Reddit reviews The Validation Breakthrough: Simple Techniques for Communicating with People with Alzheimer's and Other Dementias

I recently read a book, The Validation Breakthrough, which I found helpful in understanding my husband's behavior. The book focuses on very old people (I don't know how old your dad is), and theorizes that the particular behaviors that a dementia patient falls into are expressions of issues he's never been able to work through over the course of his life.

It might be a worthwhile exercise to play amateur psychiatrist — not to your dad but as a thought experiment for yourself. Your dad must feel great shame for having nearly drunk himself to death, and he must be relieved that you are limiting your alcohol intake. It could be a double relief for him to think that migraines are what caused you to stop drinking, since migraines were the reason he drank (even though they weren't — here's where the confusion comes in). As for the standing issue, perhaps someone was always telling him to "Stand up straight!" (moms are notorious for this). He may feel guilty about not being the obedient child, and the guilt comes out as pain when he stands too long. Explanations like this may be completely far-fetched, but mulling them over might give you some insight and compassion for your dad's increasing helplessness in holding himself together.

It's great that you "don't call him out on anything and just smoothly move past it." The Validation Breakthrough would take it a step further and suggest that you actually go along with — validate — his lies, not in a phony, pandering way but to help him resolve any issues that still might be resolvable. The author provides a list of specific communication techniques to try. The idea is to prevent the person from withdrawing, which will only accelerate the progression of the dementia.

I hope this helps a little. Alzheimer's will try any caretaker's compassion and patience.

1. How old is she?
   
   
2. Where is she on this list of the five stages of therapeutic recovery?
   
   
3. Does she have a history of being "difficult" or "dotty?"
   
   If she is in early onset dementia, you can pretty much forget about logical arguments, let alone expecting her to respond well to your understandable frustration.
   
   Suggested reading to get your own life back in order:
   
   Nina Brown's Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents
   
   Eleanor Payson's The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family
   
   Lindsay Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
   
   Elan Golomb's Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self
   
   Susan Forward's Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
   
   Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem
   
   and especially
   
   Naomi Feil: The Validation Breakthrough: Simple Techniques for Communication with People with Alzheimer's
   
   And for your own peace of mind:
   
   
4. ACA, EA and CoDA... where you will find others in similar boats who have found explanations, answers and solutions.
   
   
5. The 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing.