Reddit reviews The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide

I'm no expert on the matter, but I've been married about 13 years and some of the things you are saying I completely relate to. Here's some advice from someone who knows what you are going through, and still struggles with it.

Giving is crucial, you mentioned massages that you give her weekly, that is good. However, if you are giving only with the hope that it will turn her on or an attempt to have sex with her, it will always always backfire on you. Learn to selflessly give without the expectation of something in return.

You mentioned the compliments on how sexy you think your wife is and how you pinch her behind from time-to-time. Being married for a long time that stuff loses its luster and if you are hoping it will turn her on or lead to sex, it will turn your wife off even more.

You mentioned cleaning every day after work. That is awesome, but like I said, if this because she needs it and you hope it means she will be interested sexually in you, then you are doing it for the wrong reasons.

Don't get it somewhere else. This might be the hardest thing for you to not do. I understand, I'm a guy. I've had these struggles too, but I'm telling you, it will destroy you, speaking from experience. You made a promise to the woman you love, and that promise is more important than any pornographic web site or strip club can provide.

Think about what it is you want when it comes to sex. Is it purely a physical release? Is it that you want to connect with the woman you love. Evaluate and ask yourself when you do make love, is it all about getting what you want?

Lastly, not talking about sex with your wife is probably the most damaging, because your sexuality will 'leak out' in other ways, which as I previously mentioned can destroy you and your marriage. The reality is, she probably doesn't see it the way you do, but if she really loves you, allow her some flexibility as she changes. Setting ultimatums will NEVER work.

I think in the heat of the moment, you and I want this fixed right away, we think, we've been married several years and this has gone on long enough! But the reality is, people don't change over night. Even though my wife is still struggling in this area, we have had to make a lot of conscious changes in how we deal with it, because neither of us like fighting about it. Your wife probably feels guilty that she isn't more interested. If you are truly committed to her for life, then you are willing to do what it takes. A successful marriage isn't easy, but it is definitely worth it.

There are a GREAT DEAL of resources regarding high and low desire when it comes to sex in marriage. I would suggest the following:

The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michelle Weiner-Davis

There are several marriage related podcasts that cover this topic in great deal as well.

ONE Extraordinary Marriage has a great podcast. This is a married couple who shares their story that is very similar to what you've expressed.

Sexy Marriage Radio Doctor Corey Allen and Shannon Ethridge are both marriage counselors and have amazing perspective on this topic.

I hope this helps. I know how you feel in terms of loneliness. It's not easy, but it is worth it in the long run. My wife and I have set an agreement that we will have sex 2x a week. She is supposed to initiate with me on 3 of those days, and on the next 3 days, I initiate. We have one extra day where sex isn't necessarily on the table for either of us. I use the time I initiate to really try to connect with her and focus on her needs sexually. I also spend time discussing earlier in the day so she has time to prepare for the idea (springing it on her doesn't work). When we do have sex on my days to initiate, they aren't really geared to my sexual needs, but satisfying her is very fulfilling. One her days to initiate, she spends time focusing on me and things I enjoy.

Now it doesn't happen like this every time, and sometimes a quickie is all we can do since we're both tired, but it has HELPED tremendously. 5-7 years ago we were having sex less than 10 times a year, and now we're 1-2 times a week. We get along much better, neither of us feel the pressure that not having sex causes, and you're not having to worry or wonder if/when you're going to be intimate with your spouse.

I went through something similar (pre-kids), and this book literally saved my marriage: http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Starved-Marriage-Boosting-Libido-Couples/dp/0743227336/

Basically, she sees sex as one more job to do at the end of an exhausting day. You see it as a way to connect with her in an intimate way (plus all the other good stuff). When she realizes what you're missing she might be more willing to partake.

Hope it helps.

I wouldn't be surprised at all if the hormonal contraceptive is causing problems with her libido. My wife and I had serious issues with this and her hormonal contraceptive, while not completely responsible, was causing a major roadblock by chemically impeding her libido. Get her off the hormonal contraceptives, invest in some good condoms, and then don't talk about sex or libido for a while.

Regardless of the reason her libido is in the shitter, any talking about it is going to cause her to feel pressure to put out and make her feel bad and inadequate. She may respond with made-up reasons just to placate you and get you off her back, but the fire isn't there anymore and she probably doesn't understand why herself. She probably doesn't get that you need to have an intimate sexual relationship to feel connected to her, she probably thinks you just want to get off and is dismissive of your feelings on the matter - which makes you feel like shit. She probably feels like shit about it too but in a different way.

One thing's for sure, you two need to get this problem straightened out before you both sign on the dotted line. Get her off the hormonal birth control and get some help before this destroys your relationship (it was destroying mine). Perhaps even buy this book and make sure both of you read the whole thing. Ignore the silly title of the book, there are some very good chapters in there that will probably explain what both of you are feeling to each other. Plus it's from a third-party source, which might help get through the barrier of bad feelings both of you have probably put up with regards to this subject.

