at the center of it all. So - keeping up a friendship is very important!

Also, when it comes to love - love is an action, not a feeling. I love my spouse, so I serve her - I prove my love by what I do, not what I feel. Feelings come and go but my ability to make a choice to put her first and put her needs above mine remain.

u/Rallykat88 · 2 pointsr/therapists

I'm not sure if there would be a couples therapist who would do online counseling with two people in different locations. I don't think this issue is common enough for you to be able to find a therapist who advertises such a service. You maaaay be able to find an therapist who does therapy through video chat and ask if this would be possible, but it would take a willing therapist and a therapist with some tech know-how (able to use Google Hangouts or something else for 3-person video chat).

But yeah, as you're already aware, the distance is a big barrier. I'd second the suggestion another person made about both of you starting individual therapy in your own home locations to work out issues.

Another idea I'd suggest is for the both of you to buy this book, read it on your own, and discuss it regularly by phone or videochat: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

There are a ton of relationship books out there, but Gottman is one of the major authorities in the field of couples therapy. I used it a lot with my couples in therapy with good feedback.

Good luck and hope you're able to work out the best decision that works for you both.

u/superherowithnopower · 2 pointsr/Christianity

Did you recently have a baby? If so, you might be interested in this book: And Baby Makes Three. It's focus is on preserving your marriage before and after the shit hits the fan when baby comes along (and how do baby launch their poo so far in the first place?!).

A good friend of ours recommended this when we were pregnant with our first. The principles Gottman and his wife lay down in that book have been essential to keeping our marriage intact at times.

There's also, more generally speaking, Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I haven't read this one yet, but it's apparently a more in-depth and general treatment of the principles that have helped us from the And Baby Makes Three book.

You might consider picking up one of those and either reading it on your own and working to apply it yourself or, ideally, working through it with your spouse and see if putting their suggestions into practice can help. It's cheaper than professional counseling, at least, though I don't want to discourage you from going that route if you feel you need it.

Regardless, I'll remember you in my prayers!

u/LuckyTheLurker · 2 pointsr/relationship_advice

Well were you? Do you have screen addiction?

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

u/IN_wahine · 1 pointr/Marriage
The seven principles for making marriage work by John Gottman

u/tilly-moomoo · 1 pointr/latterdaysaints

Love is a big piece. If you're looking for more specific guidelines, I really enjoyed The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. He has several books that offer a lot of practical, well researched advice.

u/jackjackj8ck · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

I haven’t read it yet, so I can’t give a personal endorsement

But my husband and I are getting ready to have our first child and we’ve been talking a lot about how to ensure our relationship is successful

We’re attending a weekend workshop soon by the Gottman Institute

And I keep getting recommended this book

u/PanickedPoodle · 1 pointr/Marriage

A doctor named John Gottman coined this phrase. His book is excellent:

He did research to see if he could identify couples who would divorce based on how they interact. Spoiler: he could.

If a person has a toxic interaction style, they either need to change or to find someone who can tolerate it. Criticism is a hard one to change because it's about feeling powerlessness and greed, two very powerful human emotions.

Once you see it that way though, it makes it easier to avoid.

u/disbelief12 · 1 pointr/raisedbynarcissists

As someone who is currently in couples counseling and who both withdraws, and worries about my partner's reactions to my emotions, I want to echo what /u/zamonie is saying by sharing something I've learned in therapy about "not getting into someone's drama".

If you are constantly worried about other people's needs as a child, then it can make you codependent as an adult. And if you are codependent, then you are overly involved in other people's reactions/emotions AND want to manage their reactions/emotions. You also may not have a great deal of resources for managing your own emotions.

As someone who meets all of the criteria above, one of the most enlightening things that therapy has done for me is to teach me that I am not responsible for other people's emotions (unlike what my Nmom thinks), and they are not responsible for mine.

In practical terms, what this means is that if I had a hard day at work, then I don't get to come home and vent to my partner for 2 hours about what happened. What I get to do is check in with myself about my feelings (anger? frustration? sadness?) and decide how to best cope with the energy from those emotions. This means letting yourself feel them (e.g. not pushing them down or trying to numb or avoid them) and also doing some self-care to deal with the energy, like exercising or meditating or journaling or art or whatever you feel like will help you the most.

If -- after you have done a first pass on your emotional state -- you feel like you want to talk about your hard day at work, then you can seek support from another person. But the reason the order of operations here is important is because going to another person first and unleashing your emotions on them is called DUMPING. You are making it THEIR problem.

When /u/zamonie talked about not getting involved in drama, it reminded me that I used to stir up drama every. single. day. when I would come home from work. My husband would listen to me go on and on about this person or that person or how stupid this misunderstanding was, etc, etc. This was because I had no resources to be with these emotions on my own. Now that I do, I request some time to myself when I come home so he knows what's going on ("Hey - I had kind of a shit day... I think I need some time to myself"), and then I do the things I mentioned above. I deal with my own problems.

So. Why am I telling you all of this. :-) Because, as /u/zamonie said:

>maybe you feel like your partner MUST feel "responsible" or involved for your sadness because you kind of have an automatic idea of THAT'S how relationships work. But maybe that's not actually how this works? And maybe a relationship could actually work better if both partners had this meta-level to themselves where they decide to be solely responsible? I dunno.

This is true. I'm learning this in couples counseling. It's called 'differentiation'. A good book on this topic is Passionate Marriage (read the reviews, they say more than I can). What this means is that as a first pass, you deal with your own feelings about your partner before bringing them to your partner. Not that you never divulge them (I hear that concern in the question about honesty that you posed), but that you work on them yourself first. Then you can get clear about what you want because you aren't all worked up about it.

I wish you all the best as you navigate your relationship -- I understand deeply where you and your partner are coming from. I would also encourage couples counseling, especially someone trained in the Gottman framework (an evidence-based approach to marriage counseling).

u/bunilde · 1 pointr/DeadBedrooms

It is a standoff. She resents you for emotionally neglecting her, you resent her for sexually depriving you. You don't want to do anything because it doesn't feel natural or authentic. How does it get authentic when it comes from a place of score-keeping and resentment? It may feel awkward and forced in the beginning, but as you get more comfortable and used to expressing yourself and being affectionate with her, maybe it will get easier.

[Since you said you don't like talking...] (

[Oldie but goodie] (

[This is a lot of work, but you have to do it together and it might bring you closer] (

[I haven't read this one, but I've read something else with a similar idea (the writers were an English couple but goddamnit I can't think of the title), and maybe you can try the suggestions] (

u/Dustin_00 · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter

To be a more effective gardener, apply science: 7 principals for making marriage work.

And if you are having kids, you better read this, too.

And if you want better sex, there's Passionate Marriage.

u/TomBombadil75 · 1 pointr/Christian

+1 For John Gottman's 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. I just read it and was blown away by the solid advice backed by the science of decades of research/observation of couples in Gottman's Love Lab.

He basically says the Mars/Venus book is bollocks.

2 biggest take aways:

  1. You need to be each other's best friend. You need to know your wife deeply and be involved and engaged with her on a daily basis. Care about her life.

  2. Your wife and her needs are more important than you and your wants. There are a hundred different things that annoy her or that she wants a specific way and it wouldn't make any difference to you - so remember those things and do them. Even if you have to spend a little extra energy or time - do them. Happy Wife, Happy Life.