Reddit reviews The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse (Third Edition)

Absolutely have gone through this almost word for word. I am still in my "never wants sex with my partner" phase. Once in a blue moon, we'll have sex like twice in a day and then months will pass again before we do. In fact, pretty sure there was a year where we didn't have sex at all. It just is. Please be patient with yourself because I know it's hard. How can I not want sex with the love of my life? It's because my mind still doesn't "understand" that sex isn't violence.

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I recommend the book The Sexual Healing Journey. I recommend to read through it VERY SLOWLY as it includes real life case studies that include descriptions of sexual abuse/rape. However, my copy is full of sticky notes when I read something that resonates with me and makes me feel like I'm not crazy. Like --- why is it I can imagine having sex with a random person EASILY but a person I love and am emotionally close is not at all interesting? Rape. That's why.

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If you have the financial resources, I also recommend therapy. I suffer from PTSD so it is mandatory for me -- but it has been life saving.

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Further, there is a huge detachment that occurs between your mind/body when you experience extreme trauma. I often feel as if I've detached from my body and it's prevalent when my body is freaking out (throwing up, sweating, pacing), but my mind is completely calm. To repair that detachment, you have to find a safe way to get back into your body. Yoga is one such way. Check out Overcoming Trauma through Yoga. Dance, exercise, tai chi, whatever it is that allows you to be mindful of your body and your breath is key here. I'm still trying to have the motivation to do this as it's really been the hardest part for me, but I know the small amount I have done makes a difference.

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Lastly, trust yourself. There isn't a fixed formula for any of this, but it can be done. You're stronger than you know. Feel free to PM me if you wish!

This might seem inapplicable to you at first but I recommend looking into resources for survivors of sexual abuse.

1. What TSCC does can qualify as sexual abuse even if no one touches you (only you can decide if this applies in your case of course) because of the environment of coercive social control, invasion of sexual privacy, intense shame, etc; especially the worthiness interviews many of us were subjected to as minors. Abuse is, after all, fundamentally about the exercise of power to control others.
   
2. Even if you decide it wasn't a type of sexual abuse for you, some things your sexual problems will possibly have in common with abuse survivors is toxic shame about sexuality, your natural & healthy desires, your body, your right to pleasure, etc so you're likely to find a lot of helpful stuff in those resources, even if some of it doesn't apply. I wish I knew of resources directed specifically at sexual problems caused by cultic religious abuse; please let me know if you come across any!
   
   
   Here's my two of favourite books about it [1] [2]. They both contain very practical guidance about how to work through shame, reclaim bodily autonomy, start experiencing sex as a positive experience instead of painful or anxiety-provoking, etc. If that doesn't seem relevant, I found another book that seems more general but I can't vouch for it. I also highly recommend seeking a therapist who specializes in these subjects if self-help doesn't get you to where you need to go. I wish you good luck and lots of pleasure and joy <3 :D

I relate to this a lot (sexual assault trauma as well). What you described, your value as person only being tied to sex, is something I felt for many many years. It's morphed into something different now though, where sex and intimacy just gives me so much anxiety to where I can only do it under the influence of something and even then I usually end up dissociating through it (among numerous other symptoms). Anyways, I'm working through the book Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz and I cannot recommend it enough. I swear, every sentence felt like it was about me personally. It outlines steps to take and exercise you can do to start healing in this area.

Each survivor is different and their experience with sexual violence is different. Your gf will need to identify her own triggers.

I'm reading a great book currently titled "Rewire Your Anxious Brain" by Catherine Pittman and Elizabeth Karle. It could be very helpful for your gf to understand her anxiety and learn ways to manage it.

There's a great book by Wendy Maltz titled "The Sexual Healing Journey" (https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B0083DHILK/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1)
Great information about taking back a person's sexuality.

As well there's an extensive list of recommended books here:
http://www.pandys.org/recommendedreading.html

When you gf is ready, she might consider consulting with a trauma therapist who she can work with to begin healing from her past trauma. Healing and recovery is a process that is unique to each survivor. Your gf will need someone patient and supportive like you to be there for her. She's lucky to have found you.

Take care of yourself.

I was sexually abused by my step brother. The feelings you are having are completely normal. Your brother was the one doing wrong things. A good therapist can help a lot.

Here are some books too.

The Sexual Healing Journey
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0083DHILK/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

The Feeling Good Handbook
https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-Plume/dp/0452261740/ref=sr_1_cc_3?s=aps&ie=UTF8&qid=1506605432&sr=1-3-catcorr&keywords=feeling+good+handbook+david+burns

I wish you the best. It is so hard and it never goes away completely.

Tell her to read these books The Sexual Healing Journey and Why Does He Do That. These have helped me greatly with healing from similar things your mother has been through and has spend up the healing process.

Anyone having gone through sexual assault or domestic violence will benefit greatly from these books.

Thanks for the contest!

this is the book

From Harry Potter: if you were any slower you'd be going backwards. -Malfoy

labor day

> I don't even know if I'm justified in my feelings.

I totally get this. This is what I try to tell myself: You don't need anyone to tell you whether or not you are justified in your feelings.

Your intuition is very good, you just need to learn to trust it fully. It sounds like your sister needs a lot of help, and you have tried helping her and she is not receptive to it. I honestly think the best thing for both you and her is to not have contact. If your instincts are telling you you shouldn't even be seeing her at family events, then don't. I mean, I do feel badly for her, as she is clearly struggling with something and is putting herself in danger, but that doesn't mean that you need to invite that danger into your life.

Unsolicited advice that you can choose to ignore: I told my husband about my past sexual assaults and emotional incest by a family member. It was one of the hardest things I've done, and I had to work up to it, but I'm glad I told him. Those past things were affecting me in ways I didn't realize, and it was putting strain on our relationship. If you are interested in reading an amazing book, I recommend The Sexual Healing Journey. I had read a lot of other books about sexual assault, self esteem, etc., and none of them ever helped me or spoke to me. This book wrote out and explained all of my feelings and actions. It was so amazing. It detailed things that I do in my life that I didn't even realize I was doing, or why. It was so validating. The book is even for people who were never actually assaulted, but have negative views on sex due to upbringing or the media. Anyways, I'm sorry if my advice is unwelcome or hurtful in some way. I just wanted to share since that book is changing my life so much for the better. I feel so lucky to have found it.

Maybe check out some of these books which could help her work through the process that is provided in therapy in a self-guided way. What I would recommend is that she set aside an hour or two a week to devote to this to keep herself consistent, but not overwhelmed by over-reading:

the sexual healing journey

overcome trauma and ptsd

the PTSD workbook

the PTSD sourcebook

Then these are not workbooks - but might help provide her insight and healing:

quest for respect

resurrection after rape