Without more details, or more communication between the two of you, this could be attributed to any number of things. First, it sounds like either one or both of you are young or inexperienced. This gives you a great opportunity to grow together, but it also means you may have to get some preconceived notions about "what sex is supposed to be like" out of your head and focus on the reality of what your sex life is currently like, and how you'd like it to improve. The two of you are going to have to sit down and talk if you want to get to the root of the problem.

A couple initial thoughts:

• Sounds like you want physical intimacy as much as sex. Are there ways he can provide you with this (kissing, cuddling, massages, even fingering you) that don't require him getting off? As cheesy as it sounds, figure out your Love Languages together and then learn how to "speak" them to each other.
  
• Do some reading on relationships where the couples' libidos aren't matched. I like The Sex-Starved Marriage as a start - not just for married couples! The fact is, some people get sexually aroused differently than others, and it's rare that people's sexual schedules match up perfectly. Your boyfriend might genuinely have a lower libido than you do, or he might actually not feel turned on until you initiate - leading to a vicious circle of you not feeling turned on because you feel like you're nagging and him not feeling turned on because you're not initiating. Men also tend to have a lot of sexual pressure and anxiety related to their sexual prowess. If your bf feels pressured to perform up to your expectations every time he sees you, that in itself may be killing his libido. Don't consider his ability or inability to cum as a reflection on you. Enjoy simply being together and having sex - the journey, not the destination. If he cums and you don't, fine, be giving and enjoy his happiness once in a while. If you cum and he doesn't, same deal, be happy you have someone so dedicated to your pleasure.
  
• Learn to make yourself happy. You're right, toys can't replace a loving partner. But if that will relieve some of the sexual tension between the two of you and allow you to start the weekend on a relaxed footing instead of with always rarin' to go and him wanting to take it slow, it may be worth it. Talk it over with him and see how he feels and if he's willing to try to make using toys more intimate and part of a loving relationship for you.
  
• Finally, once you've done some research, review your own behavior and communication style. Sounds like you might not be approaching this in the most productive way. Passive-agressively waiting for him to initiate and then feeling disappointed, or starting a conversation by telling him you don't feel like he's attracted to you may put him on the defensive, which isn't helpful to either of you feeling sexy or wanted. You need to discuss your sex life in a neutral setting, when you aren't super horny, with your clothes on. Make your expectations, timeframe, and the consequences of his actions clear - "I'd like to have spontaneous, caring sex, initiated by you. Not now, but sometime this weekend while you visit. Because our time together is limited, I feel hurt and disappointed when you don't initiate."
  
  Finally, the important part is how you two approach it. If you can't talk, you'll need to decide how much being sexually unsatisfied is a factor in the future of your relationship. If he's defensive or refuses to have these sorts of conversations with you, that may be a red flag for you. On the other hand, if you try to force the topic on him or don't want to discuss it because you'd rather him just know what you want, you might not be getting the results you want because of your approach, not because of your incompatibility. Hopefully you two can communicate and grow together - good luck!

I have her issue. I want sex ALL THE TIME. My wife's sex drive was decimated by two pregnancies and 4 years later it's only now starting to recover. It really hurts to be on the receiving end. Yeah, she's hurting you back with the snide comments, but you ignoring this problem or believing it's all her fault will tear you two apart.

Go read The Sex-Starved Marriage to know how you're hurting her and ways to effectively communicate that you love her even though you don't want your dick in her pussy right this moment without hurting her feelings.

Have you read Married Man's Sex Life Primer, How to Get Your Wife to Have Sex With You, 5 Love Languages and The Sex Starved Marriage ?

I have no idea how to convey the terror that is being in a sexless marriage. I question everything about myself and my life. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. If you had a magic button to push, I would GLADLY give you the contents of my bank accounts & 401k.

If you don't have any experience with this, I can't imagine that your advice will be that practical. My wife stiffens if I touch her. Do you understand?

Poor sexual rapport would be something that I'd like to attain, I'd liken our situation to ABYSMAL sexual rapport. Literally, she will speak to her mother our our daughter in a nicer tone of voice, or will hug & kiss them without a care the way I wish she'd do for me.

I know you weren't asking for help with this, but my wife and I read a book called the sex starved marriage that almost single-handedly fixed this problem for us. Does an excellent job of explaining why sex is important for people who want it (not only men in this situation) and how it's hurting them.
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Starved-Marriage-Boosting-Libido-Couples/dp/0743227336/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1293131500&sr=8-1

For DB: Michelle Wiener-Davis' The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide is a good starting point

For general sex stuff: The Good Girl's Guide To Bad Girl Sex: An Indespensible Guide to Pleasure and Seduction by Dr. Barbara Keesling and She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner are both excellent

Michele Weiner-Davis (divorcebusting.com):

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michele-weinerdavis/the-unspoken-truth-about-_1_b_5276291.html (click through to a TED video she did).

