Reddit reviews The Usual Error: Why We Don't Understand Each Other and 34 Ways to Make It Better

More Than Two by Franklin Veaux. If The Ethical Slut is the non-monogamy bible, then More than Two is the Polyamory handbook. It is a must read.


Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. Opening Up is a good supplementary book. Overall not as good as More than Two, but it has some unique takes on poly that is worth reading.


Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory by Minx M. Honestly I have not gotten around to reading this yet, but it is by Cunning Minx of the Polyamory Weekly podcast, so the author knows what she is talking about.


Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan. This books it last on my list because it tries to pawn itself off as science when in truth it is more of philosophy. It makes good arguments, and backs them up with some data, but the evidence is nowhere as strong as Dr. Ryan wants to claim.

EDITED TO ADD:

If you are going to do non-monogamy it is always a good idea to improve your communication skills. Here are some recommended books on improving communication skills.

The Usual Error. This is a more basic communication book. It is a really good read that will point out some basic mistakes you probably make in communicating.

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. This is almost a whole new way of communicating. It is advanced level communications skills. Even incorporating some of the ideas in this book will help you tremendously in hard conversations.

See also:

• "The person saying those hurtful words isn't actually talking about you. They're talking about their perception of you, filtered through their own issues, paradigm, and opinions... It's like a little voodoo doll created to look vaguely like you." - from The Usual Error by Pace and Kyeli Smith

>Don't worry, mom. I'm doing me. I won't let myself get taken advantage of.

Okay, good goal.

>I thought that's what girls that guys try to lie to are supposed to do. That's really what I felt.

You live and you learn. How you feel =/= the best decision.

>I actually thought I was the victim of a pathological liar. I felt powerless. I felt terrified I was losing him.

When confronted with a red flag like this, the only thing to do is leave. Why would you be terrified of losing a pathological liar in your life? Whether or not he is, if you feel this way, the only healthy choice for you is to leave.

>To which you'll respond that if I can't move past the lie, I should leave him, not continue to abuse him.

Yeah. And it's not easy. But that's the healthy thing to do. No buts about it. The way you feel being in this relationship is not good. Healthy people dont try to manipulate the parts that arent good. Healthy people realize that the only thing they can control are themselves and they leave. You are stuck in this limbo where you are trying to control him to lower your insecurities, while understanding that you will never truly know if he's lying to you (aka whether or not he is really under your control). When you are in a relationship like this, you leave, because it is not fun or good to feel this way. Yes, it's the only answer. It doesn't matter if you love him, it doesn't matter what you want, what matters is what's good for you. This is not.

>This really isn't how I treat people in general - this is pretty situationally-specific.

Honestly, if you dont learn anything from this and change your response to stressors from romantic interests, it will definitely become a pattern. Maybe he's one of the few people you feel it's okay to do this to, so that's why you justify it (vs. a stranger or a friend). But objectively you think its okay to treat him like this, which means there is potential for you to continue abusing him or use the same reasoning with other partners to abuse them.

>I want help. I want to be better and I want to stop this behavior. I am not willing to believe I'm a hopeless cretin.

I don't call people names, so I would never call you a hopeless cretin and I don't think it's useful to call yourself one either. What's done is done. You can't change that--but you can use your shame and regret (as well as love and pride in yourself) to become a person that you do like. The more you develop yourself, the more you will like yourself.

Being better means to stop abusing people, which means to learn healthy interpersonal skills. I suggest you get the book The Usual Error: Why We Don't Understand Each Other and 34 Ways to Make It Better. You need to learn how poeple communicate not only so you can become a better communicator, but also so that you can trust your intuition and leave untrustworthy people early so you dont let it drag on and have to leave when you're so caught up in them.

Develop self love, read about how people work, change your responses to relationship stressors--all of this needs to be addressed in therapy.