Reddit reviews The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family
We found 12 Reddit comments about The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
I posted it already, but I'll post it again because you are severely wrapping yourself up in this:
https://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837
Your mother is an archetypal aging narcissist. I can assure you it will only get worse as she gets older, and if you get yourself more tied up in her problems, she only going to drag you down with her.
I cannot more strongly recommend you read that book. It has an excellent section on dealing with aging narcissistic parents. It will be a real eye opener for you, and it has a TON of great, step-by-step advice.
Best of luck.
Here are some excellent books on narcissistic parenting and its upshots (all available on amazon.com, etc):
Nina Brown's Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents
Eleanor Payson's The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family
Lindsay Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
Elan Golomb's Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self
Susan Forward's Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem
(I've read -- actually deeply studied, using each as a workbook -- all of them, and feel comfortable recommending them.
Further, the dynamics of growing up in such families are strikingly similar to what happens in cults. If one is conditioned, socialized, habituated and normalized to a particular form of abuse (before one can recognize the abuse as such) in childhood, it is often the case that one will grow up to seek intimates who are likely to repeat the same form of traumatization to which they were normalized as children. In my case, I took my unconscious -- and unprocessed -- abuse into a series of cult and other co-dependent workplace and relationship situations. If one understands what happens in cults, one often gets a very clear picture of what happened in their own families of origin with narcissistic parents.
At the end of the day, you can’t help people that don’t want to help themselves. I would suggest having a dedicated conversation regarding this. Lay out all of your concerns, and back it up with texts/resources. Some are available through this sub. I also highly recommend this book.
Talk with her about it calmly and respectfully. Let her know what is non-negotiable for you. Do you even want any interaction with her mother? Are you worried that she’ll attempt to financially abuse you too, via your gf?
Cover your ass. I would say that if gf does remotely anything to help/assist/enable her Nmom to abuse you too should be the bare minimum line that can’t be crossed.
That book was what sparked my "ah-ha!" moment as well. It was like every page described my life. I went back and read it again, and it's far from perfect, but I value it for being the catalyst that helped me understand what was happening in my life.
Another book I found quite useful was The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists. It gives more practical advice on how to deal with toxic people.
Feeling ashamed is part of the "guilt" stage. You did not cheat, he did. NPD are master manipulators. You feeling ashamed helped him control you. Congratulations, you have now broken the spell he had you under. You are doing what you need to do now and that is what maters. The strong person you were raised to be is still there, just a bit numbed and confused.
 
I am speaking from experience, together with an NPD for more than 2 decades. Reading the following has helped me:
 
The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists" by Eleanor Payson This has helped me immensely navigating through my divorce from an NPD and understanding my life with him.
 
Read up on the Seven Stages of Divorce. These have been invaluable to me. Know that you will cycle through these emotions over and over and they can happen simultaneously. Don't suppress your emotions, feel them, acknowledge them, let them go through you and do not wallow in them.
 
Get legal advice. If you have evidence of the abuse it can help you with the divorce. If you have ever called the cops or if you have evidence, bills showing the cell phone shut off, any paper trail it will help you later off. Get copy of all the finances, I took cell phone photos. It will help you later on.
 
You are doing great and will be so much happier later on. You are strong and will make it through! This sub-reddit has been one of the best resources I have used, continue using it. Feel free to PM me with any questions. My divorce should be finalized in the next month, less than a year since my rollercoaster started.
I’m coming into awareness of this N-parent thing later in life too. Tell them it doesn't work. Give the the number of days they can stay, if any. Be honest with what works for you and tell them and tell them they have to get a hotel if they desire to stay longer. And hold your ground. You owe them no explanation! This is the hard part to get -- but get it please. It will make your life easier.
The thing about N's is they want an explanation of why. Why--what ever it is because they want to minimize our thoughts, feelings, or correct our actions and tell us what they want it to be — because we must be in alignment with them, we are after all an extension of them. When my Nmom starts pumping me like this. I give her very little eye contact and don’t play the game she is baiting me with.
And the little 3 year old look is called the martyr, it is a classic N manipulation stance. Don’t fall for it.
What you can manage is what you can manage. PERIOD.
N”s know our buttons and push them. They thrive on drama, chaos and control - being on top of a relationship. Grudges come when boundaries are not respected. It is your internal anger that is screaming NO! And boundaries are absolutely ignored growing up in a N-household. Coming to this at this point in your life it is understandable you would have some grudges. There is a life time of behavior and violation that hasn’t and will never be acknowledge by the N. So don’t look for it there it will never come. That was a hard one for me to come too. I spend years on inner work while the little girl in my still wanted to be acknowledge and accepted. That is an inside job.
I sometimes think the flip polarity to an N parent is a life time of learning boundaries. I’ve found my Nmom still doesn’t like them but guess what they are there and it’s her problem to deal with them.
And weddings are loaded as it is. Throw a N in there and it’s can be a little dynamo! We just had an out of state wedding where my Nmom traveled with us. It was the best of times and the worst of times.
If you haven’t gotten counseling yourself you might want to. Dont’ know if I answered all your questions. ask again if there is something specific.
There are a lot of great books out there. A few that I’ve read that have been helpful.
The first one I read is Karyl McBride’]’s “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?” She has a website. http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com
The Object of my Affection is my Reflection
http://www.amazon.com/Object-My-Affection-Reflection-Narcissists/dp/075730768X
The Wizard of OZ
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0972072837/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_3?pf_rd_p=1944687462&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=075730768X&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=1243YBT8DNBVQZCSYNKH
and another good link....http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill
I can't help with much, but I can suggest this book, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists. https://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837 I actually got it because an excerpt I read sounded like an ex of mine and I wanted to know more, ended up reading about my childhood. Give it a shot?
Love this book. I’ve read it a couple times now.
Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists
https://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837
Oh dear. Very sorry to hear this.
I would echo a need for him to go to therapy as others have stated. I would also echo that HE needs to do this, not you. You might be a catalyst for him addressing it, but he has to step up and stand his ground with his mother.
A few quick things I would share.
Books:
Therapy Concepts (worth reading about a bit)
My Context:
I had to go through this with my mother and it has 99% completely destroyed my relationship with her. We don't communicate anymore and she sold her house and moved across the country away from us. This happened because I stood up for myself, my wife, my new baby...my family. She pushed boundaries and continued to make everything about here, and I wasn't having it. I called her out hard, making the point that my priority is MY family, and I can't tolerate her behaviors effect on my family, and that I needed her to listen and understand my parameters for an ongoing relationship with me as an adult. She failed to understand because she doesn't understand how to have relationships on any kind of mutual terms. She has some combination of narcissism / borderline personality disorder. Rather than try and evolve our relationship to enjoy this new chapter of my being and adult, and now a father, she just pulled up stakes and left as a power play to try and get me to bow down and apologize. All the while, my wife is seen as the villain that caused this.
One could say, this is heartbreaking because I cast my mother aside, and her support and presence in mine and my families life. The way I see it is, my mother raised me to make a happy loving life for myself, and I have pursued, prioritized and protected just that. I'm disappointed that my mother let her own narcissism prevent her from joining me in this chapter of my life, where she could have been a passenger and enjoy the fruits of her having raised me well. At some point, had I not drawn this line in the sand, I would have been failing my mother by not making a life for myself.
It won't get better. The situation will stay the same, and if you get married and have a family, it will just be the same with higher stakes. He needs to outline the new world order in which he has a new family. If she can't get on board with that, then you are better off without her. Being his mother is a reason to support and treat her son well, not a blank check to do whatever she wants to him with infinite forgiveness. That's not being a good mother. Thats having an identity crisis with your son as collateral damage.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0972072837/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1383163141&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70
You are falling into your own narcissistic tendencies by trying to play hero for your brother. Very, very unhealthy behavior exhibited by all parties here.
Here are a couple of excellent texts on the subject:
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Always-About-You-Narcissism/dp/0743214285
http://www.amazon.com/The-Wizard-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837
Excellent idea! Here are some resources that have been especially useful to me.
Books
Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion
Practically Shameless: How Shadow Work Helped Me Find My Voice, My Path, and My Inner Gold
The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships
Taming Your Gremlin: A Surprisingly Simple Method for Getting Out of Your Own Way
The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family
Experiential Programs
These two programs are similar in scope. They provide a supportive, accepting environment to help heal old wounds, break out of patterns that no longer serve you and find empowerment. I have both taken and staffed the Woman Within training weekend and so can personally recommend it as a valuable resource for ACONs.
Woman Within International
*The ManKind Project