Here's her book:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Sex-Starved-Marriage-Boosting-Couples/dp/0743227336

It is so common for how little it is talked about that it is shocking and sad. Based on your other comments in this post you sound like you are in a perfect situation to fix it.
PROS:
-Solid support system
-Aware of the issue
-Accepts that sexual attraction should occur
-Wants to fix it
-Ideal experimental situation already in place (in a situation where everything is working correctly EXCEPT this one thing with a partner who is understanding)

CONS:
-Not sexually attracted to partner

Final piece of advice is a often sub-reddit recommended book "The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide". You are not married but the person who wrote this book is old so you are pretty much in what they consider a marriage. I have not finished reading it myself but everything I have read so far has been solid advice.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Sex-Starved-Marriage-Boosting-Couples/dp/0743227336

Both. Wife was feeling like sex was becoming more of a chore. I was feeling like we weren’t connecting as much sexually or otherwise.

We read “the sex starved marriage
We also read come as you are

Both of these lead to us become more connected and open to trying kinks. My biggest kink was more anal play for both of us. She is now receptive to anal once or twice a week instead 5-6 times a year.....and anal play for me a few times a month.

We have many toys and we need to pair some down. We’ve started to do some bdsm (cuffs and floggers and paddles) she really loves to smack my cock and balls around a lot.....it really turns her on. So, she is finding her dom side, and so am I. We switch....

We are now having more sex than we’ve ever had.

I also keep a sex journal and we read back over that occasionally to remind us how sexy we are...

We both are over weight and we are actively losing weight. I’ve lost 60 lbs since February and she’s lost about 35. We both want to be as healthy and happy as we can and that involves sex!

Buy http://www.amazon.com/The-Sex-Starved-Marriage-Boosting-Couples/dp/0743227336 It's a good read

For those who are bring the thread down back to the level of /r/DeadBedrooms I offer teh following book: Friends who have been in counselling were told that the counselling wouldn't start until they both read this. We picked up a copy for ourselves as a preventative measure.

Welcome...

I've been on Concerta for 5 years and I don't think it effected my sex drive, but then again I am HL so it could have made me more HL but nothing noticeable. I hear that Dexamphetamine will really effect sex drive.

Your story is all too familiar except that my wife became depressed due to stress, first it was wedding stress, then work stress. She sought help and was put on i think Celexa for the depression and that helped with the sex drive.

Then came the kids, she stopped Celexa because she wanted to have a clean system while pregnant, after our first was born she never went back to work full time so didn't feel she needed the Celexa. However now there was stress of the kids and our Bedroom slowly declined again, our second was born and sex disappeared.

Our second was born with Down Syndrome it was a hit to both of us and sex moved way down the priority list for both of us. When he was around 3 and things started to calm down I tried to rekindle our bedroom but it didn't work. Wife refused to seek medical attention (medication) so I asked that we see a Therapist as I was ready to leave or cheat or both and it's not something I wanted to do.

The therapist helped a lot, she helped her to understand that sex is what I needed to feel affection. She needed to feel hugs and kisses from me but I needed sex to get that same fulfillment. Her suggested reading was "The sex starved Marriage" and that book was magical.

After reading that book and continuing therapy our sex life began to return. Here is where I made a mistake that you should be cautious of. When sex started to get better 50% of where it needed to be I agreed that Therapy worked and we could continue on our own. On our own sex stayed plateaued at 50% and then it declined slowly again.

This week we are starting back at the same therapist, I really do hope it works to bring our sex life back to where it needs to be. But this time even if it gets to 90% I will ask that we check back in with the Therapist 2-4 times a year. A dead berdoom is like a leaky water heater, when it's leaking and causing a mess you get it fixed but once it's fixed you kinda forget that you have a water heater as it's not top of mind until it starts to leak again.

fuck man. my story exactly. I hate it for you. Been to the therapist. Doesn't work. Nothing works. She'll say she wants to emotionally engage, and engage sexually but never will. Tired to death of her shit.

Ultimately thought, nofap is for me because I want to fix me, and I've just decided I'm going to do it without her. Whether I ever get to bone her again or not, I don't care. I just want to be better.

I've read a book that has at least help me, and helped me to contextualize it all. I recommend it. It's called the Sex Starved Marriage. It at least gives me perspective on what's going on.

I have 4 kids... I love my wife, or I'd be gone already. But I'm going to have to get beyond this addiction without her completely.

If you need to talk, pm me man.

Heres the link for the book. highly recommended. Been working through myself whether or not to divorce her as well, and not because I don't love her, but because it's obvious that she doesn't love me, no matter what she says.

http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Starved-Marriage-Boosting-Libido-Couples/dp/0743227336/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1396574874&sr=1-1&keywords=sex+starved+marriage

You might try reading this (not just for married couples, naturally): http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0743227336/